A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem. I feel my inlaws take advantage of my husband and it irritates me so much. For example.he pays fees for his sister who is in university. She disrespects him. If he asks to see receipts for the payments , she will scream and says its because you dont want to pay my fees. Th mother also joins in. When its opening times she does not even ask for the fees, she practically demands it. My husband has no option but to pay and he does not say anything because the mother will also scream and say you dont want to pay fees for your sister. They sit down as a family, th mother, my husbands elder brother, another sister who is unmarried ,and this university sister and a younger brother, to discuss my husband and judge that he has not done much for the family etc. It makes me so sad. It makes me bitter with them so much but there is nothing I can do apart from venting to my husband.help What can I do to feel better and not stress over these demanding in laws
View related questions:
university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2013): Dorothy Dix. What you have to understand is that it is South African culture for the sons the help pay siblings university fees and help to pay for their parents upkeep as they get older. My boyfriend also pays for his sisters uni fees and I think it's nice because it shows great family suppport.
Now a days people are too selfish and don't want to help others.
However, in the case of this sister being aggressive and angry about wanting proof of payment, I think that it's a good idea to pay the uni directly to ensure that some of the money isn't being used for things other than study. Maybe he could talk to his sister or mother and say he does want to pay for the fees but he just wants to know that the money is definitely being recieved by the uni- any normal person would want a receipt if they bought some clothes from a shop so why not something a lot more expensive like uni fees?
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 July 2013):
 I like honeypie's suggestion a lot
if your husband WANTS to pay his sisters fees and your family can afford to do so, then by all means let him pay them but tell his sister to use your address so the bills come directly to him and let him pay the school directly with no middle man
if they don't like that option it's probably because they are using the money for something else.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (5 July 2013):
Hi there. It is definitely NOT your husband's responsibility to pay for his sister's university fees.
If she wants to go to university, it is HER responsibility to pay for it herself.
Or, of course, the other option is to get a student loan - which is what a lot of uni students do.
And then what happens, is once the student graduates from university and gets their first job, well then a percentage of her pay each week, comes out automatically to repay that loan - until paid out in full.
You husband should not feel he is OBLIGED to pay for his sister's uni fees.
It is totally unreasonable for her to even expect that he do this.
And not to mention extremely demanding.
She apparently, has an unbridled sense of entitlement, and it definitely seems that her parents (which are also HIS parents), just CANNOT or WILL NOT see this as being the truth.
What kind of relationship does your husband have with his family?
Does he get along well with each of them?
And do you get along well with each of them?
Are they genuinely happy, that he married you?
The reason I ask these questions, is that I seem to sense some kind of animosity towards him being married.
Not so much, being married to you personally.
But perhaps more, that his priorities are now naturally changed, and that you are now his TOP priority.
NOT them.
And so, they may even feel some level of jealousy towards you, because you are his No. 1 priority now.
He is committed to YOU now.
And so, his No. 1 priority is YOU.
And this includes all financial commitments - such as a mortgage or rent, personal loans, bills payment, money for petrol and the maintenance of your vehicles.
And it DOES NOT extend to his family.
By rights really, if he CHOSE to pay for his sister's university fees and other expenses, well then that should be on the agreement that she repay that money, as soon as she begins work.
And it is just too bad, if his sister and his family don't agree with that.
Even if it means that he has to cut ALL ties with them.
And if it comes to that, well then - so be it.
It might be for the best.
And I realize, that this is something he would not want to have to do - to leave his family behind.
Although, it might come to a point, where he feels he has NO choice in the matter.
And no doubt, it WON'T be an easy decision to make.
However, it might become a NECESSARY decision for him to make, nevertheless.
And you might not be aware of it as yet, but he might already be thinking along these lines, himself.
He is under NO legal binding, to support his sister or anyone of his family in ANY WAY whatsoever.
They could be trying to make him feel guilty, if he stood up for himself in refusing, or mentioning he is thinking about refusing to go on paying these uni fees.
But the reality though, is that they can do NOTHING to legally make him support and pay for his sister's university studies.
And, he can only feel guilty, if he chooses to feel that way.
I guess, it really depends on how much he will STAND HIS GROUND in this situation.
And it is already affecting you now, and I am sure he must be able to see how much it upsets you.
And so if he does nothing, and just keeps on paying her uni fees each new semester, well then he might also have a very unhappy and troubled marriage to deal with also.
And surely, he doesn't want that - on top of all the other stuff of feeling obliged to pay his sister's uni fees.
There may well come a time, where he might have to decide which is more important.
And unfortunately, this is not something you can issue him with an ultimatum on, either.
It is a decision ONLY he can make, and no-one else.
I sincerely hope, that he does make the right choice, when it comes to the crunch.
Even if he just goes on paying each new semester's uni fees for his sister, there will undoubtedly come a time, where he will just dig his heels in, and a HUGE argument will break out.
And then, he will say something like - "I'm absolutely fed up with this nonsense. I am NOT going to pay for one more single semester. And it is too DAMN bad, if you don't like it. Because, I really don't care."
Or something to that affect, no doubt.
He will just get really angry about it one day - that's if he isn't already - and then all hell will break loose!
And he might just walk out and never go back, even to visit.
He might just wash his hands of them altogether.
And it depends on how he seems after he has been there to organise the payment of a new semester, and then comes home to you.
Have you noticed what kind of mood he is in then?
Is he angry, or really quiet, when he gets home?
Or, does he pick on you for no reason at all - right after seeing his family?
Like he is really agited?
These are all clues that it is not sitting well with him.
Perhaps you could ask him about how it makes him feel, the very next time he comes back home, from giving them the money to pay his sister's uni fees.
And get him to open up to you - but DO NOT judge him, when he have this chat.
He needs your support on this, and so you don't want to put him offside, to the point where he feels he has to justify his actions.
And so you DO NOT want that.
And just get him to open up to you, and to be really honest about his feelings on this matter.
It could really help him a lot.
And it might also help him to make some kind of decision, in the very near future.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 July 2013):
 He could contact the university and pay them directly and thus leave your sister out of the whole money deal.
Some times family just plain suck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2013): I can understand why you would be upset watching your husband get treated this way :(
Unless paying the university fees for his sister is a stress on your shared finances and keeps the two of you from being able to do what you need to do I think you need to leave this between him and his family. Coming between him and his family to fight this fight for him will only cause problems, and venting to him about it probably won't help either. Make it clear to him that you don't like to watch his family treat him that way and you will support whatever route he plans to take with them because they are his family.
...............................
|
