A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm finding it very difficult to cope with my family atmosphere at home at the moment. I live with my parents and a teenage sibling, and a few times in the past I have stumbled across my father's pornographic materials, like books, videos and magazines hidden around the house. As I was too young before to think of connecting these items to my dad, I tried to ignore them.However, very recently one evening I walked into his room to speak to him and noticed very explicit internet porn paused on the computer screen. He had popped out of his room to get a drink and doesn't know I saw the screen, but it really freaked me out to see what he was looking at when we were the only two in the house.I deliberated for a long time over whether or not to tell my mother because I was worried that she would confront him and drag me into the discussion, and I was too embarrassed to be involved in a conversation about my father's porn. Eventually I DID tell her and she was upset because apparently they have discussed/argued about this numerous times throughout their 28 year marriage, every time with her expressing deep hurt and disgust at his using porn, and every time he promised her he would stop using it and that he didn't need it. My mother loves him so much, but intimacy is very difficult for her to cope with involving him as she can't distinguish between the loving husband she sees most of the time, and what she sees as a perverted porn addict who delights in watching x-rated films. Now I know what a problem this is, I am finding it difficult to see my father in any pleasant light as I used to, and we used to be extremely close. I can't help but feel uncomfortable and disgusted around him now and we haven't spoken properly since I made the discovery :(My parents have been uncomfortably "coping" with this recent development, but I know it has truly made my mum miserable and I'm angry with dad for not quitting it. I have SINCE then found him loading pornographic videos on the internet on nights that my mother is working, and this makes me FURIOUS and sickened. She is out earning money for our family and he is using the opportunity to indulge in filthy activities, when my sibling and I are in the house with him!I don't know what to do about this situation :( My mum is now confiding her feelings in me, which I don't mind because she needs a friend to help her through this and I am old enough to cope with it now. She is too ashamed to mention it to her other friends or family because she doesnt want anyone else to hate him, and we know they would hate him for this, let alone what it is doing to her...The idea of "divorce" has been bandied about and although I am an adult, the idea of this horrifies me. My parents have always been my pillars of hope, trust and love, and I know that they both love each other SO much that I'm certain it would not be the ideal situation for either of them.Mum and I suspect that Dad has an addiction and that he needs some kind of therapy to overcome this. How do we convince him to sort the problem out before he tears the family apart? It is emotionally exhausting for me and mum at the moment, and we're finding it so upsetting that he has not only broken promises, but he is also continuing to do these things behind her back, as though it is OK as long as he thinks she doesn't know about it.Can anyone advise me on what we should do? I don't want my family to split up, but my mum cannot take much more of this betrayal. It is killing her spirit and she is becoming more and more depressed each day that the problem remains unresolved :(
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (17 August 2010):
 A 22 year old woman has no business monitoring her fathers sex life. She's in pain, well, she needs to concentrate on her own life and leave her parents alone. She isn't in their bedroom and has no idea of what problems and issues come up in their sex life.
Dear Caller, tell your mother to talk to your dad, and stop involving you in the sex life of a adult married couple... You have no idea if your dad is satisfied with his sex life, if your mother turns him away, or if she's kinky and uses a whip... you don't know enough about them as sexual people to get involved and make judgements..
Get yourself a boyfriend, and live your own life and not theirs. You are not your parents keeper and your mother especially should not make you her confidant and counsellor, she's old enough to sort out her marriage herself.
A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (17 August 2010):
 Firstly I would like to say that I am sorry you are in the middle of a difficult situation, but you really need to try to see both sides - then advise both your parents on a course of action towards some middle ground, or butt out and advise neither.
Porn is a difficult and tricky subject at the best of times. Mostly because we are all completely different sexual animals.
I am not a great porn watcher, but the porn I can watch for a few minutes is completely different from what any one of my group of friends like to watch, and vice versa. Your father gets turned on by whatever turns him on. You have to accept that fact. It may differ from what flicks your switch, and may even disgust you that your own FATHER is still a voracious sexual animal. But that is nothing to do with you whatsoever, so do not try to change things.
Your mother is upset, because I firmly believe that women, on the whole, have absolutely no real idea why men watch porn and fantasise when the REAL THING is available at any time.
I also believe that all men who watch porn should be honest, and explain why they may, on occasion, want to watch some type of porn instead of handle and stroke a real, live, warm, willing woman. It is not a difficult conversation, unless the porn is so vile and shocking that it borders legality.
Maybe the thing that turns your Dad on the most, is exactly the thing that turns your Mum off the most.
You either advise them both, or neither.
Personally, I would gently extricate myself from the situation, by telling both that they need further discussion with each other. This is a fight that you cannot win by taking sides, and you should not be in the ring in the first place.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): She's talking about how he's incapable of stopping despite the fact that he's really hurting both his wife and daughter. He's lying to his whole family and causing them pain, he raised his daughter. I'm sorry, but this is clear evidence that porn is hurting a whole family.You're not overreacting. Have you tried talking to your mom about this? I don't think your dad would feel too amazing knowing his daughter is disgusted by this.
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A
female
reader, blue_eyes1981 +, writes (16 August 2010):
 I understand you are shocked at your discovery but he is still your Dad.
He has no desires towards you or your sibling which is what you imply and he did not intend for you to see what he was viewing (maybe he thinks his own bedroom would be private or that you would knock before entering)?
This is something that your parents have to work through on their own I'm sure they will not split up over something so trivial.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): It is disgusting you saw your own father doing this. My parents are still together too but I do not believe they have this problem though I never seen my father porn use if he does use it! KEEP OUT OF IT. It is very personal and not for you to get involved.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): I think you need to drama down.Seriously. What do you think about discovering that your mom uses...errrr..marital toys. AKA, an artificial penis (aka, sex toy or dildo or vibrator). Why are images and videos more threatening than a replica of some unknown penis that will be rubbed and inserted?If it's overly indulged, it's bad like anything else. But give it a break. You are 22-25 YO. He did his part raising you. He did his part. He is his own person and has his own life and you have no right to judge him. It's something between your mom and your dad. Personally, I think that she needs to find some level of acceptance and perhaps shared experience. If your family is so weak that this would tear it apart, may be there are bigger issues.
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