A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my girlfriend have been going out for four years now and we have a very stable, happy relationship. Last week everything took a bit of a shake, as I found out she had feelings for another guy (not huge feelings... but feelings) and It really felt like my world came crashing down. We spoke about it all, and we managed to resolve the issue. Although it was resolved.. I still feel awful and my emotions are all over the place. Its affecting my work for University and I just know that I love her more than anything, which keeps me going. But now I realised that she has to make a decision for which University to accept, both very very good Universities, but one is in the City and the other is about 3 hours away by coach/train. This has all hit me too hard.. its only been a week since we had a terrible time.. and now this. I'm just so confused.. I don't know what to do anymore... because she said she has not decided which of the two Universities she will pick.. but she wants me to accept that she might be going far away.I accept and respect the fact that her decision is for her future. But somehow I just feel like a tiny dot right now...even though we have been together for 4 years. :(.. I wish I could persuade her. But I know its really not my place to. I just get the feeling this huge distance will really stretch our relationship. All i can do is hope she stays in the city. sigh. Sorry I just needed to write this somewhere. If anyone can give me any opinions on this ...please do, I feel so sad inside.
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female
reader, Cinnamon_girl79 +, writes (9 May 2011):
 I don't think it's helpful to make sweeping generalisations or absolute rules about any type of relationship, particularly without knowing the personalities involved. Some relationships do survive university, I personally know more than a few. Not all of them are still together now, having split up in subsequent years after uni but it is possible to stay together successfully in this scenario. My sister are her partner are testament to that.
I don't want to give you any false hope though as the odds are stacked against you. . Just keep the faith - if your friendship is strong enough and you are both equally committed, anything is possible. Communication is key.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionnono, shes 21 and I am 21.. we have been together since the age of 17. Shes a late starter, and I am also at University... but I'm in the city.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (9 May 2011):
 serenity80 is absolutely right here, I know it hurts but it is just a fact of life I'm afraid.
If you have been together for 4 years, and she is going to Uni in September, that would make her 17/18 right? So you have been together since you were 13/14? If two teenagers came up to you now, aged 13/14, and said will they be together forever - what would you tell them? Would you honestly believe that two little teenagers have a chance of making it through everything life throws at you between the age of 13 and 21?
Some couples do last if they meet at school, but those are ALWAYS the couples that DONT go to Uni (not even local uni's, they dont go to uni at all). It is not the distance that will break you up, it is University itself. Your girlfriend is already displaying signs of getting bored and wanting to experience more from life (99% of girls who are in relationships for a long time as teenagers do the exact same thing). She has been with you 4 years, she probably has never had another boyfriend let alone kissed another guy, experienced the feelings of going on a first date...etc. Regardless of what Uni she goes to, she is going to realise there is a world out there and she has only experience one tiny tiny part of it - and she will want more. She will want freedom - not sleeping around, as many boys as possible freedom - but the freedom to go out until 5am dancing and not having to answer to anyone, the freedom to spend all her student loan on clothes and not have anyone tell her off, the freedom to basically do what she wants when she wants with whoever she wants. You will hold her back and that is where the relationship will break down.
I know I am the voice of doom and gloom here but I have been through it all and have never seen 1 girl at Uni who managed to stay with her boyfriend, regardless of the distance. Couples that I knew who went to the same uni even split up!
There is a massive difference between men and women at your age, and the development of girls and boys from 13 onwards is incredibly different. I will try and explain this as best I can:
1. Girls aged 13-15 - they are desperate to find a boyfriend. That is all they think about 24/7 and are obsessed with boys. When they get a boyfriend - they will stay with them long term.
2. Boys aged 13-15 - more interested in sports and computer games than girls. But if a girl comes along that they like, then they will go out with them. Often the relationships only last 2 weeks or so, but the odd one or two have long term relationships.
3. Girls aged 17-19 (Uni age) - they want fun, freedom and to feel like they are grown ups. Boys are not as important, having fun, shopping, holidays and living life to the full is the most important thing. Boys are a welcome addition, but they are not critical like when a girl is 13-15. If they have been in a long term relationship, they start to feel restricted and wonder what else life has to offer. They will develop feelings for other guys, they might start flirting more on their nights out and will test the water to see if they can get anyone else. Not because there is anything wrong with their current partner, purely because they can and they want to feel sexy and have a bit of fun.
4. Boys aged 17-19 (uni age) - there is a 50/50 split. The boys who are single become the bachelors, partying all the time, sleeping with loads of girls, drinking.....the usual 'lad' behaviour. The guys who have been in long term relationships - they are ready to settle down. They have a great girl, are happy and that is all they need. These guys will happily spend a few more years in a serious relationship and then will get married, without ever having the thoughts of 'what else is out there' etc.
At the end of the day University changes you, whether you notice it at the time or not. You become responsible for yourself, living away from home for the first time. You have new friends, new experiences and new challenges. You leave the small protected world of school or college behind, where you have only ever met a small number of people....and you are thrown out into the world, where you meet hundreds of new people from all over the world and you are open to so many new things. Your entire world changes, so to expect a person to stay the same following that is simply absurd. As you progress towards the end of Uni you think about your career, which again could take you and your life in a totally new direction.
I know this might be upsetting and after 4 years you would hope that you can make it through University, and there is always a chance that you could survive and come out stronger at the end. But there is a far greater chance that these next few months will be the last you have together - so make the most of it now, while you can. And begin to prepare yourself for the worst, so spend more time with friends and family, get some new hobbies or take up old ones again. Basically build up a life that does not have your girlfriend in it, so if things do go wrong, you have a good life to fall back on and it wont hit you so hard.
I wouldnt say all this unless I had been through it myself, I pretty much was your girlfriend back when I went to Uni. I had a lovely boyfriend, we had been together just over a year and I thought we would be fine even though we went to different Universities. And then within 3 months, it had all gone wrong. I wanted to experience life without being held back, I didnt want to miss out on the parties and fun at weekends when I was off visiting my boyfriend, I wanted to be free and enjoy University the way it was intended. I ended up having feelings for a couple of other guys, nothing serious but I knew that my feelings for my boyfriend had changed because I was looking at other guys, whereas before I never noticed anyone but him.
I am not saying that your relationship is over, there is a chance you might make it work. But I am just warning you because the signs are already obvious that your girlfriend is changing, and you need to prepare yourself that this may not be forever. Young love is great while it lasts, but it very rarely works in the real world because it is not an adult relationship, it was based upon teenage hormones that were running riot, rather than lasting compatiblity.
Support your girlfriend as much as you can, this is the rest of her life at stake here and she needs to do what is right for her not what is right for you. Even if it means things dont work out, you have to make sure that she puts herself first otherwise she will resent you forever for a decision that was not right for her.
Sorry I cannot bring better news, and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Cinnamon_girl79 +, writes (9 May 2011):
My youngest sister was with her boyfriend for 4 years when she had to leave our home town for university 3.5 hours away, while he stayed to complete his apprenticeship. Their relationship survived for 3 years on sharing weekends and holidays till he was able to move to down the city to be with her. They have now been together almost 10 years and are very happy living together..
So, it's not impossible for your situation to work out BUT there is no escaping the fact that such distance and particularly with the circumstance of one partner starting university is a real test for any relationship. Especially when your girlfriend seems to be at a point where she is questioning things.
It's really not nice to hear it from her, but understand it is completely natural for her (and you) to be attracted to other people. It's far from a definitive sign that your relationship is doomed. It's simply a natural consequence of being a vibrant healthy young person who is curious about the world and other people. Be glad that she is able to be honest with you about this attraction. Would you prefer that she kept such feelings to herself? She obviously cares and respects you enough to be completely straight with you and you guys are going to need a whole lot of trust if you are going to make this thing work in the long term. However sounds like you have to just wait it out for now until she has made her decision about where she will go before instigating a chat to see how she feels about maintaining a commitment to the relationship.
In the meantime, don't try to 'guilt trip' her, or force her into making any decision about her future other than the one that is truly best for her. Don't crowd her or smother her with your feelings - give her the space she needs to make the decision she feels is best for her. Simply let her know that of course you would prefer her to stay in your city but that you will respect any decision she makes. Be loving yet cool! The more you cling to her the faster she will step away. If you genuinely love her, as I suspect you do, you will want what is best for her - even if that means moving away from you.
So bottom line is, IMO, there's not actually a lot you can do other than be strong and wait to see what she decides. Even if she stays, there's no guarantee your relationship will last - don't take anything for granted!
Bear in mind that even though you may not feel it, you are very young. It's rare for relationships from youth to sustain into adulthood due to the way people change so much in their teens and early twenties. It is possible, like in the case of my sister who loves the fact that her and her boyfriend grew up together, but more than often people grow apart. You've had four years of love, you're very lucky. If it ends, you will always be able to cherish the memory of what you shared but as sure as night turns to day, you will recover and love again. Having a stable 4 year relationship at your age indicates you are a stable loving guy with a lot to give! This will be recognised by other stable loving people you meet in the future. You've got your whole life ahead of you and there are so many amazing people to meet in this life. It's exciting when you think about it :)
Please trust me when I say this, but it wont be the end of the world if and when this relationship comes to its natural conclusion. Act with *dignity* whatever you do and keep in mind the bigger picture - try to leave a positive impression especially if it's clear the relationship is coming to an end. If you act with strength of character, respect, patience and love in the face of your loss , then she will look back in years to come and be glad of the times she shared with you - maybe even regretful of letting you go. She will certainly remember you with respect. On the other hand - any type of snivelling, desperate, manipulative behaviour will mean she will be more likely to try and forget you for good! (I'm not suggesting you would act like that though, from your brief question you sound quite level headed.)
Who knows what the future holds, but whatever it is - you can handle it! Good luck.
PS - When the feelings of sadness and helplessness overcome you, I seriously recommend any type of vigorous exercise. Running is great for clearing your mind, but even a brisk walk can do wonders. Try not to indulge the melancholy. You're young and healthy with endless possibilities ahead of you - life is good. x
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (9 May 2011):
My honest opinion is that relationships rarely make it through university, that's especially true if one person goes off to uni, and the other stays at home. University changes you so much, you meet totally new group of friends and your entire social life changes.
I think unless you feel in someway destined to be with each other, university is going to be one of the biggest challenges your relationship has ever faced.
If she's already had feelings for someone else, I don't see it working out.
I think you should invest more time in your friends and in your own life, and make a little distance between you and your gf. You're gonna need your friends and a good social life if things don't work out.
You're so young mate, things will be absoluetely fine for you, no matter how things work out with your gf. You just gotta do the best you can, but accept things if you think they aren't going to work out.
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