A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm not looking for pity but I feel like cow dunk.My mother's always putting her nose in my business but yesterday I couldn't take her insults anymore when she tried to make me out as a poor example of a mother to 4 kids. It started over dinner when my sons started arguing over the last mess of macaroni. One thing led to another then my eldest son blurted out that my younger son was having sex with a married man which escaled to the two of them wrestling and tearing apart my mother's house. In the process of al the commotion my mother lashed out at me yelling that it wasn't my boys fault but all mine because I set the bad example of homosexuality and cheating all because I changed to female companionship years ago and only with married females. My mother disgraced me in front of my kids with the bible calling me wretched for my homosexuality way and corrupt for the number of affairs I've took on with married women.My woman partner lives with me and my kids in the house my mother inherited from her parents located a couple blocks from my mother.she moved in with us 2 months ago when her husband threw her out when he found out our relations.He's fighting her for custody of their 3 kids. He's a dick. My mother claims she's going to report me to cps for being a lousy role setter for my kids plus she ordered me to send my girlfriend back to her husband. I can't understand why my mother would blame me for the chaos between my sons. I'm a good mother and I don't think my sexuality or preference for married women makes me a bad role model. I will fight my girlfriends husband for custody of his and her kids with her. I'm not speaking to my mother for a few weeks so she will come to her senses. I'm a good mother. How can I make me mother see this and why is she blaming my sons homosexuality and preference for mmarried men on me as a bad thing? I want my son to be with anyone he feels good with.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): "I can't understand why my mother would blame me for the chaos between my sons."
I don't know if this instance over the macaroni has a direct link to your life choices, but I see why your kids might be kind of chaotic. Kids need a stable environment. Dating only married woman and then inviting them to live in your disapproving parents house sounds pretty messy and chaotic to me. If I was kid, I might not be fighting, but I would definitely be avoiding my house.
Your mother is a homophobe and it was tactless and cruel of her to say what she did in front of your kids. But you act as if the situation is simple matter of personal preference...you act as though as if you believe if your mother just overlooked the small stuff, it would all be alright.
She's angry because she's perhaps ashamed...but it also sounds like she takes some liability for your choices and she wishes you would take more responsibility for yourself and your family.
You choose to engage in adulterous relationships.
You choose to invite a string of different women into your childrens lives (none of who are likely to commit to you and your children).
You choose to live in your mother's house though you know it upsets her.
If you want approval that raising a family in that environment is alright, you won't find it here.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 You see being with married women as being okay, but you are also not on the end that gets destroyed from such activities. Why married? Afraid of commitment? Did you tell your partner that when her divorce is final, she's no longer married, therefore doesn't fit within the characteristics of what you're looking for in a woman?
Your mom is entitled to her opinion. I only see this as disgracing you, if you feel what you are doing is that disgrace. Other than that, it's an opinion, which she is entitled to, even if it's not the direction that you agree with.
When is adultery okay? It's not. You can't justify your actions as being okay, as long as there is someone on the other end that can be hurt by the actions you take with their spouse. I have a simple philosophy. You can do anything you want, as long as what you do doesn't cause harm to another. What you do teaches your children how to have a positive or a negative relationship. What they should accept and what they should not. You are the influence, and if your relationships are based on affairs without any commitment, they learn that is THE normal method of having a relationship.
Your mom quoted the bible. So, that's her opinion which everyone is entitled to. You say the truth of your actions make you look like a pathetic role model. That's your perception of your actions. No one can tell you that you make poor choices, and have their opinion hold any substance, unless you yourself perceive it in the way that they state. In this case, you see married women. Your mom brought that up. You say in doing so it makes you look like a pathetic role model. That's your perception of your actions that rests underneath other reasons why you may choose to do so. What she's said only affects you in the way that you stated, if you see the negative affect of your actions yourself.
I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (10 January 2011):
 Once we become parents are decisions are not our own they become our families as well. It should matter. Your family is affected by what you are doing with your life I have to agree with your mother. You lead by example. You first need to control your household before you take on more kids to control. Those kids belong to her husband as well as her; I'm not against homosexuality, in no shape, form or fashion. I'm against parents forcing their lifestyles down on their kids and not properly looking at how it's affecting the family as a whole. This is called selfish. This is not to say you're a bad mother mother, NEVER THAT! I'm saying, we all can make better choices. Ijs.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (10 January 2011):
 hi
you are probably a fantastic mum, no one is disputing that, but lets face it, if you go around having affairs with married people (whether it is a gay affair or not is irrelevant) then you cannot say to your son when he goes with a married person 'don't do that, son, its wrong' the matter of your sons homosexuality is such a big question 'is it nature or nurture?' and NO ONE knows the answer to this - not even your mum! she is just sounding off i think, she is upset and depending on her views about gays, she maybe disappointed that your son has chosen men, she is looking for someone to blame, the way people always do when they are hurt and you are the obvious source for her
xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): sometimes moms just feel guilty they think that they havnt done a proper job in raising there son or daughter and that guilt makes them lash out. also it must be extremly hard to be living with a parent and ur an adult urself thats just the way it is, and there is nothing wrong with prefernces everyone can do wat they want in there life its a free world as long as ur happy, just try stay out of her way if she gets u frustrated at times maybe calmly say to her this frustrates me wat u do or this bothers me if u see itl turn in a fight just leave it. but botlling it up will only make matters worse also maybe u can talk to her about stuff?
its just a few suggestions ive been in ur situation and it doesnt feel gud i know lol
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A
male
reader, faenon  +, writes (10 January 2011):
 I can agree with your mother on the terms of adultery what example that is setting to your boys do you want them to grow up thinking it's ok to destroy happy homes? How'd you feel if your boys got married than had their wife have a affair on them the shoe would be on the other foot then. Why do you chase married women for? Whats wrong with finding the single lesbians?Sounds like you much prefer to have dramas in your life.
By sounds of things maybe you do need to start realising your actions also get implanted into a impressionable childs mind and since they see a parent behaving that way think its the norm. If it bothers you that much stop having your mother over but then the question also lies with how old are your sons to start?
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