A
female
age
36-40,
*ay
writes:i am 24 years old and i've been with my husband for nearly 3 years. when we met i knew he liked porn, but it wasnt a problem for me at that time because we were having sex. but soon i became pregnant and the sex stopped. Even long after having my child, we still werent having sex. This made me very angry and feel unwanted. I then discovered he was up late nights watching porn and masturbating. I was very insulted! Especially since i had been waiting for him to initiate sex with me for seven weeks! Now fast-forward to today, Since then i have gone so far as to install computer spy-ware to see what hes doing..And he goes beyond that to hide it even more. Im hurt, confused, frustrated, and horny: If I make a fuss about us not having sex, only then will he be intimate with me... But I feel disgusting almost as if im forcing him to do it. I know I can get a great guy that loves me and wants to be with me only and not the porno stars. My husband tells me he loves me and that theres nothing wrong with me, but continues to choose masturbation over sex. He says sex isnt everything in a relationship and he may be right, but he's constantly looking at porn websites and tries to hide it. It's now to the point where i believe hes cheating on me. Im at my witz end with this and im ready to leave..
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2010): Ask him (don't join him watching) what he likes to see. Tell him it is important that he be honest and graphic. For example "oral sex to cum-in-mouth with anal/prostate fingering". If it is not harmful to you (bdsm, violent, etc) do what he enjoys. It may not eliminate porn but your situation will improve. If it doesn't, you have a decision to make.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (30 June 2010):
 Sounds like the egg-lover found out where eggs come from.
Or what caviar really is.
He got spooked by the baby and doesn't want to stick his dick where his son/daughter came from.
If you want to save this relationship (and it might be to late considering your tone) then you BOTH need to start talking again. Give him the space and freedom to talk about HIS feelings (women LOVE to claim they want to talk about feelings but rarely about how the guy feels, instead you often want the guy to talk about the feelings you want him to have).
He is locked in his macho shell unable to express his fear for the teeth in your vagina, and you are locked in your female shell of being unable to understand he might have had his worldview upturned when you turned from a girlfriend into a mother.
Start talking, both of you and leave room for the other to show their fears and worries. Or kiss this relationship goodbye.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): I think men have problems with seeing the mother of their child in a sexual way. It's definitely a sign of immaturity, but it's like they suddenly long for a life or a sexual fantasy that excludes the responsibility of marriage and family. Consider it a mid-life crisis. I think it would be smart for you to do two things:
1. Seek therapy so this problem doesn't turn into other unhealthy behaviors.
2. When you both have a moment, grab him and fuck the shit out of him...don't ask, don't hesitate - be aggressive. That's often what men who watch a lot of porn want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): Have you made it clear to him that this is a relationship threatening issue? Men who are new fathers often have uncomfortable feelings about having sex. Will they hurt the woman etc. They have mentally changed her from sexual being to mother, all sorts of reasons. Or they feel they are not getting the attention they want. This could just be a phase but it is obviously making you paranoid and damaging your self esteem. It can be hard to make men get the fact that it isn’t just moaning, it is a direct assault on the wellbeing on their relationships.
He needs to hear you and stop, rebuild the trust and intimacy with you. Then maybe if he does the odd bit you will put it in perspective as you were able to before. Too much is an addiction, it is sexburgers and it isn’t good for real relationships. It causes cravings, dehumanises the reality of a good nurturing sex life. Kind of brain washing. Having an orgasm over porn is not an achievement, it means nothing in life, but keeping a relationship good is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): Weell, The thing to do is to not worry to much and confrount him. Tell him that you are not happy, but whatever you do keep your son/daughter happy because they can start getting worried and start looking around fr things. Take them out on little trips and but them thigs, to keep them out of the way. Try and through out all of your husbands porn and block the website and rude TV channels, because your son/daughter may start to watch them when they are older.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 June 2010):
 First; porn is just fantasy so you can't be jealous of something that's not real. and second; perhaps you've just not provided for his "needs" Men have completly diferent "needs" than women. Women seem to "need" cuddling and goo-goo talk while men need to see and touch the body more. there's no big problem here that I can see other than petty jealosy ove something that's no real. He can't touch or feel the images only project them unto himself.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (30 June 2010):
Hes prob not cheating, at least not based on this evidence.
Porn is a strong short-term reward feedback system, as is alcohol and drugs. This is why it can be an addiction, which it sounds like he has. Just google "porn addiction" and you will find perhaps more than you want to know, but it will probably apply to your current situation.
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