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female
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anonymous
writes: I got married when I was very young (20) and now I feel like maybe that was too young. It's only been three years and I have often thought about kissing other men. There is one man in particualar that I have been spending some time with lately that I have strong feelings for. I know that he likes me. He has liked me for many years now. He is single and makes comments about how he wishes I had a sister so he could date someone like me. I know it's wrong to feel this way. I am consumed by guilt and I haven't even cheated. And I know that it would only be worse if I followed through on these feelings.I know that most people would say that I need to identify what is wrong with my marriage and go from there, but the problem is that there isn't anything wrong with my marriage. I love my husband and I love spending time with him. We are planning on having a family as soon as possible. But I just can't avoid the feelings I have. Not just for the other man, but I have feelings that I was just too young to be married and now there's nothing I can do. It's like I'm looking for flaws in my husband to try to justify this. But he hasn't done anything wrong. He deserves better than me.I don't know what my question really is. I guess I'm just looking for advice in general. Has anyone else been through something like this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): I have to say that I am saddened to hear that people no longer understand the meaning of vows of fidelity and to love for all time.
"...through good times and bad, through sickness and in health, to death do us part"
Why don't people listen to the vows and remember to live them everyday?
I don't think there is such a thing as a perfect man/husband. There are many good men, many honest men, many reliable men, many loving and understanding men.
I think you have to realize how fortunate you are to find a man who can commit; due to the numerous post of this site...good men seem harder to come by.
I don't think the problem lies within the marriage but within yourself.
I say get some individual counseling to help you sort out your feelings and thoughts; you'll be surprised why you feel like you life have little value and meaning.
You need to talk this out and a counselor will encourage you to explore your feelings more deeply so that you can find a TRUE answer to your question.
Please do this before leaving the marriage. I say leave as you may as well if you believe acting on your lust will solve anything or will bring you happiness.
Following lustful needs to validate your exsistance/life is a temporary solution and will only bring more heartache and confusion into your life.
Please let me know how things are going.
*hugs*
Oh, may I suggest five books for you to read?
1) Standing for Something by Gordon B Hinckley
2) The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey
3) Keeping the Love you Find by Harville Hendrix
4) Love Smart by Doctor Phil Mc Graw
"There are no exceptions: there is somebody for everybody, and everybody deserves a relationship filled with love and excitement. Love Smart offers you the plan to find not just any relationship but the committed, loving, joy-filled relationship you've been waiting for. Dating is simply one of the most inefficient, nonproductive, haphazard ways to try and find a committed, fulfilling relationship, says Dr. Phil. Stop making excuses and start taking action! Determine what you want in a partner, plot your course, and get out there and create a loving connection." (can get this on CD as well)
5) Relationship Rescue by Doctor Phil Mc Graw
"Dr. Phillip McGraw turns his honest, unflinching eye toward relationships--diagnosing them, repairing them, and maintaining them. This hands-on book is for people who realize their relationship is in trouble, but who don't want to give up on it. Get your relationships back on track with clear action-oriented steps for reconnecting partners. Relationship test included."
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): I am in the same predicament.
I have always had a problem with staying faithful in long term relationships and when I meet my current husband I thought It would be perfect forever. Untill I meet someone who I find adorable and very physically attractive.
I am tearing myself apart, I truly love my husband, and our sex life is great, and I am not justifying cheating (which as yet I have not done to him) but I think that because he has not satisfied certain aspects of my expectations of a husband I am presented with someone I fancy and cant help but be drawn to him, perhaps because of my human instincts to be happy. It doesnt help that he (my husband)has done some pretty shitty things to me.
We are always taught that cheating on a partner you love is a very bad and harmful thing, but I believe that to be true if the affair is one of feelings and emotions. I have told my partner from the outset that if he ever finds himself lusting for someone that I would prefer that he just shag her and get it out of his system rather that make himself miserable and possibly idolise this person for something they are not. He however does not feel this way.
Before you get married you should have these conversations, but as with me most people are so caught up in the worlwind of love that they dont event think of it, and then when reality hits in and you relax into marrige as time goes on, these things inevitably happen. Sex after all is just a physical need, like eating or crying, but the "moral" world says its wrong. This concept is heavily religion based and is a very out dated view on things.
I think that if its just a physical thing then you should just get it out of your system. Its when its emotional that you need to evalute your marriage.
You would have to be a saint or a very stupid person to think that once you find your life partner that you will never again lust for another person, I mean you may love your wife/husband/girl/boyfriend but how many of you have lustful feelings for Brad Pitt/Pamela Anderson for example. Its just that you will likely never find yourself in the position to shag them. However think truly about how it would be if the object of your desire was up for it and in front of you.!?!
Dont be hipocrites.
Unless you have been there then you cant comment.
Not everyone has the same spiritual or morale ideas or views.
And if you havent been there then you must not meet any other people apart from your partner because evetually you will end up finding yourself at this cross road.
All this said I feel like shit. Because I feel like more than anything, I feel like I am not a good person.
But one way or another i feel like even thinking about it is cheating, and that there is a problem. So does that mean if you fantasise about someone else other than your partner that you should end the relationship.
I know your all thinking, "you dont have to act on it." But this person that I am lusting for, is not about to leave my life any time soon, so surely its better to just get it out of my system, and save myself the heart ache of starting to try and break up my marrige just to shag some guy I only have physical feelings for?
At least if I do it I will feel guilt and try to make my marrige better or knowing if its over, knowing the truth of how I feel?
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (24 August 2006):
 "I know that most people would say that I need to identify what is wrong with my marriage and go from there, but the problem is that there isn't anything wrong with my marriage."
Honey, I commend your bravery for coming forward. At least you are listening to your inner voice (somewhat) and not giving in to your emotions.
You may not or cannot acknowledge that a problem exists in your marriage, but we can see that one exists. You simply choose not to see the problem and instead wallow in self-pity and denial as you avoid doing the deep introspection required to see what is lacking in your life and your marriage.
We can help you see what you lack in your marriage (I have some ideas), but you have to choose to receive our help. No one can make you do anything that you don't want to on this forum. Good luck and take care.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2006): Well, if you're thinking about someone else...there's a reason for it. Unless you're completly satisfied with your current partner, you're naturaly going to gravitate towards someone who you THINK can fullfill your needs. Be it emotional, physical, or simply platonic. Human nature drives us to be happy. Remember above anything else, your happines should be the detrmining factor in anything you do. That being said, if you know you're currently unhappy, do something NOW. If you need to end it, better sooner than later :/
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2006): Quite frankly you dont know what you want and if you dont sit down and re-evaluate yourself you are going to loose your husband and will possibly not find that kind of love again if all you are thinking of is kissing strange men.
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (19 August 2006):
 Well, what i would advise u to do is that u should talk to someone about how u feel. Seek a counsellor advise for help not just becos of your marriage problems but to help you identify why u have such feelings.Personally i think u are backing up the wrong tree if u really do love your husband and u are thinking of cheating. You are indeed lucky to have found that kind of relationship where the love is mutual. You should becareful not to spoil it with such unwarranted desires becos it might be something u might end up regretting especially if u end up loosing him to someone who would not treat u right and there are alot of such people out there and u are indeed lucky to have found one of the good ones so my advise is that u should try to hold on to him.
Goodluck dearie. Kelly
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2006): i can't say i've been though anything like this before, but i'm 22, and the thought of being married at my age seems so unthinkable, that i can't imagine being 20 and making that sort of commitment. when we're that age, we may think we've met the man/woman of our dreams, but we don't really know better. because we haven't gotten to really experience the world yet. i think 20's too young to know if someone is the one. and apparently you've found that out the hard way. so you need to make a decision now. stick to your guns and your commitment to marriage with this man, and completely make yourself turn off these feelings for this other man (and other men in general down the road), or get a divorce and explore more. but either way, i really think you need to slow down and not have a family so quick until you really know what you want. because that will just complicate things further. but most importantly, be true to yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2006): It is strange, I am in the exact same situation except I have been married for 10 years. I am trying extremely hard to just avoid the person and be strong. If not I will definately hook up with this guy. Good Luck, I wish I had an anaswer. Remember nothing good ever comes out of cheating and it sounds like you also have a lot to loose by acting on your feelings.
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