A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband makes bad decisions when it comes to money. He will buy any thing from any body. We have a business in the city but he insisted on moving 1 1/2 hour away from work. We spent months driving to houses and land. Some of the were 2 hrs away. He fought with me until I signed a contract with him for a dump house in the middle of nowhere. A week after we signed he decided he did not want the house. We barely got out of it. He insisted on moving and buying a house right before the market was about to go down. I asked him to wait just a little while so we could get a better price. He refused. I gave up because he gets mad and screams and blames me if I do not agree with him. We bought a house we did not want because he insisted we find a house within 2 months. We paid about $20,000 more for the house than it is worth now and more than it was worth then. Soon after that he insisted on buying another house because he did not like the house. Now he wants to sell the first house and he hired a contractor to do about $15,000 in work to the house so we can sell it. The work did not make the house worth more because of the neighborhood. He bought a security system we do not need twice. I had to let them come and put it in. Two days later he did not like the way it worked and blamed he for ruining his night because I had to call and cancel it. He does this with everything. He wanted to build a house on a property that would have cost $100,000 just to clear the land with a contracting company that is well known as a fly by night company. He screamed at me when I refused saying I ruined his life. He wanted to find a real estate agent to sell the house so I found a few. We made an appointment with one but he did not show up. I told him that is a red flag. He will not be a good agent. He insisted on getting this agent and making another appointment. We have another agent that is really good and motivated. He will not agree with me to get her because she sells high end properties and he thinks she will not pay attention to our house.I have tried many times to talk to him about this. But he when I bring up any of the things he is doing or has done he denies that any of it is a mistake or bad decision. He will change the subject or blame me. When I told him we should get another realtor. He said it was my fault he didn't show up. He screams at me that it was me that picked him. When he wanted to buy a house 1 1/2 hr. away he said that I ruined everything for him so I agreed. Then when he realized it was a bad decision he said I made the decision not him even though he bullied me into agreeing with him. He usually bullies me into doing what he wants then lies and says it was what I wanted and blames me. If I tell him that is a lie he just screams at me. Please tell me what I can do. There are many other things like this he does. Any help would be appreciated
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): You need to get separate bank accounts, and keep totally separate finances. since he has this need for unilateral control over money, then fine he can use his own money but he has no right to drag you into his decisions which you don't agree with. if it turns out that separating your finances means you can't afford a new house on just his money alone, then so be it. He wants things done his way, then he uses his own money. I assume you are not a stay at home wife, and you are not completely financially dependent on him.
refusing to consider your view on how money is spent, means he's not behaving as a marriage partner. In which case a last resort is to divorce him since he's already living as if he doesn't have a spouse to consider.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (20 November 2012):
 Huh. This isn't really about money for either of you. This is about you not trusting him, and about his ego and fear that your dissent of him is emasculating him, causing the lashouts.
His blaming you and saying you "ruin his life" sounds so out of proportion to purchasing a house. You don't ruin someone's life simply by disagreeing with him, yet he characterized your dissent as "ruining his life". That is interesting to me.
Let me ask you this -- are these financial decisions draining on you to the point of bankruptcy, or are you simply freaking out at what appears to you as serious waste spending and time??
If buying houses, fixing up houses, spending money aren't hamstringing the family, I say give him a little latitude. You said "He wanted to find a real estate agent to sell the house so I found a few.". Why not let HIM find these few?? If the issue is that he's feeling like you're fighting him left and right, why not capitulate on some of the easier ones and then make him feel like he made other decisions?
Yes, a large house purchase should be a two-person decision in a marriage, but it's way too easy to constantly second-guess someone else because you don't trust them. These houses are projects to him. I knew a few people who acted the same way that he does, and the next time he's looking at buying a house, let him do all of the work.
Why are you looking for agents for him? If he wants to do it, just step back, and before you say "this isn't a good idea", which becomes knee jerk, ask him why he is making decisions, and be specific. Don't clash...reason.
Here's an example: "He wanted to build a house on a property that would have cost $100,000 just to clear the land with a contracting company that is well known as a fly by night company."
Instead of refusing, did you ask him what was attractive about this company? Did you ask him what makes the property appealing to him? Did you ask him what his vision was for this house?? My point is, if, instead of starting up with the criticism for the contracting company (you may be quite right about it!), you take an interest in his thought process, you may be able to give him the impression that you're not blocking him, but rather are a willing ally in achieving his goals. If he liked the land and you liked it and he said he wanted a certain style of house, you could have said something like "You know, I heard that XYZ company is the absolute best at building heated marble floors" instead of simply saying "Don't use ABC company! They are horrible!"
With an ego guy, you have to pick your battles. True financial mismanagement isn't what you're describing. Not many people anticipated the housing crash of 2006-2007, so don't hold that against him. Many smart homebuyers took a bath here. True financial mismanagement would be like hiding credit cards and spending from you, extravagant purchases of indulgences, drugs/gambling, too much gift giving, etc.
Work WITH the ego. Voice objections so that they don't sound like them, meaning, find out his end motives for his decisions, and suggest alternative ways to reach them, letting him pick the one that sounds the best to him. Also, and this one you'll have to really discipline yourself over, but tell him you appreciate him, and that you are proud that he is working to get the best house for both of you.
A guy who feels unappreciated tends to entrench and act out on a stupid decision. One who feels like his wife is there for him is more apt to be open to suggestion.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 November 2012):
 I would evaluate if this is something you can live with or not in a marriage.
Your husband seems to use you for one thing, a scapegoat for his own bad choices. However, you LET him do this to you. This for now is his/your pattern of behavior with each other. The only way for it to change is if you BOTH accept and are aware of them AND you BOTH want to change this. If that is a yes on all points, I would suggest you find a couples counselor/therapist and/or a NEUTRAL financial adviser before any purchases/business decisions are made.
I personally, couldn't deal with a spouse like this.
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A
female
reader, VenusFlowerBasket +, writes (20 November 2012):
All this screaming he does, he sounds like he's a five year old child! I felt mad reading this, he's a petulant bully. I really don't know what to suggest as it doesn't sound like he listens to anything you have to say anyway? Perhaps you could wait for some more replies and let him read what other adults think of his behaviour. I'd be depressed living with someone like this, he's a bit of an idiot isn't he.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2012): Well this is manipulative behavior and almost childish to the say the least. How has his relationship with his folks been? Probably a very similar type of relationship or someone in his family like this? Regardless, you can't be blamed or "bullied" into such decisions and disagreement over finances is the number one cause of divorce, so unless he agrees to seek help with you for counselling), then you can confront him with issues he will be forced to think about. He is defensive and will not take your advice because he thinks he is always right. I don't see this working out unless you put your foot down and refuse to sign anything you are not in agreement with. If he doesn't like it, then that will be his problem and you will have at least played it safe (despite his confrontations).
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