A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiance told me on Saturday that he kept getting WhatsApp messages off a friend of his with pictures of the friend in his underwear and asking for pictures of my fiance in his underwear, constantly, so he blocked him.He's known the guy since 2007 when they were both 22, although he left where they both worked in 2015. His friend has a wife and 5-year-old daughter.The messages started out as simple catch-up messages in 2018, but fairly recently began with demands for underwear pics and one message saying "I can't tell my wife I want pictures of you in your underwear for obvious reasons and besides... I've always wanted to see you in your boxer shorts!".One message even said "Come to my house while my wife's out at work, and we'll spend time together in our tighty-whities! I've got to see THAT!! You in your tighty-whities".He blocked him after that but somehow he got a new number and sent my husband a message asking again to meet up and see him in his underwear at his house when his wife's at work.WTH, especially when social distancing is being encouraged? Most guys wouldn't want to meet up to see their friend in underwear would they, unless they're gay/bi or there's some other legit reason for it... but I can't think of any.The friend's also done this via email, sending emails to my fiance's work email with same photos as attachments although that's easier to block... but creating email is easier than WhatsApp.One email had over 300 photos of the friend since 2007 posing in his underwear sent as a ZIP file (my fiance thought it was from his boss, whose email is publically on his company's site and the email in the public domain, my fiance's employer is a small company with just the boss and eighteen employees, he's been with the company since January 2014) and the file was called important-h2-john-smith-kss-1mar2021.zip - well, similar name anyway (the boss does it as that sort of naming convention); my fiance opened the ZIP file, thinking it was just work documents as work from home, but it turned out to be 500 photos of my fiance's friend in his underwear!Why would my fiance's friend send a fake email as my fiance's boss?I think he's found out who my fiance's boss is and tried to trick my husband via social engineering, am I right?My fiance said this has been going on since Christmas Eve 2019 and he's been too embarrassed to tell me.We've lived together since May 2016.My fiance told me he doesn't want to cut his friend out of his life, said he wasn't a toxic friend in the past (although now is making him question if his friend is now toxic), he's just concerned about this recent behavior, doesn't think his friend's gay, but thinks his friend may have an undiagnosed mental problem.He told me that he thinks his friend would go mad and tell me if he sent him underwear pics via WhatsApp!The problem is, I don't know his friend's wife, and my fiance knows her, but not well (he's only seen his friend occasionally since March 2018) and he doesn't know what the etiquette is to tell her or if she even knows. We don't mix in the same social circles, and my fiance's friend lives 180 miles away from us, so he doesn't see him very often; there's also the issue of wealth; we're a bit above middle-class, his friend isn't, he's not on welfare, but not to the level of us being not needing to worry about welfare and next paycheck. I'm from a wealthier background than my fiance but am a freelancer for a living.He's worried for the sake of his friend's mental health.Do you think my husband's reading between the lines, suspecting his friend to be gay or bi?Why else would a guy send to his friend pictures of themselves in underwear?I mean, if I sent photos of myself in lingerie and photos asking for underwear to my female friends I'd be accused of being a lesbian, wouldn't I?Me and my fiance are getting married around the run-up to Christmas 2022."It's causing me non-stop stress", my fiance said, "You don't understand how bad it is for me; I appreciate you being helpful, though."He wants help, and doesn't know when/if to get cops involved.Is this a strange problem we've got, and if so, how should/can we stop my fiance's close friend doing it?Should we get police involvement to stop this, and how else other than blocking emails (since the friend keeps changing emails)?This is causing us a lot of stress.What should we do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2021): Dude needs help and a firm hand. It does not matter why he is doing it but it needs to stop. He needs to be afraid to do it again whether it is a threat of police, the courts, his wife or whatever leverage that will cause him to stop terrorizing your boyfriend.
His mental health is not your or your boyfriend’s problem. The harassment is.
If your boyfriend wants to swap underwear pics with a guy and you’re okay with it, good for them. This unwanted sexual harassment is not okay.
I’m not much of a feminist but this is as inappropriate as if some acquaintance of yours was sending you pictures in his underwear.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2021): I believe there's more to this situation than meets the eye. Your fiance blocked the number, which didn't solve the problem, and he continues to allow the "problem" to persist, even after receiving fake emails from his boss. Has your fiance told the guy directly to stop sending the pictures? If I understand your statement correctly, your fiance says the friend would "go mad" and "tell you" if he were to send his friend the pictures he wants. Is it posssible that he wants to send his own pictures but afraid that in a fit of "madness" the friend will tell tell you? You say that your fiance is experiencing great stress because of this, stress that I believe is caused by his own conflicting feelings. He seeems to have taken no definitive, assertive action to end this. It may be true that the friend many need professional help, and as a real friend your fiance should help him and support him in seeking it. But may I suggest that your fiance would benefit from the very same? Suddenly receiving unsolicited, suggestive photos certainly is odd. I find your fiance's response and ambivalence equally odd and troubling. I do wish the three of you the best of luck in finding a healthy resolution, especially your fiance, who is complicit and passively encouraging his friend's behavior.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (29 March 2021):
 Contact a lawyer.
If the lawyer can send a cease and desist letter to this "friend" it might be the FIRST step. If the "friend" ignores it, then consult if he needs to involve the police or wife.
It's such a weird thing going on if your husband and his "friend" never had a "thing" going on.
As for the "friend's" mental health, I'd stop worrying that is on him, not your husband to deal with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2021): Consult with an attorney and file a report with the police. He can file a civil suit and pursue criminal charges. Maybe he can file a restraining order to cease and desist.
You've written here before, and the answers are going to be pretty much the same. I find it weird your fiancé still wants to be friends with the guy...don't you?
You seem more disturbed than your fiancé. What's this guy's motive for sending him a barrage of his underwear pics? Doesn't make any sense, if he knows your fiancé doesn't want them; and isn't going to send him any in return. Maybe the guy actually has come-out to his wife thinking your fiancé would do the same?
Did something happen back in the day, that lead this guy to think your man might be bisexual? Maybe while they were high or intoxicated; or just horsing around, and something happened. Now the guy has the wrong idea.
It's not something easy to admit, you know!
Maybe there's more to this than meets the eye. This could have been resolved a long-time ago. It's been going-on since 2019?
It really seems as though he's trying to force your man out of the closet. At the rate he's sending emails, it's as if he knows you'll find them sooner or later. Your fiancé had to tell you about them before you found them yourself.
Why is your fiancé reluctant to report this to the police? That's the best way to stop them.
If the guy is mentally-ill, it doesn't help to enable him. I wonder if you're getting the whole story here?
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