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male
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anonymous
writes: Although she really does'nt need to be, my girlfriend is very insecure. She knows it too, but this hasn't changed over the 8 years that we've been together. We are definately still in love, but pointless arguements happen all the time, which make us both unhappy. A main factor that I feel pushes 'me' away is that she 'needs' to be hugged, an arm around her, hand held or cuddled - constantly almost 'all' the time (and definately a lot more than I do). Regardless of what mood 'I' may be in at the time, perhaps tired after a long day, or a problem on my mind, constantly get told that I'm moody or never put any effort in - when it may be that I 'just don't feel like a hug/kiss right now'. To be honest, being constatly told 'hug me/you never hug me/you never put effort in/etc etc.. just pushes me away, and makes me feel like I want to do it less (and have done over time - which makes things worse). In fact, it's draining and results in just anger. I'd like to do it when/because I feel I 'want' to 'at the time', not because I'm constantly told to. If I tell her this, she gets defensive and says it's me, and I'm just not bothered about her, and never show any affection - resulting in another arguement. If I'm tired, why can't I be? Sometimes if I'm not in a happy laughing mood, why can't I be? If I ever show an emotion other than laughing or being happy, I get told off or moaned at, and feel I'm not allowed? I am usually happy, but this brings me down and makes me distant. Is it me really not being affectionate enough, or is it her insecurity? What do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2008): Often I feel as though people give out what they in turn want to receive. I can not count the number of times my boyfriend wants space and I want attention. Wanting it does not make me clingy and getting his space does not make him less attentive. Their has to be a mid point or compromise. Each woman wants to feel protected and secure. Insecurity is all around woman. Just look at the television and all of the things that are generated by media as the way to treat a woman. Each man should not have to pick up where some other man left off or replace your daddy. Their is so much out there telling me they need to be Hero's. I am new to this posting and I have been told I was clingy, but I also take the time out to cater to my man. If I do not then I have an attitude, if I do then I am being obedient. Many times men do not know what they want and when we tell them exactly what we want we are being clingy. Waiting on you to make a move take too much time and patience. Hold me as long as you hold Monday night football or Madden play station games. It is not that hard just commit to it and see what the results get you. Maybe the ultimate a wife....ooooo the W word and C word in one paragraph. Ladies never let go of your standards and requirements give him a challenge and he will respect you. Mind does.Right on Point
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): It's a tough situation my friend. You love her and it shows with the 8 years that you've been together. But, don't destroy yourself being in a relationship where you really feel like you can't be yourself. The worst thing you can do is to stay when you don't feel happy anymore. Arguments only make a good day worse and a bad day horrible. I'm sorry for your troubles and I hope my words helped you in some way
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female
reader, yesohyesitsjess  +, writes (28 July 2008):
Sometimes I can be too clingie not meaning to but I just want to be touched more then I'm touched mow by my husband. I sometimes don't feel loved enough so yes I fight a lot with him. But in the end I Do love him. He's a great father he really is and a great husband too.
Jessica Bochan.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): my daughter and her boyfriend are constantly at each other lately. She is very clingy. I can see where the problem is but she will not listen to me. I am afraid to anwser the phone. I never know what to exspect crying or happy. I try to stay out of it but she seems to call. I understand why he does some of the things he does and i can see her side to. I like him and I know he sees whats going on but i just can't get her to listen to me. I think see what it is to but she can help the insecurity. What can i do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): Wow, the everlasting battle of the sexes. It's interesting, yet nontheless surprising to see the duality of all these responses here. Yes, women are typically more affectionate and thrive on love and attention. It's important to have your mates reciprocative emotional, physical, psychological, and physiological attraction. In the end, it's all about chemistry. That's not to say that if the chemicular compound works, that there won't be any issues, but if both parties have the chemistry between them that will enable each other to work together to reach a solution then a solution will be found, thus resulting in the couple growing stronger to continue in building a life together. But keep in mind, the longer the relationship, the harder it becomes to part...and remain that way. If the issues are reocurring over the course of time, (lets say, a few years), then maybe the chemistry isn't right.
I'm a 31 year old guy, my girlfriend is 34. ninety percent of the time our relationship is superb. Every now and then she gets frusterated when I don't swoop her up in hugs and kisses and give her that loving touch when she wants it, which is apparently on a constant basis. She often states that she has had this in a relationship before and that she shouldn't have to settle for less. I know the relationship she's referring to, and I know that the sex just wasn't there. Despite that I love the girl with all my heart, I couldn't agree more. Nobody should settle for less that their desires, that's the drive of life.
She wants me to be able to read the subtle signs and put forth the effort, which isn't always easy. If she lets me know, "hey baby, I need affection right now", the purpose has been defeated. By her letting me know what she wants, she essentially put forth the effort, and on the same note, she still feels that sense of rejection or insecurity because she felt she had to tell me, rather than me simply being on the same wavelength and subconsciously knowing that this is the time I need to let her know that I feel exactly the same way as she feels towards me. The differences between men and women are just a compilation of complicated facts.
Sex!!! The compatability on this subject between us is just short of amazing in that I'm alright with having it just once per week. She on the other hand would like to have it a couple times per week and thinks that it's abnormal for a guy to have a libido that takes up to a week to replenish. Now here's the catch, when my libido is high, I have a natural tendancy to be more affectionate aside from any desire to have sex. I wish my sex drive could exist seperate from my ability to embrace all of the values that she's looking for in me. Unfortunately, when the drive is down, I will act like nothing more then her best friend. The sad part about a friendship like this is that it's just not enough. It sucks that we may very well have to move on, but that's life. We walk the earth looking for that one person. There's always more than one person out there for everyone. This is why the very search for that special person is such a tremendously frustrating feat. Sometimes, you may be each other's counterpart but run into dilemmas such as ours, and if you walk away, you begin to think of all the bad and weigh them with the good. When the good drops to the mottom of the scale, the couple often comes to grips with the fear of loosing the other. Thus the cyclt continues, the issue continues to arrise and more time is wasted. This is common in the "break-up, make-up" cycle. If the issues are reoccurring, be strong and move on.
Refer back to the "A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2005)" response. I think she hit the nail on the head as far as how to work through it. I've followed similar paths, yet the issue continues to arrise since I cannot change and she can't accept that. When her needs are escallated, I cant always see it.
I've been with my woman for over three years and the same issue has arrisen roughly ten times. I'm contiplating moving on because I simply cannot continue to not provide for her what exactly it is that she's requiring. She knows that I love her, but wonders if I'm "In" love with her. If the difference of loving a person and being in love with a person is between being a best freind who's a great lover, and giving her the constant attention that she wants, then I guess I only love her. There are worse things in life.
Best of luck to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): I have been with an "insecure" girlfriend for 5 years. All I can say is this... if she's young and you've never broken up, she may never know just how hard the real world out there is and think her Pity Party act will always get her what she wants or protect herself. The older she gets, or especially if she's been single in the hard life for a while, the more she will learn to respect and admire the qualities about you she forgot about once her insecurities took everything over. MEN and WOMEN are BOTH DIFFERENT IN SO MANY WAYS YOU CAN'T COUNT THEM! You always have to treat women as different creatures....emotional, insecure, affectionate, etc. No matter how unemotional of a man you are, you have to conjure up something to make her happy, and ALWAYS make it genuine. If not genuine, you'd better be a damn good actor! Remember, relationships are all about compromise. If you can cuddle with her for 3 nights in a row and be romantic, then she better give you 3 nights to do what you want (as long as it doesn't involve anything extreme...bars, clubs, flirtation with women, etc.). If the playing field is 3-0, in the sense that you never get in return what you give her, then end the relationship, before her insecure-ass does! If you get dumped by an overly emotional girl like this you will feel mental for months. Trust me. Evalutate the circumstances and decide what's best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): Alright so I may have a bit of a different perspective on this.I really don't like excessive affection.. Usually I'mnot in the mood for it unless me and my girl are alone.I've been told that since I'm in a lesbian relationship, theres always going to be a 'man' figure, but I find it unfair to try and label someone with 'male' or 'female' habits. Isn't all the same?I've been cheated on before, but it causes me to be more limited with my affection, if that makes any sense.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): I am sort of in the same boat, but I am the clingy gf... I admit I am insecure, but does denying me attention really make the situation better? are you guys trying to make us females tough(er) and more independent, or are you just avoiding getting more intimate/affectionate? what does it hurt to let your gf know you love her whether via words or hugs/kisses... it feels like rejection and it hurts!
are there any other ladies that see changing to be less affectionate as a bleak future... how do you stop the dynamic of your man getting to decide when and how often you cuddle or are close... being told I'm clingy makes me react in one of two ways: 1. ignore him and keep trying to get close to make myself feel better and not feel rejected or 2. being like, fine... two can play this game and refusing his affection when he "decides" he is in mood to get close (hugs/kisses/sex). Will giving him some of his own medicine actually work or just make me feel temporarily in power???
I have so many questions... HELP!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2008): i have observed another interesting thing and that is the difference in the nature of both sexes to some extend both of them are right guyz putmore effort into a relationship in the begining but women tend to put it later on guyz tend to do everything when they want the girl to be with them and when they are secure that they have got her they are relaxed and stop putting in the effort but women on the other hand put more effort when they the relationship starts and i think this is the main problem.
Guyz arelike switches on ,off, on ,off and women are like heaters take longer to heat up but once heated stay hot for longer.sorry if anyone is offended but thats how i feel
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2008): I HAVE FOUND A SOLUTION TO THIS PROBLEM!! I have had the same issue in my relationship of a year and a half, as I have a habit of getting clingy. My man is so good to me, has bent over backwards to show me how he feels about me, and I still find myself (at times) getting paranoid and needy of more attention. I recently figured out the problem! I noticed that my clinginess is amplified when I loose my sense of independence. I have had this same issue of clinginess in every relationship I have ever been in. I start to get lazy in finding my own personal fulfillment and just rely on the other person for all of my fulfillment! When we come together for a lengthened period of time, I will notice him pull back at some point. I realize now that he is simply in need of a little space and independence. Which is totally normal and healthy. In the past, I thought it was because there was something wrong with me, or wrong in the relationship, which would cause me to get more clingy, needy and paranoid, and cause him to pull away even more, or whats worse, get angry with me. I am working really hard now to keep my independence always. When we come together for lengthened periods of time, I try to take a break and take a little time for myself. Even if it's just a short walk to think, or an escape into a different room to paint my nails. Independence is attractive and healthy! Clinginess and neediness is annoying! If she can't stimulate herself and revel in her own independence, she will have nothing to bring to the relationship and will require this fulfillment from you, which is too much to ask from a person. I suggest giving this advice to your girlfriend, otherwise, the cycle will only continue.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2008): Hey im in the same situation as you and I no how you feel, whats worse is im only 15 and it drives me mad, im deffenatly not spending my life with someone like that so why should, you, give her the choice, either tone it down or break up fully but yet you can still be friends. Thats what im doing deffenatly, I still have my self respect and so should you, do whatever it takes to make yourself happy. Why should you be miserable, ask yourself that, I mean I try to keep her happy but she never ever tones her obsessiveness down, and so im doing the right thing and leaveing her, im going to give HER the choice to either be friends still or be childish and ignore you. Dont let either answer get to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): It's funny because currently "I" am the "clingy girlfriend". I'm clingy because I'm insecure. Because I've been made insecure in a relationship where my boyfriend would pick up phone numbers from girls at bars as well as was texting a couple different girls very flirty messages, and even meeting with them at bars behind my back. I know I don't own my boyfriend and he does have a flirty personality, however, I still feel insecure. He says he loves me to death, and that he would never cheat or leave me for another girl, but it still hurts when I find flirty notes, such as one note that said that the girl's freckles were "sexy". And then they call him. And I don't exist to them. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts and it makes me a nervous wreck because I'm so emotionally invested in this relationship. To make matters worse, my boyfriend and I are in somewhat of a marriage-limbo right now and are currently living together. He wants to marry me, and I want to get married when I'm done with my bachelor's degree (in a year!) so I can bring income to our little "family" (me and him). I think this angers him because he doesn't see what me, finishing my education, has to do with us gettting married and he thinks that I'm just pushing it away. And thus, he flirts, he goes to bars without me, etc. And THAT is why I feel clingy. Because I'm insecure! I know he loves me and it breaks my heart that I can't just calm down when he's out late at night without me. I do give him lots of space already. We only see one another for two hours at night when he comes home from work (4-midnight, three days a week, 10-10 2 days a week, an hour or two at the bar afterwards). During school, I just see him as we wake up in the morning at 8:30am, then he's off to school, and me too. I actually don't see him that much, you know? But anyway, I think what would help me not be clingy, and I'm really working on myself here too: 1) Tell your girlfriend that you love her and mean it. Tell her she's beautiful, that she's the only one for you. 2) Give her kisses and hugs first so she doesn't have to ask be be rejected. My boyfriend often "isn't in the mood" to kiss/hug me, but it really does hurt to be rejected. She may be feeling emotionally-starved. 3) Tell her how you feel! It really helped me to have my boyfriend tell me that he was feeling choked by me because I'm really working on not being clingy by booking my days when he's not working so that we're not always together when he's free, by not calling/texting him, by repeating the mantra "If you love something, set it free", 4) Be true to your girlfriend! Don't do what she's afraid of (i.e. cheat, send flirty messages, etc). Build back trust if there's been trust broken in the relationship. I forgive my boyfriend, but it's hard sometimes when you fall back into those bad feelings.
I hope it helped to hear the other side of the situation. Your girlfriend obviously loves you very much and would probably take a bullet for you, you know? You just have to help her through this and be patient. You should really talk to her about how you feel and tell her that there's no one else that you would rather be with than her. Don't talk about how beautiful girls you work with are or anything like that. Just make her feel safe and when she feels safe and secure, she'll lighten up, you know? Trust me, I know myself, when I feel good in my relationship, I'm not clingy at all. It's only when I feel scared.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2007): Hey, i am the same, i always want cuddles off my boyfriend. Its because i love him so much i just want to cuddle up and be told how loved i am. I didnt know it was annoyin tho x
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): Is'nt it time that the female race stop being so selfish and demanding and actually think about the man in the relationship.
All the grief a man gets is down to the lady in his life.
And all the females on this site say the fix is to give even MORE attetion to the lady in his life as this will make things better.
Hold on a sec, what about the lady giving the man some attention for once.
May be a good idea as the man will respond more to one comment from his lady for the entire day, wheres a lady needs constant attention around the clock.
If the lady actually gave the guy some attention, he might actually feel she cares about his feelings for a change and she isnt just an attention demmanding bunny bolier.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2007): My girl and I have been together for like 8 months now. I have the similar problem of her being constantly insecure, jealous, and clingy. Our biggest problem is space issues. She's highly antisocial and refuses to hang out with anyone. She constantly complains that no one wants to be her friend and that if she tries to make friends they will abandon her. So she just relies on me for 24/7 companionship. Now every relationship needs SOME time apart but it's just too unreasonable for her to be ok with me spending time with my own friends alone. No matter how many times I explain it she always sticks with the idea that i'm ditching her to be with other people or abandoning her or something like that. I even asked a couple of my female friends if they would like to get to know her and be friends with her and she takes it as me trying to lend her off so other people can keep her busy while i'm elsewhere. I love her and everything but a guy just needs space. 24/7 clingyness can ruin a relationship and she just refuses to see that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2007): I'm in the same boat w/ my bf but I try to remember he cares
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2006): I really can understand your point me and my fella are having a similar problem.
When you first get together everything is great and your touching each other all the time and sex is amazing, but then the realtinship starts to ease off and for some reason men seem to give up on all these things that we loved about them.
It seems to us women as if your not making an effort to keep the spark alive, im not insecure, (well maybe just a little!) but its in a womens nature to see these differencs as they develop.
I mean lets face it, if your tired how is a cuddle or a kiss or holding her hand really gonna knacker you out further!, it just sounds silly to us.
Most women feel like they need a cuddle when they feel tired!.
So look at it from her point of view, Ok she maybe insecure but it certainly doesnt help the situation if you just refuse all the time. TRUST ME I CAN REALLY SPEAK FOR THIS ONE!!.
Its rejection, hurt , pain and a feeling that you just dont want to touch her for what reason?!.
Just try to be a little more considrate, us women are affectionate creatures we thrive off of affection and love. If you really cant be bothered to do these things for someone that you supposidly "Love" then you really shouldnt be getting into relationships!!.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2006): Oh, my goodness! I know exactly how you feel. I am in the same boat, except my girl constantly thinks I'm angry - it's like I'm not permitted to express any negative emotion. But, I'm getting near the end of my rope - after about 2.5 years of this. I made the mistake of moving in with her to address some of the "I never see you, I miss you so much, I'm so lonely". I don't know how you held out 8 years. After we'd rented a place together, a house I've wanted for many years came on the market, and although I am planning on it being "our home" she took my pursuit of it as an attempt to ditch her, despite the fact that I took her to see and and gave her the chance to give some input and a veto. She just assumes the worst always (so as never to be dissappointed), but it gets old trying to convince somebody that you love them and they can trust you when it's the task of Sisyphus (sp?).
So, I'm sorry - I don't have an answer - that's why I'm searching this site.
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reader, Mr.Ed +, writes (14 December 2005):
 Well, I've been on both ends of that spectrum. Hmmm.... What to do? I suppose you could just tell her to knock it off or not now. But, that would cause an arguement. You could just give it right back to her until she's sick of your affection however, that might backfire, then you'd be stuck. I know that I'm the one who is always moody and the real problem is I want what I want when I want it. Learning to compromise is extremely hard work. So my fiancee and I have set aside time for sex, romance, dinner, cleaning and anything else that may come up. Being spontaneous can be challenging but, we agree that it's not in stone. I find that I get what I want during those time frames and then I start looking forward to the events. I want my fiancee to be more assertive but in the end as long as she tells me she "loves me" (sincerely) I can handle everything else. Some days she goes overboard and it's kinda neat to see her get mushy, other days I do it; but it's not worth anyone telling you "your not making an effort". If that was true you wouldn't still be there nor would you be writing this column. Keep working on it but consider this. Communication is the number one key to a great relationship and people NEED to feel loved not just told. I actually told my fiancee the five second kiss and bye was not going to fly. I told her 45 seconds a day would not kill her and that if she was too lazy for that just let me know. Now every morning I get about 1 minute of affection before going to work and I make it last all day. It really took me saying that because she didn't have a clue as to what I wanted. Now I just tell her everything I feel and how I'm feeling/ what I'm thinking. She does the same and guess what! I don't wonder anymore! Good luck and I really hope you find happiness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2005): end it, not goin ne where
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reader, True Sweetheart +, writes (14 December 2005):
Perhaps your girlfriend is insecure because you are so non-committal. You claim to love her so how about being pro-active in the area of love. Have a talk with her to find out what it provides to her to be physically attached. Is she needing you to establish to the world at large that you are in a LOVE relationship with her (because she has no commitment from you and you do not mention any issues in this area). For women - this is an issue because she is definitely hearing from everyone - "What... you've been with this guy for eight years and he hasn't asked you to marry him?" She's hearing it from EVERYONE either directly or indirectly. That is why she is feeling insecure. She needs you to hold on to her in public because she wants what she shares with you in private that is so good she has hung around for so long without a formal commitment - to be visible to everyone who tells her that you don't care about her... oh yes, and she's hearing that from everyone as well.
You are at "the breaking point" because you have pushed her to the breaking point with your stubborn resistance to demonstrate your confidence in your love for her. Her insecurity is a reflection of your keeping her in suspense as to whether or not she will ever give enough to prove to you that she's "the one". She must be pretty wonderful that you have stayed in for eight years so how about taking the next step in acknowledging publically that you believe in the relationship with her. You don't want to leave her or you would have. How about letting both of you off of the hook and celebrating the discovery of the love of your life by treating her like the love story of your life?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2005): Of course you can't be happy and affectionate every minute of every day. Part of her job, if she loves you, is to accept all the worst parts of you and let them be okay. Love is supposed to allow those kinds of character flaws.
But I think you're out of line on the hugging/kissing/hand-holding thing.
Maybe she's clingy and insecure and this is all completely ridiculous and she should just get over it. That may be entirely true. But it's still her, and she clearly hasn't gotten over it. Do you think that she's making up how much it hurts her? Do you think she's just faking all of this? Try forgetting whether you think there's a valid reason, and just focusing on the fact that she's hurting.
People grow up learning to express their love for others in different ways. If all of her models have always been very affectionate, it's what she'll come to expect. Other people are very verbal, others are very service-oriented. It sounds to me like maybe you two are different in this way.
It sounds like you guys really love each other, so it'd be a shame for a difference like this to break you up. But for things to work and get better, you both need to put in some serious effort. And right now, I think you need to be the one putting in the most effort, not because you're 'more wrong' or because it's 'your fault' or anything like that. Just because it sounds like she needs you more right now than you need her, and relationships aren't 50-50. That's a complete lie. Sometimes, real relationships are 99-1. Over time, it should balance out, but that's over a long time.
Your girlfriend needs something from you, and even though it doesn't come naturally, you should be trying to give her what she needs. For the next couple of days, try to spend a few minutes at random points in the day thinking of the things you really love about your girlfriend. Then tell her. Email her, or text message her, or write her a note and stick it on the bathroom mirror. It doesn't matter. She needs to feel your affection, and there are ways for you to show it that don't require you to be cuddling more than you feel like. Spend a week just really focusing on her needs and acting the way she would want you to act. If you're upset about something during the week and feeling down, TELL HER - say it in a way that makes VERY clear that it has nothing to do with you.
Your girlfriend may have some real self-esteem and possibly depression issues, so it's important that you really focus on making her feel secure -- it won't kill you to really go out of your way for a week. The reason it's so important is that it will make her more receptive to the conversation you guys need to have. The more comfortable she's feeling, the easier it will be for you to discuss the problem from a more relaxed point of view. Plus, it will show a good faith effort on your part of trying, and that will make her more likely to listen.
Eventually, you need to talk to her about coming up with a plan for how you can avoid these problems. Explain to her that, while you know it's not fair for her to just have to change all her expectations and needs, it's not realistic to expect that all your natural inclinations will change automatically. Ask her for ideas as to how the two of you can work together to remind her regularly how important she is to you. You might also suggest that she consider seeing a counselor of some sort, or contemplating whether there might be larger issues underlying what you see as unfounded insecurity.
If you put in a good effort and then talk to her at a time when things are relaxed, I'm sure you can come up with a workable solution.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2005): ok, this situation rings a very familiar bell for me. my boyfriend and i are in a long distance relationship so it might be a little different, but i am the girl who always wants the hug. maybe your girlfriend just really loves to hug you, and have her arms around you. her telling you "you never hug me" is her way of maybe wanting the relatonahip to be more physical. lets face it, women think on a more emotional level than men do. so you not hugging her one day when you are tired might make her think (for some whacked out reason that i can not explain even though i AM her) that it translates into you not wanting to be close to her. she gets offended at this, and thus the arguements.
have you ever read "men are from mars, women are from venus"? if not, i suggest skimming over it because i believe that there is something about this issue in there somewhere.
your gf might be insecure because of the lack of affection you are showing her. if you are not hugging her she thinks that something is wrong in the relationship (when really..you are just tired).
i think that you should be flattered that your gf is so physical with you. it means that you have a body that she wants to touch and maybe she wants that to be reciprocated sometimes. maybe you could give in just a little with the hugs, and in return, as her to be a little more understanding. hope this helps, and good luck with your situation!
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