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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My married boyfriend is vowing that he no longer wants to stay married to his wife. She does not know this though. He tells me he is working on their marriage for her benefit and to appease her, although it is not what he wants. He is going through the motions right now, he says, not to upset her and disturb the peace. They put their house up for sale today, which he told me about. She found out about our affair and wants to sell the house and move out of the city we live in, to avoid him seeing me and continuing a relationship with me. Well, moving to a nearby city would not guarantee that. But that isn't why I am here.He initially told me that once they sell, he will be getting his own place with the proceeds from the sale of their home, and they would be splitting assets. We would then begin dating properly while both of us maintains our own residence.Now he is telling me that he has agreed to buy a smaller place with her, and only spend about half the earnings from the sale of their current home. He said he loves me, and only me, and wants to spend his future with me, but feels he has to keep up the facade for awhile. That means agreeing to buy a new place together. His reason is guilt. He wants to leave her without her knowing he is leaving her for me, because leaving for another woman makes him look like a bad person in his eyes. And he does not want his family to think of him as a bad person. So, he is playing the part of husband for the time being, buying a new place with his wife, and making sure she is stable so he can walk away knowing she has a house for herself for retirement, while he eventually gets his own place, and begins a new life with me. Is this logical? Can anyone tell me how I need to deal with this? I am confused.
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male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (5 April 2021):
 OP this is a classic case of you being the mistress, seeing a married guy who say's he will leave his wife but never will.
I think you words you need to drum into yourself here are HE NEVER WILL leave his wife for you.
We see these situations time and time again here on DC, he will string you along, keeping you dangling with false promises, false hope, and lies after lies.
OP you are better than this, you are worth more than this, stop wasting your life on this liar, this cheat and ditch him and find someone available who gives you the love and respect that you deserve.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2021): DON'T go with the married boyfriend; you're only going to be the victim of, and for want of a better term, a con-man.
He's conning both his wife and you.
This is the sort of thing a grifter does, and you don't really want one, do you?
Leave him; this is very much a case of "be careful what you wish for".
While I don't have actual examples from ordinary people, this kind of thing happened to a celebrity, and the relationship didn't last in the end anyway, she couldn't trust him.
Don't go there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2021): You are wasting your time. Life is too short to spend on people like this. My advice - end all ties and find someone who is available. It will be painful in the short term. But if you keep seeing him you will endure far more long term pain.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (3 April 2021):
 Ah, OP
You are "dating" a liar, and you have finally caught on.
He wants to leave her so she won't know he is leaving her for you. OP, how dense does he think his wife is? She knows he has had an affair if he leaves and starts to date you... then OBVIOUSLY he left her for you.
He says he will EVENTUALLY get a place of his own. Bull shit. If you were so important to him, he would TAKE this opportunity to leave NOW. But he doesn't. HIS image as a "good man" and "good husband" is more important to him than you are. Even more important than his wife is.
His family will know. Eventually. They will all dislike him and hate you. That is reality.
And maybe THEN the wife will kick him out. Then you can have her leftovers.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2021): You either believe his story or you don't. Remembering that he is a consummate liar. Look, he might want to be with you etc etc but not very much. He wants to appease his wife more and have a better image in the eyes of his family, more than be with you at this moment. If he's telling the truth. So, best case scenario for you is, he is intending to leave his wife for you once they're settled in their new place, but you are still nowhere near as important as she is, nor his reputation. Ok, now he's left her and he's with you. You will never trust him. Not in a million years. He's on his phone. Who's he talking to? Is his wife trying to get him back? Is she working on him? Is he seeing her behind your back? He's already told you lie after lie after lie about his plans. Why wouldn't he lie now? If you want, the way you will be able to test whether he is just stringing you along, is to wait and see. Next thing, there'll probably be another reason why he can't leave. And then again. And again. And you'll wake up and realise he's playing you. I know, these people seem so plausible and reasonable but look at the physical evidence.He hasn't told her he wants to leave to be with you. She has found out and wants them both to move. Exactly what he's doing. Pleasing and appeasing her. The best time it could possibly be for him to leave his wife, would be when they have sold their house. But no, he is embarking on another commitment with her. Like she wants. And most likely, it's what he wants too. IF he wanted to be with you, he would be. He would take this opportunity of actually ridding himself of this commitment of a house with her to leave. But he's carrying on, committing himself to her again. If it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck......You may take this as bad news. I would take it as the best news of your life. It leaves you free to break from the influence of him and find someone who can make you happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2021): This guy sounds savvy. He is playing both his wife and you and neither one of you seems prepared to give him his walking papers.I note your age here. Obviously you seem want commitment here...maybe kids but essentially he is offering you nothing concrete and he is starting the game of promising you something and not following through. I would suggest you start to get used to this.You say he is trying to shield his wife but you also mention that she knows about your affair. Who is he trying to kid here.There are many of us who wittingly or unwittingly got entangled with a married man and for many it brought heartache. In addition put yourself in the shoes of his wife.Are there no single men in your circle. This situation sounds like a dead end for you.Terminate it now. You can and deserve better.
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