A
female
age
36-40,
*owcomehoney
writes:Hi! I need your help with agony-aunting my friend, because I just don't know what to tell her. I think she may be a lost cause.Okay, so, she never fell in love at all until she was twenty-six, and then it was with a married man - a workmate. They started having an affair. He, his wife and his children all lived at the other end of the country, so he only saw my friend once every few weeks. She lost her virginity to him. After a while she found out she was pregnant, and then he completely disappeared, leaving her to have an abortion and sort everything out herself.She's now coming up for thirty-seven. Since this man, eleven years ago, there has been nobody else in her life, and she is completely bitter. I guess it's understandable, but still. She's never even kissed another man. He wrote to her once, she didn't open it, she just wrote "I hope your children get AIDS" on the envelope and posted it back. I tried telling her that not all men are like that, that she had a terrible experience and that on the bright side nothing as bad as that would be likely to happen to her in the future. She just said that if it happened once it can happen again - and even if she met a nice man, she is now too soured to be able to treat him well. She's become so hard that it scares me.I like her a lot (she is nicer to her friends than she is to men) and I would like to be able to help her, but I really don't know what I can do. I mean, is there anything to be done? What would you say to her? Sorry, this was a question by proxy.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (31 May 2007):
 Not much you can do for her. She may or may not ever find love again. I guess when you guys go out it would be best not to do any "men bashing" to reinforce her negative feelings towards men. Other than that I guess you just need to be a good friend to her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2007): It's understandable that your friend is upset (perhaps a slight understatement) about this situation, but she just needs time. Maybe she is worried that all relationships will be the same. Something like what your friend has been through will take a lot of time to heal. Love is an unpredictable thing and you can't just make it happen, but one day maybe the right person will come along and change her mind completely. She just needs to wait.
A few years ago I hated love and anything to do with it, but I suddenly fell in love without trying. I didn't want to but that's the way love works.
Hopefully soon your friend will find the perfect man and be happy with him. I hope it works out for the best.
:)
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