A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I need a lot of opinions on this, may be from your own experience, but i really need to understand what's going w/me before i go and spend 200/hour on a therapist.I am in my early forties, been married for over 20 years, and my marriage is veru successfull. We have warm and loving relationship, no control issues from any side, we hardly fight, sometimes, very infrequent.I am going through a very hard time in my life: my mom is dying. She's been sick for 6 years, early althheimer. And now she is declining so rapidly. I just went to visit her, we live in different states, spend there 2 weeks, it was terrible. She is on hospice, they call me everyday to tell me more bad news. I m an only child, i feel so alone in all of this.I can't sleep at all, last night i just driffted away few times for a few minutes and back to my thoughts. I took antianxiety pills, but they have a strange affect on me, i don't want to take them anymore. I drink a lot of wine though lately, like every other day, that needs to stop also. It doesn't help anyway.But the most disturbing thing that happens to me is that i can't be near my husband AT ALL. EVERYTHING he does irritates me, even the sound of his voice. There is no intimacy of any kind for the past month. He gets angry at me, i don't even care. All I want for him is just to leave me alone. I started going out more w/my girlfriends who try to cheer me up. Now i do it so often that i am never home. I watch the clock around 6.30 when my husband arrives home and try to think of any reason just to run away.This past Monday a strangest thing happen. My girlfriend and me went to a bar in a neighbourhood, where we go all the time. We know a lot of people that come there also, waiters and waitresses, owners and a chef.We go there for quite a while, as food is great, and atmosphere is warm. All waitresess know of course my husband, as we dine there at least couple times a month.This time we went very late, crowd started to become younger and younger. I new one man there who always flirted w/me. this time was no exeption. He sat next to me all night, talking.I started to realize that this time i don't even try to distance him,i actually i realized what a handsome man he is, and sitting next to him, i started even wondering what it would be like to kiss him, and..i didn't know what else.Of-course he felt it immediately. At the end, when we were going home, he asked me if i can just drive him to his car. When my girlfriend saw him in my car, she was very surprised. She asked me what am i doing, she was trying to warn me saying that she knows this guy, and he is just an animal. At that point i didn't want to listen, just told her that i'll be fine. Well, to make the long story short, we went to the beach, and kissed, and ...well, i never went all the way. I stoped, and he kept repeating:it's just not fair, it's just not fair. Then, i finally drove him to his car.I went home, not even thinking of what happened. but in a morning, i actually couldn't believe it was me on that beach with that guy.WHAT WAS I THINKING AND DOING?Now tell me, what am i doing and why am i doing this?I still can't stay home w/my husband. Despite the fact that i was bewildered by my actions that night, i went out again yesterday, and caught myself on checking out guys around me. What is happening to me? and why now at this terribly difficult moment in my life i just want to do a crazy thing like that. I don't know if i can stop myself the next time.My mom was not really leaving for the past 6 years, i want it to be over for her soon, this is not life.In a mean time i am such a mess. May be this how i am dealing w/situation, but what a strange way i choose.Hope. i hear from you guys and girls. Anyone else experienced anyhting like that? Thank you so much in advance.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): Dear lady
you need to be stronger to handle the situation. otherwise you will loose every thing you mother, your hubby, your family your kids.
Did you not be with your MIL and FIL in their sickness, in person serving them in their illness? if no then you will feel lonely coz, you are not expecting your DH with you and finding with you. This world is very strange, only good deeds gives you strength. the more bad deeds you will do you will become further week and problem will become much more. So you are old enough to handle face the sickness.
My advice will be to total surrender to your DH and cry, it will resolve all the guilt and distance that you have built in your mind.
this is why Marriage is b/n not 2 individual but it is b/n 2 families.
A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (27 May 2010):
 Your going through a hard situation and it must be hard to see your moms condition deteriorate each day more and more. Find strength in yourself not to push away your husband because he is and will be your support through these harsh times. I'm am going to give you this link its support group for people that have a love one with Alzheimer's, going to these meeting you might find peace and will be able to cope with your situation and will learn ways to handle your pain.
http://www.alz.org/apps/findus.asp
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A
male
reader, Mr.M +, writes (27 May 2010):
Hey, I really feel for you.
You are in a gut wrenching situation losing your mother a little bit everyday. I imagine you are feeling guilty and deeply frustrated because you are unable to help her as you want to. But also you want this and all the other pressure in your life to go away. You clearly need some time to yourself away from your problems, or you'll be overwhelmed, but don't be destructive.
Don't tell you husband about the guy on the beach -- not now away. Do communicate him what you're going though and how overwhelmed you feel; that it might not be fair to him and his needs, but that you need his empathy and support -- and some space. If he's still _there_ you be thankful, and find some small ways to give back to him if he is supporting you. I'm sure he's not a bottomless well either.
I not sure but possibly the reason you can't be near you husband has more to do with the responsibility that come with marriage (more pressure) than him. Just be careful not to lash out.
When I was in a similar place, I needed to be loved and held and cared for, and I also wanted to f**k and be f**ked hard (please excuse the language but I think it's apt). I don't know if it was stress driving my hormones or just a need to escape everything else. I think sex can be a great release, but I'm nearly certain following up this guy is going to be destructive.
If this weren't I public forum I would blunt -- just be careful.
From the first answer, be patient with yourself. If you have health insurance see if it covers some psychological services. I've seen a few therapists, some were great some not so good. As your friends to recommend a good one and don't stay with a bad one. Even it you don't have insurance at lease have a few sessions.
You may laugh, but exercise. Run, play tennis, anything to work off your frustrations. Long hard hikes are great. Don't sit. Really turn the computer off and go outside.
mrmultispeed
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A
female
reader, iiSparkle  +, writes (27 May 2010):
 Hey there,
After reading this a few times i thought id try and help you the best i can.
Well maybe you and your husband are drifitng away and that hes never really there for you physically. You say you havent had intamicy for a month or so, maybe your trying to look for comfort in other guys, without realsing what your doing.
I understand you must be very upset dealing with your mum, and want to escape everything. Do you love your husband?
If you do then theres nothing you need to worry about, try talking to him and share your feelings, let him comfort you and try to make you happy. If he annoys you then ask yourself why? hes only trying to see how you are, your pushing him away further and further without knowing it.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with these trypes of situations, all you can do is to plan ahead, and spent all the time with your mum and let her know how much you love and appreciate her. Think postive about life, and stop taking wine and antianxiety pills this will make you feel more worse.
Try to spend time with the people you like, friends, relatives, husband. And Go out with your husband and do something exciting and something enjoyable so you both can recconect with eachother.
Also it may be happening due to blood pressure ect, so try to eat healthy and be more energetic.
Hope this helps,
Wishes you and Your husband the very best :)
And hopes your mum gets well.
Good luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010): I've lived something very close to what you're going through.Watching your parents die is horrific. My mother was chronically ill for a dozen years before she finally succumbed. I got used to her being sick, and the end when it came was something of a relief, and I felt guilty for feeling that way. But it was tough caring for her all those years, and having to start to almost parent *her* as she became less and less capable.It was my father's illness, though, where I really lost it. He seemed robust and healthy, and then was diagnosed with terminal cancer. So for the following months it was like I was on a roller coaster that I couldn't stop. He was going to die, I watched him decline, and there was nothing I could do about it. I drank more. And I found comfort in a girl who wasn't my wife.You have all kinds of emotions happening. Emotions that, as much as your husband may be sympathetic to, he's not experiencing. It's even worse for you as an only child, because there is no one else who is sharing the experience with you. Under those circumstances you have to find an outlet. In this case the outlet is a fling.There is no one who can tell you how to deal with so much raw emotion. You're coping the only way you know how. All I can tell you is to remain aware that you're *not* in your right mind just now, so *do not* make any decisions about your future, and do your best to limit the consequences of how you're coping just now.Be patient with yourself.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 May 2010):
A few weeks ago, my girlfriend and I had an argument where she claimed I wasn't supporting her and was like her ex husband. As you can imagine, this came as a surprise since I've done everything possible to ensure I'm not like him. So we ended up talking about it and it turned out that it had nothing to do with me. The problem was that she was hurt over something at work, and she needed to take it out on someone. She said she didn't mean to hurt me, but did it because she just wanted someone to be hurt.
And I think that's what you're doing. I don't think you're coping with your mother's illness at all. I think the stress is getting to you, and as you say, you feel alone. So maybe this is a cry for attention. Maybe you need your husband to be more supportive. Or perhaps you're in pain so you want him to be in pain, and you know by cheating it will hurt him.
You must stop this now. Because if you go any further and continue this, you'll lose your husband as well as your mother, and you really will be alone and the pain will be even worse. I think you need to get to grips with your husband and tell him you need more support. He's there for you. But if you cheat and he finds out, no one will be there for you at all.
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