A
female
age
36-40,
*onelygal
writes:Hello everyone, I'm seeking some advice because I am so hurt right now I want to know if i'm right or wrong here. Basically I live with my partner of 4 years and we love each other and I do so much for him and him me likewise, he has travelled quite a bit and met many people, he is very independent and on one of his travels where he worked in a camp he met a girl called tanya and she has invited him to her birthday party in 2 weeks, she told him he could bring me but when it came to him telling me about it, it seemed he was trying his upmost to put me off the idea and didn't ask me if i wanted to come just blatantly told me he's going alone and doesn't want me to come. I asked him if anyone else from camp was going and he said no. I find this very strange so I had an argument with him about it, telling him it's strange he wouldn't want me to go, and the fact the only person he would know there is tanya makes it more weird. Now i'll note now he doesn't fancy her and there's NOTHING going on between them, they are just very good mates, he said he wants to just go there and spend time with tanya and they will be chatting about camp so I wont enjoy it. He booked the time off that weekend just so he could go, and i'm thinking now its my birthday soon and he hasn;t mentioned booking that off to me yet. I protested saying how am I ever gonna meet new people when he wont invite me places and couples are about going places together but he dissagreed saying he likes going places alone and you can't be everywhere together 24/7....he eventually said I can come after me getting so mad, he stormed off and afterwards apologized and said ''I'll just see if tanya wants meet up round here instead, like you said it might be a bit crap me not knowing anyone and she will be drunk chatting to other people'' I said ''why do not not wanna go all of a sudden?'' he said ''cos your right, it would be a bit crap'' What am I to do? I'm very worried here, I am so upset our relationship is so much better than this, he thinks I don't trust him but he cant see what he is doing is making me upset! we are engaged and living together and he thinks it's normal to go off to a girls party without me with NOONE there he knows....help someone?!
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female
reader, Battista +, writes (7 March 2011):
Thanks for update OP.
You now mention dozens of pretty uni girls.
Do you think your bf is going to cheat on you7 And do you trust him fully or not?
A
female
reader, lonelygal +, writes (6 March 2011):
lonelygal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to the top two questions, I do things alone yes, but I have problems making friends so I thought my fiancé would help out because he does this quite a lot, thinks just because it's 'his' friends or 'his' work place only 'HE' should go, and this is not the case, where do I come into this? I need to meet some of his friends. I think being independent and doing your own thing is fine, going to a concert, seeing a movie or going on holiday with friends, but I just feel that this is completely different, he doesn't know anyone but her there and would have to travel up on a train (the party is on the other side of the country) and he would have to stay in a hotel in order to be there and it would turn into a whole weekend do. I am sorry if people agree but to me this is not right, I draw a line at something like this, whether it comes to looking like I don’t trust him or not that is not the point, we should be sharing our lives and experiences together, maybe he did want time alone, but at a party with dozens of pretty uni girls? Really? I can't see me popping up in his head at any point of that party to be honest.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): More importantly, why would *you* want to go to the party of a girl you don't know and be surrounded by people you don't know? Just to keep two eyes on your fiance?I see your concern but mostly I think you are a bit suspicious of his actions and seeing as you two are about to be married, that is no good thing. Maybe it's all innocent and you are reading into things too much? In all honesty, you say you love each other, live with each other and have been together four years - I don't think your boyfriend would be throwing all that away to go to a party. Has anything like this happened before? If not, maybe he feels hemmed in by your reaction and thinks you don't trust him. Maybe that caused the anger - people burst out when they feel too trapped.In my experience, if there was something fishy going on between your fiance and this girl, he would have probably orchestrated a lie and not told you outright he was going to her party. Try and see it from his point of view too.Finally, I agree that it isn't healthy to do everything together 24/7. Space and time is good too - perhaps you could have spent that night he went to the party on a girls night out? You are engaged - you have your whole life to be together, what's one party? If he thinks this is how married life with you will be - no fun - he will feel hemmed in and become distant with you. I am not saying you will chase him off - certainly not after four years - but just relax a bit. Trust the man you are engaged to and live a bit of life of your own. If you go out on your own too every now and then, maybe he will start to get a tinge jealous as well and see where you were coming from :PYou said yourself; there is nothing between them and he doesn't fancy her...so why this panic?! Calm down my dear. If you don't trust him that's the issue - not the party...For the record, guys and girls *can* just be friends :-)Chin up girl!
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (5 March 2011):
OP it worries me that one of your complaints about not being able to go was "how am I going to meet new people when he won't invite me places."You can't rely on your bf to give you opportunities to meet people. Don't you do anything on your own where you can make friends or meet people? If you don't then you need to start! Even though you are engaged to this guy you shouldn't depend on him for all your social needs. That is a dangerous situation to be in, and also puts a lot of unfair pressure onto you bf. Why should he have to take you places so you can meet people? It is good to have some mutual friends obviously, but you must have a degree of your own independence. From what you have said I wonder if your bf is feeling that you are being a bit needy in this way, and doesn't want the responsibility for introducing you to new people.Do you ever do stuff on your own without your BF?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 March 2011):
 Yes his behaviour is quite strange. I see both points though. Maybe he just wanted to go alone and have some time to himself. But it is strange concidering that she is the only one he would know at the party it would be completely different if there was others there who was friends of his. It does sound very suspitious though and it does sound like he may have something to hide, as there has to be some reason why he doesnt want you there.
Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Tell him you are not jelous its just that you would like to go out and meet new people as well and the party would be something that you would like to go to with him as a couple.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): Hi
I have read your concern's and if i am honest with you...i think it sounds unfair. We are all different but i think if a couple are a partnership they actually want to share experiences togetherbut and a party would be good ?????
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