A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I get my feelings hurt because I do not see my husband all day and when he gets home the first thing he does is go to the TV and stays there all night.(when I do talk to him he doesn't hear half of what I say either) I work part time and then come home and take care of everything the kids the cooking the cleaning yet I still make time for him. In fact if I miss making time for him he lets me know it.. Well last night I got home later and of course he was in front of the TV didn't get up to say hello just kept on watching TV. SO I said something about it.. Told him it seems as if he doesn't make an effort . It was like someone flipped a switch he started ranting obscenities and told me to shut the F##* UP!!! I went to another room to sleep and of course I got about 3 hours of sleep.. I just don't know what to do?? Do I have a right to be upset? He makes me feel like everything is my fault .. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (10 May 2013):
 Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I know the pain of being treated the way you were by someone you love.
Clearly, there is something going on here -- more than I think you realize. I get the impression that you are more roommates than a married couple. I also suspect he sees you as a live-in maid and nanny. When he wants you around, he'll let you know, but in the meantime you are to remain in the background.
Yes, you do have a right to be upset. His verbal attack seems sort of extreme. Perhaps you interrupted him during a pivotal time during a tv show but none the less his attitude was clearly out of line -- especially if kids are around (they will pick up on your husband's treatment of you and treat you in the same manner)
Reading between the lines, I think there is a LOT more going on in your marriage than what you tell us here. I sense you want more out of the marriage, but remain frightened and subservient. I also sense you fear your husband.
I would highly encourage you to go and see a therapist -- for yourself. I think having someone to talk to about the state of your marriage will help give you perspective on your life. It may be scary looking at the truth but I think it would be beneficial to go at least a few times to shed some light on what is really going on.
Eddie
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (10 May 2013):
 I think I know your Husband; he’s over here in Australia doing a similar thing. So I can identify with the flipping light switch and ranting lunatic. Only thing is I have a flippin’ switch also; the remote control. So it’s talk to me civilly or this gets turned off! And believe me he ain’t no pretty sight after I do that; especially when the footy is on! Hey it’s his choice!?
But I WILL NOT TOLERATE being spoken too or treated disrespectfully in my own/our home. We’re there to come home and be safe, feel welcomed and rested etc. Plus there is such a thing here called a pause button!? To date he has learnt better than to ignore me...
In your case, no doubt hubby has become conditioned to getting away with his behaviour over a period of time? Whereas I nip it in the bud as soon as it appears by sharing my feelings; this is not caring for me… You could try explaining to him where is no need for him to speak to you like a savage beast, and if he continues there’ll be consequences. But I think this approach might just fuel him up? His mannerisms have been set.
So it begs the question how far are you prepared to go to achieve harmony and respect? Only you can teach the other person how you like to be treated. Although, if he is short on being a reasonable person to discuss or comprehend these issues, you’ll then have to bring out the big guns – NO dinner for you tonight… and get a bit of attitude yourself :) He’ll a least be surprised at your lack off rolling over and shutting up.
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (9 May 2013):
 Yes, you do have a right to feel the feelings you feel.
Because you have children you need to seriously consider what you want, do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? His filthy mouth is a form of abuse, you don't have to accept that in your life.
When did you two stop communicating?
Is there any time where you would be able to sit down with him without the destraction of the TV or children or having to be somewhere else, when you and he could have a conversation about where you are both headed? Do you ever do anything together, even discuss the budget or shop for stuff, anything at all?
Try to find a time where you can talk to him, ask him if how things are is what he wants. If he wont even acknowledge that there is a problem then it is possibly time to start thinking for your future, start a bank account he doesn't know about, put a little money aside, gather all your important papers, photocopy them and keep in a safe place away from your home (your mother's, sister's or a good friends house is a good place), I am not saying leave him but just suggesting you may need to recognise it could be necessary in the future so prepare for a rainy day.
Good luck
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