A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm a married women married for 6 years and my husband just starting contacting his ex-girlfriend who lives out west. Have had some issues in the past with him emailing another female friend behind my back. I don't want him to know I'm checking his emails. What should I do, tell him or just keep waiting to see what happens???
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female
reader, Lynnie +, writes (27 August 2008):
Alma thanks for the response. Thanks to everyone who responded. It feels so good to vent. Right now I'm not going to say anything to him since I think Alma was right it will start a whirlwind. When I confronted him last year when this happened we got in an aweful argument and he was very mad I was monitoring his email. That kept coming up over and over again. I don't like snooping, believe me but when he's doing this behind my back it makes me want to do it more. I found out last year by mistake when he left his email open. Now I know his password and look at it while he's working at night. I'm going to monitor it, if things change in tone, then I will bring it up to him. It's just not easy for me to keep this quiet, I want to tell him but won't. He's going through a tough time too for he has cancer and he thought it was in remission and we just found out a few months ago it has spread. We are just going through so much right now and to find these emails to his ex was really upsetting to me.
Thanks everyone for the support!! It's a great help.
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (27 August 2008):
 Monitoring his emails without his consent = Lack of trust. This is a deficiency that only spells trouble in a marriage.
Now I'm not saying that you should "just trust him", but I am definitely saying you and your hubby had better start moving towards communicating in a more open and honest fashion. Otherwise your marriage will be caught in a death spiral of deceit and infidelity.
Do you and your hubby set aside time for dates? Consciously making an effort to spend some time together is a step towards better communication, mutual trust, and mutual respect.
Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 August 2008):
 I wouldn't have a problem if my husband contacted an old girlfriend by email OCCASIONALLY. But the fact that he also gave her his cell phone number is rather worrisome indeed. Plus the fact that he isn't open about it all is also very upsetting. I really understand how concerned you are. At this point I guess I'd tell you to relax just a bit, since it's just friendly chit-chat. While I don't like to sneak behind someone's back, maybe since he is hiding this you should just keep monitoring the emails. If the tone changes it will be time to raise the issue. Keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, Lynnie +, writes (27 August 2008):
Thanks eyeswideopen for your response. Just friendly chatter. Nothing sexual at all. I just don't like that he's doing this behind my back. He gave her his cell# to call him at work. He works nights. Now last year when he was chatting with a friend from work he had said some things in the email like I miss you, can't wait to talk to you again. I'm I being just stupid or do you think it's just friendly conversation that I don't need to worry about. I'm making myself sick over this.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 August 2008):
What does he say in his emails to her? Are they just friendly chatter or are they more personal?
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A
female
reader, alma +, writes (27 August 2008):
Do not tell him what you know. As soon as you do, he will be mad at you for snooping and not trusting him. And I get the impression that his e-mails are innocent right now. If he thinks you are instigating trouble, he may be more tempted to revive their relationship.
Years ago, I would have advised you to ask him what's up, but after being burned myself, well, I've awakened to reality. Nothing good could come of his contacting his ex. Remind yourself every day that you are the one he is choosing to be with, but continue to monitor the situation.
Don't let him find out you're checking up on him! He will just become a better hider, and then you will be left imagining the worst. Believe me, it may be hard keeping this knowledge private, but it is MUCH harder when he finds out, you fight, and you are left agonizing over what he is doing behind your back.
If the relationship begins to become unacceptable to you, then confront him, but not unless what they said/did was bad enough for you to want to dump him. Any questions? Let me know.
P.S.: If you need to unload your angst in the meantime, well that is one good thing about the internet, you can always vent those feelings here!
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