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female
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anonymous
writes:How do I deal with this. I am with a wonderful man who left an abusive marriage. His two (18 and 19 year old) daughters said they would never speak to him again unless he gave up his part of the marital home for them. He has done this by putting it in trust for them, partly because of what they said and also because the costs of a legal battle would use most of the equity up. They live in another country. He has told them that he will pay for them to come over and that if they would like to, he will help them finish university here. Having done all that he is getting hateful email and texts, one of the girls is threatening to say to his employers that he abused her, to starve herself and to kill me and my son. I have also received hate texts because one of them found a note of my number.When he got here he was 20 stone and almost unrecogniseable. His wife had not even kissed him for over a decade, but used to slap him and call him a fat ugly bastard. He tried everything to make the marriage better. Now he is getting well and slim but even his own parents and sister are turning against him. His wife looks like an angel and is described as sweet and kind, but nobody saw how bad it was because he kept it to himself. He has since tried to tell them but it goes over their heads. They don't want to know. She is promoting the stance of innocent bystander but I think she almost killed him with neglect and I can not see how nobody noticed what a wreck he was. I know I sound as though I am only seeing one side of the picture. I can hardly imagine how awful it must be to be left with two dysfuntional daughters and a mess. But I would be very interested to hear from any young people who have felt as they do to help me understand better. Any Mums who have felt bitter about a husband leaving even though they no longer wanted a romantic or sexual relationship? What can we do better?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2006): You cannot do anything except to cut off all contact before their dysfunction adversely affects your relationship with each other, dear. Your boyfriend is the ex-husband and father to some very offensive, boorish, mean people who like to lash out. He can't do anything about the ex wife's behaviours except to refuse further contact. Which I strongly, suggest.(change phone numbers and e-mail addresses) It is the only way to have a peaceful life. What he can do about his daughters though, is to stand firm like a parent should, and give them some ground rules on what type of behaviours he will and will not tolerate. He should tell his daughters that he loves them dearly, but he refuses their disrespect and bad mouthing behaviours. He should also tell them, all that he's willing to accept is good and appropriate behaviour becoming of young women with integrity. A few good words that come to my mind include 'respectful, kind, and considerate'. He should also set a clear boundry with his daughters. He needs to tell them 'they are always welcome to contact him, anytime, if they stay with the boundries of decent, moral behaviours. Otherwise, if they don't-contact will have to ease, immediately. It's a big chance but it may finally gain their respect. The ex-wife and daughters are deeply, deeply hurt or they are just 'broken' people. They hate your bf but it's like they are obssessive about it. It sounds like a case of severe 'parent alienation". But for the most part...you just have stop contact with the toxic people in his life. The daughters hopefully will mature, develop and grow to the point where they will better understand their toxic feelings over this and may take a more compassionate viewpoint towards their father. Hopefully, at that time, they may try to reconcile with their father. But until that day arrives, he may have to accept that his daughters do not want a relationship with him. I am sorry. Please stay strong and I wish you both well. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe were not having an affair until he came back. He has offered everything he owns to his wife. He had an excellent relationship with his daughters. The younger one who would like to make accusations was self-harming several years ago before there was any question about the relationship. He is a good person and tried everything to make the marriage work. Because I have known him for many years I know there is nothing to worry about with his character and he is doing everything he can to do the moral thing. I heard his wife on the phone today saying that she has asked his best friend out tonight and that she was not attracted to him during the marriage because he was a fat bastard. He was only fat for the last 2 years and yet she still did not kiss him for 15. You ask a lot of questions but I had already asked them. I have seen this type of thing happen, where exes use their kids to punish, all too often. Of course they miss him but his wife was not a bystander and he asked for counselling. Many times. She has called me an f---ing bitch and my son a bastard in texts. Now, even though he has offered to leave with nothing she is gunning for more. I have my own home, which will remain my own home and there is nothing I can gain from the situation. She stopped wanting him as soon as the kids were born. We have agreed to start from zero with me keeping my own assets. He is a sweetheart and his kids are caught in a battle of hatred orchestrated by his ex with whom they live. I fail to see how they can not be caught up in that pressure. One wants to be in touch but her mum is making it impossible. I wanted words of wisdom and lateral thoughts not questions about things that are obvious to me and already explored. His brother is till in touch. His sister has a situation where her partner is beating her 8 year old son. His parents want to emigrate the country he left and they are very angry that he may not be able to sponsor them any more. His brother is about to get a second divorce. They are all diverting their issues by using his. I need good counsel as I have no doubts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2006): were you having an affair? did he leave the marrage for you how did he get on with his daughters before all this loads of questions you need anwsers to and can you be sure you are not hearing a one sided story? i inagine he was married for a long time to have 2 kids this age maybe he asked his wife to sell this house and this would leave her with nothing as he left and has moved in with you and they might think that you are going to benefit from this? i my opion it has got to be something for his 2 kids to turn on him like this and also the rest of his family be aware of this and find out as much as you can about him but not from him from neutral folk and you might find your anwser.
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reader, camille +, writes (28 June 2006):
 How tragic! Please tell this man to seek legal advice. He must not be held to ransom and blackmail. I'm pretty sure he does not have any financial responsibilty by giving up his share of the home and putting money into a trust fund, as they are adult age. Keep a record of EVERYTHING. A diary of every phone call, text, letter, keep copies of all emails too, I'm sure they can be used as evdience these days. I'm sorry I do not have any advice or experience to offer. Best of luck. Be strong and don't give in.
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