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My husband cheated on me and now I can't get the image of this other woman out of my head!

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 August 2007) 24 Answers - (Newest, 6 March 2012)
A age 51-59, * writes:

How can I get over intimacy difficulties, after my husband had an affair with someone I know, 4 months ago. I am finding it increadibly hard not to be effected by thoughts of him with this other woman, even when he kisses me! I freak out when he wants to "be with me" now, the affair is over but how long and will this difficulty of mine take to overcome? Or am I making things even harder to repair now. He has been very patient and is not pushing me in any way, but this seems to me to be something "huge" to overcome for me.

Any advice on what to do with these difficult emotions?

View related questions: affair, cheated on me

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A female reader, Alliegoblue United States +, writes (6 March 2012):

A -

I feel for you! The most difficult time following the affair seems to be after a few months for many... By this time, the initial shock has died down, but the post traumatic stress starts to creep in.

When will things be the way they were? Likely, never. Even if you could pick up all the pieces and glue them back together, they would only resemble how things used to be, how safe and loved you used to feel.

Rather than try to get back to a place that has been destroyed, you need to ask yourself whether you want to develop a new, somewhat different intimate space with this man who did the unthinkable to your relationship.

Is he truly sorry? Is he pressuring you at all? You may have felt very comfortable with physical intimacy and perhaps you had a great sex life. And now? You cannot find that joy in physical touch. What was most comforting is now a very real threat to your emotional stability.

If you choose to move ahead with this man, your only path is to be honest with him about your struggles. Figure out what you need in order to feel loving and attracted to him. And let yourself off the hook for having problems with the memories and the fears. He shattered your reality and as you are picking up the pieces your gut is telling you to rebuild in such a way that protects you from ever going through that again.

I strongly, strongly urge you to do some therapy - not couples therapy, but something for yourself alone. The impact of an affair has a long lasting, often devastating impact on your confidence and your sexual health (in terms of how you feel about being sexual). As strong as you believe you are (and you sound very strong, since it has been 4 months and you are trying so hard!), you need and deserve someone on the outside of this pain to help you on your journey.

Remember you cannot be in intimate contact with a partner emotionally or physically until you can have intimate contact with your own emotions and heal that pain that was caused by the betrayal.

Love yourself. Give yourself the same comfort and understanding that you would give a friend in this situation. After 4 months he is very lucky you are making any effort at all. It takes a very long time to heal, and the process is very, very slow.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010):

i found out my husband cheated on me whilst i was pregnant and just after i gave birth to my twins, mine is a long storey but i saw it coming a mile off, i had asked him to keep his distance from this person but it would seem he just couldnt help himself. I still love my husband but i am so full off anger and hate and resentment for the both of them it just consumes me, the antidepressesants i take just space me out so i cant function which makes me not take them and i just cry all the time, sitting up at nite wondering what happened, i know its my husbands fault but the feelings of her wanting to feel as bad as i do are overwhelming me, although my husbands says he can hardley live with himself for what he has done to me and the kids i feel like i will never trust him or get over what he has done. I feel like my life has been ruined and for what? I just dont understand why and i dont think i ever will i just hope that time really does heal.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010):

I have MS too! I was diagnosed about 2 years ago and found out my husband cheated on me 5 years ago. We've been married 33 years!(married when we were 19) It happened 20 years ago with a coworker of his while they were in Key West on a business trip. I had NO IDEA at the time. A year later, I got a phone call from my dr and found out that I was pregnant (with our third child) AND that I had an STD called CHLAMYDIA! I didn't even know what that was! Since I hadn't had sex with anyone else, my husband must have. I called him at work, crying hysterically. He denied it and said the test must have been wrong. He was MAD at the dr for upsetting me! He called the dr and in a few minutes the dr called me back and said that he had "researched it further" and found that there was a 5% "margin of error", but just to be on the safe side, he wanted us to take the antibiotics anyway, they wouldn't hurt the baby. I felt relieved, but in the back of my mind I always wondered... Fast forward 15 years later - I was now an elementary school teacher. (I was in college when I found out I was pregnant) I'll never forget the look on the other (younger and single) teachers faces. We were having lunch in the teacher's lunchroom and they were talking about one of them dating a guy that gave her chlamydia and him telling her the test must be wrong, and they all started laughing. And I said, "No, it's true, there is a 5% margin of error." They all stopped laughing and just STARED at me, and then looked at each other and started laughing again! I felt a sick feeling in my stomach. I went home that day and started doing research (now its so easy with the "age of the computers" - didn't have one back then!) I felt like a FOOL! I decided I would confront my husband. His attitude would determine whether I stayed or left. I was a teacher now, my 2 daughters were getting married that summer, so I could support myself and my son if I had to. (I didn't know I had MS yet, although I was having some "weird" unexplained things happening to me medically.) I waited until after the reception of my first daughter's wedding (the alcohol helped give me some courage). We were getting ready for bed when I told him about the conversation the other teachers and I had had. (I didn't ASK if he had cheated - I told him I KNEW he had) I told him that if he told me the truth, I wouldn't leave him. He told me it was that girl he worked with back then, that they were both drunk (from doing the "Duvall Crawl" in Key West) and before he knew what was happening she was all over him...blah, blah, blah...He cried, and seemed truly sorry, especially about the chlamydia, and said he was so afraid I'd leave him back then, that he begged that dr to call me back and tell me the "margin of error" story. Since he seemed so sorry, I decided to stay. It's a good thing I did, because the next year I had to quit teaching and found out I had MS. Now, I can't work and am totally dependent on him. MS is a progressive disease, you don't get better, you get worse. Someday, (maybe sooner than later) he will have to push me around in a wheelchair and change my diaper! I guess what I'm trying to say is, who knows what the future holds? I don't know why he cheated, I thought we were totally happy. He doesn't really know why he cheated either. He said it wasn't anything I was or wasn't doing, it just happened, the opportunity was there, I guess. So, I say, if it is a one time thing and he seems really sorry, forgive and forget (that part is hard, I admit). You will have to work at helping your marriage "heal". One of my MS symptoms is "low (or NO) libido". My husband thought because I was never "in the mood" that I didn't love him anymore. Once he found out that it was the MS doing this to me, he could deal with it better. Men NEED sex, some more than others. Really, its an "animal instinct" and humans are basically animals. (I know this sounds crude, but it's true) So, I try really hard to remember to "pay attention" to him. But, I don't know that I can ever totally trust him again, so, I try to minimize the "opportunities" he could be having.:) Good luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010):

One point:

These losers do not deserve you.

Do not waste your thoughts with sadness.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010):

I am 31 years old.... I married my high school sweet heart I gave him the best of me everything and I loved him mre than myself he was the center of my world but about a mount ago I found out he cheated on me after thirteen years. About a year ago he told me he was not happy anymore and we should take some time apart, so I left our house with our two kids... and averymonth I would ask him if we were going to fix things or not and he will always give me a "I AM NOT READY YET" But he would spend time with me and we promised we would not date anybody we were still married we had sex and actually the sex got alot better but he could never make a decision so time pass by and like I said about a mount ago I found out he cheated on me and he was actually still having a realtionship with her.... I was devastated...I felt my world ended He came clean but I don't believe he did completelly so I wanted to know everything who she was, how, and why? even his best friend spilled the beans...I decide to stay but I am ahving the worst time trying to forgive and forget I love my husband with all my heart now my heart is broken in a million pieces and like all of you I have pictures in my head of them doing things I became bitter and angry he didn't really change much I actually believe he is sorry for not been discreate enough but I found out so many things is so painful all our friends knew but they deciede to cover his ass...And my husband would brag about this girls is so disgusting everytime I think about it it makes me sick... She is 26 and is a sheriff deputy so he works with my husband he is a director from a small jail in town.... and I feel averybody we know just feel sorry for me... I just want to die... but my two little ones need me and they love me so much....I am miserable in this relatonship last night i turned out to be the worst fight ever... He almost choke me and he blaim me for what happen he told me He wanted to beat the F out of me cuz I don't stop bringing things out I wish I would just have some time for me and maybe this would of never happen.....but is awfull that we suffer for the actions of the people we love the must we have to make it work not them....In my case I tried but I couldnt and I will suggest If u can't forgive and forget just leave the realtionship at the end We the wifes always suffer....Ask God for strenth He is the only one who can make you happy and yur kids....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010):

My husband cheated 8 years ago,and it still hurts like it was yeaterday. He really has changed a lot, and is putting us, his family, first, but it's just too late. I didn't leave at the time because I ended up getting deathly ill, and physically couldn't do it. While I was in the hospital, he was the perfect man. He said all of the right things. So I stayed. 8 years later, I still get nautious when I hear her name. I can't celebrate our anniversary, because on our 5th, he sent her an e mail telling her he wanted to move their relationship to the next level. (In other words, sleep with her) They did so many things like, camping, kayaking etc. and now, the thought of doing any of that with him makes me want to vomit. We never make love. Once in a while we have sex, but I have to close my eyes and pretend he is someone else, otherwise, I picture him with her. I have finally started planning my leave. I have been dreaming of doing it for years, but I've been too weak, and financially I would never have been able to do it. I went back to school, and I am almost finished my course. As soon as I get a job, I will tell him that it's over. It will be the most empowering thing of my life! I definitely have something to look forward to. For everyone that recently found out that your husband is cheating, get out asap. You will never forget.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010):

I can understand...I'm going through the same thing now. The twist to my story is the person who he cheated on with, he stills talks to and has no problem saying he is not going to stop because they work together. I'm trying to forget everything but last night when we kissed, I couldn't help but have thoughts of them in my head. To end...I have no solution to our problem. Good Luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2010):

Well, All these cheating incidences are mostly after a marriage life of more then ten years at the least. But, what happens when it's just six years? surely in 6 years if there is a mutual love like I thought there is its insane to do aything. I would ever cheat on him. I know I won't because I love him. But how much do I really love him now I don't know. I found out he phones these women all the time and many nights I stay up looking at him asleep while I'm imagining all these scenarios in my head. We have two gorgeous children. A girl and a boy and I love them most of all. But this has happened over and over again. I know I sound so weak and desperate but I don't want to hurt the children at all. They love him to pieces, and so does he. They love him so much the little boy comes out of his bed every night to sleep next to him. I'm so lost ad so Hurt. I don't think it'll ever get easier

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A female reader, Poison Apples United States +, writes (26 March 2010):

My husband of 13 years cheated on me with a woman at work. I suspected something was going on so I went through his phone and saw that he had sent a picture of his penis to her. Then I found out that he had 3 or more dating profiles, one of which is on Ashley Madison, a place to go for discreet, extramarital affairs. So, now he's kissing my @$$, saying he's sorry, being romantic and I HATE HIM with the white hot fiery of a thousand suns. We went to therapy. It worked for hi

but not for me. I was put on all these medications for depression an anxiety only for it to numb me to the point that I didn't feel anything. that would otherwise be a good thing except we have 2 young boys and the meds made it so I didn't feel anything for them. Then I met someone else and began my own affair. This man saved me, pulled me up out of the abyss that my husband sank me to. I don't recommend everyone taking this path but it's the only way I didn't have visions of my husband with all these other women. My affair ended without my husband eve finding out, but I smile everyday now. It empowered me. What comes around goes around.

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A female reader, cazandco United Kingdom +, writes (9 August 2009):

Hi I just wanted to know what stage you are at now.

I found out my husband, my rock the love of my life, my soul mate, well so I believed, cheated on me.

I had an annonymous phone call telling me he'd been having an affair and the bitch concerned was pregnant.

I asked him and he denied it. I never had any reason to think that he was having an affair and couldn't understand why someone would make it up.

A month later I got a letter, this time giving me names and details.

He finally admitted it. It had been going on a year. I had been unaware as he had been visiting her while I was at work.

The hardest part was the fact that she was pregnant. We don't have children together. He had never been able to get previous partners pregnant and I had been sterilised before I met him.

So after 11 years together, and him being a father to my children, this bombshell was dropped.

A paternity test earlier this year proved the child is his. We now have to provide for the child, which he asked her to terminate but she refused as it was proof of his affair with her.

He has nothing to do with the child. I basically told him it or me. I will not stop him ever from seeing it, but I will not remain in his life if his choice is to be involved.

We have had demands he sees the child, despite saying in the very early stages of pregnancy that he would not be involved. We have been asked for money for a people carrier so she can drive that child along with her other 4 child around. (I have to work to keep my car).

She has started driving round near my house with the child despite me living almost 10 miles away-I feel to rub my face in what they have done.

She begged him to leave me and when he woouldn't she told him she would tell me to make sure I left him.

It's been just over a year since I discovered what happened.

I have seriously considered suicide, my childrens faces stop me!

Sometimes I have this rage that eats me up and I don't know how to act!

I have thought if I left him I would get over it easier but I wouldn't.

He begs me to forgive him.

He wanted to celebrate our wedding anniversary 2 days ago and I feel that the best day of my life is now null and void because everything I believed it stood for is destroyed. How do you celebrate that?

I can get intimate with him, but I switch off and pretend I am somewhere else. It's the only way I can do it.

He was the love of my life. He is now the causer of the worst pain I have ever felt

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A female reader, AMK2000 United States +, writes (13 March 2009):

I curious how this is working out for you. I just found out that my husband cheated on me with his ex, whom he has a child with (we have 4 as well). Insanely enough, we are in the process of trying to take custody of their child from her and that is how it came out. He claims he only did it once, I don't know her side, but something tells me otherwise. I am lost.....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2008):

How DO I get the image of the other woman out of my head?

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A female reader, Broken Mustang United States +, writes (8 December 2008):

I am dealing with the same issue as you and I found out a year and a half ago. Everytime he touches me I picture her face. When he tells me he loves me i get this rage inside me that wont go away. He says I just want to go back to normal. Well what is normal anymore for a woman that has been cheating on nothing is normal anymore. I have been married for 12 years and have 2 kids. I am currently going to a counsleor for this. It does help. It still hasn't changed in the intimacy department though I honestly don't know how to get that back either. I have tried a few times and saw her face the whole time ended up in tears after and actually felt worse. So for me right now until I figure out where to go from here there is no intimacy and if he doesnt like it he can get out because he is the one that caused this. I tried everything to help my self esteem since thats what took the biggest blow. You can change your weight, hair, clothes everything but its just a temporary fix. You have to choose whether you want to live miserable with all these feelings and try to make it work even though you did nothing wrong or just move on. Or completely forgive.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008):

Have any of you received contact from the other woman, after he promised to end the affair; found evidence that he was still in constant contact with this woman; had to deal with him and this woman having children; forcing him to sign everything over into your name( but saying it was to protect you all's assets from the other woman); changed phone numbers to keep the other woman from calling? It's been almost two months since the other woman called and told me that she and my husband had been in a two plus year relationship and had two kids together. I know my husband loves his children with her and misses being with them every day, but I want him to have contact with them through the courts and not with her. He claimed to have ended the relationship this week, that's when I changed the numbers, he was sick and I went through his phone that is when I discovered after the last time he promised to end it and I had threatened him and given Ultimatiums that he hasn't. He claims to love me, but I know he has to feel something for her. I am so hurt and bitter 12 years of marriage, now he has told every one about her and the boys; I just found out that his sister and father has known for some time now about the babies and only God knows who else. I want to save my marriage, but I don't know if it's the years or to keep him from her. I am confused, I don't really want him touching me and to make matters worse I don't have any children with him biologically, I adopted his and two weeks ago I had surgery and I won't be able to have any. He even confided in her about my surgery and other things I have told him, since she brought the affair to my attention.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for your insight - and how fate tends to bring timing into play when one is going through some major decisions. The last two postings have come to me at a critical time of my relationship now and I would like the last anon poster to perhaps send me a private message.

I cannot reply directly and would like to talk to the last poster if poss.

The one thing which I would like to plead with people who choose the decision to betray and cheat on someone they say they really do not want to loose and love. Whether anyone is willing to admit or likes it or not, the impact of ADULTERY CHANGES YOUR LIFE FOREVER.

Please people take better care of your loved ones, friends and family. Take special care not to loose something important to you.

Thank you all on this site for the support I have been given.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008):

My Dear,

I can tell you from experience, you can forgive, but you will never, never forget what he has done. After 18 years of marriage, I caught my husband cheating. I suspected there had been other times, but never caught him. I tried for several months to live with him and make it work, but the pain was too great. All I wanted to do was punish him for what he had done. Ending my marriage was worse than death. At least death is final. With him still around and visiting our 4 children after I ask him to leave was unbearable. I remarried, and so did he 3 times, but it didn't work out. After my 10 year marriage which ended in divorce, we remarried 2 years later. Today, we are married, but I still am insecure about him going off on trips alone, which he does not understand. The pain returns and I always wonder, is he going to do it again?

We are presently thinking about divorce. He thinks that he does not deserve my mistrust. DUH!

So, if you think that it goes away, it does not. If you can live with that, stay and try to work it out. But remember, it will be you that has to deal with it. He will think that saying "I'm sorry", will fix it. Men are not like women, unless it happens to them. If the shoe were on the other foot, you can bet your sweet biffy that he could not live with it. It is ok for men, but not women, to cheat and be expected to forgive and forget.

One way to bring your self esteem back is to get a new look, change your hair color, style of dressing, loose weight if needed, workout, run, or do anything to make yourself feel better, because you will not get it from him. These changes will make him wonder what you are doing without you having to out and belittle yourself by having an affair.

Good Luck and get support from your true friends.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008):

my husband has cheated several times on me and I think he is currently sleeping with another women. Of course he has NEVER owned up to it. My oldest 12 yr old girl hates her dad knowing he screws around she was 5 when it started! I do not know why I stay... I cry often and hurt always!

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A female reader, beencheated United States +, writes (3 September 2007):

I know exactly how you feel and what you are having a hard time with, I just found out my husband also cheated on me more than once, I knew about one because he told me about it about 3 years later then I actually caught him with another woman while we were camping, of course they didn't have intercourse, I knew in my heart something happened but of course I got the all i did was take my shirt off. Almost 4 years later I was still visioning the incedent and looked online for cheating and there was this site that gave the top 10 clues to tell if he's lying and lord almighty he had 9 of them, so I said something to him about a lie detecter test and he got all defensive about it and how embarrassing it is and it's no ones bussiness, well it was in a public place you chose to take off your shirt, hello well so I dropped it until he got home and I again said about the test and he finally came clean with more than I bargained for, he is willing to do anything to save our marriage and of course he doesn't know why he did it and he won't do it again the one thing he always was to me and everyone was honest and wow is this a shock.. He is willing for counseling and whatever it takes to save our marriage but I cannot trust him nor do I want to, I am sure there is anything here worth saving even though I love him and we have 3 children, 13 year marriage. How can you possibly save this marriage now. I see the man I have loved for many years and I also see a big ole sack of crap, trying to watch my laungage...I have not involved our children in this mess he created, I have also started counseling for myself to deal with the insecurities I now have and the hatred, hurt, rage, bitterness. I do love him but yet I can't, won't be able to trust him ever again..what can be done?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for comments so far. It has only been 4 months for me but even today, after my latest posting that I could feel a bit of tension between us, him wanting to be physical and me hopping out of bed!. He didn't say anything or try hard but I know him so well I could tell he wanted more. He is not confortable about this I think now, he's horny! Will this make him do it again to me?

This is the hardest thing I have ever experianced, even when I got the illness two years ago. It feels like something has stolen my life away, the hardest thing I have had to do in my life, at that is to forgive him!. The crazy thing is I know he is guttered about what he has done, but not sure if it will be enough to truly get me back, at the moment he has broken me into pieces. I, used to be, increadibly strong, independent and onto it, but this has sucked the hell out of who I was. I honestly can't leave, I have MS, need someone close to care for me on the bad days, and don't work and now have no money, I need his income to help pay the mortgage, dog is dying and things are totally upheaved now. Up until 4 months ago I thought at least my "rock" was there for me threw the shitty stuff. I had no worries at all about this happening. His best friends partner, while his mate was asleep, in my home, while I popped out of town for the first time in years for 3 days! What's that all about? Just slutty, slutty, slutty!

I actually do know he loves me, but maybe not enough or the type of love that will not make him want to hurt me so badly. I know I wasn't supposed to find out, but he wanted to and happy to keep it his and her secret!. Love clearly has a different impact for behaviours on people in different ways. Something like this makes you identify the type of love you thought you had and what it really was. Mine was total, complete with no desires to "detour".

I feel stuck and with no other options now other than to "let it go" but I am so angry and hurt that he did this to me it is hard to find an emotion stronger than the pain to repair things. What shits me now is that I am starting to feel sort of guilty for not moving on and this is causing me resentment that it seems to be the victim who has to do all the work to move on. Also, truly, how accurate is the "once a cheater, always a cheater" and what would the concensus be on how you would identify in a cheater, his committment to stop. Can they be "fixed" or is that a dream of mine. We have started couples therapy, but I am drained by the overwhelming realisation and impact of what he has done.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007):

It takes as long as it takes, I know that's not helpful but it really does depend on the situation. Trust is entirely possible to get back. The main determining factor that we have found is that if the infidelity was a complete surprise then generally the person finds it much harder to get over it or accept it. If there were signs of emotional distance, problems in the marriage, then people tend to overcome the pain and can trust again easier.

It's perfectly natural though that you feel those kind of thoughts when he wants to kiss or be intimate with you. Four months is not a huge amount of time either, in the greater scheme of things. It does sound really encouraging that he is being patient and supportive, there are other situations similar to you where the cheating person shows no remorse and in fact makes the situation even more difficult for the person who is coming to terms with it all.

What you are going through is "huge" and you shouldn't feel that it isn't. I think you are a strong and an admirable person for pursuing through this. And unlike some of the other advice, I really do think if you can work through this with your husband you will be in a much better situation than if you decide to end the marriage.

Betrayals in a relationship like this are of ultimate pain, but marriages can and do survive them, and when they do it can even bring the people closer together.

Give it some more time, and see how things continue to go. I am sure it will get easier, rather than harder. All the best with whatever you decide to do.

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A male reader, UnknownEntity United Kingdom +, writes (24 August 2007):

UnknownEntity agony aunthello,

i may not be an expert on this but my mum n dad got divorced because some bint had an affair with my dad,

i know it wasnt just her, it takes 2 to tango...

i actually dont hate my dad at all its like its all on her...

since u never said u have/dont have children i assume u dont have any chains that are shackleing u 2 together,

once a cheater allways a cheater, lose the baggage while u can...

cuz he will end up doing it again n again...

i want my dad to cheat with his girlfriend he has now,

so she feels as miserable n gutted as i did an some cases i still do...

-UnknownEntity

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A male reader, DJ8433 United States +, writes (24 August 2007):

DJ8433 agony auntTrust is one of the hardest broken things to repair, if not impossible. Sometimes it's easier to give up. I think if he cheated on you before, he will do it again. The risk is greater for you that he will. I emphasize, you are taking the risk, so it is your choice now to avoid that hurt again or take a chance that he won't do it again. You have a choice to make. Stay with him and forgive him completely or leave him. If you choose to stay, you will have to forgive completely or continue to suffer the pain you are feeling now, and eventually become embittered and end up in divorce eventually or live a miserable existence. If you leave, you will have a chance at finding happiness with someone else that will love and respect you. The worst that could happen is that you stay single and have a great time playing by your rules not anyone elses. If you do leave him, make sure you sleep with his best friend first, tell him how great he was, then file for divorce. That will give him a good taste of what it feels like to be cheated on. You are only in control of yourself, your choices are few. Decide what you want to do and do it. Do not hesitate any longer, life is too short. Live life and love, but most of all, be happy!

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A female reader, Tbabygirl101327 United States +, writes (24 August 2007):

well, sweety i have had the same problem w/ my hubby when he cheated on me . all i can say is try your hardest not to think of it , even though its easier said then done. i used to be not able to kiss him or have sex. because i would think is that how he did it w/ her?but i grew strong and got over the image. and we repaired our relationship a great deal , but we as women have to try to forget that image even though the scar never leaves. and that i can say because ive been there and felt your pain. so sweety try to stay strong to rebuild your relationship back up, but dont let your guard down , but do give it a chance.

best of luck to u..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007):

When my dad cheated on my mom she kicked him out of our house. And me and my sis were little. And I asked where dad was and my mom said that he was in Guadeloupe on vacation. Which he was but only for a month (that's where he had the affair) and the rest of the time he was staying in an apartment close by and at a friends house. This went on for months. But I still saw him and stuff he just didn't live with us.

And then my mom started throwing all these parties for her friends and hanging out with other men after she kicked my dad out. And I found it strange but looking back I think she was just very angry and trying to take this time to figure out what she wanted without crawling into a hole or getting depressed. So that is how she coped with it. And I say good for her.

Eventually my mom let him come back home I guess for the sake of the kids. But she got seperate beds and made him sleep in another bed. And when I asked her why they had seperate beds she said it was because he moved a lot in his sleep.

But his return didn't last for more than a month and I don't think she was capable of ever forgiving him and I don't think he, at that moment, was in a mood to save his marriage. So he just left. (He did eventually come back to her).

All I am saying is that you need time BY YOURSELF and space to think about what you want and if this is something that you can forgive. Just tell him to get out of your sight and use the time to hang out with your friends and vent and heal yourself on your own terms.

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