A
female
age
41-50,
*hillystar419
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for over 6 years. We've been living together for about 5 years. This year we've been talking about marriage and getting engaged. He promised me that 2008 would be the best year ever. But this weekend he decided that we should live sepearately, and that he needs his "space." I'm devastated! I don't understand what's going on in his head... what does this mean? He's also said he's not 100% sure if he could marry me... Help! I don't know what to do or think?????
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female
reader, kayland +, writes (3 September 2009):
Wow! I feel like were having the same problem! My boyfriend and I who have been dating for 7 years in April of 2010 and living with for the past just told me that " his feelings have changed". He just told me this 2 days ago but he said hes been feeling like this for the last 4 or 5 months. He told me that he feels like he just has no feelings anymore! He said he doesnt even know if he loves me anymore! One thing he said that I found interesting was he said he felt like I was holding him back and controlling him. Ive never once acted controlling i te least bit and am always encouraging him to go do stuff with the guys! Of course Ive been crushed and Im heartbroken but I have given him what he wants, and that is to move out until he figures things out. So today we packed his stuff and he moved back in with his mother. Now that Ive had time to think about whats going on and with all added up Ive came to the conclusion that being in his early 20's hes going thru this phase where he thinks he missing out on life becaus we've been together for so long and we dont really go out and do too much. He also said that he feels like I dont always appreciate him and to this I have no defense because its TRUE. All though I am grateful for him and everything he does I dont always tell him or even seem like I care that hes doing things for me and for that Im sorry because now Im the one paying for my mistakes. I feel that if the problem would have just been me it would have been able to be fixed but add on the problem of feeling like ur missing out on life and its a whole new situation. I honestly dont think it has anything to do with someone else but at the same time I dont think its right that he expects you to sit around and wait for him to relize theres nothing better out there and have you at home waiting as a back up plan. The end decision is yours but overall I think asking him to leave or maybe you temporarily moving out would be the best choice. you want him to see how life is without u and appreciate you and the relationship you have but if you stay there just as friends he gonna get the best of both worlds and never realize what hes missing out on.
A
female
reader, princesssockhead +, writes (15 June 2008):
I wouldn't listen to the people who keep saying he's seeing someone else. The last thing you want to be doing is encouraging distrust in your relationship; that is no way to prepare for marriage. I completely understand your pain though as my fiance recently said some similar things to me.
We've been together for about 6 years and living together about 5 1/2 years. We have had instances where we've lived separately over that time too though. Part of our reason for living together has been because of the economical conveinence. We have a lot of issues because he hasn't worked for a good part of our relationship and that is a.) scaring him to death to think he may not be functional in that way and b.) scares me to death because I don't want to be the sole supporter of him my whole life. So you can see where we actually have a very apparent problem to solve.
He feels like living separately so that it will force him into taking care of himself in a functional adult, economically-driven sense. He also feels that having the "space" from me and a greater sense of pride because he can do it on his own will help him. The only thing I can really do at this point is support him with this decision and hope he actually goes through with it. I do think this will help him realize his full potential as a man, husband, and future father.
We are currently engaged and plan to remain that way although we both can see the sense in having a long engagement until we are fully prepared to be married. It scares me a bit to be "far" from him in that way but at the same time - I find it absolutely necessary to work our individual problems out as well as those in the relationship before we make a lifetime commitment to each other. Neither of us wants a divorce especially if there are children in the picture.
It's really difficult to process this and be relaxed about it. It makes me question his love for me more often, and I'm kind of scared to live independently (it will be my first time to ever live alone). But I guess it's easier if something does go wrong during this period of self-examination and general awareness of our relationship with each other than if we had a contract in place and babies to take to care of.
Just remember to trust...yourself and your man. It is essential to love.
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A
female
reader, princesssockhead +, writes (15 June 2008):
I wouldn't listen to the people who keep saying he's seeing someone else. The last thing you want to be doing is encouraging distrust in your relationship; that is no way to prepare for marriage. I completely understand your pain though as my fiance recently said some similar things to me.
We've been together for about 6 years and living together about 5 1/2 years. We have had instances where we've lived separately over that time too though. Part of our reason for living together has been because of the economical conveinence. We have a lot of issues because he hasn't worked for a good part of our relationship and that is a.) scaring him to death to think he may not be functional in that way and b.) scares me to death because I don't want to be the sole supporter of him my whole life. So you can see where we actually have a very apparent problem to solve.
He feels like living separately so that it will force him into taking care of himself in a functional adult, economically-driven sense. He also feels that having the "space" from me and a greater sense of pride because he can do it on his own will help him. The only thing I can really do at this point is support him with this decision and hope he actually goes through with it. I do think this will help him realize his full potential as a man, husband, and future father.
We are currently engaged and plan to remain that way although we both can see the sense in having a long engagement until we are fully prepared to be married. It scares me a bit to be "far" from him in that way but at the same time - I find it absolutely necessary to work our individual problems out as well as those in the relationship before we make a lifetime commitment to each other. Neither of us wants a divorce especially if there are children in the picture.
It's really difficult to process this and be relaxed about it. It makes me question his love for me more often, and I'm kind of scared to live independently (it will be my first time to ever live alone). But I guess it's easier if something does go wrong during this period of self-examination and general awareness of our relationship with each other than if we had a contract in place and babies to take to care of.
Just remember to trust...yourself and your man. It is essential to love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): Crazy thing is my boyfriend pulled this on me last night. We have a steady, strong relationship. With the exception of things like, I need to work on being a better listener, and he needs to work on being a better talker.
He is having a late 20's life crisis. He is quitting his job to go work in a bar with his brother, wants to sell his car, and go live in the town where his brother and parents live (1 hour away. 2 months ago we were talking about moving cross country to a place his family used to live, and now this. His brother is encouraging him, as he is a single 30 year old who sleeps around with 19 year olds, and hates that his "bro" is in a serious relationship. My world has been turned upside down in less than 12 hours. I feel for you, and understand your distress.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): The same thing just happened to me tonight. I have been with my fiance for almost 5 years. We dated 2 years in college and then decided to move to a new city together and live together. We got engaged a year ago and have planned a 2 year engagement (we are halfway to the wedding date). He said that since we were together through most of college, he wants one more year to "be with the guys".... meaning come home late and pass out on the couch, not check in, etc. He admitted the wedding talk is "scaring him out of his mind." He said he wants to stay engaged, not see anyone else, and keep our wedding date the same (one year from now). I can't help but wonder that if he isn't ready now, what will change in a year that will make him ready? I know he loves me and I know he is not cheating (yes, i am absolutely sure). His parents marriage is crumbling (his dad just revealed to the family that he has been cheating for the past 6 years) so i think this may have affected his view of marriage. He says that if he doesn't get this "break" he can see the same thing happening to us. He says he's just trying to be honest and proactive in protecting our marriage in the future. I need advice. My world is spinning.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): The same thing just happened to me tonight. I have been with my fiance for almost 5 years. We dated 2 years in college and then decided to move to a new city together and live together. We got engaged a year ago and have planned a 2 year engagement (we are halfway to the wedding date). He said that since we were together through most of college, he wants one more year to "be with the guys".... meaning come home late and pass out on the couch, not check in, etc. He admitted the wedding talk is "scaring him out of his mind." He said he wants to stay engaged, not see anyone else, and keep our wedding date the same (one year from now). I can't help but wonder that if he isn't ready now, what will change in a year that will make him ready? I know he loves me and I know he is not cheating (yes, i am absolutely sure). His parents marriage is crumbling (his dad just revealed to the family that he has been cheating for the past 6 years) so i think this may have affected his view of marriage. He says that if he doesn't get this "break" he can see the same thing happening to us. He says he's just trying to be honest nad proactive in protcting our marriage in the future. I need advice. My world is spinning.
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A
female
reader, phillystar419 +, writes (28 February 2008):
phillystar419 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe still wants us to stay together...just live seperately...we were 19 and 20 when we began living together..he went from living with his mom to living with me...I lived in a dorm for 2 years before living with him...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): I just got out of a relationship that lasted 5 years, on and off. It has now been 7 months since the break-up,but we were both were in our early twenties when we met and now were both about to graduate from college.We both still love each other, but I think this time apart has been a great time, because we are figuring out who we are and were testing out the waters, to see if maybe there is something else out there for us. I believe that if were meant to be, it will be, but for right now we have the opportunity, to see.In the beginning I was very sad and upset, but now I realize that there is no reason for me to feel this way, because I know that if this is it, he and I will know. So, maybe you can look at your relationship as a time to grow, to see where you both really stand.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (28 February 2008):
 Hi,
I dont think anybody really thinks he is definitely seeing someone else. It's just that the behaviour is often indicative of this.
Now you mention it , it sounds like he has serious commitment issues.
You might just want to focus on living you life without him, he's done this before and most likely will do it again. The problem with these types of guys ( and we see these questions over and over again ) is that they eventually come crawling back begging forgiveness and then repeat the same thing over again at a latter date. I guess for you it's a case if you want to live the rest of your life like this.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (28 February 2008):
 Most breakups are usually about money or love .When love is gone and there is no more left,there is nothing to keep somebody there. You only get a feeling of emptiness.
You can either move on or live in the past. You need to set his spirit free and allow it to roam. You cannot chain another's spirit.
If he wants to leave, nothing will stop him. Let him go and bless him.
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A
female
reader, phillystar419 +, writes (28 February 2008):
phillystar419 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know this may sound naive..but..I don't know when he would have time to see someone else. I did think about it, but I checked our phone bill on-line and I didn't see any suspicious numbers. He hasn't come home late or gone out without me. Also, I did fail to mention that this is not the first time he's tried to move out. Right after I graduated from college he pulled this BS and I made a decision to move to Miami...but some how he came crawling back..and gave me a promise ring...then about a year ago I was going to move in with one of my friends without him...but he decided he didn't want to do that..and all 3 of us moved in together...which brings us to today
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (28 February 2008):
Hi,
This could be many things. For a start you guys have been together for 6 years, so chances are you got together when you were still teenagers. You will be different people by now, and he may very well be examining his life and thinking whether you two are suited for a lifelong commitment.
I know it must be a shock, but the marriage talk may have put him off. It's a big jump and you are still young, so he could have got cold feet.
But he owes you an explanation better than "I need space". After six years surely he can go into it better than that.
I would move out for a week or so and stay with family or a friend. Don't call him, give him his space and hopefully it will jolt him into being upfront with you.
If he doesn't contact you after this time you are within your rights to ask him if he is seeing someone else or what exactly does he want in his future. You shouldn't wait around for him.
Sorry to see you going through this, all the best.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (28 February 2008):
 There is some event in his life that is causing him to do an about face with this relationship. The fact that you have been together for such a long time and that he hasn't been flaky about the relationship up until this point does seem to point to the fact that someone most likely has come into his life that is causing him to have doubts about his future with you.
The fact is that he wants to move out, have his space and he is letting you down gently about the engagement. If this is all the honesty he can give you after the time and effort you have spent with your relationship then I think you should tell him you need a break and you take the lead on this eventual breakup.
I'm sorry and I do hope I (and the anonymous poster) are wrong but I don't think we are.
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A
female
reader, phillystar419 +, writes (28 February 2008):
phillystar419 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't want to sound naive..but I highly doubt he's seeing someone else. He never comes home late. There's no suspicious phone numbers on our cell phone bill. I would be shocked if this was the case.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): He's seeing someone else.
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