A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Background: I live in Government Assisted Housing and there is a girl in the building whom I consider a semi-friend. It is only semi-friend because while we have hung out a few times, I really have a hard time liking her and really wanting to be around her a lot. It was better a few months ago, but she is VERY mentally ill and lately her paranoia and delusions are getting in the way of having a normal conversation or hang-out time with her. I have spoken to Apartment Management and Social Worker (of the building) and they said that they are working with her. She is still pretty furious that I "went behind her bacK" and WILL NOT let it go. She doesn't miss a chance to go on and on as long as she wants about how she was betrayed. Also, she goes on and on about things that happened to her (things that didn't happen at all) and how other women in the complex are treating her (that is true, everyone hates her and literally go away if she shows up. Friend is constantly inter-coming my phone (we can talk apartment to apartment that way) at any our of the day or night. If I turn it off, I could miss office calls, so I can't do that. She also calls me from the resident phone repetitively (that is the phone all residents can use to call out local numbers) and when I don't answer either, she comes and knocks on my apartment door. One time, she knocked for five minutes straight. She always stands to the side so I cannot see her through the peep hole. She will go back and forth between bother phones and my door and then she writes notes and sticks them under my door to "see if I am OK". When I DO answer, she launches into stories about what is happening to her. When I say I have to hang up, she'll finally hang up and call back minutes later and continue talking as if she hadn't been interrupted. I can put her on speaker and she'll go on and on and on even if I don't say a word. If I let her in, she goes on and on as if the conversation wasn't interrupted. Even when she was medicated, I still had issues with her and these are now getting worse.Both of us are pretty broke. I get food stamps and Medicaid for myself and my son and I have a government phone and a (thank God), ground phone that I am blessed is very inexpensive. I use both a lot as I need to stay in touch with family members, people from Narcotics Anonymous, and potential employers. Not all of those people can have their numbers show up on my cell and I don't have caller ID so I can't simply avoid phone calls. I genuinely HAVE TO pick up. To supplement food stamps, I go every Sat urday morning to get free bread and I go to my church every Wednesday for donated toiletries and dry goods. My fat her sometimes sends money once a month for laundry and incidentals and once in awhile, I treat myself and my son to a sandwich from the local deli.That's where my problem with her comes in. She hangs out in the lobby and practically pounces on me the second I get in there. Now, it's the stories, But it's also the food. The second I get back with ANY food (groceries, donations, ESPECIALLY sandwiches) she's right there. I KNOW this woman is hungry. I've brought donated items to her house because I KNOW her cupboards are bare (today, for instance, she has multiple bags of rice, cans of peas and carrots and nsweatened apple-sauce). I have seen her practically tear a dinner that I brought for her open and snarf it down cold. So I feel REALLY guilty when I've got food from a restaurant. What she does is basically follow me to my apartment (she does this EVERY time and although there is no rhyme or reason to when I can get a deli sandwich, she seems to just materialize right as I come home with it. Then she damn near muscles her way into my apartment and stares at it and goes on and on about how good it looks and how nice it must be to be able to do that and how hungry she is and on and on. I was taught that you don't eat in front of people, especially your guests. especially hungry people. I was taught that if guests come over at dinner time, you make room at the table and give them first dibs. I did that ONCE and she snarfed down the whole thing. I sort of put myself in a position where she just expects it but she doesn't really do that with any other food I have because it's the same as hers. From then on out, I just simply put it in the fridge and conversed with her, offered her other foods that I had and made a list of places and times she could go to to get donations. Even gave her some bus tokens I really couldn't spare (so then my son and I would have to walk). My point is that I really resent her doing this to me, I'm hungry, really looking forward to my treat to myself, and annoyed that she wants to eat it. Also, I feel so guilty that I can't really enjoy it. I did once apologize profusely and tell her that I was really hungry, didn't mean to eat in front of her, but only had a few minutes to unpack my donations, eat my lunch, and run right back out again. I couldn't even enjoy it and when I confided in my sister, she told our parents and they were understandably mortified that I would be so rude and furious that I had done that. When they came to visit me, they always bring food, and they filled her cabinets too and informed her that I had shamed them by doing that and taht it wouldn't happen again and that I would make up for it. That is pretty typical to them but I can't make people understand that. Yes, I am a full-fledged adult, but many people think they treat me like a child but that is because of having my child outside of marriage with someone they did not approve of and that i am a drug addict because I was not raised that way. So while I am grateful that they help my son and me, I do owe them.How do I handle this situation? Apologies for taking so long to type this, the Friend herself repeatedly came in and stared right at my screen as I was typing this. I am in the computer lab of the building and she came by to chat
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 December 2013):
 Wow. It sounds like you live in a situation similar to my son's.
when he's having issues like this with his apartment mates I refer him to his case worker. I would like to do the same to you.
You have an apartment manager and a social worker. I would seek guidance from them in terms of how to learn to assert yourself.
Things like "I'm sorry I only have enough for my son and myself this time and we would like to eat while it's fresh, can we talk later?" and keep walking.
Develop CODE rings with your family and friends... call once let it ring once and hang up, then call back.... that sort of thing.
If someone knocks on the door and you can't see it don't answer. If it's her, don't answer if you can see her. That problem solved.
My only concern is that she may get violent with you if you put her in her place but she's taking massive advantage of you by just bullying you into accepting her.
stop calling her a friend first of all. she's not a friend, she's a neighbor... I'm not FRIENDS with my neighbors i'm FRIENDLY... that's the difference. be friendly and civil but she's not your responsibility.
do not take on more stress than you need... it could endanger your recovery or your child.
JUST say NO!
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