A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidI am an extreme introvert person, always enjoyed being along than in groups. I do not have any problem talking to people one-one but have issues in groups, so mostly I listen while in groups and may be ask one/two open ended questions, that's all the part I do. It was not an issue up until I met my husband. He has some set of childhood friends, those guys are great but I believe their wife never warmed up to me. So one of the guy had bday celebration, and they took a vacation with some of other friends and did not invite my husband, guess they thought we are a package deal, and did not want me to come with them. Before also they planned a vacation with us, my husband was really looking forward to it, and then cancelled it saying some reason and on the same date they went for the same kind of vacation with his family and posted in Facebook, i saw it and told my husband. my husband is not in FBMy husband is really pissed off now, not sure if its with me or his friend. Either way I feel bad that he was not invited to his best friends bday party. Though they called him when they had flood in the house to clean up not his vacation friends and he stayed there 2 days to help themNote - My husband is extremely fun person to be around, he warms up to people, and very funny and nice. Almost everyone who met him likes him.I do not think I can change myself to an extrovert neither do I want to figure out a way to impress my husband best friends wife. So I basically don't know how to resolve this, any advice would help. Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry if I miscommunicated, my husband is not.mad at me but he is not happy that his friend did not invite him,they have Christmas party coming up and we are invited, my husband asked me if I liked to go, I would rather spend time with his family than with his friends, told him so. He said let's not go then. My first language is not English , I never grew up here, I came here for work, so most of the time I cannot relate what they are talk about, I never had a chance to listen to English music or play video games growing up, we were dirt poor so for us studies is the only goal to get out and make it better.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2021): I meant to say:
"He can't always placed in the position of choosing [between] you and his friends."
P.S.
A slight on my partner, is taking a swipe at me. I won't stand for it.
If this is taking a toll on your feelings; then I would recommend that you don't accompany him when he's hanging with his friends and their wives. By the same token, this mess shouldn't even be a problem. He has no reason to be upset with you. Like I said, nowadays, people can dislike you for no reason at all. If you offended anybody, you at least deserve the opportunity to fix-it.
Did he ever find-out what the issue is, or did he just blame it all on you???
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2021): You don't have to change your core personality or compromise your beliefs or values to suit other people. Just be open-minded, reasonably tolerant, and levelheaded. We're now in a politically-infused climate that permeates throughout our society. It's evident in almost everything. It's toxic, vile, and downright nasty. People decide they don't like you, and they don't even have to have a reason. Worse, they won't even try. They form cliques to make others feel excluded.
You don't have to transform yourself from an introvert into an extrovert; but you do have to use some diplomacy and charm from time to time. Open-up to people. Being closed-off and shielded can send some very negative-signals out to the people around you. You don't intend to, but people are forced to read you when you don't help them to get to know you.
Your married life does not revolve entirely around you. Your husband is more of a social-person; and he has developed lifelong friendships. Hindering all of his social connections will become a strain on your marriage. You should be his main-priority as his wife; but you're not entirely the center of his universe. He has friends, colleagues, and family to broaden his social-life; but it's not completely your fault, if they don't all take to you. He has a knack for socializing; but he does have some responsibility to make sure you also fit-in. You're a team and a partnership. His friends making you feel left-out or rejected is unacceptable. All the other wives are with their husbands, and you should be too. I'm pretty certain they're not all sugar and spice.
Sometimes shyness or demureness is misinterpreted as snobbishness. Sometimes a lack of participation in lively conversation leads people to believe you just can't keep-up. Decent people with class, keep these kinds of negative-opinions to themselves; because they could be misjudging a person entirely. People nowadays go out of their way to let you know they don't like you; even when they are dead-wrong, and could be mistreating people without any justification. They don't even care! Such is the sad reality of modern life.
Once you've noticed something different; or certain personality-traits and ways in a person, you should try to accept them for who they are. That is, as long as they're pleasant and likeable. Not everybody is loud and talkative; some are just low-key and easygoing. Their civilized and gentle-demeaner more than compensates for the fact they're not chatter-boxes. They add a calmness and serenity to the atmosphere.
Yet, there may be times when you have to step outside your comfort-zone for his sake; as he should fight in your defense when others shun or reject you for petty or unexplained reasons. You have to choose your battles wisely, and know when to hold your peace. This calls for action on his part. He does have a right to be upset, mainly with his friends. He knows you're an introvert. His job is to get them to make you feel welcome and included, all the same.
I feel you. I had to seek professional-training and attend special seminars, because my job and position requires me to meet with all levels of people, lecture, make speeches, do presentations, and mingle at social events. Often I'm terrified! I'm a loner by nature, and prefer "me-time" over big-time socializing. There's nothing wrong with you.
I won't invite people who come to my home and purposely put a damper on the festivities; but they're usually toxic, or caustic-personalities that don't mix. Not those who are shy or timid individuals. I'll have smaller more intimate gatherings for my shyer or more introverted friends. I know everyone isn't good at mingling, and some of my more nerdy friends are socially-awkward. You have to be considerate of various personalities; but being prejudiced, and excluding them altogether in full-knowledge that others are invited. That is just mean-spirited, and I find it very disreputable. Those who can't behave know why they weren't invited; so there's no issue. They fall in the category of acquaintances, not friends. They got any problem, they can scat!!! Yet, I'll treat all people with respect and kindness.
I think your husband should be a little bolder and more protective of you. If the other guys are considerate of their wives; he should be just as protective of your feelings. I also feel you should try to be more participatory in social gatherings; even if it's difficult. We can't always yield to our own ways and habits; we sometimes have to connect with others. That sometimes requires us to bypass certain personality-quirks that inhibit us from being warm and friendly. I don't mean be fake, just less guarded. If you want people to like you, you have to be likeable. It's not always "this is how I am, take it or leave it." In someone else's home as a guest, you must be charming and pleasant. I can't see where being pleasant is a strain. If it is, then maybe there's a reason the other wives aren't particularly crazy about you. That still doesn't mean they should get to decide whether you are invited or not. It's the guys who are friends. Leave the mean-girl drama out of it!!!
Maybe only the guys should get together and exclude the wives; if they're going to bring drama into the mix. I can't say I like the partners of all my friends, or all my partner's friends; but I don't uninvite or exclude them from invitations based solely on my feelings about them. Who the heck am I? I think your husband is caught in the middle, and he needs to talk to his buddies and get some understanding. You both get rejected or excluded like he's being punished; because somebody has decided they don't like you for being more reserved than the rest. I think excluding you altogether is just mean and hurtful. He should address it, and he shouldn't let his friendship be compromised; because of some high school mean-girl tactics put-on by the other wives...or any one wife, in particular.
I don't think it's fair that your husband gets left-out; but then again, he should consider the fact the other guys are doing it on account of their wives. He should have the nerve to stand-up for you, and question their rationale for snubbing the two of you when they're all supposed to be best friends. I don't think this will easily be resolved. It's all in his hands, and how he chooses to handle it. They're 'his' friends. He can't always placed in the position of choosing being you and his friends. Real friends would never do that to each-other. That's my opinion.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 October 2021):
 Talk to him.
What HE decides to do about his friends is up to him. If I were you I would make SURE he knows that if there are things he wants to do with friends YOU don't have to tag along.
If you are being honest, would you have wanted to go on a holiday with people who have made such fast judgement of you? and let their dislike for YOU "punish" your husband? That seems rather narrow-minded of them. But they may not have thought it was mean. most married couples ARE a package deal. They didn't know different. They didn't even think to ask, because they didn't want to hurt your feelings or his.
You are who you are. You shouldn't change because some people you BARELY know don't like you.
Talk to him. We can't guess what's going on in his head.
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