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My husband does not support me emotionally

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 July 2007) 3 Answers - (Newest, 11 June 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Within the first three years of my 18 year marriage I moved 100 miles away from home, stayed on my own 7 days a week while my husband renovated an old house,got moved in 2 weeks before my Mum died and five weeks before I gave birth to my second child. Family rows followed. I was depressed but I didn't know it. As I've never had anyone to rely on for child care and I'm not skilled I stayed home to look after the kids. I've done courses to improve my employability but my confidence is 0. I still feel the need to talk about my family even though I don't have any contact with them, except one relative. I never had any support from my in-laws either. As we've never went out much here we've never made friends here. When I need to talk he shows little interest and says hes bored with me going on about the past. But I've made a lot of progress by myself working my way out of depression. I don't talk about stuff now like I did before. When I feel I've made a move forward and realize something that used to bother me doesn't anymore I like to share my thoughts. I only have my husband to confide in but I'm not sure he wants me to move on even though he says he does because when I want to talk about something it ends in a row and always has for years. I don't feel I have a soul mate or best friend I think i need to learn to live another way but don't know how. Please tell me what should do ?

View related questions: best friend, confidence, depressed, move on, moved in, soulmate

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A female reader, Melody E United Kingdom +, writes (11 June 2009):

Hello.

I feel for you alot. Having no support from your own family is very difficult. I too have struggled with this so I know exactly how it feels.

I am concerned that you feel so alone and that you have dealt with this depression all alone. I feel very strongly that it is not good for your mental health to be keeping your feelings inside. You need to talk and if your husband is not willing to, I urge you to approach your GP. I know that it seems like a lot of bother to go and disclose all of your problems to a GP, but in the long run it would help immensly.

You need to be aware of the fact that you are a mother yourself and you need to make yourself strong in order to bring up your child in the best way possible.

I am sorry that you are having these problems with your partner. Perhaps you could get your partner to go along to the GP with you. You need to be straight with him and let him know exactly how your feeling.

My darling, if you keep things bottled up, they will explode, and I am sure you do not want that to happen.

Please please seek proffesional advice. I almost lost my children, because I suffered depression and did not seek help for it. Please please get yourself some help.

Being alone and being depressed are not a good match.

I hope you get on ok!! Please feel free to mail me back.

Take care.

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A female reader, Rosary United States +, writes (10 July 2007):

Rosary agony auntHello. I completely agree with your previous July 10th response. Wonderful advice. It is time to set daily goals that are attainable for you and take it step by step. Why do I say this? I am doing the same thing. I am re-creating my life into the masterpiece that is right for me. My dear you deserve happiness but you must look for it and fight for it if necessary. You are NOT alone! You may talk to me or enter your post on this site. I am new but it contains the world's kindest human beings. It is time to take charge of your life--step by step. Take baby steps as I am doing. I know that you can create a beautiful life for yourself and so can I. Don't forget--take baby steps. Inch by inch everything is a cinch! Smiles to you. Be well and happy. Rosary

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2007):

My goodness when I read your post it was like reading something about myself and my own situation and I am compelled to respond if only to say - you are not alone! I have a tendency to feel depressed and isolation plays a big factor in this as alone with your thoughts is a bad place to be. My in-laws have been more like outlaws - shunning me because I have not done things in the right way. You have suffered loss and gone through major changes in quick succession - do not underestimate these things as they stock pile. I do not have quick solutions to the problems you have but I have found exercise - particularly dancing (Ceroc or Salsa) - really lifts my spirits and is social contact in a safe environment. I am also told off about talking about the past but a depressed person needs to process these feelings with someone who is supportive. Your husband sounds quite volatile and, I hope you don't mind me suggesting (only because I too have tolerated the same for too long) that he may be a little controlling... you modify your behaviour to keep the peace and keep things bottled up because it ends up in an argument otherwise. Watch out for this. Your mental health is vitally important and you must feel like you are treading water, existing and not moving forward. The trouble is it is easy to feel trapped and unable to make big decisions - because one thing is tangled up in something else. My very best advice is to set manageable goals for each day and each week so that you can feel like you have achieved something. There is a great book, which you can read and 'do' in a weekend called My or Your (can't remember which) Best Year Yet. Its great and really helps you to re-focus and think about your own interests. Please also use this website to cover any other issues or problems - I have found it to be brilliant - especially when friends are thin on the ground. Above all be kind to yourself. Everything you have done is a totally normal and human response.

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