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age
41-50,
writes: How can I get over intimacy difficulties, after my husband had an affair with someone I know, 4 months ago. I am finding it increadibly hard not to be effected by thoughts of him with this other woman, even when he kisses me! I freak out when he wants to "be with me" now, the affair is over but how long and will this difficulty of mine take to overcome? Or am I making things even harder to repair now. He has been very patient and is not pushing me in any way, but this seems to me to be something "huge" to overcome for me. Any advice on what to do with these difficult emotions?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your insight - and how fate tends to bring timing into play when one is going through some major decisions. The last two postings have come to me at a critical time of my relationship now and I would like the last anon poster to perhaps send me a private message.
I cannot reply directly and would like to talk to the last poster if poss.
The one thing which I would like to plead with people who choose the decision to betray and cheat on someone they say they really do not want to loose and love. Whether anyone is willing to admit or likes it or not, the impact of ADULTERY CHANGES YOUR LIFE FOREVER.
Please people take better care of your loved ones, friends and family. Take special care not to loose something important to you.
Thank you all on this site for the support I have been given.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): My Dear,I can tell you from experience, you can forgive, but you will never, never forget what he has done. After 18 years of marriage, I caught my husband cheating. I suspected there had been other times, but never caught him. I tried for several months to live with him and make it work, but the pain was too great. All I wanted to do was punish him for what he had done. Ending my marriage was worse than death. At least death is final. With him still around and visiting our 4 children after I ask him to leave was unbearable. I remarried, and so did he 3 times, but it didn't work out. After my 10 year marriage which ended in divorce, we remarried 2 years later. Today, we are married, but I still am insecure about him going off on trips alone, which he does not understand. The pain returns and I always wonder, is he going to do it again?We are presently thinking about divorce. He thinks that he does not deserve my mistrust. DUH! So, if you think that it goes away, it does not. If you can live with that, stay and try to work it out. But remember, it will be you that has to deal with it. He will think that saying "I'm sorry", will fix it. Men are not like women, unless it happens to them. If the shoe were on the other foot, you can bet your sweet biffy that he could not live with it. It is ok for men, but not women, to cheat and be expected to forgive and forget.One way to bring your self esteem back is to get a new look, change your hair color, style of dressing, loose weight if needed, workout, run, or do anything to make yourself feel better, because you will not get it from him. These changes will make him wonder what you are doing without you having to out and belittle yourself by having an affair. Good Luck and get support from your true friends.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): my husband has cheated several times on me and I think he is currently sleeping with another women. Of course he has NEVER owned up to it. My oldest 12 yr old girl hates her dad knowing he screws around she was 5 when it started! I do not know why I stay... I cry often and hurt always!
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female
reader, beencheated  +, writes (3 September 2007):
I know exactly how you feel and what you are having a hard time with, I just found out my husband also cheated on me more than once, I knew about one because he told me about it about 3 years later then I actually caught him with another woman while we were camping, of course they didn't have intercourse, I knew in my heart something happened but of course I got the all i did was take my shirt off. Almost 4 years later I was still visioning the incedent and looked online for cheating and there was this site that gave the top 10 clues to tell if he's lying and lord almighty he had 9 of them, so I said something to him about a lie detecter test and he got all defensive about it and how embarrassing it is and it's no ones bussiness, well it was in a public place you chose to take off your shirt, hello well so I dropped it until he got home and I again said about the test and he finally came clean with more than I bargained for, he is willing to do anything to save our marriage and of course he doesn't know why he did it and he won't do it again the one thing he always was to me and everyone was honest and wow is this a shock.. He is willing for counseling and whatever it takes to save our marriage but I cannot trust him nor do I want to, I am sure there is anything here worth saving even though I love him and we have 3 children, 13 year marriage. How can you possibly save this marriage now. I see the man I have loved for many years and I also see a big ole sack of crap, trying to watch my laungage...I have not involved our children in this mess he created, I have also started counseling for myself to deal with the insecurities I now have and the hatred, hurt, rage, bitterness. I do love him but yet I can't, won't be able to trust him ever again..what can be done?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for comments so far. It has only been 4 months for me but even today, after my latest posting that I could feel a bit of tension between us, him wanting to be physical and me hopping out of bed!. He didn't say anything or try hard but I know him so well I could tell he wanted more. He is not confortable about this I think now, he's horny! Will this make him do it again to me?
This is the hardest thing I have ever experianced, even when I got the illness two years ago. It feels like something has stolen my life away, the hardest thing I have had to do in my life, at that is to forgive him!. The crazy thing is I know he is guttered about what he has done, but not sure if it will be enough to truly get me back, at the moment he has broken me into pieces. I, used to be, increadibly strong, independent and onto it, but this has sucked the hell out of who I was. I honestly can't leave, I have MS, need someone close to care for me on the bad days, and don't work and now have no money, I need his income to help pay the mortgage, dog is dying and things are totally upheaved now. Up until 4 months ago I thought at least my "rock" was there for me threw the shitty stuff. I had no worries at all about this happening. His best friends partner, while his mate was asleep, in my home, while I popped out of town for the first time in years for 3 days! What's that all about? Just slutty, slutty, slutty!
I actually do know he loves me, but maybe not enough or the type of love that will not make him want to hurt me so badly. I know I wasn't supposed to find out, but he wanted to and happy to keep it his and her secret!. Love clearly has a different impact for behaviours on people in different ways. Something like this makes you identify the type of love you thought you had and what it really was. Mine was total, complete with no desires to "detour".
I feel stuck and with no other options now other than to "let it go" but I am so angry and hurt that he did this to me it is hard to find an emotion stronger than the pain to repair things. What shits me now is that I am starting to feel sort of guilty for not moving on and this is causing me resentment that it seems to be the victim who has to do all the work to move on. Also, truly, how accurate is the "once a cheater, always a cheater" and what would the concensus be on how you would identify in a cheater, his committment to stop. Can they be "fixed" or is that a dream of mine. We have started couples therapy, but I am drained by the overwhelming realisation and impact of what he has done.
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male
reader, Dr Pete  + ♥, writes (24 August 2007):
 It takes as long as it takes, I know that's not helpful but it really does depend on the situation. Trust is entirely possible to get back. The main determining factor that we have found is that if the infidelity was a complete surprise then generally the person finds it much harder to get over it or accept it. If there were signs of emotional distance, problems in the marriage, then people tend to overcome the pain and can trust again easier.
It's perfectly natural though that you feel those kind of thoughts when he wants to kiss or be intimate with you. Four months is not a huge amount of time either, in the greater scheme of things. It does sound really encouraging that he is being patient and supportive, there are other situations similar to you where the cheating person shows no remorse and in fact makes the situation even more difficult for the person who is coming to terms with it all.
What you are going through is "huge" and you shouldn't feel that it isn't. I think you are a strong and an admirable person for pursuing through this. And unlike some of the other advice, I really do think if you can work through this with your husband you will be in a much better situation than if you decide to end the marriage.
Betrayals in a relationship like this are of ultimate pain, but marriages can and do survive them, and when they do it can even bring the people closer together.
Give it some more time, and see how things continue to go. I am sure it will get easier, rather than harder. All the best with whatever you decide to do.
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male
reader, UnknownEntity +, writes (24 August 2007):
 hello,
i may not be an expert on this but my mum n dad got divorced because some bint had an affair with my dad,
i know it wasnt just her, it takes 2 to tango...
i actually dont hate my dad at all its like its all on her...
since u never said u have/dont have children i assume u dont have any chains that are shackleing u 2 together,
once a cheater allways a cheater, lose the baggage while u can...
cuz he will end up doing it again n again...
i want my dad to cheat with his girlfriend he has now,
so she feels as miserable n gutted as i did an some cases i still do...
-UnknownEntity
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male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (24 August 2007):
 Trust is one of the hardest broken things to repair, if not impossible. Sometimes it's easier to give up. I think if he cheated on you before, he will do it again. The risk is greater for you that he will. I emphasize, you are taking the risk, so it is your choice now to avoid that hurt again or take a chance that he won't do it again. You have a choice to make. Stay with him and forgive him completely or leave him. If you choose to stay, you will have to forgive completely or continue to suffer the pain you are feeling now, and eventually become embittered and end up in divorce eventually or live a miserable existence. If you leave, you will have a chance at finding happiness with someone else that will love and respect you. The worst that could happen is that you stay single and have a great time playing by your rules not anyone elses. If you do leave him, make sure you sleep with his best friend first, tell him how great he was, then file for divorce. That will give him a good taste of what it feels like to be cheated on. You are only in control of yourself, your choices are few. Decide what you want to do and do it. Do not hesitate any longer, life is too short. Live life and love, but most of all, be happy!
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female
reader, Tbabygirl101327 +, writes (24 August 2007):
well, sweety i have had the same problem w/ my hubby when he cheated on me . all i can say is try your hardest not to think of it , even though its easier said then done. i used to be not able to kiss him or have sex. because i would think is that how he did it w/ her?but i grew strong and got over the image. and we repaired our relationship a great deal , but we as women have to try to forget that image even though the scar never leaves. and that i can say because ive been there and felt your pain. so sweety try to stay strong to rebuild your relationship back up, but dont let your guard down , but do give it a chance.
best of luck to u..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007): When my dad cheated on my mom she kicked him out of our house. And me and my sis were little. And I asked where dad was and my mom said that he was in Guadeloupe on vacation. Which he was but only for a month (that's where he had the affair) and the rest of the time he was staying in an apartment close by and at a friends house. This went on for months. But I still saw him and stuff he just didn't live with us. And then my mom started throwing all these parties for her friends and hanging out with other men after she kicked my dad out. And I found it strange but looking back I think she was just very angry and trying to take this time to figure out what she wanted without crawling into a hole or getting depressed. So that is how she coped with it. And I say good for her. Eventually my mom let him come back home I guess for the sake of the kids. But she got seperate beds and made him sleep in another bed. And when I asked her why they had seperate beds she said it was because he moved a lot in his sleep. But his return didn't last for more than a month and I don't think she was capable of ever forgiving him and I don't think he, at that moment, was in a mood to save his marriage. So he just left. (He did eventually come back to her).All I am saying is that you need time BY YOURSELF and space to think about what you want and if this is something that you can forgive. Just tell him to get out of your sight and use the time to hang out with your friends and vent and heal yourself on your own terms.
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