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KBERLEY
writes: my husband and i were married 2 years when he cheated on me with our 17 year old babysitter. this affair was on going 6 months before i found out. we went to marrage counciling to save our marrage. now almost 2 years later i still can not deal with what happened. and the kicker is this babysitter was pregnant when my husband and her split ways i assume the baby is his because he admits he never used birth control but she has never requested child support. i repressed all of my emotions when we got back together and thought i could pretend none of it ever happened but now i am at my wits end i am not attracted to my husband anymore nor do i feel like i love him anymore i have recently gone back to counciling but so far i am not feeling any differently. do you think there is any hope to work this out and save our marrage...again?
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female
reader, helpful girl  +, writes (19 October 2006):
 honestly no, i think the reason you are cold towards him maybe the fact he cheated on you with the babysitter some one you let into your home and trusted with your child, then to find out she got pregnant off your husband! and as well as that youve been through councilleing still are and its makeing no difference, there is no hope. i think you should let it lay no more thinking about it and just call it quites still allow acces for him to see his child! but if you think about it if he can cheat with the babysitter or wont he cheat with?! and also it doesnt sound like his sorry to what youve wrote. you deserve better so dont waste your time any longer. if you have no feelings nothing evers going to change that! especially if councillings not working.
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female
reader, ariel +, writes (18 October 2006):
 The question is do you want to make it work?Is he making any effort to make it work?
You need to,as everyone has said -soul search...
You can't pretend this has not happened Kberley because it has, he screwed the baby sitter for 6months.If you got back with him to make it work you have to forgive him and put his betrayal behind you,bringing it up and thinking about it is doing you no favours.
I know exactly what you are going through and your relationship can work,it could be even better,if you forgive and put it behind you.Its understandable to feel numb,the guy broke your heart and you need to find it in yourself to forgive and trust him again.Its not easy.
Be honest with yourself,why do you want it to work?Is it for the sake of the kid/s?
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male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (18 October 2006):
 The whole thing starts with you and your time. You have been wronged and you have been cheated on. Screw that talk that once a cheater always a cheater. People have had serious drug addictions and alcohol addictions and quit will they always be addicts. No!!! Not if they really want to quit and stay sober. People make mistakes and have to live with the consequences of their own decisions, whether bad or good. You must take some real time and handle your feelings. Obviously you want to make it work because you are going to couseling and you are tormented by this. Thats a sign that you love him. If you want to keep him make him work for it. Take a vacation and go out see friends and meet people. Soul search and find the answers that you want within yourself. No one here can dig inside you to find that love and everything that made him special before. We can only give you advice from our own life experiences. Some people have a deep rooted hate for someone who cheats and some people, like me, are more sympathetic because I used to be that guy and I know how he feels. The thing is now the ball is in your court so you have to decide is that love you had worth fighting for or will you make someone pay for a mistake for the rest of their lives. If possible find a way to forgive and that releases the pain then find a way to put it in the past if thats what you want. Good Luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2006): kberley .. life is what you make it.. sit down and write down the facts of what he's done and the outcome of it both positive or negative. weigh the result. then seriously ask yourself ' do i want to be with him for the rest of my life ? ' if your answer is a yes then forgive him and forget the past. but if you're in doubt and your answer is a maybe (which could lead to a no and later regrets) then walk away and start a new life. real love = respect and trust. real love is not doubts, fears and hurts...
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female
reader, DrPsych + ♥, writes (18 October 2006):
 I usually would say that couples should try to stay together and work through their issues - after all there must have been 'something between you' to warrant a marriage. However, in your case it does seem there are rather a lot of issues going on here and you would probably be happier just walking away from this mess. Your husband sounds like not a very nice guy - he had sex with a teenage girl who was barely legal, got her pregnant and doesn't even support the baby or make enquiries about the child. It doesn't seem like that is much of a foundation for saving your marriage...walk away, move on...
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female
reader, Corinne12 +, writes (18 October 2006):
if you don't love him anymore, then there's no reason to try and save the marriage.
think about yourself, do what's best for you. if you still love him, i believe it is possible to save your marriage. anything you love is worth fighting for, and if you two love each other, you will sort things out. this includes ur husband getting your trust back and doing everything for you.
however if you don't love him anymore then leave him for a few months. if he wants you back then test him if he's changed, wait till he gets your trust back. if he doesn't come back, then move on.
but it really starts with, do you love him? if you don't, get a divorce, you have a valid reason anyway.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2006): Not a chance. Divorce him.
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female
reader, Ivanna22 +, writes (18 October 2006):
You're right to be feeling this way. If I were you I would've left him right away. Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. He was cheating on you with the first girl that walked by him, in your own house!!! He might cheat on you in the future with other women, older or younger outside your house this time, I wouldn't force my self to love somebody who's hurt me so much. Find someone who respects you and is honest, and someone who you feel attracted to. If you're not even attracted to him anymore, the it's probably going to affect your sex life. I know getting divorce it's not easy, keep going to counsuling, see a therapist, not just a marriage therapist, meaby they can find a way for you to forgive him if you really want to save your marriage, but I think you're MUCH better than that and you deserve MUCH better.
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