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My husband has an inappropriate relationship with his yoga instructor. What should I do?

Tagged as: Cheating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 July 2008) 5 Answers - (Newest, 11 July 2008)
A female United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I am a married 47 year old woman who has been married for 17 years.

My husband is a salesman...he is on the road constantly....he pretty much does and has the freedom to do whatever he likes.

Recently my husband has become extremely friendly with his yoga instuctor. He talks about her non stop and actually claims she has changed his life. I caught him sending her an e-mail late one night on his way home asking her to meet him out for drinks.

I told him I thought this relationship was completely inappropriate for a married man, I told him I was hurt by his actions and asked him to stop. He agreed that he would continue to take her classes but would not e-mail her or have contact with her outside of class.

This lasted about a month...I have recently found out he has e-mailed her several times.

He now says he is 45 years old and should be be free to pursue relationships with other woman "as friends".

I disagree. I don't have a problem with him being friends with other women...I do have a problem with him pursuing a relationship with a woman I believe he has other types of feelings for.

I am not going to bend on this....I believe he looks at this woman as more than a "friend" and think it is totally inappropriate.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

View related questions: married man

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008):

I pretty much agree with everyone here. If your certain he's not cheating a friend is OK, crush Ok, email OK, drinks alone I don't think so. I wouldn't come across as the bitchy bad ass wife though, unless he's cheated before.

Is he still sexually attracted to you? Is your sex life together good? I hate to say it but it makes a difference.

If he's a serous practitioner getting close to the instructor is not un likely. Yoga is more than exercise these day's can be pretty deep. My girl friend is obsessed.

Have you met her? Have you attended a class? If not you should. Keep your enemies close to you and in the open don't put them somewhere you can't see them. Maybe and hopefully you'll find this friendship is ok. Maybe he'll find you hotter too. Bending alittle just may spice things up after all it is yoga. Try and work it out. I would get closer rather than further away. 17 years is long time. Good Luck, keep us posted!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008):

I totally agree with "Tisha"; you follow her advice and get him a little worried;

What ever you do; don't nag him atbout this yoga instructor; keep your eyes open but don't make to much of an issue; don't be the become the normal nagging "insecure" wife;

Keep smiling;

Hope this works out well for you;

Keep us posted.

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A female reader, shandygirl United States +, writes (10 July 2008):

shandygirl agony auntI also am with you girl!

As I grew older, I have gotten to a point where I am a little on the BOLDER side. If I were you, I would go with him to Yoga Class, and introduce yourself to the instructor. Nicely..."Hi, I am his wife, pleased to meet you" (And in your mind... you will be thinking..."Bi-ch")(wink)

If he doesn't want you to go... GO ANYHOW!

I have been in the same situation, and I was soooo bold and obnoxious to the other woman, she got the "Hint" and left my man alone.

Maybe that isn't the way to handle things, but it worked for me. (chuckle)

What I am saying... is make yourself KNOWN in whatever way you feel comfortable doing it. Don't be the INVISIBLE WIFE.

Good Luck Honey.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008):

I have some thoughts - we wants his cake and eat it. The other post has made some good suggestions for getting things a little more 'even' however I think you need to keep a very close eye on the instructor - I think her behaviour is inappropriate for someone who is supposed to be a professional and care about peoples health. However your husband and her have already, it seems, swapped contact details. I would suggest meeting your husband after his yoga session for a meal out and make sure she knows you are waiting for him and eyeball this other woman so she gets the message. After that it is your husband that needs to stop this behaviour. Its far more than flirting and I sense something deeper - much. Do not bend. Why should you.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (10 July 2008):

Tisha-1 agony auntI'm with you on this one, I think. Over the course of a marriage, both partners will inevitably encounter some temptation and I don't think it is unusual to develop a 'crush' on someone else. BUT, that's all it should be, I think, a 'crush' that is clearly not going to go anywhere. In fact, it may add some zest to the marriage if the partner experiencing one then turns those feelings into positive action toward the other spouse. It can invigorate the marriage, if handled right.

Handling it right does NOT mean meeting the other person for drinks. Handling it right doesn't mean that you should keep on contacting the crush after your spouse has told you that s/he is uncomfortable with the relationship that seems to be developing. There's no reason why your husband can't be friends with another woman, but he should be including you in the get-togethers.

Yoga instructor, hmmm, that probably means she has a killer body and is younger than he is too. Maybe he's going through his mid-life crisis? You might need to be understanding of the mid-life crisis, that his feelings about himself are changing and he is evaluating his position in the world and realizing that he's over halfway through his life. That's generally not a great realization, and needs to be handled with great care.

Me in your shoes... I'd let him know that I did not trust him with the yoga instructor, that I would prefer that he not contact her outside class, that he realize that he was making me very uncomfortable and unhappy and mistrustful of his true feelings for Ms. Yoga.

Then I would go out, get myself a mini-makeover, haircut, manicure, pedicure, massage, the works, buy some new sexy clothes, and then just ever so slightly, back away from him. Make some plans with friends that didn't include him, and preferably plans that did include meeting up with good-looking younger men. Maybe hire a really handsome personal trainer for yourself?

In other words, make yourself desirable and just slightly unavailable to him. I'm not proposing that you try to have an affair to get even, I'm suggesting that you let him know that you too are a desirable woman with a lot to offer the man who recognizes that fact. And if it isn't him, hmmm, well then... He's unsettled you by this crush on Ms. Yoga. He needs to be unsettled a bit by you, I think....

I would not belittle him, I would not suggest that he's being immature; I would let him know that I loved him and that he is the most important man in your life. And I would try to rekindle those passionate feelings between you two, the ones that made you get married in the first place. And if it takes rocking him back on heels a little, so be it.

Good luck!

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