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My mother is dating my ex-boyfriend...what do I do?

Tagged as: Family, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 March 2009) 5 Answers - (Newest, 22 March 2009)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My mother is dating my ex-boyfriend, who I was on and off with for five years. I am still in love with him and she knows it... well I'm not any more. They are actually trying to have a relationship. My kids loved him.

She was never a great mother.. and I don't want my kids around such immoral behavior. What should I do?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Yes, Yes, I know it is very Jerry Springer. Lovely family I have, huh? It's humiliating because all of our mutual friends have seen them together. And for those of you that disagree with me keeping my children away from her...she is NOT a model grandmother...she doesn't attempt to spend time with them or anything. She doesn't deserve them. However, their father's mother makes up for it..she is amazing.

Back to the subject. I guess I need to give you the full story with all the dirty little details. We'll call him Tom. Okay, so Tom is NOT the father of my children. When I was pregnant (five years ago), I found out while I was staying with Tom for a few weeks. We were good friends. Well, he fell for me and begged me not to go back to Bill (my kids' father...not his real name) and told me that he would take care of the baby not to tell Bill about it. Of course I thought that was crazy, so I told Bill and we got back together. Okay..over the years, Bill and I had an on & off relationship because he was in his irresponsible phase or whatever, one time we were split up for 6 months. I know this sounds crazy, but I was in love with Tom and was with Bill because I felt like it was the RIGHT thing to do for my kids. So...each time that we were split up, Tom and I were togther. This has gone on for five years. We were together at the beginning of the year..I miscarried his baby (thank God for that because the situation would have been worse). I broke up with him becase A. Can't hold a job B. Not taking care of his own kids C.Even though my kids love him, they deserve better. Okay...regardless of this...I will always (would have before this) love him. My mother knew this. I talked to her about it a week before I found out about THEM. I found something of his and asked her if I should call him to come get it because there were so many emotions and I didn't feel right seeing him, knowing that I still cared, and Bill and I were REALLY trying to work things out. As a matter of fact, Bill and I are engaged and we just closed on our new home. Well, she said "No, just throw it away, it'll just cause problems". So..I threw it away. Now keep in mind that Tom just called me 2 weeks prior to this trying to beg me back.

Okay...background info on my Mother. My Dad(her husband of 23 years) just passed away in September of 2008. She cheated on him for the last two years of his life with a man he worked with. She brought a friend of his (that the family didn't know...he had recently met my Dad four months prior to his death) to the wake. She slept with him a few days later. She is 42, he is 24. I'm 25. Okay...then she randomly slept with a 22 year old...one night stand...that she met through a friend of mine. She asked if he had any "friends" , met the boy, and slept with him in the same night. Through all this she was seeing the guy she cheated on my Dad with. So...I was already upset with her behavior but I stuck by her side because she had been through a lot and I thought she was having a phase or something.

She broke up with the guys she was cheating with and the same night she slept with my ex. I didn't know...she was bragging to me about sleeping with a 25 year old. She told me DETAILS of the sex. She smiled in my face about it. I even helped her pick out an outfit for a night out with her "new friend". Well...that friend was Tom.

Apparently they are in love and he is moving in with her... and apparently she is going to pay 200.00 child support for him (he is a deadbeat dad) when she gets paid on Tuesday. I'm not speaking to her...this is what I've heard from Carol (the mother of Tom's children). We are friends because I love her kids...and she trusts me with them. She is sickened by this also.

To make the situation worse, stupid me let my Mother add two phone lines on my account for her and her ex (the man she cheated on my Dad with)..she got a new phone so that she could two-way Tom and she told me to have the two lines disconnected. She said she would pay the remaining bill. Now she is refusing to pay it. She owes me 113.02...Not a big deal I guess but it's the principle. Since she has no morals or values this means nothing to her.

I'm ashamed that I am related to her. I don't understand any of her behavior. I have two sons and a daughter. I couln't imagine treating them..or anyone else...like this. And my daughter could be impressioned with this behavior. I will not let this happen.

As far as Tom...he was the only man I felt that I could depend on besides my Dad. Now they are both gone...and my Mother, too...all in five months. I'm over him now...I'll never move past this...and as far as my Mother is concerned...I have none.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009):

not motherly behaviour at all.

keep you kids away from these 2 - protect them and don't expose them to this type of nonsense.

you have every right to he hurt..........

but carry on with your life, live every moment to the fullest with your kids.......

if the right man comes along DO NOT introduce him to your "mother"

as for the loser bf.........lose him

just get away from these 2.....spells trouble and heartache for you and your kids........

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009):

I'm so sorry for your mother's actions. I can't understand why she would date your ex., that's terrible. All you can do is get over it and let it go. I don't think you can even talk to her about it coz it will be a waste of time. What kind of mother would do that to her daughter. I hope our ex breaks up with her soon, coz I'm sure he's a better person than her.

Just be a good mum to your kids, and make sure you don't introduce your next boyfriend to mommy dearest.

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A male reader, Moviefan United States +, writes (19 March 2009):

Moviefan agony auntYou cant really take your kids away from their grandmother, kind of immoral in itself. Does she know how much this bothers you, i mean it may seem obvious but you never know.

Is there any chance he is doing this out of spite or hate?

Is she just dating him to get back at you possibly for your lack of a good relationship between you two. We need more info, what is the motive, the reason, etc.

Right now all we know is that there is an awkward situation happening around you right now. Because of what little I know all i can say is try to talk it out, with her or him and try to bring an end to it, and i can understand why you wouldn't want children exposed to that. If they really like each other then thats even weirder.

Hope to help

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A female reader, lotus mama808 United States +, writes (19 March 2009):

lotus mama808 agony auntOoo, how Jerry Springer! Let them be, and don't subject your kids to it if you feel it is a bad example. Are your kids also his kids? If thats the case, he has rights, but you are definetly not obligated to have your kids around that. I am sorry, it must hurt to see them together, and it is wrong. Hang in there, .ove forward and meet someone new:)

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