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male
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anonymous
writes: This is going to sound amazing pathetic coming from a guy but here it goes. How do I get closer to my emotionally distant mom? Shes a big time CEO and shes never really been there for me. I've lost count to how many birthays, anniversarys, and weddings shes missed. Shes even missed mine! She doesn't see my kids that much, if at all or my wife. What really gets to me is that my wife is really close to her family. Her parents passed away but she talks to her brother every day either on the phone or msn messenger.I don't feel neglected or anything, but I'm raising kids and I hope my son and daughter can be that close. But it also makes me wish I was close to my own family. Is there any way I can fix this or do I just have to get used to it?
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (22 June 2006):
 I have to say that Irish49 has said a lot of what I would have said and even though I love my mum dearly for years she could never say the words I love you and it always bugged me.
It wasn't until I was older myself that I pointed it out to her one day on the phone that she never said I love you to be perfectly honest she didn't even realise it which could well be the case in your mum's situation. Was she close to her own mother? Mine wasn't and she ended up bringing up her 2 younger siblings so there was a resentment there from the start.
Your mum is a high flyer and when you are in such a high position emotions have to be left at the door it seems as there is no room for weakness and in a male orientated environment, women have to appear very strong and it sounds as though your mum is one of those women.
I am sorry that you feel so hurt by her actions.
I would talk to her openly and ask her why she never expresses her love, ask her if she is proud of you and tell her that you don't want your children to not know their grandmother.
Send her family photos and keep her informed of what is going on and invite her to things and say how your children would love to see her. Play on the emotional card as such. I am not saying for one second that miracles will happen but keep your family in the forefront for her and you may see a small change who knows.
By being a great dad you can put all the things that were wrong in your childhood right in theirs and I tell my daughter that I love her every day and have always done that as my sister has done the same with her 3 girls. They are older now and they know that grandma is a cold fish but they still love her but not like their other grandmother like your children will.
The one thing I feel that I have learnt over the last 6 years since my dad found out he had bowel cancer and successfully had an operation to remove it, is that unfortunately he is now quite seriously ill but 78 years old is a good age really. W basically get one chance at life and trying to reflect on what might have been or what you feel you are missing out on in the relationship with your mother should not distract you from enjoying your family and enjoying every second of your life.
In the long run if you do talk to your mother openly and she still decides to run her life like an office/corporation then that is her perrogative but at the same time it is your choice to let her as she will be the one who finally misses out and may only realise that when it is too late to put it right or catch up so don't dwell on what could of been but what you have right now and even though the relationship with your mother is distant and hit and miss, there is still one there of sorts and whilst it isn't easy like my relationship with my mother we come to accept it for what it is and nothing more.
You sound like a good husband and good father so embrace that and run with it eh!!
BFN
Country Woman
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2006): How sad. I am sorry. Your mother has emotionally cut you off for such a long time, I can't see her making any remarkable changes. No one can change her, except herself. There are some women in this world, who just should never be Mom's. It doesn't mean she's a bad person...it just means she is unable to display love like most Mother's do. You can open up to her and try restoring some form of bond, but this may be hard for her because it's not in her nature to do so. She is who she is. I am glad you have taken this experience and turned it into a positive by becoming the most loving father you can be to your own children. I would still call your Mom and keep in touch. After all, your aim is to have a family relationship with her, not count who’s right or wrong. I do hope you are able to reach out to her in a loving, way. Just don't expect a lot in return, dear. Count your blessings and perhaps do what I did, with my own emotionally distant Mother...I loved her from a distance but I also came to appreciate the wonderfully, loving family, I had acquired in my in-laws. A wonderful, large, loving family. To this day, even after a divorce from my husband, I am still very close to these people. Good luck dear
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