A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband took a female friend/coworker out on our boat while I was away at a sporting event last weekend. He picked her up in her town (by water), met her at the dock of a hotel at the waters edge, took her for a ride approx 30 km north up the lake. During this time they set anchor, had drinks, visited and swam from the boat (they were out from noon until five pm). When I came home on Sunday afternoon, he casually mentioned he had been out with 'Cathy' from work, and that they had gone boating together. She is married as well. My husband says he bumped into her in the store that morning, invited both her and her husband out, her husband was busy so she accepted the invitation solo.I feel angry and hurt. I have never met this coworker, but my husband used to travel with her for work, often sharing rides, dinners, and running together. I felt uncomforatble about thier closeness at the time they were working together and travelling (about two years ago) and talked with my husband about my feelings then. It makes it all the more shocking to me that he invited her out on the boat while I was away. He says they are just 'friends'. Am I a fool to believe him? How can I get past my anger and hurt?
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male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (1 August 2007):
 You don't trust your husband... therefore you will have a hard time getting over the anger and hurt.
He thought this visit was innocent, but you think he crossed a boundary, so you decided to yank on the leash. If my assessment is incorrect please let us know via follow-up post.
One positive thing you can take away is that he did not hide this visit from you. It shows that he respects the marriage and trusted you not to melt down. So now you've put the lie to his trust in your reactions. If you troll this site you won't have far to go before you read about deceit and infidelity. Your husband does not appear to be one of those people.
Is it just this woman's friendship that is unacceptable or all your husband's friendships with women? In the absence of any other information, and based on the bitter tone in your post, I would have to say the latter.
If your husband's word is not good enough for you then it's time for you to leave him so he has the opportunity to be with someone who trusts him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2007): Could you approach her husband and ask him if he really was invited, or whether he knew where his wife was? I'm not a very trusting person these days when it comes to men, and he certainly doesn't sound trustworthy to me.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (1 August 2007):
 Female/male buddy type relationships are not very realistic...usually. He may have a perfectly innocent friendship with her as they work and have traveled together. IT sounds like this bothers you, not based on evidence of cheating but on another level. I understand it but it doesn't mean he's cheating.
However, you did previously tell him that their contact bothered you. That should have told him a boat ride with her was not a great idea. Maybe he got in over his head and when the husband declined he still felt obligated to bring her. You have no proof of anything, other than the fact he did something he knew would bother you. Are you the jealous type? Is there some more history to this?
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A
male
reader, Guitarboy  +, writes (31 July 2007):
 You should be concerned. There is indeed something going on there. He could've invited a male buddy but he didn't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007): The fact is he's giving one woman a whole lot of attention so he must have feelings for her. I have a boyfriend who tells me off when I get concerned at the sheer volume of his female friends. The horrible thing is it makes you (and me) suspiscious and now you have to live with that - which HE provoked!!! Give him an ultimatum - he stops or you will be asking HIM to leave. This needs nipping in the bud and you need to be very very clear from the outset. I think you were a little too nice a couple of years ago and he got away with it. There are boundaries in a relationship and he crossed over them big style. Get tough - he needs to be under no illusions as to your feelings and the consequences if things don't change. Just remember one thing. Carry out what you threaten if you need to - otherwise it goes on....and on..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007): Men don't have "just friends" like that. There is almost always sexual tension stuff going on - but it may not be too late to stop it developing. At my old age I have seen it time after time with friends, luckily not to me! The usual defense is to make out you are being completely unreasonable - it is another sign.
If your partner is concerned, reassuring and loving about your reaction; says they will not do it again if it upsets you etc, fine.
Otherwise you may have to do something quite harsh about it if you want to keep him. Does he insist it is harmless and that he won't stop seeing her because you are being unreasonable? Another bad sign, very bad. Read a book called "Love Must Be Tough" and it will tell you what to do. You can't make him be nice and stay if you keep letting him get away with it. Don't be insecure, be firm. It could become too late if you leave it much longer.
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A
female
reader, PoSiOnKiSS  +, writes (31 July 2007):
 This is a difficult one, as it seems your husband cares little for your feelings if he is still seeing a women and mentioning it when its such a sensitive topic. You need to tell him again that its hurting you and see what he says, if he says hes sorry and that he wont see her again then give it time and see what happens, see if he goes by what he says, but if he says shes just a friend then you need to consider whether its worth being in a relationship with a man that seems to bother more about a 'friendship' than your feelings. But since its been so long since you talked about it you most definatly need to remind him of how you feel about her and him seeing each other in private. And if you want to be really forward with it all, ask to meet this woman if shes a so called friend. And if you can, try and approach her husband and ask him what he thinks about it all, you should get some answers then. Hope it helps hun x
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