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My husband wants me to do things that make me feel dirty, humiliated and miserable, what do I do?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 March 2006) 4 Answers - (Newest, 14 April 2006)
A female , anonymous writes:

My husband thinks he is a good lover. He goes at it without any thought for me. Asks if I would like him do this and that which his previous girlfriend liked. He makes me feel dirty. Thinks touching the clitoris not licking is masterbation and when he tries to go down I just cannot let him. He had an affair just after I had my twins when I really felt so ugly and was left with a saggy apron-like stomach. I feel that he has never made love to me just screwed me. He wants anal sex, oral sex and other things. He has been with so many other women he wants me to be like them. I feel he thinks I am just useless. I cannot leave him as I would not know how to cope. He says he loves me but I do not believe him. He flirts outrageously and leaves me for hours when we go anywhere, making sure that I can see wehat he is dong. I feel so humiliated and miserable. What can I do?

View related questions: affair, anal sex, clitoris, flirt, oral sex

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2006):

Fuck him , get a tummy tuck and boobies and be your hot self again! Get some self esteem, hon.

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A female reader, Trixie +, writes (10 April 2006):

Trixie agony auntIf you are financially secure, I would highly recommend a tummy tuck for the apron stomach you have after giving birth. I had the same issue, and after 15 years of giving birth made the decision to have a tummy tuck, and it was the best decision I ever made in my life regarding how I view myself visually. Peaceful blessings to you in this difficult time in your life.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2006):

I think you are depressed because you know too well, you are being emotionally abused, hun. So do you continue experiencing the pain of your husband's degrading behavior? Of course not. The truth be known...your husband doesn't think he's good at anything, dear...he just pretends, to keep you 'off-balance". Abusers do this because they like control..it makes them feel good about themselves. Kind of pathetic, isn't it? Any confident, self-assured, good man has a heart, he has empathy, compassion for other humans and most importantly, he respects his wife. You have learned at the hands of this man, to question your self worth and your value, thus causing your anxieties. Your husband is using this marriage as a search and destroy mission and you are under attack, bigtime. As a free thinking woman, you do have choices, dear. You can choose to continue permitting this or you can choose to put an end to it. I think you need to find your self-value as a person, and only allow yourself the gift and the right to only be in a happy situation that is respectful of you. To get there, start believing in yourself and take a strong stand. You need to establish your boundaries by withdrawing from the situation. Make it clear that you will not stay in this situation with him when he humilates you. But don't just threaten that. You will have to follow through on walking away from his abuse. He may get the message and is motivated to change, including getting professional help if needed. Will he get help for his problems? Maybe, but abusers have a tendency to 'bandage' the situation. Until he owns the behavior and his/her obligation to end the abuse, his behavior will come back, time after time. The surprising thing about abusers-is they really are emotionally broken people themselves. They wreak havoc on innocent people's lives, never feeling they are doing anything wrong. And I often wonder why good people sacrifice themselves to 'love broken people like this"? But you are not alone. Many women and men are in the same situation, as you. Some of these people-realize they can't change their abusive mate..so they make changes to themselves. They walk away and get some counseling for the painful feelings and depression. You need to take care of you, first. Also for the emotional well being of your kid, you need to begin healing. It will take strngth and courage..I think you have this. Once you prove that to yourself, your life will be enriched in ways you never thought possible. I wish you the best, dear.

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A female reader, BluntBabe +, writes (30 March 2006):

You are obviously very depressed and insecure. It sounds like your husband is the cause of both problems. Because he is the cause of your insecurity, you feel like the only thing you can hope for is that he suddenly do an about-face and start treating you lovingly. You feel like you will never be confident again unless he thinks you are valuable and starts acting like it.

The thing is, that will never happen.

ANY woman, even the hottest young thing you see walking down the street, will have to endure massive physical change when she gives birth. These changes will have an intense effect on the way she feels about herself. Men don't understand what it's like to go through these changes-- the best men are ones that know that, and they SEE YOU AS A PERSON and CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS, so they act sensitively towards their wives if they are new mothers.

Unfortunately, these men are few and far between, and it sounds like your husband is not even close to being one of them. In fact, it sounds like he is at the opposite end of the spectrum.

You need to become a confident woman for the sake of your children. They WILL be f**ked up if they have an insecure mother who lets her bastard husband treat her like she is worth nothing, especially if one of your children is female. You may not feel like you're important enough to save your own life, but for your children, you have to. And the only way you'll do that is by leaving your husband.

Stay with family. Stay with friends. If you can't do that, there are many shelters nationwide that exist simply for people like you. I work teaching computer skills to women at these shelters, and they are amazing-- they provide free day care, job training, and many other things you'll need to get back on track.

I know you wanted me to tell you how to seduce him and win back his affections and somehow magically transform him into a loyal, one-woman man. THERE IS NO WAY TO DO THIS. Men who don't cheat on their wives do so because they are able to see them as human beings, and they are pained by thought of hurting them just as you are pained by the thought of someone doing harm to your husband. Your husband, unfortunately, sees you as an object.

Good luck. Use Google to find yourself some women's services in your area.

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