A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband wants to bring a third party into our relationship, but no, this isn't what you think.It's not about a threesome; he wants to bring a professional sexologist to watch us having sex and give pointers on how to improve our sex life, he says they'll also give us psychological health checks too.He told me that Patricia won't be doing a threesome, she'll be watching us, then advising us on how we could improve things etc. give pointers etc.I'm wondering why, as our sex life seems good, we're fairly healthy, no major health issues, and he's a good, romantic, kind, caring, helpful guy.He told me he wants to bring Patricia into the bedroom to watch us having sex; she's a sexologist who's in her late 50s and has been in the business since 1995.I told him no, this sounds weird, but he said this is how Patricia occasionally does things for her clients, she doesn't like doing "psychiatrist in office" for every session.He told me there's no pervy intent with Patricia; she's not watching us for the sake of spying or glory-hole type behavior; it's for analysis purposes.He told me how Patricia does a discussion, then watches sex, records it (with implict consent of individual) then advises us over a 3.5-hour long session.But with COVID19 and social distancing isn't this just a bit too risky and also creepy?As it is, Patricia's had good online reviews but I suppose in this day and age of misinformation should i worry about astroturfing?My husband's always been the sort of guy to try something new and it's often worked out well; he got us trying a new hobby of doing pottery and it stopped stress although we don't do it as much now; he also got us very into Lebanese recipes too and Japanese-Italian fusion cuisine. This, however, I don't think will work out.It's causing major rows; I get what he's trying to do, he wants to improve an area of our life, but in reality, isn't this just a step too far for improving sex life?We've got all the time we want to indulge in sex (not saying it in a boastful way) when not doing chores/shopping etc. because we're both freelancers and our work's ground to a halt due to the COVID19 pandemic; we can't work from home and our clients have effectively frozen things for now until mid-2022 (we work in different industries). Much as we'd like to work, we really can't, since our work can't be done from home or via Zoom.I feel embarrassed just saying the above, but until the pandemic hit, we hadn't had much time for sex due to travel; husband was back and forth from LA to Chicago, Dallas, Philadelphia, Minneapolis on business and I was constantly travelling to and from the other side of LA for work with clients (I work in an advisory capacity, and my work can't be done via Zoom since it involves occasional physical labor and driving heavy pickup trucks sometimes and my husband's job is as a talent scout/agent); sex was still there and is always an important part of our relationship, but was largely out of focus due to us both being tired from long-haul flights.Our relationship has been good in the 16 years we've been together; we met in April 2004 and got engaged by November 2005 but didn't get married until November 2008; the engagement lasted for 3 years.I've never been in a situation like this before, and I guess, some people won't have been.Looking for the best advice on dealing with this since sexologists aren't something I've ever dealt with before.Isn't this just a bit too out there/bizarre for most people, and why would my husband want to do this?Confused over the whole thing... need help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2021): Your husband wants a woman to watch, he wants to feel she is fancying him and wishing he was doing it all to her, that he impresses her with how terrific he is and that he can improve you so that you are up to his high standards. Can you not see through this? Come on now, turn your brain on. Sexologists do not work this way and they are very expensive, I very much doubt you could afford one.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2021): Hi
Bravo! What a crafty, cunning, devious, way to get somebody else in to the bedroom, where you actually appreciate the assistance. Occasionally she will show you how to do something properly and show you 'hands on', hey! maybe on the day, a stand in sex goddess stands in for the fifty year old bird. Come On! you can not believe this crock of xxxx. I am not buying this, even if they have credentials.
Load of tosh.
P.s Make sure you don't have to pay, unless of course she is a prostitute with a new type of modern title. Sexologist ???? work it out girl.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2021): I would feel extremely uncomfortable with that too. Especially as they could video it and then who knows where that video might end up. It doesnt sound very professional to me. Most sex therapists would work with you as a couple, sitting on a sofs together with your clothes on and TALK about whatever problems you are facing. You have every right to say no to your husband and I think you should in this case.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 March 2021):
 OK, this is really simple.
Either you think you two need this and want to do it, OR you don't. If you don't - tell him no, final answer.
I would REALLY presume that a couple who have been together for 16 years can TALK about where to improve their sex life, what each partner might want to try (with the partner), and what are no-gos.
I can't imagine having someone WATCH me having sex with my husband can help me IMPROVE. As I think I would be severely hampered by my sense of modesty and personal expression having someone sit and WATCH me. Take notes and then later give me "constructive criticism"...
Yeah, total no for me.
You also state that the reason you two are not having AS much sex as you used to is that you BOTH travel for work, well NO wonder y'all are exhausted!! How would someone watching you have sex FIX that problem? They can't! Being tired from a long flight is NOt fixed by someone "critiquing" your sexual abilities!
His reasoning makes NO sense other than I think... he would like to be watched having sex.
*shrug*
I think it's OK that he asked, but I think his reasoning for wanting said "sexologist" to "help", is flawed. I also think it's PERFECTLY OK for you to decline this "help" IF you feel that way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2021): Ah, your husband is full of it!!! You're full-grown adults who have been a couple for a total of 16 years; and suddenly he needs some stranger to come in and tell you how to have sex! Get-outta here!!! Life got busy, now it's not. You should have plenty of time for sex during covid-confinement!
So, he isn't going to take "no" for an answer? The plan is to badger and pressure you until he wears you down, and you are forced to change your mind? You'll submit under duress; because he won't let-up. He's a pro, that's what he does for a living!
This ain't making pottery lady! It's making porn! Call it for what it is! Dress it up in a bow and put lipstick on it!
We are living in a depraved "anything-goes" society; and we can rationalize and justify just about anything. Creativity comes from the heart. Use your own imagination. You've come this far! This is nothing more than bohemian decadence. Just another excess pursued by an already over-indulgent society. Take a pass, sister!
Do your research, and do a complete background-check; and vet all this lady's credentials. Don't just take his word for it.
If you want a highly-qualified sexologist, they have a masters or doctoral degree. The best qualified do have degrees in psychology and psychiatry; and treat sexual dysfunctions and disorders. If Patty doesn't have her credentials in order, tell her take a walk! They don't have to be in your bedroom! There are also books and manuals!
If you don't want it, and you don't think it makes any sense; don't let him bully you into doing it. People can make worshipping the devil sound like a barrel of laughs and a gratifying experience. Some really need help; but for others, it's just a walk on the dark side! Nothing more, nothing less! A little test to see what you can handle; before he decides to introduce you to the next step.
Your husband just likes the idea of another woman in the room, watching you two have sex. If somebody is viewing you during intimacy, their participation is through voyeurism. Then telling you what to do, like you've never had sex before??? This person gets to video your intimate moments with your husband. How do you know they won't end-up on the internet, or she won't get "handsy" in the process? I'm sure he's going to sell it on you big-time! That's his thing! Selling people's looks and talent to people who buy it! That's Hollywood! We the consumers and viewers reap the benefits, having an insatiable appetite for entertainment!
Your husband is turning your love-life into porn. A third person watches and videos. She's commenting on your performance like a porn-director in a porn studio. My dear, tell me, what's the difference?
Reading your post; I think he's succeeding at wearing you down, you're almost convinced, and you'll probably do it. Anyway you slice it, it's porn! If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...
By all indications, seems to me you're going to do it. Not sure why you came to DC?
If this is something you know will definitely sit well with you, and it won't challenge your morals or values; then do it because you "want to!" Not because he bullied you into it. You have to live with the consequences or repercussions of your own decisions. You're old enough to own it and not pass the blame if things go wrong. I still think "threesomes" is the hidden objective or goal behind this. If there are three of you in the same bedroom during sex...what's that?
If things start to get progressively kinky down the road. Don't blame him, you're a consenting adult. In my opinion, you're opening a Pandora's Box! I've got to give it to him, he's pretty clever!
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A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (29 March 2021):
 I can't actually say I have ever heard of anything like this before so this is a new one for me.
I think that a couples sex life is something that you work on together as a couple, experimenting, trying new positions, exploring each other likes, dislikes.
Bringing Patricia in to the bedroom to watch you making love, while filming it, and then giving pointers is just weird. Does this fall in the job description of a professional sexologist then does it?.
I fail to see what pointers she can give, that you can't work on yourselves without her being in the room watching you?.
I would totally decline proceeding forward with this, I don't believe that any professional body has a job where they come around and film couple making love, not that I have ever heard of anyway.
Tel your husband your not doing it, its all to weird and rather bizarre if you ask me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2021): I wonder how he would be if you told home you found an experienced sexologist called Patrick . I’m not buying the whole it’s not exciting for him be to have a woman watch
Tell him you’ll consent only if it’s a man as your not comfortable with another female and watch him change his tune
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