A
female
age
51-59,
*upersofi
writes:Help! I am very very confusedI have a friend and he's in prison. He has been there for me in the past and I consider him a very good friend and a special person although he has done some major wrong things in his life. We have given each other support in the past.He recently phoned me and asked me did I want to come up and visit him and I said yes, I've spent Christmas Eve in the jail and I've agreed to go back up on the 28th December, we're only friends, I went to give him a hug and he wasn't comfortable and yet he is the one who wants me up there. He's getting out in 7 weeks and could have his choice of women and yet he wants me in his life, he has proven that in the past. I feel very very confused and dont know what to do, I feel as if it's not something that people who are just friends do...going to visit prison every week and twice a week some weeks and yet I cant stop myself. He has shown me a lot of respect in the past and I share that same respect back, I think I want more but I dont know what he wants. If anyone understands this guy please please explain to me because I am very confused. Thank you
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 December 2013):
 I agree with Serpico.
Have you ever thought that if he never used you BEFORE, it's because it was before jail and things were better for him ? He did not need to use you for sex- he did not WANT to, he got it from other women. ())Even now he is pushing the friendship pedal strongly,so I guess it's not about physical attraction on his side ). And he did not need to use you for money, he had other resources, and other women around . Now , after a couple of trips to jail ( or more ) ? it must be slim pickings for him : financially, sexually, socially, emotionally.
We may even say it's wrong, because once he has paid his debt to society he should be considered .. as good as new, but things rarely go as they should, they go as they go. And the way they go, it's like Serpico says, very very few women would be enthusiastic about loving/ befriending / helping out a jailbird, it's not as if he can pick and choose. Guys like your friend often find themselves up the creek without a paddle when they get out of jail, from all points of view. Reason for which they develop a keen sensitivity for vulnerable, lonely or desperate women who'd accept to stick around- and help them out too in the process.
If you are neither lonely nor vulnerable nor desperate, good for you ; in any case , vulnerable or not, beware- just beware. It's the smart thing to do.
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (26 December 2013):
"Could have his choice of women."Good grief. Maybe his choice of desperate women. No woman with anything to offer a guy is going to want to date a guy right out of jail. Sorry I had to say that, but just too obvious.Next, imagine you were reading this about someone else looking for advice, what would you tell them? Something like - "stay away," "run," "surround yourself with losers and you will become a loser." Something like that?
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A
female
reader, supersofi +, writes (26 December 2013):
supersofi is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks Anonymous, I wish you'd left a way to answer you directly, cos you got my difficulty straight away!
Anonymous thanks for your answer, your the only person who's been able to read between the lines and see what I'm really asking. What that statement means is that when he could have taken advantage of me he didn't. He gave me real respect,and kept me safe from myself, even when he was using women I was something more special, kind of like a guy would treat a family member that there really close to.
Since he got locked back up (for breaking his bail conditions) yes he has been in my thoughts, regularly and a lot. I'd regularly go on his facebook page and leave a message although I knew he couldn't see them, it somehow brought him closer. People like me don't often find a guy to respect them like that, it doesn't happen very often in the world we live in, if you get my meaning.
His crime? yeah I trust him, I know what he did and know why he did it. He's no danger to me or mine, he's in recovery now and attending his meetings and a counsellor. As you might know/have heard getting clean in jail is no mean feat, so I'm proud of him!
I know that in AA they say that relationships between two people in recovery is a bad idea, but in the fellowship of which I am a member, once two people are actively recovering, living the steps and attending regular meetings and they are strong enough then they can be in a relationship. Is it not better to be with someone who understands you than someone who can never do that, ok there is a danger if one person relapses, but is that danger any greater than lying in a bed beside someone stinking of alcohol if alcohol is your drug of choice?
Hope you got to read this cos I believe you can help a lot of people on here!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 December 2013):
He wants from you what all people in jail want ! : a distraction from the mind numbing routine of prison life, a break from social isolation, someone who'd still give him the time of the day- and more- after he has done some major wrong things which have probably costed him the support and friendship of many people in his life.
But, nothing really wrong with that , so far.
What would make me more concerned is that a guy just out of jail is also often a guy with no money, no job, no home to go back to, and a dire need of someone accomodating , helpful and generous on whom to fall back while he is recouping and re-organizing his life ...Obviously he would want this person in his life at any cost , and would play up the value of this friendship, because it WOULD be very valuable to him... although not for the same pure , disinterested reasons as the friend's.
Moral : watch out. See how he intends to carry on this friendship, and if it would be based on more than the help you could provide him. We don't need to put intentions on trial, and we don't need to label as forever bad someone who has paid his debt to society... but we do need to keep our eyes well open and be able to see what is really going on under our nose.
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A
female
reader, supersofi +, writes (24 December 2013):
supersofi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Honeypie, I'm just finding it hard to get my head around the fact that I mean so much to him as a friend. It's not something I'm not used to! To be honest I'd find it easier to be his GF than just a friend!
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A
female
reader, supersofi +, writes (24 December 2013):
supersofi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Honeypie, I'm just finding it hard to get my head around the fact that I mean so much to him as a friend. It's not something I'm used to!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 December 2013):
 Um, I think I would talk to him what exactly he expect of you. If it entail moving in, I would decline.
If it means talk and see each other (like friends do) then I don't see anything wrong in that.
But, no I would let him move in, nor would I all of a sudden be his GF.
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