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My girlfriend spends too much time flirting with other guys!

Tagged as: Dating, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 June 2005) 29 Answers - (Newest, 21 February 2011)
A , *cotty_uk writes:

I have been with my girlfriend for a year and a half and recently things havent seemed right. She spends a lot of time with a 'friend' but I have met the guy and don't trust him.

A few days ago my girlfriend swapped sim cards in to my phone and her txt msgs from him were saved. One of which is him begging her to kiss him. I talked to her about it and she assured me she wud never do that.

I basically said I was more annoyed that she didnt tell me. We recently had a conversation as she felt too young to commit, but after thinking, she chose me as she felt secure and didn't want anything else.

This meant no flirting with guys etc but over the weekend whilst camping out with her she has began to blank me out. It is my birthday in a few days. I don't want anything but her but am I being paranoid in thinking she doesnt want the same? help. thanks :0(

View related questions: am I being paranoid, flirt

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011):

I personally don't think you are being paranoid because it also bothers me when my boyfriend flirts with other girls. But instead of necessarily blaming her, try to put yourself in her shoes. She may feel that you flirt with other girls, which can make her feel unwanted and unnoticed, so that may cause her to flirt with other guys to get your attention. You should probably talk to her about it, and if she ignores you and doesn't seem to care about your feelings, then you should break up with her. Even if you really like her. A good girlfriend won't betray you.

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A male reader, jalboy United Kingdom +, writes (13 January 2011):

one thing that strikes me reading these answers , and I don't wish to offend anyone ,but men , grow some balls and stop pandering to these women!! yes mild flirting ok, we don't want to control each other, but touching other guys? ringing, texting? no way my friend. Women will flirt for attention as as we all will, who doesn't want to feel attractive to the opposite sex , but if gets beyond mild flirting bin her off. The worst thing any man can do is put women on a pedastal and let them get away with bad behaviour, seriously , women test men to see how much crap a man will take , most men kiss the woman's ass so as to please her... WRONG... if she 's flirting bad with other men, first off go and give her a taste of her own medicine, if that doesn't solve it dump her and remember she's only a woman, there's millions more out there

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010):

find a new fish bro , it happend to me ,all the good looking girls are unfaithful . thats what i learned but it was too late, im now in my late 30's and have a wife that i love very much. but yiu have to be ready to say goodbye , staying in a relation ship where you cant go a minute without thinking that you being cheated on is unhealthy.

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A male reader, roysten Ireland +, writes (23 August 2010):

roysten agony aunt

You might find this interesting Reading:

Women are basically genetically dispostioned to have multiple partners.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexy_son_hypothesis

or a short feature on this worrying fact of science :)

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/OnCall/story?id=1469078

In the animal kingdom (and contrary to popular belief in humans also) women do the wandering. Its in their self interest, the best 'Father' for their child may not be the best 'Mate'. I believe this has something to do with why women act this way.

I fully believe that my Girlfrien Loves me completely. She tells me so and I have no doubt its true. She wants to be with me forever.... and yet I can think of at least 3/4 guys who she speaks to regularly via facebook/ phone / Skype who openly confess their love for her. She knows this infuriates me. She says they are just friends for her... that im the only one... but at the same time she will slow dance with a friend who she knows wants her when im not there, She will let them flirt with her and laugh at all their jokes, reply to their constant messages... she doesn't understand why this is unacceptable to me.

The long and short of it is men and women ARE DIFFERENT, when I have chosen her as my Mate i desist with what you might call 'Level 2 Flirting'. I.E , regular contact with someone who I know wants me sexually. Womens brains for the most part arent wired that way.

This Saddens me somewhat as I'd prefer it if it wasn't so. My girlfriend is slightly different because she is 100% honest. She will tell me what she does when Im not there.

I want her to change but I need that change to come from within her, I need her to see that those knids of affiliations based on another guy sexually desiring my irl have no place in a mutually respectful Adult relationship. But I dont want her to learn this by loosing me, I want to keep her for my life.

So this is the problem I believe we all face ( assuming your girlfriend is good looking)... If shes hot others will want her, she's genetically enclined to be receptive to other attractive and persuasive males. This doesn't occur to her as a moral breech of respect in the relationship... even though she will admitt that the thought of me carrying on the same way would drive her demented with jealousy.

So how do we deal with this?

I have a few theories but would love to hear more. Obviously you need a relationship based on trust but thereafter the role of friends in regulating such contact with other males ( who we all know will be sneaky to get at her) is not to be underestimated. If she can't be seen to flirt with these guys because your mutual friends would dissaprove this will help for when your not around.

Note this is NEVER a problem when we're together, harmless flirting with strangers in a bar is no problem, we both feel comfortable with that.

anyhow I've said too much but this is something that I feel could play a huge role in my life.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010):

For me there are general unwritten "rules" when it comes to dating and flirting that should be followed for males and females.

If you wouldn't want your b/gf doing it to you, then you shouldn't be doing it.

Flirting is fine but don't make it personal. Don't start friendships and relationships with people that you are just flirting with. This is how cheating starts. Once feelings get involved you are cheating. It doesn't have to be sex or kissing etc...

Before you start flirting with randoms just let them know you have a b/gF and you are happy with your relationship so that they don't have any expectations beyond friendship. That way if they press the issue you can say "I told you I'm happy with who I'm with, we can't see/talk anymore".

Don't go on "mini dates". This is a tough one for most women. Women will meet guys through work or sports or school or friends and then start going/planning "mini dates".

If you're both secure enough that you don't mind the "mini dates" at least introduce your b/gf before going out with them. This way the other person involved knows you aren't looking for anything other then friendship.

Now when you are insecure don't check emails/fb/txt because they can often be misconstrued because you don't know the context of the conversation or whether its an inside joke etc...

Rather then getting all suspicious ask who the person is that is bothering you and what their relationship is. A friend from work, a friend of a friend, someone they have known for forever, a family friend etc... If it's possible just say next time you plan on going out with this person I want to be there so we can be introduced. If they refuses, there is a problem. There should never be a reason why you can't meet a friend and at the point you tell them, either I meet them or you can't see/talk with them. If they say no, you break up.

Generally people worry over nothing. Better to just talk about it.

For the record my GF does this same shit as you guys have been saying all the time and it bothers me just like it bothers you but better just to talk about it and make sure you set your boundaries. Above I listed mine and I expect my GF to follow them because I follow them for her. If she decides a secret relationship or some random is more important then your own peace of mind then dump her and find someone else who will respect you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010):

leave her

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A male reader, iamloyal United Kingdom +, writes (14 July 2010):

Do you know what people, I am in the same boat. look am with a girl for nearly like 8 months now and we are having a baby.... this is her 3rd relationship....

one thing i hated her telling me is that she went through a phase of sleeping with many men and she enjoyed it....it hurt me so much that even this day on i still have this feeling in me when will she do that again!!

why do they do this to us for? like she can act very secretive over the phone but hey we just gotta live with it.... its hard but very hurtful when all your trying to do is show them your pure love for them....that yes sometimes i think when she says 'I love you too' does she really mean that???

cus one moment she is all very loved up with you then next she will switch.... it just feels like a rollercoaster as one moment you're feeling loved up then your feeling hurt....

its like, 'Youre Giving But Not Receiving' and what i mean by that is your giving them everything but you feel that you dont get nothing in return.....

How I feel and what i say to myself is NOLU! (No One Loves U!)

No one has done so you can only love yourself well if your lucky to find someone who gives a damm about ur heart....till then NOLU!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2010):

whoever the female is on top of the page on Jun. 29th is everything that is wrong with women. Why are you testing and playing on your man's confidence and insecurities? Love isn't supposed to be a test of attention it is supposed to be about communication of feelings directly, not by playing mind games. Why can't everybody just communicate and only flirt and treat a romantic relationship as sacred. I treat my girlfriend a certain and special way. NOBODY ELSE is treated the same way.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010):

i flirt with other guys. all the time. in front of my boyfriend. i do it for various reasons- 1) to see if he trusts me enough not to get upset. 2) to see if he wants me enough to try and stop it. 3) so he would give me the same kind of flirty attention that i get with other guys. i love my boyfriend, but now thats the thing. we arent just flirty for fun anymore, but i need that attention as well as the attention im getting now. and 4) to see how he reacts- that shows me how important i am to him. i would never go too far with the flirting. just far enough to see his reaction- it says a lot of things

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010):

hey guys and girls,

i'm in the middle of a similar situation.

a week or two ago, she told me on the phone that she thinks she likes another guy. i was no doubt upset and didn't want to talk to her until she made up her choice between the other guy and I.

we've been going out for 6 months now, so i was shocked as to how this other guy popped up. at first, i was angry and upset, but then i realised that she is just being honest with me. she wanted to ask me to figure out if she actually liked the other guy or not. after getting myself together, we talked about it, and turns out, she realised she did NOT like him at all.

but since then, it feels as if i lost a little trust in her. i don't feel as insecure as i don't know how committed she is anymore. and like every other comment here, she DOES tell me she loves me a lot. i just wanted to let her know i have a smal part of me which feels insecure, but then the next day when she asked if we needed some time apart, i see her talking non-stop with other guys on facebook etc...with comments such as "you're such a pretty boy - nice hair and nice clothes." to me it just sounded like she was very interested in this guy.

it seemed like she coudln't get her eyes of this guy, even though he clearly had a girlfriend.

this just confused me even more...and i got frustrated and just coudln't hold it in any longer. i pretty much yelled at her, but if i could have taken it back, i would've.

when i asked what she was doing, she had no clue as to why i was upset. it was just because of this slight insecurity, that all the negative thoughts came to my mind. after arguing and yelling at her, the only thing i did was make her upset as well. our relationship was SO close to ending.

now when i think about it, i should trust her MORE. i never should have believed what her friends said about her...and all the rumours that made me even more upset. when you pick someone you know that is worth it, they wouldn't do anything to harm you, but only care for you. this is what i have realised over the passed day. and this is what i'll continue to do from now on. this will help me understand and stop feeling uncomfortable when she talks to other guys.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010):

Well this is going to sound really stupid, but some girls flirt with other guys and try to ignore you to get your attention, even if you think you give her your full attention and you'll always be hers, she might think differently. I used to do this because i was insecure that my boyfriend liked another girl, so i would flirt with other guys and ignore him hoping to make him see that he needed to fight for my attention and that i wasnt clingying. but i later found out i was only hurting him and he was in love with me and only me. Just talk to her and tell her how much you love her and how she's the only one you love.

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A male reader, Drifting United States +, writes (17 June 2010):

Dude I know whatya mean. My gf always has *Guy Friends* and always makes excuses whenever I see her with em like *Oh I just make better friends with guys then girls* . And whenever we on a date or just hanging out she seems to talk bout other guys more then anything. I told her up *Hey I don't feel comfortable you always talking about guys and everything. I guess I'm cool with you Talking to em aslong as I got proof you ain't doin nun. But if ur just gona talk bout other guys it makes me feel like I ain't even needed* I found out that she actually starts to cool it down with the other guys if you give em a lil taste of what they doing. I recently started talking more to another friend of mine (female) and just talking to this 1 girl made her tick. I told her why should it bother you if you got a bunch of guy friends you can talk to. Basically only real answer I can give out is either give em what they dishing out, talk to em one on one, end it, or let them now you don't have to take it and are no ones second prize.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2008):

i like that last answer bc my girlfriend does the same thing and i have just been tryin to trust her with things and about 2 months ago she almost hooked up with my best friend when i was gone for a week to my cottage. she had texts on her cell with him and she now deletes them so i cant see them. she flirts with alot of guys too and i hate it so much.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2008):

hi dude it happend to me to just talk to her and ask her to stop it we broke up for 2 weeks because i got angry just dont do that you may regret it i did but then asked her back out so there you just talk to her about it and dont let it make you angry. i did then when we broke up the guy asked her out she sed no sooooooooo im well happy =)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008):

Dam dude my gurlfriend does the same thing. I hate how she talk's about other guy's like her guy friend like after she hangs out with him she comes to me and talks about him like im her friend and he's the boyfriend it get's me so f*cking pissed and it makes me sad at the same time it hurts when she does this :( i told her stright up about it in a nice way and she jus told me "how come your saying all this"? i told her im not doing anything and that she was doing it. But what does it mean when she does this and when i tell her she gets all sad and crybaby about it sum1 help me please??? i really do love her so much....

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008):

man i'm going through the same crap. I'm going out with this girl and i was gonna find some time to tell her i love her for the first time at a party but i didn't know where it was and i couldn't find a ride. so i just screwed it and didn't go...then i figured out that she kissed a guy that night. well i forgived her but she said she is real confused and we are kinda on an off moment. she says she likes to have fun and does "stupid" things when she is having fun but doesnt want to worry about hurting anyone's feelings. what should i do?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008):

Hello there, recently I have been having the same problem, mny girlfriend tells me that she loves me then some random guy comes by and starts flirting with her and she returns the favor, I know how much it hurts and when I confronted her, like these other men she would just tell me everything is ok and that there's no other guy for her. It makes me feel that I'm not doing enough for her too make her see how much it hurts me and not like I don't want her to not tell me either, it's better to let it out now then to find out later. My girlfriend told me that she can't help herself because she was so used to doing it before she got with me and it's a hard habit to kill, I'm just worried 1 of the other guys might actually think she wants to get with them and they might do something if she says she prefers me over the guys, I'm willing to do my best to protect her but I can't always be around her.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2008):

I really liked the last answer from NordicBeauty because it is the only solution that ever worked for me. Games, Mind Games, guessing games, all of that does not work.

The first part is trust. If you don't have this then why are together with someone? Having said that, I believe the key to re-establish trust is to simply talk to the person you love...it requires some courage and a calm state of mind but I know at some point you just have to do it else you will only be hurting yourself. No one is psychic so just talk to the person. Say what is bothering you. Ask them how they feel. In the end try to improve and have the conversation lead somewhere because you both want to be better, not worse. This can mean you both break up or love each other more. For me, I love my girl more. She is improving and I am as well. Sometimes it's hard because she would do somethings again that hurts me but I just talk with her, and we get it out. I find out that it bothers her too...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008):

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 8 months. We love each other and we would die for another. But she is just too damn guy friendly. I checked her myspace comments and this guy seemed to be flirting with her. So I checked his myspace page and she's practically flirting with him in every comment. It pisses me off. What pisses me off most is the fact that she says she loves me more than anyone and anything and Im the only guy for her. If im the only guy for her then why the fuck is she saying "I love ya" to other guys? Whether it be as friends or not, it still hurts like hell to hear that.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008):

whatever you do dont fight fire with fire it will only backfire on you trust me

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008):

Look, dude. Here's how I would handle something like this, and here's my opinion. You shouldn't be with a girl that does that. Maybe it's not the answer you wanna hear, but it's true. If she spends time with a guy that wants her to kiss him, and keeps spending time with him even after he has asked her, it seems like only a matter of time before she gives in.

This means she has obviously been flirting pretty heavy with him if he is wanting her to kiss him so badly, and that means she is disrespecting you. Maybe you like her a lot, but don't let your heart get in the way of your brain...it happens all to often and it hurts a lot of people. If she doesn't stop hanging with the guy, tell her you wanna break it off. Who knows? Maybe that will frighten her and she will show you how she really feels about you and everything will be alright.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2008):

ya man, freakin, i recently moved out of state and my gf wanted to stay together with me. And i really love her, but now its really confusing. She wants to get engaged, its obvious by the way she talks. yet she kissed another guy, and flirts, not a lot, but she does. If I was not a nice person I would end it now, but im too nice and idk what to do? I like this girl here, but i havent even made a move on her cause i dont cheat, but i cant trust my gf anymore. DAMN

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008):

My girlfriend does the same except for the fact she will go off flirt with this guy comes back to me giant hug and a i love you your my favourite then bam off to the guy again i dont get either and its not like when its the two of us its bad but she always seems in a better mood with him then me but when were alone she claims she loves me to death i just really dont get whats going on with her help please?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007):

hi all, my fiance is kind of the same, we have been together for about 9 months now and i moved along way to be with her, gave up all i had, it wasnt much but still, everything was great at first, durin the honeymoon period, but since i got here she was always very secretive with her phone, she wasnt wen i used to come and stay, only once i moved here. Then one day i went out with a mate to play poker nd i had taken some numbers from her phone nd found out that they were numbers of men across the country, now, i hurt, but more at the fact that she had been hiding it from me than that she had been flirting, she always pretends to be someone else than who she is, i know she hasnt physically cheated on me, but i feel second best sometimes to these other men.

Anyways, we spoke about messages id seen on her phone, ofcourse i was in the wrong for looking in her phone, but she admitted that she souldnt of been doing it. we said it would end there forgotten bout. not that easy for me! I found she was still doing it, which was denied ofcourse nd we argued about. Sometimes i just dont know what to think or believe, i really do want to trust her and believe what she says, but the secretivness is still there, she was in the living room this morning nd left her phone in the toilet, nd i just went to pee nd she came to the door t get her phone, just so it wasnt near me. I dont care about the thing anymore who she txts i just hate her not trusting me, the phone goes everywhere with her, to the toilet in the morning, in her pillow case when she sleeps, in her pocket whenever she leaves a room. I know trust has to be earnd but where do i start here? i dare not bring up the topic of the phone cos it will lead to an arguement.

I'm just letting it all out here folks, dont bother reading on if you dont want to! how do you trust someone if they dont trust you? I often tell her that i want to know about stuff that she was doing with the phone, she says her past is her past, which is fair enough, but she was doing it whilst she was with me, does that not give me the right to know? god im starting to sound like a male bridget jones or something, god help me!!!! im anthony by the way, feel free to reply or give advice to my situation thanks for reading i feel a bit better now!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007):

wow... my girlfriend does the same thing. she claims to love me but she seems to like someone else. im going to a private school and im afraid that if i leave shes going to break up with me and go out with this kid. she already hugs the guy and spends more time with him than me. if we are ever talking and one of her friends comes up to her, she'll stop talking to me and just talk to her friend. ordinarily i wouldnt put up with this but it hasnt always been this way and im afraid i did something wrong.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2007):

i currently feel the same about my girlfriend

when she starts to blank me out, i just go up to her and give her a nice hug and a kiss on the cheek or something

but she has been doing it more than ever latley and it is really bothering me, i feel paranoid in that all im thinking about is if she feel the same about me that i do about her

when we first started going out we would always hold hands, walk together, kiss everyday....now, its not exactly like that

so what i did was actually quite simple: at any given moment unless she is talking to someone, look her in the eye and tell her that you love her and she means the world to you

trust me, she will look at you and tell you the same :)

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A reader, Scotty_uk +, writes (21 June 2005):

thanks for the feedback. i can be over protective at times. my brothers fiance is an agony aunt and she went thru alot with me. i think i have a better understanding of whats best

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A reader, robinlovescena +, writes (21 June 2005):

robinlovescena agony aunti am not trying to be mean at all, but i think that this chick is trying to give you hint that she wants to break it off with you but she is scared so she is trying to give you the message that she wants you to break up with her, because she thinks you will be upset and she does not wanna hurt you. trust me, son this is what is going down in funky town. think about it. and if she keeps saying that she loves you and that that is not what si happening at all, then you need to ask yourself....what if she could be cheating? flirting is a major sign of cheating and you may want to look into calling her more often. if she is going to the mall of somewhere, ask her who is going to be with, what time she will be back and after she gets back call her, and ask her everything that she had done. from beginning to the end. details and everything. she may think this is being nosey, but you are just conserned.

good luck

~Robin~

aka advice gurl

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A reader, NordicBeauty +, writes (21 June 2005):

The fact that your girlfriend spends time with a male friend should not alarm you, if you trust her, but knowing that he texted her "begging her to kiss him" and she kept this truth from you...is valid ground for you to be alarmed.

The 2 of you need to have a heart to heart conversation about being honest with each other.

Do NOT use anger to express your feelings or she will absorb only your negative emotion instead of your concern.

Be firm & concise...confident in yourself as a man who has much to offer her, and the fact you desire to grow together as a couple.

You state that she chose you because she feels "secure" with you.

If you want that security to REMAIN stable, then you need to realize that harmless flirting is OKAY, it adds spice to the relationship, but EXCESSIVE flirting is inappropriate.

We are sexual creatures, and will continue to be attracted to the opposite sex until the day we die, so if you expect someone to have "tunnel vision" only for you, is unrealistic.

If you give her the freedom to flirt then I GUARANTEE you will notice a positive change in her attitude towards you.

She will be more relaxed & secure in your company, instead of "blanking you out."

Jealousy & possessiveness are DESTRUCTIVE...passion and desire are healthy & exciting...feelings worth exploring.

Remember...when you go out with her...she is on YOUR arm, and she is going home with YOU...she may check out the "hamburger" on the menu...but you are her "filet mignon!"

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