A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to a kind and loving man for 9 years. It's a good marriage, but like everyone we have our ups and downs. One issue in particular raises its ugly head every couple of years. My husband has no friends. He has no interests or hobbies, bar watching films or sport on tv. As you can imagine, this affects conversation between us, which largely consists of me telling him my news and him listening. A couple of weeks ago, i decided to not initiate conversation. There was practically none!I have tried to talk to him about this, but he thinks that i should make friends with couples so that we can have mutual friends. I have suggested many hobbies he could take up, but there's always an excuse not to. I don't know what to do about this: i feel guilty when i go out with my friends or spend time on my projects and interests, as he is home alone doing nothing as usual. Please don't suggest that we find a hobby together; i hope he will find something that will bring HIM joy, and not do it just because i'm interested in it. Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Schlemm  +, writes (10 April 2008):
 Hey, it's anonymous from 26 Feb 2008 again. If it ain't one thing, it's the other. The gf found herself something to do. She's working on a masters degree. Sounds great, except that now I'm at the polar opposite end of the spectrum. She's so completely involved in this masters degree that she VERY RARELY has time for anything else.
She hasn't cleaned her house since January. We've gone on dates maybe 2-3 times since then. Forget about intimacy.
The bad thing is, she likes to do her studying at my house... I guess because her's looks like a dumpster overturned in it (and NO, I'm not over-exaggerating). We "spend lots of time together" if you count her studying on MY couch while I'm watching TV in the bedroom or hanging out with my next door neighbors. Thank God I have a healthy social life.
Anyway, it's 4th and long, and I think I'm going to punt.
Cheers,
Schlemm
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): I can relate to this problem far too much. My BF expects me to do everything, including make him happy. I am his whole life. Unfortunately, I'm almost exactly the opposite - I have many hobbies and many interests. I want to be a whole person, not just the other half of a relationship.
I hope you can find a solution to this. I suggested therapy about 3 years ago, but he didn't think it would do any good. Since then, things have only gotten worst. Basically, its all over, except the fighting now. Even the sex is gone.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): My girlfriend is the worst of both worlds - has no hobbies/friends (other than TV) AND dominates the conversation (with excruciating details) so much that I can barely get a word in most times. Sometimes I just don't get around to telling her stuff because I get tired of trying to interject between her rapid-fire talking. It seriously feels like I'm listening to a college lecturer sometimes.It's the worst during the summer. She's a school teacher and is basically cooped up in her house all day not talking to anyone. I work in engineering and am constantly on the phone or talking to someone in person. Sometimes I just want to sit and be quiet at the end of the day, but she hasn't had any human interaction all day and needs someone to talk to. I told her I felt she needs other people in her life, but she says she doesn't want anyone else in her life - just me.She hangs it over my head if I need to have a night or weekend to myself, saying "I'll be here all alone, bored, while you're out with your friends." I'm a social person and need time with my friends. I also have numerous interests - I'm NEVER bored. It's just a difference of lifestyles, and you just have to ask yourself if you can deal with it. In the long run, I don't think I can.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2007): Hello,
I feel your pain. Your description sounds exactly like my husband. I know exactly what you mean about coversation. I'm always talking, telling my husband about who I've seen, what they said/did, or whatever. He has nothing to say. He's just a big bore and must have a bad personality because no one wants to hang out with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2007): Hi, i am the original poster. Thank you both for your input. I feel that part of the problem with my husband and i is that he wants me to provide 'quality time'. If he has this 'quality time' with me, then he feels like he is doing something with his free time and doesn't need any other hobbies. In order for me to WANT to be close with him, i need to feel like i'm not doing all the work. I appreciate that couples need to spend quality time together, but not if it encourages them to not have any life/friends/hobby outside of the relationship. I want to spend quality time with an interesting man, who has his own interests and opinions.
At this stage, the idea of going away for a weekend together sounds like hell on earth. Me making the arrangements, me making the conversation, me working out how we'll get there, me deciding what we'll do when we get there....
Do you see? It's ME. I want him to have a life so that i don't feel pressured to BE his life.
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A
female
reader, AskEve  + ♥, writes (15 February 2007):
 You know what his problem is don't you? He's a couch potato and watches too much TV! If you can't get rid of the TV then book a weekend away, just the two of you. Take the initiative here and BOOK the weekend! (Even if you need to call his work to make sure he can have the time off, that way there will be NO excuses!) When you go, make sure you have left instructions that NO TV is to be in your room. He's just fell into a horrible "rut!" During your weekend away, do things together, go for walks, TALK, reminisce about things you both used to do at the beginning of your relationship. Let him know how you've enjoyed being with him and how you should both try and do this more often.
Let him know how much you love him and how much you enjoy not sharing him with the TV all the time. Tell him you'd love to be able to continue spending QUALITY time together, even when you get back home again. Going away for a long weekend may just be the bump start that's needed to let him see there's more to married life than a TV and sofa!
Here is a link which might be of some help to you, it gives you 5 ways to put that spark back into your relationship. Remember, relationships need to be worked at. It takes TWO people to make it work so he needs to put input in too. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/41885/5_easy_ways_to_put_the_spark_back_into.html&
Here's another link I suggest you have a look at - 10 ways to put the excitement back into your relationship.http://www.webraydian.com/content/view/167/32/
Although you having your own friends and doing your own thing some of the time is good, it's not bringing you and him closer together and THAT'S what you want to be able to do here.
I really hope you try to get away for the weekend (with no TV) as I suggested, I really do think it will work wonders for both of you.
Eve
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A
female
reader, Millyella  +, writes (15 February 2007):
 Well, he certainly sounds like a very laid-back man!
Has he always been this way i wonder? When you met him first did he have interests and friends? Though in the first flush of love and attraction those things often fall by the wayside.
You can't make him find a hobby or an interest. If he really wanted to do that he would. As to making friends, he of course has to do that for himself. You can't make him do that either. But you can stop putting pressure on yourself to provide his happiness. Don't put your own hobbies and friends on hold to stay home if you don't want to. Perhaps if you are a little less available he might realise how little he has going on in his life?
There are no easy answers to this. But it's not within your power to do anything for him here. You must accept that, and also accept that he may not change, ever.
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