A
female
age
51-59,
*onfuseddotcom
writes:Hi just found this site and wanted advice. I'm 35 and engaged and very happy...well until this weekend. The story may sound trivial but I am having a hard time dealing with it. We were at a Wedding my partner and the week before he had gone on a Stag party. He said that they would probably go to a strip club, which I had no problem with, especially as its what they do on Stags and to be honest us woman can be just as bad on hens. But I asked him to promise me not to have a lap dance as I felt uncomfortable about it and wouldprefer if he didn't. I think a fair agreement. He came back and said he hadn't when I asked. Then we went to the wedding and one of the other girls came over to me and my Husband to be and some friends and said that she found out her husband had a lap dance ans she was furious! I turned to my partner and our friends and said "my god I would be so upset, at least you didn't did you?" He then nodded guilty and said he actually did have one! I was firstly embarrassed that he had admitted it in front of others at the wedding, as he could have come clean about it after the weekend I would have got angry, told him he was a plonker and moved on. What upset me more is that I asked him to not do something out of respect for me and he went ahead and did it. He said that he was being hassled and all the lads were etc etc... typical Pack mentality crap! We had a huge row and I really felt hurt more than anything else. I had trusted him 100% and now I don't and in sense a bit of rot has entered our relationship.What annoys me more is that we could have dealt with it within our 4 walls especially if he had come clean straight after the weekend. I asked him had he ever lied before about anthing? and he said no that it was a silly drunk thing and he hated the fact that he made me cry. In every other part of our relationship he is perfect and caring and he said he will work hard to regain my trust. But today I am just so down and angry, maybe its because I had decietful relationships before and I thought this was different. What and How do I (we) get through this? I told him that if he ever lied about anything and not come clean straight away that I will walk, so he knows that he could destroy this relationship over something as silly as a lap dance! Am I over reacting? reacting to my past insecurities or looking for a way out?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): Hi,
I hope that this is something you can move past. In the bigger picture of life is this really something worth risking a relationship over?
DiovanLestat, what did you mean by 'stuff like getting tied naked to a lamppost'? Does this really happen or another urban legend? I've never seen it or heard of it happening except on TV. Anyone who has please post examples.
It's like this whole lap dance situation, people get upset because of urban legends or tall tales that don't really happen. Most lap dances are tasteful with a few exceptions that people always rant about. They never bring up the tasteful tales.
Why dwell on the negitive.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): Thanks everyone the advice really helped. We had a good chat about it and he said he knows the boundaries and that he wouldn't risk it again. He only ever goes to the club at a Stag so I know it is not a regular thing, and it is that silly Pac Metality. I have said that next time he goes to one on a Stag that I will not ask him to not have a dance it it is up to him to decided whether it is worth hurting me again. If he does he has to come clean straight away. I think he knows my limits and he said he knows now how much the lie hurt me and Ithink he has got the message.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): Here's the link for channel 4. http://www.channel4.com/news/articles/dispatches/the+hidden+world+of+lap+dancing/2483062
And I think this is the link that Gina tried to send you.... http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/mar/19/gender.uk
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): Your in Britain, good. You can also watch a recent documentary about lap dancers and the things they do in the clubs on Channel 4 catch up. It's was shown as a feature on the "Dispatches" documentary programme. It actually filmed video from the clubs and what goes on in there. That might also help you to understand what exactly goes on. Notice the men in the report, and all their reactions, it's all very interesting if you want to see what really goes on in there, and what the law permits, and what happens to staff who try to have sex with the customers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): Here I forgot the link.. This lady had big problems with her partner and bachelor parties, hopefully her experience will explain more and help you out.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/when-gets-back-from-strip-clubs-i-dont.html
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): We had a similar story on this board a couple of months ago, and yes it may be hard for some women to accept but there is no touching or sex going on. In Britain many men and women go to sex shows before the wedding and it can all get pretty wild. At a bachelor's party, the men arrange to do something risky (lap dancing) something to celebrate men just being men. The more dangerous, stupid or illegal the whole thing is the more the men seem to like it. We women are much more direct, we hire strippers and get up close, but we knock out the illegal dangerous stuff like getting tied naked to a lamppost.
Many men all over the world do those bachelor things and naked women are present. They usually lie to their partners, not because they believe they are doing anything wrong, but they know some women get upset by such things, and it adds to the danger of doing something that might upset somebody they love. A case of little boys shouting out "hey, mummy's not here, I can be as bad as I want."
Of course you can tell him off and tell him not to do it again. He will promise you it will never happen and it's not his fault in the first place. You will forget this little upset, until the next bachelor party. But hopefully he and his friends will be a hell of a lot more careful and make sure their women don't find out. The guys are stupid, this shouldn't never have gotten out to the women. It was made to make the bridegroom laugh and wasn't meant to hurt you women by making your men seem unfaithful.. Forget about it if you can, it happens all the time to both men and women in my part of the world.
PS: Women can be worse, I've heard many cases of women actually sleeping with strangers after a particularly wild hen night.
PPS: Men lie about these stupid things because women force them too. If he had refused a lap dance it would have called his sexuality in to question, they would have made fun of him, damaged his sense of masculinity and he would have lost status in their eyes. No man likes to be called "pussy whipped" by his friends. That's why he played along, and because it offends you he hides and lies and tries to cover up. Not something women like to hear, but it seems to be how some men think.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): I know how you feel as my boyfriend (I'm a similar age to you) recently let slip (once I had forced it out of him I add) that he had gone to a strip club - again a stag night. What a lot of people don't realise with Hens and Stag nights that involve seeing other people naked is that it can hurt partners. It creates fear, distrust and pain. He didn't tell you because he knew it was wrong and men are pathetic at being able to say 'no' in front of other men - they would be ridiculed. I wouldn't let my boyfriend touch me for a week - not to punish him I just felt so cheap, not special any more, as if the intimacy of our sexual relationship had been tarnished. Some people feel like they've been cheated on. My boyfriend knew how I'd react which is why he never told me and yet really it was the lie that hurt more in the end .... as you are experiencing. You could be looking for a way out but on the other hand you could argue that he might be on the basis that he thinks keeping things from you is ok. Set your boundaries as you have done and be ready for the fact you will not trust him for some time. Give him a chance to show he was stupid and make up for it. I gave my boyfriend the same ultimatum - and I mean it - because it hurt me and he knows that now. Hurting me and knowing it in the future would be unacceptable so he's had his one chance.
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