| A
age
36-40,
*
writes: My girlfriend and I have been together for a week less than two months. We met online (we only live a few miles from each other though) and began texting each other a lot, usually until 2 to 3am. We met in person maybe a week after talking and really hit it off. We talked a lot and hung out a lot and got hooked up a little over a month after we first talked. It was going really awesome for a while and I was really excited to be in the relationship. She was too. She was the one who asked me out and she told me that she loved me first. Before I get into it she is going through a lot lately. She is getting divorced, had to move in with her grandparents (they don't allow any of her friends over except me), didn't have a job, and just lost her phone.The problem I have is that sometimes she gets distant and doesn't want to talk. The first time she did this I assumed it was something I had done and she said it wasn't. I trusted her because I know she is going through a lot lately. Shes done this a few times and always says it's not me. This last time though she said it was from issues she has with me. When I asked her to tell me the issues she told me that shes not out to change me. I told her that I want to know whats up so I can work on it. She finally tells me that on issue is that she hates explaining things to me. For example; she has two kids and i have one. I only see my daughter every other weekend and I don't know as much about kids as I should. She said she hates that she has to explain stuff about kids I should already know. She wouldn't tell me anything else at that time. Later she did manage to say that she felt smothered. I love being around her and I didn't realize that maybe it was too much.Anyways, we've gotten through all of the rough times we've had already (which seems like a lot for the short amount of time we've been together but I understand her situation).The main thing is what happened two days ago. It was maybe a day after she told me she felt smothered. I didn't see her the day before but I asked her if I could come over for a little while. She told me no because she wants to go out with friends because I'm the only person she has seen since moving into her grandparents. That was fine with me. Later when I asked what she was doing she told me she was going to olive garden with a friend. When I asked her who she told me it was a friend that I haven't met yet. So I said, does this friend I havent met yet have a name. She then told me I was being overbearing and acting like her ex husband. I told her I wasn't trying to be overbearing, I was just curious who she was with.I admit that when she wouldn't tell me their name I kinda freaked out and we had an argument about it. Thinking about it I realize that I probably freaked out over nothing. My emotions got the better of me. My gut feeling tells me I can trust her and I really do. She told me that she doesn't like to be questioned about things.The problem now is that she hasn't hardly talked to me for the last few days and I don't know what to do. I realize she's mad at me and needs some space but I feel really bad. I know it's only one argument but she told me it was turning into what it was like with her ex husband really fast. That makes me worry. I've tried to talk with her before about things in person but I couldn't get her to talk. It seems like she only wants to talk through text, which is better than nothing. But when I ask about whats going on she doesn't always tell me.Here is my question. How do I approach her to talk? Do I apologize for freaking out? Should I do something to make up for it? She has trust issues and I really want her to know that she can trust me and can talk to me about anything. I do love her and the past few days have been really dificult on me as I'm sure they have been on her too. What do I do?P.S. Sorry for making this so long.
View related questions:
divorce, her ex, met online, needs some space, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was happy to hear her say that. I wasn't sure what her feeling towards me were. To be honest I would like to give it another shot with her. Take it slow and see how it goes. Although this time I'm not gonna put so much of myself into it until I know that shes gonna do it too. I may be too optimistic in thinking that it'll be better this time around but I like to be optimistic in life.
Anyways, I'll keep you updated. Hopefully I'll have good news soon. And if you want to give me your facebook that would be alright with me. It's totally up to you. I'm not on there a lot but I do try and check it out once a day.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (11 September 2010):
 Oh I forgot to add one more thing I was rather appalled that one of the reasons she broke up with you because you didn't ask about your feelings! WTF, you can't read her mind..she expects way too much out of men, probably why she's divorced. Oh a smile is good, does she have an ipod on? The easiest approach is to ask her what she's listening to. Or have an extra water bottle on hand and if she looks like she's about finished with hers, offer her your other one. Or whenever she stops off to catch a breath, ask her if she's ok. You gotta watch for the right moment then go for it!
Alright about the ex, i'm a little tired of hearing how tired and sick she is, sounds like she wants a pity party and if you try to give it to her then she claims your smothering her. Good response, it was vague but it makes you sound like you're doing fine without her. In which you are, you're slowly getting your confidence back and your happiness. So very proud of you! Honestly, I like where you're at now. You're getting your old self back, if you got back with her it would be the same bs and you'd be right back to square one. Look how much progress you've already made! You should just tell her that's not a good idea right now. Or I know you're probably excited that she sad those words, and really do want to get back together...So I would say you would like to work on getting back together, take things slow and see how they go. You can't just give into her, because things will go right back to how they were. And you will be back on here again. (Of course you can talk to me any time) Don't give her a timeline, but I'd give it about a month(keep this to yourself) and see how she does. If she's not ready, then you'll be able to tell. Just tread lightly don't put yourself into this 100% let her make the effort. You're testing her so to speak, if she is really ready to jump back into a relationship. That way you are still protecting your feelings which is the main concern here. The only thing she's shown you so far is that if you back off, she will make the effort. I know this chick because I'm friends with women who are exactly like her. Keep me updated, I'm half tempted to give you my Facebook because I'm always on there..well on here too.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhoever told you Kansas was boring evidently doesn't know how to have fun. LOL. Its really not that bad. Wichita has a lot of things to do. I've only been to the parts of Missouri around Kansas City but I hear it's nice there.
I've seen this chick at two separate gyms but I've only seen her once at each gym. I was given plenty of chances to talk to her today cause it seemed like she was always pretty close to where I was. I would turn around and she'd be right there, we'd smile, and that was about it.
Overall, I've been feeling really good today. Which is strange because I felt really bad when I woke up. I think maybe working out helped, or maybe it was the chick at the gym. Who knows.
I do have more to add about my recent ex-girlfriend. She messaged me earlier (around 10pm or so) telling me about how tired and sick she was. I talked to her (I'm actually still talking to her (its 1am)) and she told me that she thinks it might work out because she is really missing me. I just told her that I'm glad she cares about me. What should I do? Should I give it another try? If I do get into the relationship again, what kind of timeline should I follow? Thanks again
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (11 September 2010):
Yayyy, I think you're making a break through here! So proud of you. You do have a smidgen of relationship experience but a little more couldn't hurt just to help you out of that shell. Hey, I was serious when if I was single I'd give you a shot...glad to know respectable men aren't a dying breed. No, I don't know anyone in (yawn) Kansas, hear that's one boring state. I live a hop and a skip away in Missouri. See your starting to feel better about yourself, noticing other women, even getting a little chatty at the cafe. Women are out there you just got to get friendly. Now, this chick in the gym does she frequent there a lot? Gym can be a little tricky, I know people who go in there, pop in those earphones, and go to town on that treadmill. There's no way of talking to them, until they're wiping off the equipment, drinking from their water bottle that's when you can interject and ask what she was listening to? Low and behold you got a whole conversation on music, which everyone loves and don't forget to introduce yourself. Oh and is she a little hungry or need a fat free smoothie that nice little cafe has awesome smoothies, and if she's really sweating offer her your extra clean sweat towel..... It couldn't hurt to work out near her. :) Best of luck to you!! You can always message me if you need help!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't message her. She actually messaged me at 12:50. Although it didn't start out so well it turned out alright. She said that she felt really bad today. Shes sick, doesn't get much sleep, and got in trouble at work last night and had to go in and talk to her managers today. So, I assumed it was that and said that I understand. Then she said "thats one reason why I broke up with you". "You didn't think to ask if I was feeling worse". "I'm feeling a lot worse today". I was thinking holy crap, chill out. I told her "I'm trying to use my common sense like you said". "I knew you were sick, tired, and in trouble at work so thats what I figured you felt bad about". Anyways, the rest of the conversation went better. I talked to her until she had to go in at 3 and then she messaged me around 3:30 to tell me she wasn't in trouble for anything and she continued to talk to me until she was going back to bed a little after 4.
So far though, I've haven't sent her any messages unless I get one first and shes initiated the conversation several times now. I'm not getting my hopes up but it looks promising for at least a friendship. I think I'm getting to the point where I understand that we may not ever be more than friends. But I'm becoming ok with that.
I've had three serious relationships. One while in high school that lasted almost two years. We mutually agreed that we should separate due to college. One when I was 19 that lasted about two years. She abruptly broke up with me and I found out it was because she thought I cheated (I did't cheat but she couldn't trust me after that) And I had one right after I turned 22. I broke up with her because I needed space, we seen each other off and on for almost a year and she ended up gettin with someone else. That was in January of this year. To be honest, I've only had three break-ups in my life that I didn't want to happen so maybe thats why I was hurt by this one so much.
So if you weren't married you'd give me a shot eh? LOL. I'm flattered, I really am. It's good that you found someone. I know theres someone out there for me too. I just have to find her.
I live in the great state of Kansas actually. I'm also flattered that you'd be willing to hook your friends up with someone you've never even met. LOL.
I guess I could ask my friends if they know of any single lady friends they could set me up with. I'm sure they'd have a pretty good idea of who I'd be compatible with.
I was actually at the gym today and I seen this girl I really wanted to talk to but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was just extra shy earlier I guess. But when I got dinner a little while ago I was feeling pretty good. I walked to the local cafe and was actually chatting with a few people. So I guess I'm feeling a lot better now.
It seems that anywhere is a good place to meet people. I'll have to keep that in mind then. I'll try and put myself out there and see what happens. Wish me luck
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (10 September 2010):
Good, good. It sounds like she's possibly wanting to work on being friends. Drop the relationship talk..just focus on normal routine. What do you think I'm going to say?? Don't text her like she didn't text you..she wants you to keep up the communication but struggles on her end. No, the phone works both ways. Besides, if you text her back I'm almost betting she won't text back like before. Then you will be upset as to why, then she can go back and say you're being pushy, not giving her space. In addition, texting her when she gets up is something one would do when they're in a relationship which you're not in one anymore. Let her initiate contact..like I said if she wants you she will come to you. I'm a woman with extensive dating experience and tons of different lady friends, trust me I know. We always want what we can't have and there's always that one we're going to get hung up on..mine took me 2 years to shake off but I was 18 and as I wade my way through the dating pool, I developed a thicker skin when it comes to break-ups. How many serious relationships have you had?
If it's any consolation, if I weren't married I would give you a shot, LOL. But I love my husband. And I too thought i wasn't ever going to find anyone...but hey I did so there's hope for you too. Not trying to sound like a weirdo, but what state are you in?( Promise you I am who I say I am) I have a some cute, single, friends in Tennessee specifically the eastern part and in Illinois by the Saint Louis area, and a couple in the D.C. area. Who doesn't love a southern belle? First ask your friends of they have any single lady friends they can set you up with, if not I've met guys in the gym, library, while working, grocery store/market, pubs, parties (yes you can meet respectable women there), walking the park, even while driving although that's a little risky, at the doctor's office, concerts, hockey games, in line to get your prescription at the pharmacy, and even online. You just have to put yourself out there. I promise if you can meet a girl and ask her out for a date, even if it's for a casual date just to get your mind off this one I will provide you with an outline for conversation. We're just women we don't bite, and we're definitely not as intimidating as we look.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't message her the rest of the night and she ended up sending me a message before going to work and we talked from around 10:30pm to 2am. We didn't talk about relationship stuff or anything like that, just mostly stuff about her work. She told me to text her after 12:45 today cause thats when shes getting up. I think I know the answer to this but should I message her or wait for her to message me?
I know there has to be great single women out there. I just don't know where to look. What I've been doing doesn't seem to be working. I do struggle in conversation so an outline of what to say would be great, and very much appreciated.
I don't know why but I think about dating other women and my feeling are that I don't want to be with anyone else, I want to be with her. Maybe I'm just wanting what I can't have. I'm trying to stay hopeful and it kinda helps but it just seems like won't find someone for me.
I'm 26 and I'm not quite looking to settle down but would like to find someone. I would just like a little more patience.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (10 September 2010):
Reply to her but be vague....especially don't text her right after she texts you. If she wants you she will come to you. We're women we jump when we get a text, or a phone call. And usually it's hard for us to keep our little fingers off the buttons, we scroll to your name and can't help send a "Hi" but instantly regret it. Guys are usually better cutting off the communication, women not so much guess it has to do with all the feelings we have. Plus, her feelings can change so quickly because she wasn't that sure in the first place, as I go back to saying after a divorce one needs time to themselves. Also you're relationship only lasted 2 months and a few weeks..sorry but that's not enough time for true feelings to develop.
Look I can tell you got it bad for this chick but I'm not going to sit here and give you want to hear or get your hopes up. No woman is worth being depressed over..or putting off living your life for that matter. Life is too short for that shit. 26-29 you're looking to settle down aren't you? Well then stop wasting your time on a woman who doesn't want to be with you and seek one that does. Again you did nothing wrong except for being pushy which there's room for improvement. There's most definitely hope for you to find a good relationship. Great single women are out there! I see so many on here. And every time I answer a guy's question who wears their heart on their sleeve it makes me feel better that there are decent men out there. You can shake off that shyness, how did you meet this one? Your friends most likely know single women, I met my husband through a mutual friend. See you have some confidence in your looks, that should help you nab a woman right there! And I can even give you an outline of what to say if you feel like you struggle on conversation. All hope is not lost.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk. I go without texting/talking for at least 2 weeks. What do I do if she contacts me first? I don't want to be rude and not reply but what should I do?As far as casual dating, ever since we got together I haven't been attracted to or had the desire to see to any other woman at all. Another problem I have is that I'm a little shy and it's not easy for me to make conversation. It's not that I'm bad looking either (I actually think that I look quite good myself).She is all I think about and I know from past experiences that whatever happens, my life will get better. It's just the connection I feel with her is really great. This is affecting my whole life. I'm depressed, don't feel like hanging out with friends, and pretty much just sit around and do nothing. I just don't understand how her feelings for me could change so fast. It makes me feel like I did something horrible to screw this up. Like everything that happened was my fault and if I had done this or hadn't done that then I'd be happy right now. I emotionally broke down on my way home earlier and just felt like there was no hope for me to ever be in a good relationship.I know that if she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me then it's not going to happen. But again, how could her feelings for me change so fast?I'm hopeful but I know that she has to be ready and be willing to as well. I'll do my part to give her space and hope that she thinks about it and can maybe get her life together.I really do appreciate the advise that I've gotten. It's helped me stay sane.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (9 September 2010):
Go without texting/ talking to her for 2-4 weeks..then send her a friendly text nothing more, nothing less than "Hi, how are you". Leave it at that, work on giving her a lot of space. The worst you could do is bombard her with texts, calls, and dropping by. Don't do it, you're broken up take that with a grain of salt. Give her space, a lot of it, no calls, texts for at least 2 weeks..that's part of giving space and engage in a little casual dating in the mean time to get your mind of off her. She doesn't want to be with you can't make her. The only thing you can do is give it space and time then she'll maybe change her mind..But even then don't count on it. "Hope for the best but expect the worst".
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow much time should I give her to think about this? How often should I text her? I really am lost in this. If space is what might help then I can give her space. I've been in relationships before and honestly I've never had the same connection with someone like the one I have with her. She felt the same way before but maybe it's like you said and she just isn't ready for a relationship right now. But I do want to try to make it work and I'm willing to put in the time and effort to give her the space and time that she needs just because of the connection we initially had. Not that it will ever get back to that point but I can be hopeful.
Thanks for all your help.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (9 September 2010):
3 days isn't enough space to give her to think. I really think she's trying to find excuses to nitpick at you. She needs to understand that the economy blows and that jobs aren't a dime a dozen anymore. As long as you're looking then I see no problem with that. Then she goes on to say there's so much she wants to change but I see nothing that needs to change except for you to back off of her a bit I think you're pushing. Other than that, that's it. It's like she's trying to find a reason to break up with you, and was that about how she doesn't want to feel like your mother? It's not like she's much older than you and you can't read her mind..She's so bipolar over stuff one minute she's fine, the next she's nitpicking and changing her status on Facebook without telling you. I'm wondering why she got divorced..She broke up with you without you knowing! Who does that, maybe when we were in grade school but when you're older, come on. You'll never know the real reason she broke up with you since she's not good with confrontation and what she told were sorry excuses. I'll take an educated guess and say she's not ready for a relationship whatsoever. She's done with you, if you keep pushing to rekindle it, it will just push her further away or in the slim to none chance you do get back together she will be singing the same tune. She's not going to change and the only thing you need to change is to learn how to back-off!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all I thank everyone for their advise. It has helped me understand the situation better.
This is gonna be long so sorry in advance.
After not seeing each other for three days I asked her if we could meet. She was a little hesitant at first but told me that we could. When we did it started off rough but after only about 5 minutes it was back to like it was before. We were laughing, joking around, talking, just like nothing happened. We went to her place and watched a movie and hung out until after 1a.m. The next day I went over again in the afternoon and it was great again. We went shopping and ate dinner together. We hung out again until late. At this point I was feeling great and thought that everything was going good.
Then the next day she was sick. We texted normally for a while and then it started going downhill from there. We were talking about jobs since I recently lost mine and I said some things that made her mad. She then said that she doesn't think that her and I are going to work as long as I don't have a job. She wants someone who can support themselves and not someone she has to worry about how they are going to pay for something. I told her that I've been supporting myself up until this last week and I'll get another job. She told me that it only matters from this point on whether I can support myself. We talked about it a little more and left it at that.
A little while later I asked her if she really didn't think it would work if I didn't have a job. She said that she really thinks there is too much about me that rubs me the wrong way and it will probably never work for that reason. I asked her to explain it to me and she said there is too much for her to be ok with me changing about myself. She does'nt want me to change for her and it would always make her feel guilty. I told her that I don't want her to feel guilty but I would like to know what the problems are. She replied by saying she was feeling like crap and was gonna take a nap. I said, ok, could we talk about this sometime, I would like to know what annoys you about me.
We didn't talk for a few hours and she messaged me saying she just wanted to go back to bed (because of being sick and all) but she had to go to work (she works third shift). We had a sorta normal conversation for a while until I had to go to bed. The next day (yesterday actually) I had an interview and testing for a potential job. It went really well and I was pretty happy about it. I was in the area where my girlfriend lives and I asked her if I come over. She said that she wasn't in the mood to have company and she was gonna try to take a nap. I told her that was ok and that I understood. She then started asking me why I would even ask if I knew she was sick and wouldn't want company. I told her that I knew she would probably say no but I didn't think it would hurt to ask. She said that its another commen sense thing (she told me before that I have a lack of common sense that annoys her) to know that she wouldn't want company so I shouldn't ask cause it's just gonna piss her off that I can't think of her before thinking of myself. I told her that I was just asking and that I wasn't trying to be selfish.
Again, we didn't talk for a few hours. I got into an argument with my daughters mom and I needed to talk to someone about it. I messaged my girlfriend and told her what had happened and she talked to me about it for a while. After that we talked kinda normal for a little bit. I then made her mad again after I asked her if she was feeling any better. She said hell no, its only been a day. So we kinda talked sporadically after that until I went home.
I got on my facebook and noticed that she had changed her relationship status to single. So I messaged her and asked her why. I told her that if shes gonna break up with me that I at least deserve some communication about it other than seeing it on facebook. She finally replied that she it wasn't working the way she wanted it to. So I asked what she felt went wrong. She said a lot of things. I asked her if she would tell me everything and just be honest with me. After a while she told me that I was too passive for her. I was great as a friend but doesn't think anything more is going to work between us. She also said that she doesn't wanna feel like my mother. She wants someone who is equal. She feels like my mother because she said she has to explain everything to me. So we talked about it more and decided that since we started out as friends we should still be friends. She also told me that she likes that I have a big heart (although she thinks I give it away too easily), that I make her laugh, and that we have a lot in common in terms of interests. So at least it wasn't all bad.
I'm happy that we can still be friends but I'm worried that I'm expecting that we'll get back together eventually or that if she gets with someone else then I'll be jealous. To be honest I really want to change for her. That may sound pahthetic or whatever but with as much as we do have in common and as well as we get along when we're physically together I just think that this could work.
I guess my question is what should I do?
p.s. Sorry for the long message again.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (7 September 2010):
That issue is part of who she is..something only she can work on..If you leave things bottled up for so long they always come exploding out and not in a good way. I know women like this and they are often divorced or bounce from relationship to relationship. It's only been 2 months and a week if she's got trust issues then you can't expect her to open up right away give it a lil time. Give it a shot, lay it on the table, see her response, and take it from there.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo answer your first question, yes, they were separated.
We've been together for almost two months, a week less than. I worded that a little weird so I see how you got mixed up. It is kind of a short relationship for her to need space though. I thought we were still in the first stage of a relationship where we can't get enough of each other and she tells me I'm smothering her. A few days before she told me that, she really wanted me over but I was with friends. Everything else you said makes sense though. I need to sit down and try to talk with her somewhere in private and get everything out on the table. The only issue I have with her is her bottling everything up because she just explodes and thats been the cause of the other two or three difficulties we've had. Her not wanting to tell me her issues with me really hurts. I want us to be open and honest with each other.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (4 September 2010):
She was at least separated when you guys started to date, right? Here's the thing about this situation..
1. This woman is going through a divorce and what I'm reading about her this relationship/dating has progressed pretty fast.
2. She's not ready for this emotionally and time wise.
3. This one keeps her feelings bottled up, she's not going to let you in no matter how hard you try..she has all these issues that she continues to push around her plate thinking they're going to solve themselves.
You guys have only been together a week, and she's already asking for space, plus saying your smothering her? She needs time to get past her divorce, possibly sort things out, and to adjust to her new lifestyle. In order to talk to her, it has to be face to face in which I don't think she will comply. Ask her to meet you somewhere you can have a bit of privacy, your house, or maybe in a park..let her know you're sorry for freaking out over that Olive Garden scenario, that you don't feel like you're smothering her but if it's space she wants it's space you will give her, that you understand she is going through a lot but you just wish she would tell you, let her know you're here for her, and lastly that you will slow down this relationship..Go ahead and give it your best shot... Honestly, I don't see how you're smothering her, I see her moving to fast in this relationship and it's only mounting to her pile of problems. This relationship is bad timing for her..She's got to learn how to sort out her life and make herself happy then she can slowly start adding people to the equation.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2010): It sounds like she doesn't need to be in a relationship right now. In fact, what you've described doesn't sound like a relationship. She wants to communicate via texting??? That's just not right... no contact, no emotion, no exposure... then when she gets in a funk she goes silent on you.
Add to that, she expects you to KNOW what she expects you to know? That's just wrong. We need our partners to COMMUNICATE with us, and us with them. She seems too fragile to be in a relationship. I'd let her do what ever she needs to do, you move on. If you continue to chase her, she's either going to dump you now, or in several months when she's tired of the same routine. I don't think that she's likely to change, but all I have to go on is what you shared.
...............................
|
