A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Ok, I just want a general opinon from people to see if I'm out of line. My girlfriend of a few years has a platonic relationship with her ex. The ex and I don't like each other because, I feel he harbors resentment for me taking her away and because he on occassion still asks or suggests sex with her. He's a hopeless womanizer with no respect for anyone. I'm simply not comfortable with her spending time with him. The thing is that I do trust her, I've been cheated on in the past by others and am rather sensitive to the issue. Recently her ex and mutual friend wanted her to go out of town for a show, to be followed by heavy alchohol abuse and spending the night in a hotel. I ended up leaning on her not to go as it made me uncomfortable. She obliged but was not happy about it as she brought up that it seemed as if I didn't trust her. I feel very bad about it, as I do trust her, wanting her to have a good time and to not be a 'controlling' partner. So really...am I abnormal in being worried about her spending time (usually very drunk)in questionable situations with her ex? I do trust her..but my paranoia makes me irrational. I understand if she was to be 'immoral', then she was the wrong one for me but I still don't believe in inviting a chance for disaster. I can't stand her spending time like this with her ex....am I the only parnter in the world that feels this way??? She tries to make me feel that I am.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): Dude. she either makes you her #1 priority in her life, or she doesn't. If she doesn't, find someone who will. If she does make you number 1, then she wouldn't even be considering going out with an ex. You've made her your number 1, right? Your not trailing along an ex, or doing things to make her jelous. I know, you really like this one. Draw some parameters for her, and make sure that she understands what the consequences are if she crosses them. If she does cross them...cut her loose.
A
male
reader, Jugurtha  +, writes (29 January 2008):
Mate, you've been more than fair.
If your girl insists, maybe you should ask her to make a choice - you or the ex. (Scary huh? But at least you'll know where you stand.)
And by the by, I don't think it's your being controlling, sometimes some things are just non-negotiable. It's pretty standard that an ex (especially the one before you) doesn't linger.
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A
female
reader, speedcat +, writes (29 January 2008):
your definatly not unreasonable1 Im a girl and I think your girl is crossing the line big time! how would she feel if you did this to her? she should have respect for you, and thats not the way to show it! put your foot down, and if she doesnt agree with you maybe you need to "give her space" and see if she sees things your way if not then your better off.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo clarify, they were broke up when we started dating. When I say I stole her away, its simply that he would play head games to string her (and others) along so that he could take advantage of them. So I feel he resents I took away her as his personal head game play toy. I don't honestly believe that she has crossed any lines as she has been very honest and open with me about everything. Therefore, since I do trust her I shouldn't have a problem with her spending time with her Ex...but I do!! It makes her feel like I don't trust her, but I'm just untrusting of her ex and her being in questionable situations with him. Told her from day 1 that I'd have problems with her spending time with him, just hate feeling like a controlling abnormal freak about it.
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A
female
reader, Jmo +, writes (28 January 2008):
 Coming from a girl who is basically the girl you're describing (almost exactly), you have every right to feel this way. Unfortunately, the news isn't good. I'm not saying that she's necessarily cheating on you but chances are even if she hasn't, a line has probably already been crossed. Try and discuss you concerns with her in a warm not accusing manner. Try and ask her how she would feel if you seemed to relate to one of YOUR exes more than her. If she's anything like me, she'll probably deny everything until the day she dies, but just remember you stole her away from him. Remember that this states a lot about your character just as much as his. And you never know maybe i really is just platonic and because they have a past together they don't want to sacrifice their friendship. Anyways, I'm sorry and I wish the best for you.
-Jmo (drunken bad girlfriend)
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