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anonymous
writes: Hi,I have been going out with a girl for a few months. We love each other and are very passionate and she tells me I am the love of her life. We spend as much time together as possible and I believe her that she loves me. However, the only cause of argument we have is that she insists on having a large amount of male friends. They text her often, in the mornings wishing her a good day etc. She claims it's just friendship. I think that these guys are only doing this because they are not in relationships themselves and are perhaps hopeful... She says, that even if they are hopeful I shouldn't worry as she has no interest in them in that way. However, being a guy and knowing how guys think I find this a little disturbing.Now I find myself feeling suspicious everytime she receives an sms or phone call. I hate this feeling.what should i do?
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male
reader, 00alawre  +, writes (5 June 2008):
Hey there peeps, having the exact same problem with my gf at the moment! We've been together for a fair amount of time now and alot of her male freinds started ignoring her wen we got together, apparently they didnt like her having a bf or something stupid. I know these people and get on with them but they just ignore her now and treat her differently.
Anyways... besides that she seems to think its fine to invite a bloke round her house to watch a film... even though i hadnt seen her for over a week and she knew i had a day of work (could of asked me to do something). Anyways she calls me paranoid and tells me i dont trust her, but i do! But as a man, and most men will agree, being good freinds with a female on her own, just you two, is not all there is too it. For the women maybe, but the man will always be thinkin in the back of his mind that he's being freindly more of a reason than just being mates. In other words he thinks that he can get in on it, and probly thinks she wants to aswell, especially if she invited him round!
It really bugs me when she does it because i know for a fact that she would not be happy if i invited a lady round mine to watch a film. Its different when its a group of people, men and women, but wen its one on one and more personal there has got to be more there than "just freinds" surely, otherwise she would of asked me to do something right?
Just not sure what to do about the whole situation, i love my gf very much and shes told me she loves me, and the last thing i want to do is push her away or lose her because of my thoughts so what do i do? any help would be much appreciated ppl!
Thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): My girlfriend has many guy friends, and I have expressed how uncomfortable it made me feel, and she insisted on hanging out with these guys because she is bored and they were fun to be around! She totally disregarded how that made me feel, so I finally gave up the fight, and now I am doing the same thing! She always told me it wouldnt bother her if I did the same to her, but now she hates it, and now she truly loves me, and those other guys dont mean a thing, and she will stop talking to them and hanging out with them! That is all great, but the part of our relationship where I use to care about how she fealt is gone! I love her, and I want to be with her, but I figure what is good for the goose is good for the gander, and now it is her turn to see just how bad it hurts!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): If I were you, I would be skeptical about her motives with these so called friends. My last girlfriend broke up with me solely on the fact that she wanted to hang out with her male friends more. She didn't say it to my face, but I know that's the reason because a few of them had returned from college and she started hanging out with them all of a sudden. It was almost as though she had begun dating other guys right in front of me and then decided she didn't want to be with me anymore. That was a two year relationship, just think of how much influence other guys can have on a girl's decisions.
I would keep an eye on how much she is communicating with her guy friends. If you notice that she is asking them for advice on certain things or talking to them about her personal life and things you normally wouldn't talk to a platonic friend about, you need to bring it to her attention and have a talk with her. If you don't find out what exactly is going on, you might end up the same way I did. I lost the girl of my dreams over some stupid guy friends.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): The last reader says "If you are like most of us guys, you are ok with this behaviour at some level." BS. Any guy with half a brain knows that none of his girl's "guy friends" are wasting time on chit-chat unless they think they're going to get some or they already are.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): The last reader says "If you are like most of us guys, you are ok with this behaviour at some level." BS. Any guy with half a brain knows that none of his girl's "guy friends" are wasting time on chit-chat unless they think they're going to get some or they already are.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008): Speaking as an older male who has experienced this issue:
1) Some girls like hanging out with guys...just for the attention or just because they dislike hanging out with other girls...if you are a guy that hates that type of thing...plain and simple...find a girl with different habits.
2) If you are like most of us guys, you are ok with this behaviour at some level. Talk to other guys (not her friends - your friends) who can observe her habits. If the concensus is that you are being unreasonable, try to work on your issues...I am telling you jealous tendancies can be lessened over time.
3) If it is unreasonable behaviour and other people also agree...dump her...period.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): It sounds like your girl likes the attention. The guys may not be in a relationship, but she is and they need to respect that. She needs to be upfront with them, so they are not hopeful of a relationship with her. . . and she should respect you enough to curb the texting of those she deems "hopeful."
Just my opinion!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): responce to" A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008):
Ok mate u say that u r 16 and she has had a heap of other relationships & by the sounds of it u r not getting any action from this chick anyway.
If thats the case i can tell u that she is getting her action elsewhere & u would be better off checking out if she has a her sister instead.
If u r not getting it now then u r going to b one of the many guys thats hanging on her MSN buddies just waiting for the chance to bang her again of for the first time.
so do yourself a favor and move on mate because a chick with too many guy friends is not a good chick to date if u really want to keep your sanity.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): Look im 16, and i know that i have a lot to learn about relationships... but it dosnt mean that i cant get hurt the same way.My gf and i have been together for a few months and shes all i can think about. She has an abundance of male friends, that she talks to on the phone, txt messeges, or even hangs out at her house... she tells me she loves me and i beleive her, its just when i start thinking about her and all these other guys do i get this feeling of jealusy. did i mention that every single guy friend she has, shes gone out with before, some more serious than others, and that her brother is a close friend of mine. shes constantly bringing up other men in front of me or on msn, and how shes in an arument with one, and another is helping her through it, while the other one is sending her love letters telling her that he misses her and wants her back. I'm afraid to bring this up with her in case i come off as controlling, and i dont know what i should feel like. do i have the right to be worried, or am i being paranoid and i need to grow up, or maybe a combination of the the two. I don't have a whole lot of other female friends and i got to thinking that if i did, i dont think that she would want me to be spending as much time with them as she dose with her other guy friends, although she would probaby say that she is ok with it, just so that she wouldnt have to abandon some of her guy friends.In the past shes blown through relationships like no one iv known before, and that worries me too. im also afraid that if i try to bring me insecurity up with her that i wont be able to spit the right words out and it will result in a break up. One more thing... my gf refuses to do anything with me thats not paced correctly even though shes done shit with other guys when they werent even dating. when i confronted her about this, she said that she wanted to go slow with me so that our relationship lasts longer than her previous ones, because she loves me to much to have a relationship based on sex. this could either go two ways... either shes telling me the truth and she realy loves me that much that she wont rush into anything without a lot of planning and occasion, and in that case i dont know what to think :S. or she could be completely bullsh@ting me and she wont do anything because she either is doing it with another guy and would feel guilty to do it with me, or she thinks that im ugly and it would be gross. I just don't know what to do, im worried that if we wait too long to experiment that our relationship will turn into a brother sister one almost, and if that happens, then things would just be weird for us if we did decide to experiment.Anyways i've ranted long enough and would greatly appreciate it if some1 gave me some advice on how i should deal with my jealousy and insecurity, when repsonding call me "Noon"
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): I have the same issue with an ex-girlfrind that i stillhave a lot of feelings for, but she has way too many other guys in her life, we broke up initially because she didnt trust me when i spoke to a girl at one of the gyms that we go too, but it was ok for her to collect other guys phone numbers and go out to "Dinner" with guys that want to give it to her??
well we have had this on again and off again relationship for a while now, but i have figured out the best way to deal with her is to play her at her own game, Put the competition back into our relationship, i just ignore her a little, i dont call her back for a day or so, for some reason she is now chasing me?? i get laid when ever i want, she knows the i have a girlfriend (eventhough i dont lol) and she is constantly giving me ultimatiums about leaving my girlfriend, its awesome :)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): I have been going through the same situation ever since I met my girlfriend she has receive text messages and phone calls by her so called friends but my situation is worse because these so called friends have been ex boyfriends and friends that can't wait to get a shot at her, this has been the main reason we argue and it's to a point that I can't stand her even having a phone, it sucks!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): i don,t know man i am kind of going through the same thing you are you know the naked girls on music jesus welll she thinks i am looking at them but i know i am not i don,t know what ot do it,s really making me mad what do you think i should do well i think you should just say i dont really like you having a large number of friends but i love you
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): Bev, yeah thats what they all say...but what happens wen boyfriend gerts jealous too much and DOES push her away and then what she does is end up with in a relationship with one of these "friends" afterwards (I speak from experience)............ us blokes know exactly why blokes are "friends" with girls...to simply have a "fuck buddy" "fuck friend"
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): I would like to put my two cents in on this subject. I feel as though you shouldn't date someone who has many male friends. You are taking a risk, and you need to worry about yourself in this situation. There is the capacity to cheat, especially if she is going to be involved in a one-on-one interaction with a male. Feelings are spontanious, and it doesn't matter if these males are catagorized as "friends". These "friends" can still make an attempt at your girlfriend. There is also a possibility of your girlfriend accepting one of these attempts, especially with a "friend" she feels more comfortable around (has been "friends" with for years).
I also feel that if a woman has the need to go on dates with male "friends", then she is not ment to be in a relationship. She will attempt to say that these interactions aren't dates, and call you controlling if you question this. Many of you have talked about your girlfriend going to the movies with another guy. THAT IS A DATE! What do you call it when you take her to the movies... A DATE! You shouldn't have to compete to be in a relationship. You are asking to be emotionally scarred in the long run.
I would consider the "only friends" statement ambiguous. She is infact filling voids in her emotions with many relationships (many male "friends"). Perhaps she can connect with these "friends" better on some subjects, in comparison to how you connect with her. If she has had these "friends" for years, you aren't going to have a chance to hone how you interact with her on these subjects. Simply put, they know ways to make her feel good, ways that you haven't discovered yet. You probably won't get a chance to either. Once she is set in her ways, there typically isn't any way back.
So why does she want you as her boyfriend, and why doesn't she call these other "friends" her boyfriends? In my opinion, it is because you were randomly selected as her "boyfriend". She may favor you slightly because you make her feel better in a way that no other "friend" has figured out. Also, I feel as though she must crown one as "boyfriend", because then this opens up the competition (aiding in making her feel better about herself, makes her feel like a princess). She doesn't call these other "friends" boyfriends because, quite simply put, there would be no competition then.
In conclusion. IMHO, she is only using you as a tool in filling her emotional voids. She is also pumping herself up by having many men compete over her, trying to become the crowned one known as "boyfriend". You can find a girl that is better for you. There are many fish in the sea my friend.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): Looks like this is a thread that will run and run. Im in the same position as most other guys here, my gf has recently made friends with a guy, she says its just friends but he has admitted to me and her that he would be happy to get involved with her and that he does find her very attractive. He knows that his being around is causing problems but it doesnt stop him texting or ringing or calling round for advice. She does not want to be dictated to about who she can and cant see and i dont do that...BUT i have asked that she do more to stop him from 'pushing' the friendship so much and to back off a bit, but she wont do that as she sees it as me telling her who she can and cant be friends with, ohhh and she also points out that i used to have a good female friend who caused problems in our relationship (although she forgets that since i realised it was a problem my friendship with that female has changed to the point that i hardly ever se her or her husband anymore just to appease my gf).
Stay strong guys, women will always have the upper hand sadly and all we can do is accept it and deal with it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): First and Foremost, mY boyfriend and I are having the same problem..he gets upset when i look at other guys but it doesnt mean that i DONT love him..i love him alot and he needs to understand that..he only recently confronted me that I look at other guys in the mall..i wasnt aware that i do this but it happens..but again i love my boyfriend and i think he is being a bit paranoid..
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2007): Like many others, I am in the same situation - my girl loves male attention and has an untold number of guy friends. She has even confessed to me that she is resentful toward her father for working too much and not being around more during her childhood.
I had been with her for almost two years before I chucked her from the house about a month ago for lying to me about where she was one night while I was at work. She told me she spent the night at her aunt's house babysitting but a friend later informed me that she was actually at a party with this guy who has a lot of balls and has been giving her too much attention for months now. To sum it up, this guy won't look me in the eye when the three of us are all in the same room. I even learned that the guy acted all squirrely when my brother (who looks just like me), not knowing the connection, went into his store one day. So you know where I'm going here.
She moved in with a girlfriend, but we still work together and see each other and have to act professionally. Basically I only see her at work, but since she says she has to "find herself", I give her the space that she says she needs and I roll with the punches. But then she keeps telling me that I am the love of her life and that she loves me more than anything in the world. Then last night, she sends the hard-core re-kindling vibes and she takes me out to dinner and it was great. On the way home driving she gives me a busniess card to the jeweller that has the engagement ring that she wants me to buy her and when we get home we make love again for the first time in months.
So what happens when I call her during my drive home from work tonight? She's at a bar and met up with a guy friend, but insists that they're only friends when I asked who she was there with. That's fine, but why didn't you want to spend time with me? We both work like 60 hours a week and when she has a few free hours, it's with other guys (or gals, the sex doesn't really matter).
Okay, so I'm insecure. Shoot me. My biggest hang-up is that I can't be the everything-man for her. If I'm as great as she says that I am, why do I have to constantly compete with other guys for her attention?
I chose to let her go before I Googled and found this thread. It's so hard, her being such a big part of my life for so long. Basically I am ranting and seek no real advice, I just wanted to help any other men that are on the fence but suggesting that they have some self-respect and drop her and move on with their lives.
And to Bev Connoly: With all due respect, you have no idea what makes the male mind tick. My advice to you is to read as much as possible about the subject, and when in the company of people who are talking about the subject, ask plenty of questions.
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male
reader, mandefro  +, writes (8 November 2007):
I was so excited while i saw your question because these were happened to me.I had a girl friend nine months before . I love her very much even if it does not known one's heart feeling, i think she loves me . As you indicated, she has a lot of male friends, and she is also so open that guy thinks as love them. In contrary i don't want to have many female friends. I told her many times to quit this behavior but she could't and finaly our relationship discontinued even if i love her.Do you remeber one tale in ethiopia " kesho yetetega kulkual zelalemun siyalkis yinoral"
bye
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): I have had the opportunity to read all of the responses to this question and I'll add my two cents to the discussion. I am currently in a relationship like this. My girlfriend has guy friends that she hangs out with (one on one a lot) and it makes me extremely uncomfortable. Further, she is extremely flirtatious and doesn't seem to understand the whole "respect your man" issue. I think it comes down to ego, ergo selfishness on her part. I don't think she'll do anything, but that's not the point. For example, she went out with a male friend recently (a guy who I know)to a bar that all of us had been to and she told me that it would just be the two of them and that it would be funny to confuse the bartender. Huh? My first instinct was to ask why the bartender would be confused. Does she interact with her guy friends the same way she interacts with me when I'm not around? If so, that's grossly inappropriate. My response was that the bartender wouldn't be confused, he would just think that she was in a polyamorous relationship. That comment didn't make her too happy.
The second issue is that the guys that would hang with a girl and not respect the relationship are a bloodsucking, weak guys. The only reason they hang out with our girlfriends is that they don't have any themselves! Pathetic.
I'm not sure in the end that there is much we can do about it, except to let the girl go. Before that, however, I would have a frank (and diplomatic) conversation with her about the issue and give her some time to sort it out. If she doesn't get it after a while, let her go. You'll be happier for it in the end.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): the guy freinds she has want sex. thats the blunt answer
if ur girlfreind is unwilling to acknowledge taht then you will have to try a differnt way to explain it to her. Ask her not to see them as much as before, but there is no way in hell you can expect her to be ok with you telling her to not see them at all. if you think you need to do that that you dont need to be with her. haha but contrary to what bev said, them wishing her a good day isnt freindly at all, who the f@ck whould go out of there way to text your pritty g/f in the morning if they wernt interested?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007): There is an overall theme that we as males are faced with in all the above writings. We are all deeply insecure of ourselves emotionally, financially, intimately, physically, and in other more complex ways that women don't understand but must face on a level where they see us at our worse. We must first and foremost, define our relationships with others, especially our wives and girlfriends.
Is it an open relationship, where there are no double standards i.e.: You have a female friend that you can chat, text, and go out with, without any feelings of jealousy? There should not be any double standards if this is the case, and both persons should be open and honest about their platonic relationships.
Do you trust the person you are with? Does she respect you? This doesn't involve you setting rules and she following them. Respect is when she is treating her platonic friends as if you are there watching her every move (but please don't as this is grounds for a breakup). Is she speaking intimately or flirtatiously with other men, because that in a form can be considered cheating. Cheating does not always involve coitus or even physical contact. Cheating is just sharing something special with some one other than your significant other.
Here's my suggestion to all: get to know her friends. Hey, what the hell go hang out with them too. Get to know them more than she knows them, and that will help you feel better about them hanging with her. Next, and most importantly, talk to her. Talk to her honestly and openly but without judging her or anyone she knows. If talking doesn't help, or doesn't work, this is the wrong person for you. The core of any healthy relationship isn't setting rules or boundaries or even just being with someone attractive that you have to suffer with. It is COMMUNICATION. Communication works both ways: talking and listening. Good luck to all, may we all work through our issues and find peace and happiness and love.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2007): Look dude I have the exact same problem with my girl friend. Ive been dating her for about 4 months. I understand why she has mainly guyfriends: she lives with 3 other girls and she hates girls. Most women enjoy the company of men more than other females. And trust me a girl that is open and honest about her friendship with other men in front of you is a keeper. Chances that she will cheat on you are less likely than a girl who only hangs out with other girls and every other saturday its "girls nite at the club"!! I dated this girl with tons of girlfriends who always told me "I hate being approached by men they all want the same thing..." and she ended up burning me badly. Now i enjoy the company of this girl who knows tons of guys but is a true and genuine sweet heart. I'll take this girls word of honesty in an uncomfortable situation over the comforting BS these other girls used to tell me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2007): I think it's great to get a woman's point of view (above), because it shows that woman can not intuitively understand the instinctual perspective of males.One can be the best boyfriend in the world and thus should be concerned about his girlfriends putting themselves in bad situations. We as guys know that these guys are either gay or waiting for her to become single or vulnerable. Thus, they can feist on the rebound. This is instinctively known on the subconscience level of men even when the are unwilling to admit it on the conscience level.Since we can't expect them to accept the male drive, we need to convince them of the right course of action . Ask your girlfriend to answer to herself in private, does she have sexual feelings for her male friend(s)? Either way it's good for her to see less of them when she's in a "love" relationship. Because, if she has sexual feeling for her male freind(s) frequent one-on-ones with them shows that her attitude towards you is not what I would call "commitment". Conversely, if she dosen't have sexual feelings for him, she shouldn't string him along. Unfortunatley, most people don't want to see the truth.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007): I've always found this to be interesting because it's one of only a few cases where a double standard works against men.Of course this isn't always the case, but most of the time it is much more permissible for a woman in a relationship to have several male friends versus a man in the same situation. My guess is that this goes back to the idea that the woman will display more restraint -- and perhaps there is some truth in that.Anyway, I found myself in this situation: I was with a very attractive girl who had several male friends that pre-dated us getting together. Even after half a year together she would still go out with a particular male friend to the movies or nice dinners.Now I did trust her, and obviously you can't tell her to not speak to friends she's known longer than you, but I did explain to her that it made me uneasy and why.As guys, we know why we're friends with a pretty girl when single. I mean seriously -- is it because you love pretending to be understanding when she calls you sobbing after a fight with her man or something gone wrong at work? Of course not...you're friends with her because you enjoy the ego boost from being with a pretty girl, and because in the back of your mind you're positioning yourself for when she's available...or even before.The sole female response (from Bev Connoly) drives home that point. Your girlfriend sincerely believes that her guy friends are just interested in chumming around, but as men we know that's really not the case. Even when (and often especially when) we truly enjoy that woman's company, there are ulterior motives in our heads. Perhaps they'll never be acted upon but they're there.To the guy who wrote this question, ask yourself this -- would you text someone in the morning just to "wish them a good day" if you weren't interested?? Absolutely not!So I realize I'm rambling so to cut to the chase here's what I did, and it worked out pretty well:I found a moment (while watching an MTV show about cheaters...brilliant TV I know) where I could seamlessly start a frank discussion about this kind of thing -- re: what would make each of us uncomfortable. To me, this is KEY in a relationship. Establishing with your partner what makes each of you uncomfortable in regards to opposite sex friends, because then when that line is crossed, you do have grounds to be upset, or more optimistically, your partner will respect those lines and there will be no problem.You need to have this talk with your girlfriend and explain your very reasonable concerns. If she is a stable person she will at least discuss it with you and you two can come to a compromise.Once again, you can under no circumstances tell her she needs to cut it off with all her male buds, but you can establish ground rules that both of you can live peaceably with.It's a tough situation so good luck.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007): I've had this problem as well. My approach, now, to this situation, and any situation that is not in line with what I am looking for in a relationship with a woman is to be honest with myself. I think this is one of the biggest mistakes men make and it's due to our ego and our desire to be with attractive women. You have to be able to walk away from something when a legitimate red flag occurs. If your girlfriend is doing something that you are not comfortable, ask yourself if you think she would really WANT to change for you, not change because YOU want her to change. I am of the opinion that it's easier to count on people not changing and your results are more predictable. Find a woman who does not hang out with men. A woman that has more male friends then female friends is showing some pattern that, in my opinion, is a red flag.If your girlfriend is going out with guys and you don't like it, let her go. You will be both happier in the end.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2007): I have the same issues with my girl friend and her guy friends (particularly one of her X bfs). So far I've found no good advise and just a lot of guys who have the same problem. The girls that respond indicate that it's all about trust and they are not going to change. Well let me say trust is only one component of a relationship. Another important component, at least for men, is respect. I expect that two partners will have mutual respect for each other. If you are a guy, try having female girl friends, lunches with girls, going out with the girls, etc. Would your girl friend put up with that? So, why are we males expected to put up with it from our girl friends? Give me the same respect and consideration that you want! If we all approached relationships that way, relationships would be much easier.Here is an analogy: Let's say your girlfriend's boss wanted the files sorted in a certain way, because that is what makes him comfortable and that is how he can find things. Is she going to say, "you’re not changing me, that's the way I am, that's how I file, adjust to it or…"? No, she is going to do what her boss says. Why then do the girls treat their "lovers" with less respect than they do an employer? Is not love the most important thing in life, above possessions, jobs, etc. ? (I know some guys want to be the boss and be controlling, I'm not talking about that situation). First, we need to be men. Be honest, be true, be upstanding, protect those that are weaker, do what is right, etc. Be of good character. Be the best men we can be. This is ht women are looking for but they just don’t seem to want or be able to give up the old “good time Charlies”. We need to help through that.Second, we need to communicate openly and tell our women how we feel. This is the hard part for men. Partly because we don’t' like to show our feelings and weaknesses and partly because we think and communicate differently than women. Third, we need to let the women know there is some accountability. Don't sneak around with your guy friends because you know we don't like it. Don't make up stories about how you were just walking and .... or whatever. If a man feels a women is not being honest, that will eat at him and likely it will lead to the end of the relationship. Both parties need to keep it honest and above board.Fourth, women need to ask themselves what they get out of the extra male relationships? Is it about their ego? Do the have a daddy complex? Is their man not fulfilling there needs? Why don't they have more girls friends? Why? After all, one woman is expected to be enough for a man – right? What ever the reason, the women need to address it so they can have healthy and appropriate relations ships with all the men in their lives, particularly if the want to find a keep a good man long term as a lover and life partner.Why don't these women have more girls friends? My guess is that it is like this: Most guys that have girl friends who have a lot of guy friends, are probably dating a hottie! That's right, I bet most of your girl friends are hot and have been in several (at least 2-3 other) serious relationships. The guys she knows like to be associated with her because she is hot. The girl, if she is hot, likely has a huge ego to feed. She probably likes attention - you can tell if you go out to a club by watching her actions and who she talks to. That type of girl needs to examine herself and ask if she really wants a monogamous long-term relationship with a guy or is she just out to have fun all the time?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2007): Man, I have the same problem. My girlfriend has a lot of guy friends that she loves to hang out with. We have only been dating for four months and I'd like to think that we love one another. I just can't seem to trust her around these guys. I know that part of the reason is that she tends to get frisky when she drinks and when she goes out with these guys she drinks. Maybe another part of the reason is that I'm insecure about myself and relationships due to past relationships. Can someone recommend something that I could do to get over this. I really don't have any reason not to mistrust her and I hate the way it makes me feel and worse yet, the way I act when I feel thi way.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2007): My g/f has a couple of male friends, me and her used to go out a lot, but ever since I have lost my job I haven't had the money to go out like we use to. Now lately she has been goin out with one of her male friend a lot, and he pays for her. I don't know what to do. How does anybody feel about this situation. The guy is single, and he always asks her to go out.
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male
reader, brokeanddumb  +, writes (4 May 2007):
My gf has 3 male friends that she thought would be good mentors for her children with no father around. She told me they were apparently using her kids to get to her, but still maintains a friendship with them. Friend one calls her all the time, stops at her house, gets angry if she talks to me or goes out with me. Cries all the time, tells her he loves her and is so obsessed with her it's scary. He refuses to meet me, even though we have sat at the same table together.
Friend 2 I haven't met yet. As soon as he found out about me, he wrote her a long love letter that he stuck in her door.
Friend 3... met him right away. He shook my hand, then refused to look at me the rest of the evening and had that "whipped puppy" expression we've all worn or seen at one time or another when hearts were breaking.
The point is, I have been very patient with it all up til now. It's been wearing thin anyway, but today, while we were speaking on the phone, she says, hang on, I have another call. A couple minutes later she comes back and tells me it's friend 3 and he's inviting her to straddle up behind him for a motorcycle ride, and wants to know if it's ok with me. She's true to me, I have no doubt whatsoever. This isn't a situation where I'm worried she'll dump me for him. This is a situation where I can't understand how she can value a "friendship" so much when she admits he used her kids to get to her, and obviously is looking for more than friendship from her. This is a situation where if it were reversed, she would be jealous as hell. Finally, this is a situation where I think the most trusting person on the planet would have a problem with his or her significant other climbing onto a motorcycle with somebody who wants a romantic relationship with them, regardless of the level of mutual interest.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2007): I have to admit i am in the same situation myself and my GF even asked if she could go away for a few days with this male friend she has and bit my head off when i said i dont think i could deal with it based on the fact i couldnt trust him and she took it that i couldnt trust her. It is so difficult and at times i feel it is eating away at me, she often talks about her other male friends and she goes out to the cinema by herself with a one of them and has dinner but again i am assured it is just friendship....grrrrr it is so difficult to trust a situation based on a given word, the old story of you cant see what is happening behind closed doors, what gives me reason to trust her?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007): i,ve been going out with my girlfriend for nearly a year now and i still can,t see the light when it comes to the subject of male friends.She has loads of friends, some of them male, of which one of them she never stops talking about.He flys over to see her every 2 months, they go out for lunch, dinner & drinks and she seems so thrilled about it - she seems happier than with me! i,ve questioned her about if she,d made a big mistake with me but all she can reply is "don,t start that subject again".Impossible to talk!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2007): I'm in the same situation. I give her the benefit of the doubt but it does make me uncomfortable. Young women these days seem to be extremely ego greedy. I think it is selfish and disrespectful in some cases but i accept that that's how 99% of girls are.I have a few female friends but we don't text each other constantly.
Its obvious that if a guy is texting a girl regular he's after a more than friendship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2006): I am in the same situation with my girlfriend. To counter this feeling of her having guys always pumping her ego, I started collecting girls numbers and making my own girlfriends. Now there is nothing going on with them and myself, but these girls would like to date me. Now I have girls making me feel good about myself but its not helping with my current g/f situation
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2005): If you accept this behaviour then it will never stop. You know as well as I do why these guys are texting her. They are trying to move in on you. Have you met them? I bet you haven't and you never will. They will sneak around. Don't let anyone tell you to get over it and accept it because I bet you won't. It is bad behaviour from her and shows a lack of respect for you. You are right to feel how you do. Move on is the best advice I can give or you'll regret not doing it later. Believe me. It might be hard to do but the future with her is bleak i'm afraid.
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reader, shan +, writes (20 May 2005):
You say you have only been with this girl a few months. Has she actually done anything that makes you doubt her? Tell her how you feel, but remember she may have been friends with some of these guys longer than she's known you, so be careful and learn to trust her. If you don't you'll push her away. Good luck.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (19 May 2005):
 Speaking as a woman who has lived my entire life surrounded by a large number of strictly-platonic male friends, I would suggest you step back and look at this objectively:1. The friends were there before you were. Trying to tell you girlfriend who she can have as friends is about as off-limits as you can get. It's like trying to control what she can wear to work, or where she can live and, it's not on.2. She has told you that she doesn't have any romantic feeling towards them, so you have to trust her on that. Relationships can only thrive in a climate where trust is bountiful. However "hopeful" those other men are, and however fevered their thoughts may be, I doubt they could "trick" your girlfriend into falling in love with them, just by sending her a text message.3. The texts that you've described don't sound particularly worrisome. You don't write that they say "Hey hot cheeks, how about another one like the one from last night?" You write that they wish her a good day. That's not really all that threatening... honestly. Is it?You say that you're confident that your girlfriend loves you. That's pretty much all you could ask for. However, if you must, consider mentioning to her - in a non-judgemental way - that sometimes you do get concerned about the number of messages from her male friends and you can't help feeling a little jealous that she's still so popular. Perhaps ask her... kindly, respectfully... if she'd be willing to reduce the frequency that she responds to them, so that they 'get the message' (so to speak) that she's n longer available.Finally, remind yourself again and again that, even in the midst of all this male attention, she chose you. YOU, sir. Apparently, there are lots of men who she could go out with, but she doesn't want any of them. She wants you.Repeat, repeat. Re-repeat. Good luck with it.
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