A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with a man for two and a half years now. Until the last few months it was going reasonably well.However, he has paranoia issues. He's well educated, over 60 and not currently working, and became homeless (after a time in a half-way house which didn't work out) a few months after we first met. He then stayed in a men's shelter for some months, before moving in with me (no discussion about it, he just started spending more and more overnights) until he was able to get senior citizen apartment with subsidized rent (he does have a small income. Enough to live on).Ever since things did not turn out well at a social gathering (I'll call it) which he had worked hard to make a success, every time we meet - which is maybe down to a few minutes once a week now - we end up arguing. He thinks some people are after him (issues with the building where he lives; not always getting his mail; lots of spam on the website he's set up to try and attract work as a consultant; at one time when we were walking down the street he told me afterwards someone was following us; thinks his phone is tapped, I won't go on, you get the picture. Unforgiving of anyone he thinks has insulted him (even though the guy who supposedly did, asked after him and said to tell him "we're thinking of him" Of course, my friend's reaction was "I don't want to hear about it." He tends to upset people he's closely involved with when in a class or project. Gets very hot under the collar about political issues. It is not possible to try to reason with him. The response is "you don't understand", "I don't want to talk about it" (this includes any attempts I have made to talk about our relationship). I will say he's very thoughtful toward me, and usually considerate. Similarly, I have tried to help him, by giving him parts of a casserole I've made, or picking up a package of fish to help his budget, etc; sometimes money at birthday or Christmas, getting him little things like a cushion, lamp, clock for his apartment.I am thinking now of writing him a letter to say: that "I do care about you, and am concerned for you. I really do think it might{would?} be a good idea, and helpful to you to find a counselor you can talk to about some of the issues you're dealing with.You see, it seems to me that while sometimes you are in fact being "hounded", some of what I hear from you doesn't sound very realistic. I know you want to be happier, to get a good job, and be making a difference in the world. I know justice in politics and helping the needy is so very important to you.My reason for urging you to get counseling is so that you could have a "tool" to bring about the things you want in your life. And sometimes, we all need a little help. Nothing wrong in realizing that and finding ways to deal with it. I know you probably don't want to read what I've said, and my intention is not to upset you. Its just that as a friend I feel an obligation to at least give you the opportunity to consider it."I would only add that others (with whom he's been in an adversarial situation with) have urged him to get therapy, and one person I know who knows him pretty well definitely feels he's in a downward spiral right now (since I've known him, it comes and goes, though he functions alright on a day to day basis). My late husband had some similar issues (less than this man's though) and it wasn't until he started taking xanax under the supervision of a pyschiatrist that life became much easier for him. I COULD cite my experience with my deceased husband (he's seen photos and I've spoken of him). This man has been opposed to medication because of stories he's heard about veterans being - experimented on with drugs mentally, I suppose you could call it.I am aware, of course, that someone has to realize they need help for themselves. My hope is that if enough people point it out - and a woman at a church who knows him well is going to suggest he get counseling - perhaps it will "wake him up".Let me know what your thoughts might be about writing such a letter - (includ ing deceased husband) which I will hand him in person just before I leave town next week on vacation, and ask him to read it at home. If it ends the relationship, then so be it.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 October 2009):
I'm afraid to say that there is a lot going on in his life that you just can't fix. You've been a great friend, but you can't do anymore unless he gets himself help. The letter is a good idea actually, because it gives you both a bit of breathing space. If it does end the relationship, perhaps it is better.
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