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My girlfriend stopped wanting sex. Doesn't she love me any more?

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Question - (26 July 2008) 21 Answers - (Newest, 26 July 2013)
A male United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I've been living with my girlfriend for almost 9 years now. I'm 33, she's 31 and we have an 8yo daughter.

We were together for about 2 years before moving in here and we were close friends for about 10 years before that.

Things were great before but ever since we had our daughter and moved in together, we've been living as if we were brother and sister.

She just suddenly stopped ever wanting to have sex.

It wasn't gradual. It happened overnight.

Before, our sex life was awesome. She was always up for it. Anytime, anyplace, anyhow.

Now, and for the last 9 years, she always just refuses.

We probably have sex on an average of once per year.

However, she admits to pleasuring herslef. Even when she knows how much it means to me to have sex again, she's more likely to reject me and then go and sort herself out instead.

I've tried everything. Taking her out. Helping her out. I've been patient and understanding. I generally am always loving and caring and giving. Always offering her compliments. The romance hasn't died because I'm forever the romantic. I've talked to her about it. She always tries to duck the subject before lashing out verbally about how I should just accept it and that's the way it is. Talking always ends up with fighting. She doesn't feel like it. She's too tired. It's too early in the morning. It's too late at night.

All sorts of reasons/excuses.

I've even tried all sorts of different approaches.

Being the nice guy as I've already said, but also being more assertive about it too. Thinking maybe that's what she might prefer. I've been accepting of it. I've tried ignoring it and not mentioning it at all. I've tried being spontaneous with it and I've tried planning it with her.

The results are always the same. Nothing.

Obviously this has gradually completely destroyed my confidence. I feel ugly. I feel unloved. I feel unappreciated. I feel unmotivated. I feel worthless. I feel unmasculine. It just keeps eating away at me.

She says she loves me and wonders why I don't understand. She says she wouldn't still be with me if she didn't love me. But she never shows it. I get no affection whatsoever from her.

She pushes me away. She seems uninterested to kiss me. She doesn't like me to touch her. She has become unenthusiastic to even converse with me.

We may have sex once a year, but getting any other affection from her is even rarer than that.

When we do actually have sex, she doesn't even touch me. I spend a lot of time on her. She always enjoys it. She gets right into it and is normally satisfied very quickly. If I do actually manage to go as far as full intercourse, then I normally find myself either shrivelling up, or climaxing too soon. This was never the case before. Never in my life.

Obviously it's the result of all the rejections, the anxiety, and the low esteem that it has caused in me.

I wonder if anyone else has this problem to this extent. What does it mean? Doesn't she love me anymore. Is it worth me carrying on with her? I do really still love her very much. Please somebody, help.

View related questions: confidence, moved in, sex life, unloved

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A male reader, forest 112 United Kingdom +, writes (26 July 2013):

Hi

I feel your pain and what you are doing is also harmful to your self .

I'm sorry but this relationship is one sided and also abusive.Although she states she loves you but this is being said and used for the wrong purposes and selfish ones at that .

The relationship is not what you had and you are being treated and manipulated badly.it's an extrememly hard

circumstance to live with but it's eroding you and could also make you ill.

My advice to you would be to take stock and get out of this abusive situation give yourself some distance to see and be whole again and find a person that can support you and you can speak with.there are also professional people that can help you .

Only when you are strong and together consider a new relationship after healing .

Your current partner needs to also deal with her situation and problem and there also could well be areas that you are unaware of .

Distance yourself heal and seek help if you need it .

Wish you well be strong

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011):

Hey man,

I know exactally how you feel...

I have been with my girlfriend for a little over 4 years now. The first 3 years were fantastic. We loved each other, we spent time and enjoyed each other's company, we made love frequently and enjoyed it. We had our problems, but we always worked them out.

About a year ago we bought a house together and everything changed. She doesn't even want to sit next to me on the couch anymore. She feels like a room mate I share a bed with. We kiss once in a while but she almost always pulls away, I have to beg her to make love(and I still get rejected 9 times out of 10). It is st the point where I feel like I am being used for a place for her to live and a meal ticket while she is going to school. I know that isn't the case but I still feel that way.

Sometimes I hope this is happening because she has so much on her plate that she is too tired or she has too much on her mind.

I feel like less of a man. Am I not attractive to her anymore? Do I not provide all the love and support she needs? What does it take for her to show her love and affection for me again?

I have actually thought about leaving her on several occasions, but I know she still loves me the same as she did before. I guess I am just holding out hope that things change again. Honestly, she is still the best friend I had ever had and the love of my life. I couldn't leave her.

I know I didn't help you at all, and I am sorry for that. Just know that I listened and know where you are and I hope that things get better. Just remember that sometimes one person has to carry a relationship for a while.

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A male reader, Prospero Portugal +, writes (8 April 2011):

Reading this wall made me want to cry. It seems that this is a generic condition and I get the feeling that this is irreversible. I dated my gf for about 3 years, but lived far away for about 2 and 1/2 of those so we had sex on weekends. And it was really something to look forward to, we actually rated the sessions.

She now moved in with me a month ago, first couple of weeks there was no noticeable problem, but then I started getting rejected. Not only for sex, but caressing the boobs and kissing to intensly. She just wants to hug. I started getting frustrated and asked her. She put it up under stress and said that because I was the first guy she ever lived with she had blocked (blocked, that was her word). Apparently that blockage means not even stroking my dick or a quick bj, which would pretty much reassure me.

We have sex, which I initiate. And it's still great. Some days back I proposed to give her a massage. Her reply was enthusiastic, she said "you see when you want you have good ideas!" I did, she didn't want to take off her panties at first, but after 20 minutes i took them off and was going at it great and She came and it was ok.

I see the main problem is an incompatibility in gender reaction to stress. I think men (at least me) get horny when stressed. Women loose libido when they get stressed. And here you have a perfect self feeding whirlwind of destruction: the more she refuses, the more you stress, the more you stress, the more you pressure for sex, the more you do that the more stressed she feels, and the less sex she wants to have...

So, I guess that the suggestion to romanticize her back is wrong, cause she will know that you are doing it to get laid. On the other hand, she was entusiastic about the massage.

It seems the only solution is for you to break the cycle. Meditate, go to church, suppress you sexual trust. It's easier for a guy not to have sex for a while than for a woman to have it against her will. Jerking off IS NOT THE SOLUTION!!!

Hopefully this works. If it doesn't, I will have to jott this down as a medical condition on her part, and just take a hooker once in a while... Imagien it's a war injury to the vagina and that she is uncapable of having sex... would you leave her in that instance? I suppose if you did that wouldn't be love, would it?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010):

read this article about female lust, it will help answer your questions! it's the first thing i've ever read that explains the situation!

i'm a female and i love my bf and think he's smokin hot! yet i rarely get lusty feelings for him and only for other men. yet i don't want other men in my life. i know it makes no sense. unlike the other women though, i do my best to get into each encounter because i know it makes my bf happy. sometimes i get into it after i've started (always have lube!) and other times i don't. i really miss the days of our first year when it was effortless and the energy and lust was strong and amazing. sigh....

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201005/learning-lust

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2010):

She has found someone else to have sex with so get out and let her have him. Don't be the fool.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010):

Okay boys. Hold on. First of all, if a girl doesn't want sex from you its NOT necessarily because she is cheating on you - or even wants to. (Though that may be the case in a small percentage.) It is not because you are not attractive, good men who deserve to be loved. It is because something OUTSIDE of the bedroom is upsetting her. Perhaps she is mad at you for something from months, maybe years, before - and when that moment happened, it was like a switch in her head. Perhaps she has stress in other parts of her life - if so, ask yourself what you can do to help alleviate that stress. (No, sex is not the answer.)

Just imagine yourselves as a woman out there. Sex is emotional - letting someone in your body is really really personal, and women are trained - or perhaps just by instinct - to be selective. Now if she lost her trust in you at some point in the relationship for some perceived slight, how is she going to let someone she doesn't trust into her body?

Try to sweep her off her feet. You did it once, you can do it again. I mean *romance* her. Be *sexy* (fall in love with the fantasy to get yourself through the initial feelings of rejection.) Be kind but be a man. Show her you *want* her - you want to please her, you want to love her, you want to make her feel relaxed. And keep thinking to yourself about how sexy you are (yes! you really are!) If she doesn't respond to this then at some point she lost respect for you totally, and then, well it's her loss. Use that mentality to start to reject her. She may respond at that point, and apologize for being an idiot. Hopefully, you will still want her by then. (Luckily, relationships are based on a lot more than just sex to get you through the hard times.) But play the part you want to be - even if it takes a few tries before you both believe it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010):

im in the same boat but my gf sed tha she was only texting a lad 4 a bit and sed nothink has happened and since that she dnt wnt sex any more and says look u belive me or u dont i dont know what 2 do now

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010):

ive found a similar problem with my girlfriend.we moved out from her parents place about 3 months ago.about 2 months before this our sex life really died.usually there was a week to 2 weeks between sex.it was never anything interesting just a 'quickie' .barely foreplay or emotion during sex.i confronted her about this and she told me that when we moved she'd be alot more willing and to try different things. Guess what! We move out and things actually got worse.i lost all of her affection towards me aswell.i asked her what was going on and whether she meant what she said before and she just told me i was pressuring her for sex. That really upset me.shes become so distant and snaps at me all the time.she says shes tired because of work and complains shes working 40 hours a week. Doesnt everybody! I felt so rejected because of this. I eventually told her i was leaving her because i couldnt take her abuse and the lack of sex. She just cried and told me she would sort it out cos she didnt realise how bad she was. Anyway got better for a month.it was like being with her again but now were back to where we were 6 months ago. I feel really unloved and rejected again! I think sometimes you've got to work at it but then there just comes a point where you just have to go and refresh yourself with someone new.it hurts to think about doing that thought cos i still have so much love for her

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010):

i hear ya, my gf and i are about to be newly weds next wk, and for the past 2wks we've been living with each other, but ive noticed our sex has decreased about 2months ago, i used sleep over her place almost everyday for the 1st three months of our relationship, she always wanted sex,i loved it, she was assertive, and i like it that way. but due to certain issue,she moved out of her house to a friends,an lived with her and her family, an when that happened we went from almost everyday, to 1-2X's a wk,to once a wk, and now its like i have to sorta beg, and even if i do beg or persuade she doenst want to, i tried talking to her about it, but she jus gets upset, then i started feeling like some of u stated (unloved,unappreciated,lonely,neglected). and ive noticed ive become more than usual agry built up, an she's called me out on it, and i i kno the reason(s) why i get upset, bc of our lack of sex, but i look at the picture and dont want it to seem like our relationship is just sex, we both are great together,i love her and as her me. but i also noticed the lack of passion and affection she gives compared to wat she used to give when we first got together. i dont kno wat to do, i thought of scheduling therapy, councilling, i've done sweet small things for her, most of thte time they seem to go unnotice or the answer/reaction i thought i was guna get jus doesnt show.i fear of our relationship might come to and disaster for small things. maybe im nieve to this, but all in all i just want her to be happy, at the same time me also. ima try talking to her again bout this, but i fear the reaction might be the same.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010):

I feel just like you too.......... If nothing changes, I'm walking! Strange to say I would give up anything to not feel like this.

I actualy never thought that I would ever feel or have a problem in this area of my life.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010):

Guys,, It seems as though those of you with the problems are kind to your wifes or girlfriends.

Have you stopped and thourght that the problem might not actually be you.

Men need sex to feel wanted, loved, cared for, it reassures them that everything is A ok.

Your lady friends may be with-holding sex because they are unhappy, it could be with work, money worries e.g mortgages , etc...but not specificuly linked to your relationship but rather your situation.

Don't ever forget that men are not the same as women, what turns them on doesnt necesarily turn you on.

both sexes have differing needs....

The best star t to resolving the problem is talking to one another, be calm, talk with your partner not at them, try to understand them and let them know how ou feel.....

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010):

Yeah, definitely feeling the same deal here.

Well, to some extent. We're both 21y/o, and our sex life was great for the first 2ish years, but then we had a child, and ever since... it's been slow on her end. I have to beg and beg just to convince her once every other week or so. And even when we do, she has "lazy" tendencies, just laying there, and ENJOYING every second of it, but not putting forth the effort to do anything for ME. Ever.

Just this past week, I found out that she's been talking inappropriately via text messaging to guys she barely knows. I'm not worried she's cheating on me, because she doesn't have that in her (trust me I know.) but it's still discouraging and hurtful to my self esteem to know that she is having those conversations with other guys, but wants nothing to do with me.

Yet she still loves me with all her heart, apparently?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2010):

I wish I could answer this but im in the same shit,sorry man! I know how you feel!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009):

Same here. Been with my gf for 4 years now. I always did have a big appetite for sex and so did my gf, she was always up for it and i felt like she is enjoying it and i'm doing a good job pleasing and making her satisfied. We had a very active sex life for around 3 years then we both kinda just focused on other stuff and the feeling was kinda mutual. Lately i've had a feeling that i lack that part in our relationship so i became active again but surprise i got rejected a couple of times already and it felt wrong. She said we haven't had active sex in such a long time she totally lost interest in it. She said i still attract her in that way but not as often she attracts me. And well i feel bad cause i'm the one making moves, trying something while she does nothing, something she feels like it sometimes i get rejected. I would love if she started to show me some more affection cause i know she loves me, but lately i've been feeling really unwanted and unloved.

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A male reader, AsergerWhisperer United States +, writes (9 May 2009):

Dude, or anyone else googling for an answer to your inquiry. It's most definitely Asperger Syndrome. But has little to do with being autistic, it is more a condition than a syndrome, most analytical people have a lack of emotions, and they even will feel they are missing something at times, but have little drive or desire to fill the void. Good luck, once you research Aspergers I think you'll find your girlfriend fits this category.

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A male reader, UnderstandingMan United States +, writes (21 February 2009):

Nothing against you but that's bullshit to me how can she love you and look you in the eye say she pleasure's herself and then tell you she doesn't want to have sex? I think you've been more than nice, maybe you should try the opposite method just ask her whats the deal? keep me posted

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008):

Hi i have been married a year and am finding similar problems,im sorry to tell you this but mabe ladies get bored of the same thing,i think my wife is bored of me and i think im bored of her after six years together,i do love her but i cant stop looking at other women wanting something different mabe your ladies feel the same,once this happens what can you do,just say to yourself do i really want sex with the same women for the rest of my life,so if they dont want sex anymore dont waist your life on them go out there and get a new one.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008):

Sounds like she is cheating on you or has cheated before. Either way, if she did or didnt. Life is way short man and there are plenty of horny girls to go around.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008):

I'm sorta in that same problem. Except we've only been together 4 1/2 years. Hell, we've only been having "sex-sex" in the last year. Worst of all, we're 21!!! What the hell 21 year old couple, with no kids doesn't have sex? I finally got frustrated and cut it off completely and stopped trying. 4-5 weeks went by before she initiated anything, and I think it was an accident. And it didn't go very well. I don't even think we finished. That was almost two weeks ago. We're getting our own place soon, but I don't see it changing at all. We used to always talk each other to sleep, just talking about whatever, work, ideas, anything. Now she goes to bed before 11 and is out like a light. (What the hell 21 year old goes to bed before 11!?) I feel bad trying to talk because I feel like I keep waking her up when she's trying to sleep. I'm afraid when we get a place, we're just going to live separate lives, slowly growing farther and farther apart until one of us leaves or cheats or we just finally give up. BUT she doesn't even seem to notice! She's all happy and excited about getting a place and happy that I moved in with her and her parents. I keep asking, "Are things going to get better? Are you sure you want us to get a place? etc. etc." and she's always positive about it. But this has been going on for some time and it didn't get better when I moved into her parents house. AND like I said, I completely stopped trying, wouldn't even get close to hinting anything that could even LEAD to sex, and that went on for 5 freaking weeks!!! When we did have sex, it wasn't very often and always felt pressured or awkward, like we'd get bored half0way through or something. She just doesn't seem interested. It's like she's trying to, but just doesn't. We seem to be getting further and further apart. We're totally not the same people we were when we started dating, our interest just seem to be conflicting with one another. She doesn't seem to see it. It's hard to talk about because she cries instantly if we're unhappy, so, talking goes out the window and I'm guilty for making her cry, even though I try not to. How do you tell someone what you're upset about if they're just going to cry over it. I don't want her to feel guilty or pressured. It's just not normal. Seriously. It's like sex just isn't for us, which at 21, that sucks. I feel the same way, ugly, unmasculine, all that. Sucks.

I've read that women in about 4 years into the relationship lose their sexual desire quite a bit. 20 years it's supposed to be like totally gone.

But I know something got to be wrong. For a while I thought I was just over anxious or some sort of perv, but dude, girls like sex, people have sex all the time. She just doesn't seem to like it at all. Nothing. I really just don't think she likes me anymore. Psshhh... even now, she went to bed over an hour and half ago, and here I am unable to sleep, googling "why doesn't my girlfriend like me anymore" looking for answers... LAME.

=(

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (26 July 2008):

Yos agony auntHer saying that "you should accept it and that's just the way it is" is no good. That's not an acceptable response. A healthy sex life is an important part of a relationship, the longer you stay like this the greater the negative pressure on your relationship will become. It's important you deal with this, which you are doing!

Normally I'd recommend doing all the things... you've already done. If she doesn't feel like she's getting what she needs from you, in terms of emotional support and intimacy, then that could be the reason she doesn't want sex. But it does sound like you've been trying in that regard.

Given that you have a daughter, and given that you've been together a long time and this has been a problem for a while, I think you should consider getting outside help. In a situation like yours it's very hard to get any objectivity and see things for how they really are. Because of this, I recommend you two go to a relationship councillor / therapist together. If you can't convince her to do it for herself, she might be willing to do it for your daughter.

Given how sudden the change was, and the timing of it, it sounds like her issues could be something to do with becoming a mother or you two living together. Either way, that's likely got some deeper psychological roots, something a therapist will attempt to unearth and deal with.

Good luck.

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A female reader, BethyBoo Australia +, writes (26 July 2008):

BethyBoo agony auntmaybe she has an embarrassing infection? unlikely but still. iv heard this a couple times before. sex life is great, have child, sex life... not so great. she may feel that she may get caught by your daughter and doesnt want to risk it. i dont really know. those are just a couple suggestions. :)

B -x-

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