A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My gay best friend just asked me to marry him.... SOBER!! Now, he's a gay man who everyone thinks is straight or bisexual and he can play it straight very well! SoO straight, that he is enlisted in the US Armed Forces! I love him with all my heart and soul and I can't imagine my life without him. We've talked about having children in the future together and being in each others lives forever. This is truly a genuine love, but...he's into guys. He's never been with a woman and has never thought of being with a "real" woman...til he met me a couple years ago. He's dated a transexual long ago, but thats as close to a female relationship he's had.I would want nothing more than to scream from the top of my lungs, "YES! I WILL MARRY U!" But I know its not fair for me or him. Idk, I think I know but I need feedback!
View related questions:
best friend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): I am in the same situation myself, only slightly different. I am engaged to my gay male friend... We were engaged in the past but I ran off and married a straight man instead because I was scared it would fall apart. Years down the road I left my straight husband and I am with my gay male friend again. We can't seem to get over one another, but we understand what is ahead of us. We plan to have a family and raise children together but we have no intention of being a regular couple. Gay men will always be gay and no partner can change that, nor should they strive to. I understand my fiance is gay and I am completely accepting to that. I have chosen to give up sex in order to keep my own fidelity, although he will not offend me if he finds sex himself. He is not allowed to have relationships and neither am I. Sex is all that we cannot share together, therefore it is all that we are allowed to go out and get elsewhere. We are happy together, and we feel that we belong together. I am actually more comfortable with this sexless and highly emotional relationship than I ever could have been with my straight husband. Sex means nothing to me, whether I am having it or my partner is. As long as he comes home to me I will continue to love him and enjoy having him as my companion.
A
female
reader, FearlessBeauty +, writes (2 August 2010):
 Hey! I would love to know what choice you made. I'm choosing to marry my best gay friend this upcoming Spring. We've made the choice to keep it an open relationship and are choosing to get married because we both feel that if he was straight we'd be together anyways. You are suppose to marry your best friend. I don't think Sex should define a marriage so that's not a problem, but best of luck on whatever choice you made.
...............................
A
male
reader, AvgGuy1 +, writes (24 February 2010):
 On top of what everyone else has stated... you could take an entirely different approach. Get married... with the EXPRESS understanding that you BOTH can and probably will have multiple other partners - bethey emotional, just physical or both.You BOTH really need to sit down and talk out WHY you want to get married. If you're just being his 'beard' then that's not a good idea. If you're both emotionally committed to it... and there MIGHT be a physical relationship... then all the better - with the caveat that he WILL most likely strike out on his own for some fun with the guys. That is why I advocate that he not hold you to exclusivity either.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (19 February 2010):
 People can change and love can make many things happen.
It is stereotype thinking to say that a gay will never have sex with a woman. A gay will be gay until they die .Not all gays are the same. Everyone is unique and different.
You mentioned that he is attracted to woman and nearly slept together.What does this proof to you ?
You want to marry him because of love. Love is the glue that will hold the union together.
There are many couples who love each other and are happy even if they don't have a satisfactory sex life.
If you think sex is more important than love, than you should not marry.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know it's crazy to think that this will have a happy ending, but there's always maybe. He is attracted to women and his longest relationship lasted barely over a month. I love him and I can picture myself married to him but, bottomline, will I be happy in what I know will be a sexless marriage?....NO! Marriage is a big commitment and shouldn't be taken lightly.
We almost slept together but I stopped it. It felt wrong. Sex changes things and Im scared to risk our great friendship...but it seems he's willing to. I need to know what I getting myself into!
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (18 February 2010):
There is something wrong here if he is gay and has asked to marry you. go with your gut and don't marry him.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): Have you considered the fact that he has never slept with a woman and that A) he never will, or B) he won't like it. I am gay and could not possibly even imagine it. I tried to think about it when I was a teenager but basically it goes against my wiring! Just not a possibility, for me anyway.I never have but I can imagine it possible for a gay guy to fall in love with a woman but that it would be just emotional love and any attraction would stem from the love and not really have any true physical/sexual substance.Emotional love isn't normally enough for a good marriage. Don't asume you get married and everything just falls into place. Yeah people can change but MOST gay people are gay - period, full stop, end of story. That means they are attracted to and arroused by men. No matter how much love there is or how hard they try being attracted to women in a physical/sexual way just doesn't happen. Or it happens a bit but througha a lot of denial - not healthy!I realise you two could still have a certain amount of a good relationship but if you are considering saying yes you need to find out what sort of a marriage it would be. Probably no sex and unless both of you are committed to sexless lives then you'd both be sleeping with other men.Him being able to come across as straight is completely irrelevent. He probably does love you but you two aren't really compatable.I don't know him so I can't say but is there a slight chance (and I'm not doubting his love here) that part of the reason he asked is that it would make him normal, like a typical guy, etc. A lot of gay people make bad choices as they are in one way or another, and often subconciously, trying to be normal.Here is a comparative scenario. You have a great female friend and the two of you just click and really love one another - so you decide to have a relationship together even though you're both straight. Why? Exactly. The only difference here is that neither of you will be sexually attracted to one another, whereas in your real situation you will be attracted to him but he won't be to you (and that sucks!).If you say YES then first find out what sort of marriage it would be. If you say NO then tell him you do love him but you're imcompatable, and from the sounds of it you'd still have each other as the best of friends.HOWEVER it is all up to you! Follow your head and your heart and decide what you think is best.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): You don't have to marry this guy to have him in your life, he is your best friend.
Should you marry him? No he is gay
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (18 February 2010):
I have learned that a gay can be straight and a straight can be a gay later on in life.Nothing is ever permanent or forever.
Sometimes , one only discover their real sexuality in later life.
If you can love and accept each other, I don't see why there is a problem.
Will he go back to being gay ? It is anybody's guess .
That is life's mysteries.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (18 February 2010):
 Go with your instincts, it isn't fair to either him or you. Being married to him, it would only be a matter of time before he would have the urges to want to be with men again. As much as he may care for you, I doubt if if could stop being what he is. I think you would be very very miserable if you married him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (18 February 2010):
 If you think he could make you happy and you could handle the fact that he WILL have affairs with men throughout your marriage then I'd say go for it! This type of arrangement works pretty well for some people so it's not impossible, but if you choose this route go in with your eyes very wide open.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): Hunny if he loves you and you love him go for it, you say he has never been with a woman before and he was total gay, that means your the one whos cahnged him. theres something very strong between you two and if you say no, theres a chance you will breack his heart or your own for that matter, If hes willing to make a huge change for you, and it would hadly be any change for you, as you love him soo much. It is up to you but the feeling between you two should sway you into the right direction. Hope it helps hunny.
...............................
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (18 February 2010):
 What could possibly make you think that being married to a man who has sexual relations with other men is a healthy long-term relationship for you?
...............................
|
