A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a professional lady who just turned 30, and recently had a girl my age move into my flat as my flatmate (we are renting from a private landlord). She is reasonably clean and tidy, etc, and works in a good career as a doctor, but some aspects of her behaviour are really starting to annoy me although I am usually quite laid-back.She is usually quite polite to my face, in fact I would describe her as quite bubbly and not someone to start making catty comments in general, but also very, very self-centred and narcissistic, although I have tried to like her I often find it hard. For example, I made it clear to her during the viewing I work two jobs for the same company and am currently incredibly busy, so am not always available to socialise etc. although I am a very friendly and sociable person and always chat to her when I see her in the kitchen. Despite this, she still regularly comes back in the evenings or at the weekends and grumbles when I tell her I don't have the time to go for coffee in the evenings or to a bar, or on a girls' trip exploring everything in the city. She seems to want to live this kind of Sex in the City/Instagram life (she literally brought a friend and spent an hour on her moving-in day making Instagram reels and doing a fashion shoot in the apartment courtyard!) and whilst I do make time for things (including her - I spent a whole morning/afternoon showing her around) I just don't have the time to baby her through everything. I would describe her as impractical. She was quite rude when I took her around the city too, I am very fussy about privacy on social media and asked her to not take pictures of me please (politely) as she wanted to Instagram everything to show off to her friends back home (I'm not massive on social media anyway as I would rather just enjoy a moment). She agreed but not very respectfully, saying "We need to have a word about you not wanting to appear in photos!" but when she saw the expression on my face she backed down lol. I have a feeling she doesn't respect me as much because I'm not the kind of person who spends loads of time on social media and who lives an image based lifestyle.I don't think she has great time management skills either, as she was literally stressing today and applying to a hospital job today for which the deadline is midnight, I asked why she didn't do it sooner and she said she thought it would have been fine leaving it till the last minute (she is clearly not fine). But she needs to respect my time and not start being so demanding and entitled towards it. She has a habit of leaving the heating on all night too, it's literally boiling and will make our rent go up (bills are included but it has gone up before when the landlord said it increased due to the gas price). She says she just "forgets" to turn it off and is very careless. She is from a hot country and apparently her family is rich, but I just can't afford to be paying for the rise in bills I know she'll be causing. Not unsurprisingly, she also moans about not being able to save despite probably earning more than I do as a doctor, and literally asked me how I do a budget the other day.She is also quite rude about my personal life in that she will go on and on about her relationships, personal life, problems and dramas (she seems quite naive despite being in her early thirties; she moved in on a whim with a guy she met on a plane who turned out to be psycho, and is now dating a guy who she initially met as a potential landlord and wanted both a girlfriend AND tenant?!) and I'll listen - but when it comes to mine she almost doesn't seem happy to listen? I told her quite a few times my dad passed away a few years ago, which I am still very torn up about. She has still numerous times referred to "your parents" or "your dad seeing you again over Easter" and the last time she did this I was noticeably upset as she'd done it again and she started huffing at the fact I was upset and insisting I continued to eat the food I had stopped eating (literally trying to pick up the spoon and feed me!). I'm not sure if she has an overbearing personality but this was just incredibly RUDE, she had carelessly upset me again and she should have owned up to the fact she had hurt my feelings rather than try to brush them off by hugging me and trying to feed me.I also am quite happy to talk to her friends/family overseas whom she has long conversations with loudly on the phone in the kitchen, and about her personal life, but when I tell her I've been for coffee with the girls etc. or am booking a holiday with them (in a sharing details of my life kind of way) she barely even seems to listen, it's not that I'm excluding her or something but I'm not sure if she either refuses to acknowledge that other people have personal lives that are just as important to them or she gets annoyed by the fact I have been friends with these girls for years and obviously I will hang out with/see them more than I do her. She only has a few friends/family in the area, as opposed to me who is from the area, but obviously despite having been friendly to her she is coming off as a bit clingy/pushy as well as just generally someone who can easily cause offence. For these two reasons I don't invite her along to things and she needs to respect this boundary.I honestly don't think she is a bad person, or that she doesn't try to be polite, but she just so often seems incredibly self-centred, unwittingly rude, pushy and overbearing and careless. When we went shopping, she kept on barging into other people as she doesn't seem to care about making way, and I had to apologise to so many people, including an old lady in a wheelchair she nearly fell over - I felt so bad even though it wasn't my fault! She wanders around in her own little bubble and as someone who tries to respect etiquette it was embarrassing.I'm sorry for the rant but she is really starting to bug me. How do I deal with her? I'm thinking just be firm on not hanging out with her, listen to her less if she won't even bother to listen to the details of my personal life and have a chat about overusing the heating etc.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2022): She sounds to me like a functioning alcoholic who conceals her habit and she will gaslight the blue lights out of you rather than admit the truth.
Take every word she says with a mountain of salt and be merciless about the heating.
Demand an extra $50 a week upfront and offer her to refund it at the end of the month if the heating bill hasn't gone up.
Ask her outright if she is a secret drinker due to the stress of her job.
Once you do she will know you're onto her.
Suggest rehab.
Tell her you have an acute nose for alcohol.
She will start to back off you.
She needs you to prop up her stories as believable.
Offer to buy her a soft drink when you go out.
p
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2022): My dear, rant as much as you need to. That's what we're here for.
Your flat-mate has barged her way through life, because she feels privileged and entitled. She was brought-up under a totally different values-system from your own. Arrogance, flamboyance, and boisterousness is typical of people caught-up in the social media scene; and those few that I do know, are quite insufferable at times. The behavior embarrasses me at finer restaurants, or upscale venues; when grown-men and women behave like tourists. Trying to give-off their version of a celebrity-vibe. Make-believe socialites or wannabee celebrities. They earn fine livings, but they are not that upscale! Like that character portrayed in the movie "Inventing Anna." Making videos of the food, selfies in the middle of dining, so-on and so-forth. Then wondering why I turn-down many of their invitations? I can't stand that kind of carrying-on!
I'm often a no-show when these people throw parties, or I won't RSVP; because I don't fit-in with those types of people. I'm low-key and refined. I will leave the table when heads start turning our way with all the loud chatter! Yes, I have gotten-up and left! I want to comeback someday, I don't want to leave that kind of impression on the management and staff, or offend and disturb other patrons. I hate showing-off in public and making a scene!!! They need the attention! Guess I'm just too old for all that nonsense!
You have to set boundaries, and you have to be assertive when you speak your mind. People will not take you seriously when you hem and haw, and don't deliver your words with fortitude and directness; they'll sense your fear, and will take advantage, if they can tell they intimidate you. You're trying to be nice; because you think being straightforward comes across as mean. You fear her retaliation, or she'll lambast you for sticking-up for yourself. Mean is mean, but being assertive and setting boundaries is essential for survival in a world that has no filters or manners. You will learn, because it is a true survival-skill.
Tell her what you've vented in your post. How you feel she doesn't respect your boundaries, that she makes outings with her awkward and uncomfortable; and that you don't really want to be her friend. You share the flat, and you will be as hospitable and polite as you should; but your lives are separate. You don't mind hanging-out from time to time; but all your past experiences haven't been the types of experiences you can appreciate. You don't mean to be overly-critical, but you feel forced to voice your feelings; because you don't feel you receive the respect you deserve. Thus, you'd rather spend your time with your own friends. You don't mind sharing the flat, but you'd prefer your personal-life to be your own. Condense this down to your own words, but you have to convey to her what you've explained to us. She needs to hear it, without interruption. In fact, ask her to listen to you without interruption; because what you have to say is really important. If she interrupts, pause and close your eyes. Dismiss her words. This is a polite way to block her attempts to shut you down. Narcissists don't like losing their control over you. Closing your eyes in silence lets her know, you are not listening; just waiting for her to shut-up.
It's better to let the truth hurt her feelings; than to let her walk all over you and make your life a living hell.
I'd spend as little time around her as possible when it comes to socializing; because she has every right to live her own life as she sees fit. It doesn't have to be intermingled with yours! If you go as far as calling someone narcissistic; then you realize they don't really take the feelings or concerns of other people seriously. Their primary aim is to promote and elevate themselves; and to downgrade or marginalize everybody else. For them, there is no happy medium; and the only way you get through to them is by direct-route. Tell them straight-up! Be straight-faced when expressing your thoughts; and otherwise, be pleasant and courteous when things are copacetic.
Go your own separate way, be free. You do not have to be big-time BFF's! She has no right to intrude on your life, take videos or photos without your permission; and you will minimize all of this by keeping your distance, and asking her to keep hers. If she doesn't shut-off the heat in the house, and the landlord raises the rent; insist that she make up the difference, since she is the reason it went up. You might even sign an agreement to that effect.
She's not your bff, so don't let her rollover you and make you feel compelled to put-up with her obnoxious and overbearing behavior. It will take time to build up the nerve, but practice at it until you become articulate and assertive enough to voice your feelings without fear and hesitation; and don't let her sense your fear. Be fierce, girlfriend!
When it comes close to time to renew the lease, maybe you might want to ask her to look for another place. You found her, you'll find another roommate. Let future flat-mates know you're a private-person from the get-go, and keep things pleasant but separate. Protect and preserve your independence.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2022): My sister is exactly the same. She's perfectly nice and kind, BUT I could probably count on the fingers of one hand how many times she has asked me how I am in my whole life. She's 69 and I'm 60. She doesn't listen, she just waits until you've finished talking, so she can talk about herself. She never remembers anything I've said about myself. I was really ill one time and couldn't meet her and my other sister for a family meal (what's left of us) and when I did see her, she didn't remember I'd been ill at all. This is just the way she is. She doesn't 'see' other people. She can't relate to others in the way other people do.
My other sister suggested that she might be on the spectrum and this did seem to explain a lot. I don't know if that's correct or not, but she admits that she doesn't 'feel' emotion like others, she didn't cry at our mother's funeral. She said she thought she might for a moment and she said she thought, 'Maybe I am normal,' but then she found the tears disappeared.
I said to my sister, 'If I was drowning in front of her, she probably wouldn't notice. Not because she's horrible, she just wouldn't see it. You'd have to ask her to throw you a life buoy which she would willingly do, but she just can't seem to make these connections.'
I can't change her. I spend small amounts of time with her, because although I do love her, she can be very irritating after a while. You have to put yourself on the back burner and know that nothing you do is of any real interest to her. Everything is about her. My middle sister takes care of her finances because she has no clue as to how much she has. Her husband died recently and he left her very well looked after financially, but she doesn't have the first idea what to do with it. It was all in different accounts and she was being ripped off by two companies it turned out because she didn't want to look at any of it.
So, just as my sister and I have accepted that we can't change her, you have to accept that you cannot change your flat mate. Either accept her as she is or find a reason for her to leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2022): Why can't you fix a timer on the heater so it comes on and goes off at a set time you dictate - that is what a lot of people do.
You say you are a professional person and you do two proper jobs, so how come you need a flat mate and cannot afford to have the place to yourself?
Why not tell her to go, say it is not working out. It is not. As for the idea of going around the shops with her etc, why? Why bother? Are you a professional single woman or a baby sitter? You just say no, your problem is partly about being too accommodating and not wanting to say no when you ought to, then it backfires on you later. Perhaps you should get to know the people who want to move in better next time before you agree. I check out every single tenant who wants to live in one of my many houses. Even though I will never meet them I need to be sure they will be client, respectful, no trouble etc towards neighbours and others.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (11 April 2022):
 Maybe you need to find a way to suggest she moves out and you find another roommate.
She sounds exhausting!
Or you need to let her know you are JUST roommates, not besties, and then stick to doing YOU and she can do what not without you.
I don't know why you feel you need to go shopping and etc. with her. SHE is just your roommate.
Also, if she turns the heater on and up, ADD extra to her rent!
Overall, it sounds like you need to let her know it's not working out, and then give her 30 days (or however long needed) for her to move out so you can find a roommate that is a better fit.
One thing I and wondering, is why didn't you notice all these red flags when you talked to her at first? Was she "acting" normal at first?
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