A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello Need some advice.My boyfriend at the time who is now my husband separated for a little over a year. We have recently gotten married and are happy. Until I found out that the girl he was dating had a baby, and she says that it is his. Needless to say I am crushed. It happened while we were seperated but my question is should I stay? I think about it all the time. The one time she and I spoke she was rude, and said horrible things about me, and said that she could have sex with him anytime she likes. We also have a child together. What should I do???? I do not think I can ever accept this child....
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone. First of all I would like to thank everyone who took the time to answer my question. I decided to try and stay with my husband and work it out. It is very hard for me. I have no outside children, my husband and I share one child together. Even though I have decided to make an effort to accept and love this child I can not help but feel cheated. I feel as though I have gotten the short end of the stick in this complicated situation. But I will try, thanks again and I will keep everyone posted on our progress.
A
female
reader, Fade878  +, writes (10 October 2007):
 Kermit of course.
It's a statement of fact and predictable of men which I like. Predictability, consistency can foster stability, trust.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (6 October 2007):
 Thanks. ...I think?
-Frank B Kermit (I assume you meant K instead of H)
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A
female
reader, Fade878 +, writes (5 October 2007):
Some men are so practical. :P @ Hermit
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (5 October 2007):
Firstly, get a dna test to find out if it is really his. She could be wrong or lying.
Next, you were separated. I know you don't like it, but what did you expect? People date others when they separate.
If he cheated on you, I could understand your resentment, however, he did not cheat. You were separated.
Start with the dna test, and then take it from there. Do NOT obligate yourselves for legal reasons UNTIL you know for sure, otherwise you could become financialy liable for a child that is not his.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (5 October 2007):
 Why can't you accept the child? You're talking about a child. A real person who came into this world innocent. This child that may have been born of the two of them, came without having anything to do with their actions.
You say I'm happy, should I stay. Of course not, I think all happy people should leave their happy little lives and find a miserable place to go. Come on! I could just see it:
"Your honor, I seek a divorce from my husband whom I am happily married too."
I always thought marriage was for better or worse? You were separated for a year so this didn't happen within infidelity. As I said this child may not be part of both of you, but it is part of your husband. I want you to think for a minute. How would you feel if you came into the relationship with the child you both share now, and after getting married your husband decided he wasn't going to accept the fact that you had a child, or accept the child?
Now, I want you to stop for a minute. Let's look at the other part here. The other woman. You're married, she isn't, and having a child does not give continued access to sex with the father of the baby. Now the reason I want you to slow up a bit with your thinking. How many people would say to a married women that they can bone on their husband anytime they want. I think someone with a screw loose upstairs. I highly recommend before you drive yourself crazy, a paternity test is requested.
Don't think at all I am saying it's not his child. And I do think all though not yours, all children deserve to be loved, given a stable environment to grow and have a real chance at a good successful life. But people who don't accept them cause quite a few lifetime mental issues in children that they carry on to adulthood. That's not right for the child, and not your right to impose on a young child. What would you answer to your child when asked, "why don't you accept my sibling?" You're child may begin thinking "she doesn't accept him, so I don't know if she really accepts me." Not a good thought for a child to grow up thinking.
OK back to what I was saying. That one statement is a possessive statement. A statement of control. When she says she can have at your man, their is something there that is not right with her. You might find the same behavior in a "trap" pregnancy. I'll tell ya, out of millions of women he could have chosen during the separation, he picked a winner.
Anyway, take care. And love ALL children.
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A
female
reader, Fade878 +, writes (5 October 2007):
We humans beings are capable of so much and can overcome anything. Yes anything.
It would wound something terrible to struggle with the knowledge that someone you loved-abandoned you for selfish reasons and in his time, did not make wise choices.
The consequences of his decision cannot be undone.
Forgiveness if key if you truly love your husband.
I think what you are scared of is what the vindictive woman had to say about your now husband. Can he be trusted? Should he?
Have you thought to get some couples counselling to help you both address this matter and heal together?
I think that is a good choice. Your husband needs to be strong and accountable and be willing to work through this with you.
You both can come out of the healing as a stronger couple with greater trust in one another.
Then maybe you can address weither or not you both will be prepared to get tests done to verify paternity.
Their is an innocent child that did not ask to be brought into this situation where he now faces never having a loving relationship with his Dad; his Dad may be the only positive influence in his life and his Dad's wife may be the only loving example of how a mother and wife should be.
I wish you the best.
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