A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel so confused at the moment and i really do not want to make a mistake, but i just dont have the answers myself nor do i know what the best thing is to do. I will try and make it as brief as possible as there could be lots i could say. Basically i am 33 years of age, i have been with my partner now for 3 years, after a year of being with him he told me something which i have really only just began to understand what it really means. From a young age he has always felt the need to want to wear female clothing. Basically its a need he feels not just a want or something he can stop doing, well he could stop but would not be a happy person. The situation with him is a bit more serious i would say than a transvestite, a man who likes to dress from time to time for a bit of fun. My partner feels that he is male and female, and at times he feels he is female therefore needs to dress and act as one and be as convicing as possible. he doesnt have a problem with his genitailier, therefore him wanting to have a sex change is highly unlikely. We have been trying to work though it. In he understands i want to be with a man, so we have agreed only every now and again he can dress, maybe once a month he will dress. However he does feel he would like to dress a lot more than that, but he says he understands that he will have to control it. I must admit, i dont like seeing him like it, he looks like a man dressed as a women so to me looks daft. Besides is a man i want to be with. Also he doesnt want me to laugh either. He likes to think and does think he looks good, so i keep my mouth shut on that. I am so annoyed because i really want to be able to settle down, and would love to have a couple of children, but i just dont know if i will be making a big mistake here. Can you have a happy future with someone that is this way? The other thing now is i am forced to make a decision asap. I do live with him most of the time but still with my parents The house he has been living at is a friend of his and she has to sell the house to him now. He cant afford to do it on his own and doesnt earn enough to borrow the amount. So if i do not go in on with it with him, he would have to find some where else. I cant see me doing worse of by doing this, but, i still just dont know. I would love my own place, as i stand on my own, i would not have enough deposit to get my own place anyhow. Also he would be putting down 13,000 more than me, i will only be putting down 5 k So i dont really have anything to loose in that sense, if worse came to worse we would sell and i get my 5 back and what ever profit, as houses will go up. In fact the mortgage advisor is coming round tonight, i just dont want to make a big mistake. I keep thinking, not everyone is perfect. He is a good person, i know he would never cheat on me, etc, if i met someone else, there are risks there as well isnt there, i keep thinking this. Can someone share there views and ideas on this?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 February 2012):
 Sorry for the delay, I know your very pressed for time because of the mortgage problem. But the thing is, you do need time, your situation is difficult and unusual and you are being forced to make decisions that lock you into this relationship forever. Not good at all.No he's not cheating, you haven't mentioned anything like that, and he doesn't seem the type, also there are very few female partners he could turn to that would accept his need to dress as a woman. I also don't think he's gay.I always get tangled up with terms, by sexuality I mean his gender and whether he wants to be a woman with a woman or a man dressing up. Certain things you said triggered ideas that eventually he would want surgery or at least hormone therapy replacement. But now after all you said, nope, he is a transvestite, a committed one, who needs (not wants) to dress like a woman for part of the time. Again you have been fair and considerate to allow him this. But from what he says it's not enough, so yes, he might eventually want to bring his female side into the bedroom, and yes, once a month might not be enough for him in the future.Your response to him, as I have said is kind, understanding and considerate. The wanting to laugh is normal, it's strange and uncomfortable to you, you wanted to date a man with male habits not a woman in a dress. Again this can be overcome with time.Again, the big important thing is how much love you have. It's not easy living with a transvestite and I fear that either you or him will become resentful. Yes, you both can have children, and he will probably be a great father and a faithful husband. But he will still need the space to dress like a woman, even after the children come.Already he is getting resentful, he watches you dress and he wants to do the same. But he's not allowed, he has to wait until the proper place that has been set aside. He might not be able to cope with this forever, but unlike you, his choices are limited, there are not many understanding women like you.And you... yes, you too are getting resentful. Why can't he be normal, why does he have to be different and embarrass me. How can I explain him to my family... you have more choices, you do not have to stay, you can easily find a man who doesn't behave in this way. Your upset about the way he sometimes moves and talks, in time this resentment will get stronger and it will turn to hate. These little things he cannot control, and if he tries to he will be lying to himself and he will be walking on eggshells all the time. This is not fair to either of you.He says he's considered surgery and it's not for him. This frightened me at first, but it's probably normal. When he first discovered his inner woman he would have had all types of thoughts. He wouldn't be considering a relationship, living together and children if he wanted gender reassignment. But there are no guarantees in life, who knows what the future may bring. From what you say, it's just a compulsion to dress like a woman.The hurry to get a mortgage.. that is also problematic. I know the problem with housing currently in the UK, you don't have much time to make a decision. But mortgages last for 25years, and if it's the wrong decision you are still tied to him.Maybe as a test for you and him, get him to stay in women's clothing for say a month.. at home and in private. See how much you could stand if this is what would happen to you and him in the end. Could you accept this guy if he eventually needed to be like this all the time. Then go back to your once a month arrangement.Your in the UK, so there is space for him to give freedom to his inner woman in a subtle way. I'm thinking of comedians like Julian Clary (homosexual) and Eddie Izzard (heterosexual) that wear both male and female clothing, and wear very subtle makeup that is suitable for men. Something like a nail vanish on his little finger, and maybe women's underwear for in the day. Again, just to make him feel more comfortable and to make him feel that he's not denying himself. You can easily explain it by saying he's eccentric... lol.. very common part of British history.Again, these suggestions depend on you, and how much you can stand, how much you love the man, and what your willing to go through to keep him.I can't tell you to go or stay, I can't tell you to sign the mortgage or not. I can only again plead with you to take time to make this decision. At the moment you sound hurried and in a panic, not a good position to be in when your trying to decide something which will lock you in forever or at least for the next 25years...As they say, marry in haste, repent at leisure... we've got women on DC who are trapped with ex-boyfriends they can't leave because they can't find a way out of the mortgage. Better to let the house go now because your not sure, than trying to fight your way out of it later. Mortgages are nice, but they aint everything, all you need is a roof over your head to be safe and that might mean continue renting.Sigh... your call, try some of the suggestions, look at him closely (when in female role) and decide will I really stay forever with this man. (sorry my answer is long)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): This is the problem, The house he is living at, his friend has to sell now, he cant bowrrow what he needs on his own, so if i do not go ahead with him, he will loose the house. He is getting the house a better value with it being his friend. You mentioned your concern regarding his sexuality? What makes you ask this? He has assured me that he has no interest in men what so ever and it is women only. I do believe this actually. I have managed to stall the mortgage advisor, as i havent forwarded to him yet my bank statements. But he i dont do this with him, he will loose the house and have to move some where else. I will then feel terrible for that
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 February 2012):
The more you say, the more confused I am about his sexuality and his idea of gender....
Just don't sign nothing yet. There is no hurry, don't rush anything. You need time to make the right decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): He has also recently told me as well that when we are in bed together he more than not in his mind thinks, or fantasises i dont know what you could call it, that we are lesbians and 2 women together. I have asked, well what does he think when he knows he has a penis, he said that doesn treally come into his thougts he knows what he has and thats that. He would always like to wear something in the bedroom. On the odd times i have said yes, but i dont like it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): I think that all of my family and some of my firends, do not think i should stay with him, and they do always pass comments about him, like my mum will say, i dont know how you can sleep with him. But if thats what you like and as long as your happy. Then this weekend just gone, one of my other friends had said to my best friend on my birthday night out, talking about him, saying, theres something thats not right with him you know and i cant put my finger on it. Then next comment, i think he is gay. Then i have my bother and his wife that comment about his femanine behaviour and keep saying i can do much better and dont understand why i am with him and what about children. I do try so hard to not listen to what they are all sayin, but at the same time when you keep hearing all this negativity you start to see the things that they are saying too. Also i think in my own mind i have now read so many stories of men that end up transitioning, so i have this too in the back of my mind. Yeah i have spoken to him about this, he said he did go though a stage in his life once where he wonderered if he should take that step, but he said he doesnt feel it would be right way for him, as its not a constant feeling of wrongness, just sometimes. But then i have also read stories where people have said this, but then it progresses as time goes on. So i have all these thoughts going through my mind. Some days he acts fine and as a man does, then you will get other odd days, where he will alter his hand movements, and also try and talk differently as well, this makes him look as though he is putting on an act and doesnt look right, when he acts like this, i think, why is he behaving this way, it makes him look silly. But hes not this way all of the time. Its simple for me really, this is what i have said to him, I can handle him dressing on occasions, when i am there and have a bit of fun with it, ill help him dress. Then if i am out sometimes, he can then so that its not in my face all of the time. I have said to him its a man i want to be with, so if you cannot provide me with this and live and be happy to what i aceppt then you need to be honest. He says, as long as i dont make him feel bad about it when he does dress, then he thinks he could be happy with this. But then i question in my mind, what happens on the other days he wakes in the mornings and is feeling this way, is he going to resent me for the female i am, is he going to think, if i want to do this then i will, then before i know it, im in bed with a man thats wearing night dresses to bed every night, Or do i think, i dont have this to worry about as it will never come to this, it will stay at an every now and again thing and treat it as fun, or is it just a progressive thing that will get worse and worse??
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A
female
reader, Orbiter +, writes (7 February 2012):
Ok well in that case, first you need to ask yourself why this has bothered you so much for two years. Is it because you're worried about the opinions of other people? Is it because he's more feminine in general than most men? Are you still angry/shocked? Are you struggling to understand why he feels the need to do this?The current belief is that a person's gender identity is determined from birth and this can range from very masculine to very feminine and everything in-between which is where your partner is on the spectrum. So mentally he is both female and male. He can't help or change this, it's just who he is. Not everyone fits neatly into one category or another. You don't really need to understand this (just as you'll probably never know what it's like to be a gay man), you just have to accept it.In this situation, try to distance yourself from the opinions of friends/family. The most important thing is to do is decide what makes you happy and not give up on a relationship you enjoy just to appease your friends. In response to your follow up, different doesn't always have to be a negative statement.I will also mention that society tends to place a negative view of men who act/dress feminine. How would feel if a man you were dating always wanted you to wear a dress because he wanted you to be a woman and not to remind him of anything masculine. It's just something to be aware of. Does this doubt come from you or a social desire to fit in?If you are able to do the above but you still don't feel comfortable and are struggling to accept it, then I would recommend leaving or at least postponing the move, as the longer it takes, the less likely it is you will ever be comfortable with it.An important question you have to ask yourself is: do you understand this but in your heart of hearts, not want to accept it?If it's because he's more feminine then again I'd suggest leaving because he won't change and you can't change what you're attracted to.You should also consider is he going to be happy to be able to dress up only once a month? He's openly admitted he would like to do it more often. Is that going to cause tension eventually in your relationship? You need to have a serious talk to determine this and also ask if he has ever considered a gender change (although personally I think this doubtful). I'm going to be honest here and say yes I think you're setting yourself up for a fall, and (like the other poster) I think you're settling for him. You're afraid time is running out for you to have the house and family, so are staying with him in part for that. Your comment about the fact you may 'meet' someone else is the worrying part. It's like you're (maybe subconsciously) planning to leave him. People in good, happy relationships don't even consider this. Imagine having children and going through a messy, unhappy divorce. Or meeting the love of your life but being unable to do anything about it because you're still in your current relationship.Don't buy a house yet, you have too many doubts and you're only tying yourself to him further. Money isn't worth anything compared to emotional happiness. You may be thinking it will be an amicable split and you'll still be friends but in a lot of cases, that doesn't happen.Take into account everything - do you really love him, are you attracted to him, are you able to cope with the slightly different lifestyle and what that will bring with it? Decide on whether your relationship has a future before you get a house.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2012): oh god yeah of course i love him, this is why i have stuck by him with it all. i was very angry and hurt by the fact i had been with him for over a year before he told me such an important thing. i have gotten over that now and tryin to work through it. god no if i didn't love him he have been gone long ago. it has been so hard for me to try and understand. he says iam the only one that has ever tried, listened and been there for him .but i am worried to death that i am settin myself up for a fall
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 February 2012):
Yep, thanks to the aunts, I double checked... you like to talk a lot about money, but no word of love anywhere.
I don't think the relationship will be successful, because it lacks love.
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A
female
reader, Orbiter +, writes (6 February 2012):
Basically from reading this I didn't get the impression at all that you really cared for him. You mention wanting to get independence, a house for yourself, maybe make some profit, have children and find a 'perfect' man. It seems you have a very mercenary attitude to this and not an overly emotional one.
If anywhere in your post you had gone into more detail and explained how torn you were between how much you love him but you're finding it hard to deal with his cross dressing issues, I might have suggested ways for you to learn, accept and understand it.
However as you didn't, it gives me the impression that your feelings for him aren't that strong. It sounds like you're thinking of going ahead with this because you have nothing to lose, not because you genuinely see a future with him.
When you implied at the end of your post that if someone better came along, you would be very tempted to cheat, makes me think you're not very in love here at all. Just think about it, does it make any sense to get yourself in any deeper when you're already admitting you may well cheat because you're unhappy in your current relationship?
Bottom line is you're not happy with this man because of his behaviour (which is fair enough, if that's how feel, everyone has their own preferences about who they're attracted to) and I don't think the strength of feeling is there for that to change. Remember that he can't help this, it's part of who he is and from the sounds of it you might end up hurting an innocent person to further your own life. So do the right thing and end things now. Also remember that he won't change and things that bother you at the beginning only get amplified over time.
Also no one is perfect. So that's not a good reason to stay with him. It's not that he's got an 'imperfection', it's simply that you two are not really compatible personality wise.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 February 2012):
I'm ignoring the money stuff... money doesn't really have no place in love. You need to concentrate on the romantic situation, once you've made a decision about then you can sort out money and housing.
At first I was going to say, no problem, men likes women's clothes, what the hell as long as he's happy. I was gonna tell you to help and join in, maybe asking him to explore some fantasies that you keep hidden.
But as you say, that's a transvestite or someone who has a fetish for women's clothing. Many of them are the nicest men you can ever meet and make great husbands.
Your not talking about that, your talking about someone who is transgendered. Possible biological a woman according to the DNA, someone who hates to be male and really wants to be a woman.
That is much harder, because you have to love them beyond their gender. Their is a possibility in the future they may remove the penis and testicles, or take hormone treatment to become more like a woman. In this case you'd be living with another woman.
I seen on TV this working. Young girl met a man, who was transexual, she stood by him until he had his surgery and became a woman. (really tough on the emotions especially for him) When they asked her why she stayed, she said, I love him, I love her, no matter what sex or gender he prefers. Beautiful, but I don't know if many woman could do it.
I think that most transgendered people who are in relationships probably are undergoing treatment, or meet their partners after, so they know exactly what they are getting.
I really can't help too much on this one. I only suggest you search on the internet for advice and support for transgendered couples. They are the experts and can explain much more to you and can help you to make the decision if this relationship is worth keeping.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2012): A man who likes to dress like a woman is NOT gay or transgendered in most cases… IF you cannot deal with it and be supportive of him, I suggest you consider ending the relationship.
IF he is willing to do so in the privacy of your home on a semi-regular basis and you can cope and support him then that would work.
Cross dressing does not mean a man is gay or bisexual or want to be a woman…
IF you stay with him and marry you will have to discuss how your children will be exposed to this if at all.
If you are not comfortable with and able to support this desire, need and behavior I think you should end the relationship…
If he feels he is female that’s a bit different. My partner was cross dressing when we started dating his response was “the skirts are comfy and I had no one so I had to be the man and the woman”…. He has since stopped dressing except for once in a while… and he would never consider dressing in public… it was his private time that he shared with me….
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2012): He has said he cant expactly describe it as feeling trapped in the wrong body. He has said sometimes he feels he is and needs to be female for a period of time, but not constant. He says it flutuates. He has never hated the sign of his genitials so him wanting to tranition in future is not very likely. But yeah i guess the risk is, will he evetually want more. I mean we always want things we cant have, but i dont think you could quite compate it as the same, because this is who they feel they are. He asked me, how would you feel, if you were told you could never wear a dress again. I just said, i have been bought up to know what i should and shouldnt wear, he says, and he feels why cant he as there is nothing wrong with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2012): He also says he wants kids. He says he understands that i need to be with a man, so will be that man most of the time but sometimes needs to express his femanine side. He says its a women he wants to be with and he understands why some women could not like it, therefore he says he doesnt want a life on his own and its me he wants to be with so he will have to stick to boundaries on what we agree on. His last marrage of ten years failed because of this. He admits sometimes he feels jelous of things i do and wear as he feels why cant he do that too. My family have all said they think i am making a big mistake staying with him. Then i am thinking, well if i end it thinking the grass is greener on the otherside and could meet a normal man who is happy as a man, what probs could he have, then i think im letting a decent person go, and i could might even never meet anyone else, which then means no family for me. I am 33 now, so if i wants kids, i need to be making a start soon, would you agree? I just dont know what i should do for the best. Not everyone i know like him some people dont as he does come accorss different. This mortgage advisor is coming round tonight for us to sign up for mortgage! I have voiced my connerns to him about the house extra, he says he would always hope we would be friends if worse came to the worse and we parted ways. He says the house will be an invtestment anyhow. So then i think, well i cant do it on my own anyhow as not enough deposit, he is the one that should be worried if any of us i guess as he has most of the money to put down, only 5 from me, so , do i need to be concerned about goin on mortgage even if all does fail. Could be a good thing as at lease i am on the property ladder then as well arent i? What do you think?
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A
male
reader, Ayan Ganguly  +, writes (6 February 2012):
 your male partner wants to dress like a woman to have a feel of a woman is ok as long as you can tolerate it.If you do not have a problem with it,its not a problem.See leading a happy conjugal life is more than sharing a home, and there are many facets to it, and after a certain span of time it is not only the husbnd & wife but a new life who needs to be taken care off not rush take your time and think a 100 times before your take your decision...DON'T RUSH,THINK A 100 TIMES,BE SURE OF YOUR DECISION THEN TAKE THE PLUNGE....YOU WILL SAIL THROUGH..ALL THE BEST
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 February 2012):
 I have absolutely no experience with this, so all I can offer are my thoughts.
I think once he starts x-dressing there will no no stopping, it will becomes something he wants to do more then once a month. Feeling that you are born in the wrong body must be horrible.
Also, do you think he is considering a "real" sex change? Putting on a dress doesn't make him female, would it keep him content to toss a dress on once a month in the long run? If so, where would you stand then?
Can you handle going out to a pub/bar/club with him in "drag"? And be supportive?
Not to sound offensive or ignorant but a man doesn't dress like a woman . And you will be dating a man who believes he should be a woman.
My best advice is try and find a x-dresser forum and talk to people who actually live this way. How they make it work. If the guy is otherwise someone you want to be with, it might be worth the extra work.
My only gripe is, you don't talk about how you love him, just that he is a good man and won't cheat. And that you don't like the idea of him "pretending " to be female once a month, one bit. Sounds like you are settling.
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