A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have an awful situation at work: My new jerk-of-a boss was my wife's former lover in college. My wife is mortified by the whole situation, too. My boss also jokes around quite a bit with me, saying things like, "Been there, done that!" and adds "You know I'm only kidding with ya." "You can take a joke, right?" He also hasn't been discreet about it, and says things like that in front of other (guy) colleagues, who laugh a bit, but, I believe, they don't think it's funny either. These are high paying sales jobs, so I can't just pack up and leave. My wife clearly was attracted to him in college - he's tall and, admittedly good looking, jock-type. But he's such a cheesy jerk. My wife said she met him at a bar, and had sex with him a couple of times, out of curiosity. She said he used her, but she admits it's her own fault because she let him use her. She felt terrible guilt about these one night stands, which is uncharacteristic of her; I also knew the story before I even met the guy. Unfortunately, we have several company related events a year, so my wife and I have seen him a few times already, and will likely see him more over the summer. When he sees her, he flirts with her just a little, raises his eye brows, elbows us with a wink --I know my wife just thinks he's gross, as do other women in the office. She also said he had a small one, which makes me a feel a slightly a bit better. I wish she didn;t know his size at all, frankly. It's also causing a bit of tension in our marriage becuase she was slow to have sex with me when we were dating becuase she was religious (--ain't that a kick in the pants??). Any advice on how I should handle the situation without getting fired? Handle my wife?
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (14 June 2010):
 The next time he say "Been there, done that! "You can take a joke, right?" Look him dead in the eyes, lower your voice and say "No. I can't take a joke." Use your body language and your tone of voice to let him know that you will not tolerate his disrespect;you don't have to be insubordinate to get your point across. I don't know if this is an HR matter or not, but keep in mind that he answers to someone, too, and his inappropriate remarks could get him in trouble if he takes things too far.
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (14 June 2010):
 Besides quitting your job, all you can do is be professional. If he wants to be a jerk, fine. Do your job the best that you can do it and keep your relationship with him as professional as possible.
And as far as when your wife has to be around him, just remember YOU got her. He's the one everybody talks about behind his back... not you. You've got a good girl with a good job, just try to keep that in mind. If you can't handle the situation or if it somehow puts stress on your marriage, then you might need to consider looking elsewhere for a job.
But if you both truly trust each other, then you should both just put all of this aside. Everybody deals with their partner having sexual pasts. Yours is a little harder because this guy is a jerk and he's your boss, but it's still her past. You've had WAY more experience with her than he ever will, and you have something that he'll never have.... her love. Don't forget that.
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