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male
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*uku
writes: I have the hardest time talking on the phone with my girlfriend, we never know what to say. And it doesn't help when I never talk anyway as I'm a quiet guy. But it's like we don't have anything to say. Our conversations are usually all quiet ones with hardly any talking. What can i do to reverse this? How can i learn to talk more, or make it so that we aren't quiet throughout the whole phone call? Or how about just different things (topics) to talk about (besides the cliche 'hobbies and interests'? Thanks. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Mr S  +, writes (17 July 2006):
 I would say that this is a good thing not a bad one (for a start it will save a fortune on the phone bill) but jokes apart talking to a friend or partner isn’t the important thing it is communication that is important. Many people can speak on the phone for hour upon hour and say nothing and they spend a fortune too boot. I would first ask yourself am I communicating effectively? If you are you have cracked it. If you are not then start by asking yourself what need discussing both on a friendship level then on a more personal level and take from there.
Good luck
Mr S
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (17 July 2006):
 My first thought is that you should cut back the phone conversations until you actually feel that you have something to say to each other. There's no written rule that specifies that "...a phone call between romantic parties A and B (set out in SubClause 771a, section xvii) shall occur on a daily basis". Or on any set basis. Or at all.
You can still show that you're thinking of her by texting a "thinking of u", by sending her an e-card (for no reason), by having flowers delivered to her work, by emailing her a photo of yourself, or any of a dozen other methods that don't require you to feel awkward and tongue-tied and holding a piece of heavy plastic to your head.
However, if you're determined to make a phone call... then ask her about her thoughts on things. Make your questions ones that require more than a Yes/No answer. Now, I know that I'm a complete science nerd, so you need to rephrase this sort of thing into a question ~you'd~ be interested in, but something grand, like "Could life have been accidental?" or "What if other animals have self-awareness?" is a question that people can't just answer with a single word. Even if they do, you can say "Why do you think that?"
If you want to go smaller scale, you can talk about what you think would be the Perfect Holiday, the Perfect Car, the Perfect Pet, the Ideal Future, etc etc. You get the picture, I'm sure. The point is to ask a person about something they know well: their opinions.
You don't actually have to say much, just keep asking questions to draw out the previous answer.
"What makes you say that?"
"How did you feel then?"
"What happened next?"
"How did he find out?"
"Why didn't it matter?"
The other key is to be genuinely interested in what's being said. So be sure that you occasionally reiterate, so she can be sure you actually heard her.
"He paid $10,000 for a pet gorilla? But you said he lived in a bedsit apartment! What happened?"
Good luck to you...
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