A
female
age
30-35,
*iggles17
writes:I'm at a loss and in desperate need of advice. So bare with me for a minute because this is gonna be a bit long... I am married to my husband of almost 3 years. Well the other day he came out to his family and friends about him being bisexual and him wanting a sex change. (I have known about this years before we got together and got married so its no big surprise to me.)Here is where I have the problem, all while I am completely supportive of him and I just want him to be happy. We as a couple aren't what we used to be. We have morphed into what feels like a platonic friendship. We rarely have sex, we rarely hug or kiss, or cuddle etc and it has taken a toll on me because I like that attention and I want that with him, but he keeps giving me the excuse that it is just not the way he is, that he is not an affectionate person when I know for a fact he used to be. So how can I bring the romance back into our relationship when he seems to want nothing to do with it?Another thing is while I am trying to be supportive of his decision about his sex change... a part of it just makes me want to cry... I feel like I'm losing my husband... feel like I'm mourning. Does this make me a bad person for feeling this way? And how can I overcome these feelings that I have so that I can be there for him more? Any help and advice would be great.. please try to be kind. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Giggles17 +, writes (24 August 2013):
Giggles17 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well I tried to sit down and talk with my husband currently about the situation and how I felt about it. He flipped out on me saying "I don't know why this is so hard for you, you're not the one going through it." Telling me that the only reason I don't like it is because of the sex. (which we rarely have anyways..) Ever since he has been ignoring me for the last 2 days. I love him so much and I want him to do what makes him happy, but I know I deserve to be happy too. I want to be with someone who WANTS to be with me. But yet he makes me feel bad for wanting to be so. I'm more confused now than ever. My parents are upset because they see how much this hurts me and how he isn't considering me or the two boys that we have together. And what really opened my eyes is when our 2 year old came to me the other day and said "mommy where did daddy go?" because he doesn't even recognize my husband anymore. All he thinks of is himself is what it seems to be anymore. We were supposed to start marriage counseling months ago, but every time I bring it up he always has an excuse as to why he can't go, but yet he made time to speak with a psychiatrist about his sex change. So... what do I do now? Do I keep trying? Or do I cut my losses and move on?
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 August 2013):
 Have you talked to him about his expectations AFTER the surgery? What does he expect from you? From the marriage? The relationship?
Does it match up what YOU want?
If he always felt like a woman, is he then bi-sexual? Or into men? Or into women only? And if so, could you be satisfied being with another "woman" when you had him as a man before?
These are HUGE questions that I think you have to ask yourself and him. And really, I would try and find someone who knows about this subject. When you husband goes look for a doctor he will have to go though a psych eval and I think in that process there are counselors available, but I don't know if that is for family too.
...............................
A
female
reader, Giggles17 +, writes (19 August 2013):
Giggles17 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere is the thing when we first got married, he always talked of the sex change, but said he could never go through with it... or if he did anything at all that he would just do breast implants. That he didn't want to get rid of his "male" parts because he still wanted to please me. (This was when we were still very active romantically/sexually) I actually asked him the other night what were his goals in going through this whole thing, and he revealed to me that yes he now does want to do a full transition. I feel so bad and want to cry at times (although never around him) because I love him so much just the way he is, but I don't want to be selfish and ask him not to be who he really wants to be. And yeah I guess I am hoping that once everything is said and done that he will finally be happy and be able to share that connection with me again... but I know I'll be sacrificing a big part of our relationship seeing as then I won't be able to share in the things with him that I can now. But then I think to myself that we barely have sex now... how much am I really sacrificing then?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 August 2013):
Can I ask why, when you were first dating and you found out he wanted a sex change you still went ahead and married him? Not that I'm saying you shouldn't have married him knowing it, but it's always harder when reality sets in and he actually wants to get the surgery instead of the "fantasy" (for him) of getting it done.
I can't imagine being in your shoes, it has to be hard. And yes you are in a way losing your husband (as you know him) if he goes through with it.
Like others have mentioned I would look into finding support groups for people with family members undergoing or thinking about undergoing sex-change.
Maybe staying married is not an option for either of you. I think you two need to talk about this and find a counselor who KNOWS how to deal/handle this issue.
...............................
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (19 August 2013):
 Of course you're not a bad person. In fact, I think that you're a marvelous person to be so supportive, and what you're going through is very normal for people in your position.
Contact PFLAG, who might be a good source of support for you. You'll find other people there who have gone through this same thing, being the support for someone who is going through a change. A good professional would also be worth contacting, they might know of similar support groups.
You are sort of losing your husband. He doesn't feel happy inside of himself, so he's changing that person. It's an ENORMOUS change. He is changing a very important part of his identity.
And then beyond that, you have a relationship without much chemistry. It must feel like you are basically there to be his best friend, to support him unconditionally, but I'm sure that you're feeling neglected because you're going through an awful lot too and aren't getting the affection or attention that can help you feel like you'll still have a lover after this.
Maybe it's time to have a serious talk with your husband. You shouldn't stay with somebody because you feel obligated too. You should stay with someone because they make you feel happy and loved. Sex change or no sex change, your significant other isn't providing that for you and leaving you lonely, neglected and a little physically starved for attention. I think you can still be supportive for him while he goes through this, but maybe that doesn't require you to be legally his wife.
But, maybe it's not that he isn't attracted to you - maybe he's got a lot of doubts and anxieties in his head, since he has yet to go through this change. If he's not comfortable within his own body, then maybe it's hard for him to use his body to be affectionate with you.
Going to couples therapy might not be a bad idea either?
I really feel for you, and I think that you're being a great friend and a great wife through all of this. I wish you the best of luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, happy140 +, writes (19 August 2013):
 You have some really tough decisions to make. Although I don’t understand why men/woman get married and THEN decide to make life altering changes, YOU can only be supportive if you love him. With that said, SERIOUS thought on your part has to be done. Not about his happiness but yours. You married a MAN, someone who will hold you, kiss your neck, touch you intimately and someone who will make love to you and be inside you making you feel like a part of him and him you. You will be losing that, doo you want too? Are you willing to give that up for the rest of your life? You will never feel him inside you again (that is one of the most beautiful things I can feel with my wife, and I would never give it up). You will over come the stigma from others about your marriage, two woman, a sex change and the other unkind things people tend to say. You say your OK with the marriage as it is with the lack of intimantcy, however would you be able to handle that on a Permanente basis? Are you will to take the risk financially. What will happen financially to you if after the change you decide you need to leave, half of the bills are yours? Will you be able to kiss your husband/wife after the change and still feel the love you know have while he is wearing a dress with makeup in public. These are things you need to be concerned with. “but he keeps giving me the excuse that it is just not the way he is, that he is not an affectionate person when I know for a fact he used to be.”—will he be AFTER the operation or are you just hoping he will? He may even find the he wants/needs a true lesbian in order for him to feel like a woman. You say you feel like your losing your husband, AFTER the operation you will have lost your husband, there is no chance of him being your husband, none. He will not want to be referred to as a man, a husband is a man by definition. You can be supportive of him, you can be there for him, be glad for him, want this for him. Notice I said for HIM. Make a decision about how you want your life to be/go and then, if you stay, understand that changing any man, much less one that wants to be transgender, will never happen. I wish you the best-----
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2013): I think those feelings to beyond any advice anyone could offer you here. Your husband is on the path of changing his entire body and identity forever so you are justified in feeling at a loss. I would strongly recommend going to see your doctor who could put you in touch with a counsellor who has experience in dealing with this situation, I imagine your husband may already be seeing someone to discuss the emotional aspect of a physical change and if he is maybe you could see the same therapist/counsellor to discuss your concerns.Once you have found a counsellor or therapist I would also make time to go together so you can share your worries and concerns in a safe, neutral environment.Your feelings do not make you a bad person, you must be a very compassionate, tolerant person to be so supportive of your husband and accepting him. This is a decision that doesn't just affect him so it is very natural you are experiencing a variety of emotions about this.Please speak to a professional though, they will have so much experience and may be able to put you in touch with other wives whose husband has undergone a sex change.
...............................
|
