A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneI've been in a relationship for about 2 years now and it's all going well, we are compatible in most ways however there is one thing that bugs me.That thing is a lack of ambition, drive, motivation etc.It's quite common to hear of women wanting to dump their boyfriends who aren't ambitious and there are many posts online about this. It's a reasonable expectation for the man to be ambitious, pursue a career etc. However the opposite seems to be true when a man feels this way about his girlfriend.When I met my girlfriend we were both masters students and she was full of ambitions. However since then she has basically given up, has no interest in findings jobs, she quit the job she did have as she didn't enjoy it and regularly says she just wants to be a house wife. I have nothing against housewives, I just feel a bit disappointed as a few years ago that idea would have terrified her. She doesn't make any effort on her appearance anymore and just wants to stay at home or do online shopping. She is very smart, interesting, funny, she could achieve a lot if she only applied herself more.I do love her and I am nowhere near considering breaking up with her yet over this. But it's not unforeseeable that someday in the future I could consider it if this current situation continues as for the lack of a better way of putting it, I find ambitious and motivated people more attractive and don't want to carry all the burden for our finances.Do you have any advice on how i can raise the subject in a sensitive way without making her too hurt?Thanks very much for your time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2018): She’s maybe just lost confidence and lacks direction. Maybe point out to her that in this day and age, you really need two incomes to get by, especially if you have kids and that you don’t want to carry the full burden of financial responsibility. What if something happens to you and you can’t work for a while? Then you won’t have any income. Discuss with her what sort of job she would like, help her to find her direction again. Encourage her to apply for jobs that she looks suited for. Explain that in the future maybe she can work part time and look after kids, but that it will be good for her to have some financial independence as well.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2018): You feel she is a burden but most likely she thinks you are wanting to marry and have children!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 June 2018):
 I honestly think it's fair enough NOT wanting to carry the entire financial burden in the future.
And I think that was one of the reason you were attracted to her in the beginning, because she ALSO were ambitious.
I would venture a guess that she could be suffering from depression here. Or like wiseOwlE suggested a sort of burn out. Maybe the filed she picked is not really what she wanted or.. there isn't much of a career for a women in it?
Wanting to be a housewife now, when it "terrified" her some years ago could be 1. that she has given up (hopefully temporarily) of finding a job in her field that she will enjoy 2. she thinks being a housewife is easy 3. she is wanting to start a family.
The thing with jobs is ... they aren't all fun and exciting. It can be the same shit different day 5 days a week for 40 hours. But it bring home a pay-check that PAYS for the cost of living, fun things, material goods etc. etc.
Are you two living together? And YOU are paying for everything including her shopping online? If so, I'd cut her off. And I'd sit her down and explain that you can't afford to pay for the two of you. (nor should you have to, you are NOT her parent and she is an adult who needs to CONTRIBUTE) and you are NOT her husband (so NOT RESPONSIBLE for her financially).
How do you tell someone that? Well, you have to use a bit of finesse and tact. You know her best.
Maybe one way to cheer her up is to take her out on some dates.
I do think you need to nip this in the bud and have the talk ASAP.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2018): It seems that somewhere along the line she became disillusioned or discouraged.
Secretly, she may have always wanted to be a housewife and mother; and the ambition was a facade for the very reasons you gave. Everyone expected it of her. A person who lacks ambition doesn't successfully make it through grad-school. She must have hit a road-block; or gotten side-tracked by an unexpected failure. It happens!
She may be suffering a little burnout! You should also check the side-effects of her birth-control prescription. Also be careful what you say in arguments, or regarding her weight or appearance. It can have a devastating effect on a woman's self-esteem. If one of your exes showed-up; and you were too over-joyed. Not good!
Many very ambitious people I have known have pumped the brakes. Taking time-off. Some have taken sabbaticals to teach abroad, pursue fellow-ships, or to do research. While others barreled full-steam ahead into their careers; they just needed a time to sloooooooow-dooooown!
She's very young; and it's likely a combination of all these things. She may be hoping that you'll see her not only as someone who has ambition; but notice she also has a domestic side. Maybe wife-material. If she gave-up on her appearance, what's she so busy shopping for? If she has no income, how's she paying for it?
Shopping is almost a fix, or a form of therapy. It creates dopamine.
You don't get to decide what she should want to do with her life. Nor do you get to judge her. No more than it would be up to her to decide how ambitious you should be. Maybe she would like you to become a billionaire. What's the likelihood?
My advice is to always seek people who are your best match; not those you have to change to make them what you want them to be. Pursue those people who already possess those qualities and attributes you want. Allowing for some lovable quirks and reasonable flaws.
If she's not holding-up her end of the household-expenses; address that particular issue. Let her grapple with her career goals and ambitions on her own terms. If she feels everyone is disappointed in her; it would make matters only worse.
She may be going through a personal-crisis deciding what it is she really wants to do with her life. Have you had a discussion about her goals and plans lately? Or did you just jump to this conclusion, based on her quitting her job?
Maybe something happened at her job she didn't tell you about. You may only know a few details that she shared; not necessarily what truly may have happened. She may have been passed-over for a promotion, didn't feel her skills or qualifications were appreciated; or just got tired of competing with men for equal-pay and recognition! Sometimes women just give-up! They throw in the towel, and throw-up their hands! Allow her some down-time; but she has to work to help pay the bills. Especially if she's using credit cards!
People often don't reveal their disenchantment, inner-conflicts, and demons; because they don't want to be judged or criticized. So, you see only what's on the surface. If you're judgemental; she will be as hard to open as a clam.
You may have a vision of whom she should be; but not a real picture of who she is. So she just gave-up on that too!
If she doesn't make any effort on her appearance anymore and has become sullen and introverted; she is dealing with something. Perhaps depression.
Don't question her ambition; ask her if anything happened that might have discouraged her about her future? Don't pressure her for answers or cross-examine her. Let her feel free to confide in you. Her parents may have already beaten her up about it.
Genuinely show concern about her; not your disappointment in her. That's what her parents are for.
She needs your support and encouragement; and be given the opportunity to share what's going-on hidden inside. That takes a lot of trust. Be patient. Ask her, if there's anything the matter with you or the relationship? That's scary, but the best opening for a dialogue.
So don't judge her; until you know the reasons for the changes you've seen in her.
One thing about women you can count on; they don't mind opening-up and sharing their feelings. If you're willing to shut-up and listen. If you've got a ready-made speech to tell her what a loser she is; she'll just clam-up, and retreat back into her detachment and solitude...and shop!
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