A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband doesn't seem excited about me anymore. He doesn't kiss or touch me passionately. He doesn't look in my eyes and makes his feelings known. He puts forth very little effort to make me feel emotionally fullfilled, even when I ask him to. Then,when I accuse him of not being in love with me, he totally then, passionately denies it that I'm wrong. Maybe if he had that kinda passion toward me when showing it I would believe him. But I don't anymore and he just can't see it. According to him he is totally happy and I can see why because I am a doutting lover. I am, however sick of trying to get through to him. At the start of our relationship, I kept leaving him for my x because of this but kept coming back for a need to be stable and not abusive(so I thought). So now, I'm in a loveless, stable, relationship, broke, have become fat from feeling emotionally starved and miserable. I still have a good job but recent health issues is messing that up. I lost my drivers license for a year. I've lost my image, my freedom. I don't want to go out because I hate how I look and feel. I have a ten year old daughter to take care of and no extra money to even consider any options. I just don't even know where to start.
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female
reader, Nooch +, writes (21 May 2011):
I really think the "Doc" could have done better. Pretending you are happy and doing things for yourself might help...short term. Come on! You can't do that forever and have a true feeling of inner happiness.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow that was quick! Yeah, I did try the whole pampering myself approach, weekly manicures, tanning, foxy clothing from Torrid but unfortunately doing all these things wasn't a big enough band-aid to cover how I was really feeling. And, I get it not to spread the bad mojo either. I do put on a happy face most of the time. I really have nobody to talk to about this accept for you guys. (Thank you!!) I'm familiar w. that psychology. I'm very good at caring for others and making others feel good. It comes natural. My daughter says I am the best mum! lol...and I am. I guess the karmic return is slow on the uptake? I don't think I am being dependant at all on him emotionally when I'm doing most of the giving and always wanting space and time for myself. I believe in quality time not quantity. I just want to know that I'm not in love alone! So...I cranked it out to him again for over the dozenth time, and he came home warm and kissy. But then that lasts for the week or sometimes, just the night and then its back to the emotionally mundane existance I refuse to accept as our relationship. But maybe that's all it is. Thanks for writing about my issue. Feel free to add more input!
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A
female
reader, Maryann6873 +, writes (10 November 2007):
Dr. John gave good advice. When this was happening to me and it still is, but definitely not as bad, I went out and bought myself some nice clothes, and pampered myself. I forced myself to do this. I didn't think I was worth it. Once I got myself looking better, I felt better.
Granite, I haven't lost any weight since my baby, in fact I've gained, but by taking care of myself, I fell better. I've learned to control my emotions, because instead of being codepenent on my boyfriend, I started making my own schedule. I started going out with my friends and I told him that if he is unable to show me love, then I will find someone else to flatter me. Well, I wouldn't suggest anyone to that if they're married, but this gave me more confidence, because men did pick up on me and it felt nice. No one is worth having a low self-esteem over.
I know that you said you've talked to him, but have you told him excatly what you've told us? If you have, then you're right, he doesn't love you, like he says he does. He probably is confused with how he feels and thinks that he just isn't in love with you. This is no excuse on his part. People fall in and out of love all the time and need to find a way to rekindle the romance. Tell him this.
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A
male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (10 November 2007):
 It is difficult to have to deal with all these kinds of problems.
However, the place to start is in your own mind. Your own self esteem may need work but that is just the seed of the tree.
It may be difficult but you need to smile even when you don't feel like smiling. Don't let anyone know you are feeling bad.
You know, this kind of feeling is contagious even to yourself. You will find that people will want to be around you all the time because you will make them feel better as well as yourself.
You may be surprised at the good things that can and probably will happen to you if you make this change.
If anyone asks me how I am, I just tell them; "I'm great! If I was any better I would be twins!"
When you bring up your self worth this way you tend to naturally try harder for yourself like losing weight or wearing makeup when you normally would not. Give it a try and see what happens. I sincerly hope it helps. Doc
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