A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How can I get my ex to stop blackmailing me. I don't want to get into alot of detail as this is the internet. It was a crime that was committed by both of us and she has the evidence to prove it. We will both be facing charges and she does not care. We will also both lose very notable careers and be forced if we can be hired somewhere to work at a dead end job. Her demand is that I be there for her through this emotional time and to not date anyone new until she is over it or she will call turn us both in. What happened was very hard for he but she has been constantly yelling and I never loved her in the first place. I may be shallow but I like attractive skinny women and she was average but is having alot of issues. Do I call he bluff and risk losing everything and my future?
View related questions:
my ex, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): Well, who said crime pays? It is time to face the piper and stand up and be a man for once. Put aside your sociopathic ways and pretend to have a conscience and get your ex through her emotional trial....then you can go about banging your way through skinnier dumber girls who don't know how to call you out on your shit.
And don't go all psychopath on us and hire someone to knock her off, newspapers will report it and Internet addresses can be traced. Have a nice day.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 December 2009):
 Turn yourself into the police. Maybe the time in jail will give you time to refect.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): I am in the same situation, yet I have an even more notable career and I prefer an even skinnier girl. The problem is that if I go with the skinny girl, I may lose my job. Let's face it, at your age and my age, we would be ruined if we had to start over again. Who would hire us after 25 years old?
Oh what the hell, lets CALL THE BLUFF! Spin that wheel of fortune baby!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): OMG OMG OMG!!!! so you lied to this woman (who has already been abused) and told her than an abortion would bring you closer together, so she had this abortion and then you dumped her. That is absolutely despicable beyond belief. Words fail me. She must feel dreadful. You put yourself at risk when you forced her by emotionally blackmailing her, to get an illegal and dangerous abortion so if you DO get into trouble with it it serves you right! Have you helped her to get checked up by a doctor to make sure she is ok. No wonder she is angry. All I can say to you is 'what goes around comes around' & 'Karma' so don't be surprised when it's your turn! I think you should stay away from women really & you definitely shouldn't go near any women with children and re dating, do womankind a favour and don't do it..............at least until you have got some serious therapy to sort yourself out. You sound weak and selfish and reckless & possibly even dangerous and you are certainly not someone that any women I know would touch with a bargepole! Like one of the other posters said, look inside yourself. I wish you luck in becoming a better person and I hope you do the right thing by your ex GF.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): You talk about her blackmailing you..... but read your own post. You blackmailed her! You told her if she got rid of the baby it would bring you and her closer together.
But that was a lie because you didnt want to be with her nor did you want a baby with her. So you tricked the sad creature and convinced her to perform an illegal abortion on herself to get rid of the child.
You said she was already in therapy during her pregnancy for the physical abuse she suffered from an ex partner. Tricking her into performing such an awful act when she was undergoing therapy and cleary not stable, makes you just as much of an abuser as her ex partner in my opinion. And so shes lost her child.....under your instruction and you are telling her now that you dont want her around!
THIS IS WHY SHE IS UNHAPPY WITH YOU AND WONT LEAVE YOU ALONE. Get it?
She needs to see a doctor asap. At least take her for a check up if you do nothing else! I hope you do manage to keep out of this womans life because i feel she will do a lot better without you around. You seemed fine telling her to terminate the baby. But i think it might be a lot easier on womankind if you just have a vasectomy. Then you wont need to con any more damaged, vunerable women into performing dangerous, illegal abortions on themselves just so you can be rid of your unwanted babies x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): (hi i'm the female anon who answered back twice before - i think your post stuck a chord with me)
how long were you together & what attracted you to her in the first place? there must have been some attraction in order for you to be having a relationship & sleeping together? women who have been physically abused often need a lot of understanding & care so any new/prospective partner needs to be loving & understanding! it can't have done much for her self esteem if you kept telling her how unattractive you found her, especially whilst she was pregnant!!!! before you start dating it might be sensible to sort this situation out first, then give yourself some space otherwise you might find yourself straight back in another messy situation - & a word of caution...........the grass is not always greener on the other side!
my ex partner berated me for needing to lose weight, even though I am generally classed as a very attractive woman (I am a size 14/16 & he likes a perfect 12) - we split up and I dated other people (who appreciated my curves!) & he is now still alone and has been for the past two years - he went on a few dates but they didn't work out & now he regrets it!
even if you don't see a future with this lady for goodness sake, do the decent thing, stop telling her how unattractive she is & try to sort this out properly - it was your baby too! & stop obsessing about dating - when the time is right, dating will happen & if in the meantime you are lucky enough to bump into 'Ms Right' in the street & fall madly in love (unlikely!) for goodness sake don't rub your ex's nose in it. Arrghhhhh you men sometimes are sooo frustrating ufffff & grrrrr! (no offence to any caring nice guys who are on this page!).
I agree with pinktopaz ie do you really need to date someone else right now! You have been through a big traumtic event together (abortion badly affects a lot of people even though they appear ok on the surface day to day) and she has been through abuse etc & you seem to have got with her, got her pregnant, bullied her into getting rid of it (because YOU don't want a lifelong connection with her - Nice!) & now you are sick of the whole thing and just want to bugger off and start dating someone else asap & just want to know how to get rid of her with the least fuss to yourself!! really you sound appalling selfish and immature you really do. Also bear in mind that it is nearly Christmas and she might be feeling even moer fragile at this time.
She is a human being but you seem to be treating her like an item ie an old shirt you bought, realised it didn't suit you and you didn't like it anyway, so you just bin it & get a new one! I can identify with your ex because my ex partner behaved a bit like you (although there was no abortion or blackmail and in fact almost straight after he dumped me I dated a younger hotter man, which seemed to really anger him) and I can tell you, it really hurt and I cried myself to sleep for many nights over his cruel attitude, so I can really empathise with your ex. It is not my intention to offend or upset anyone but I am 42 and have been through domestic violence and abortion myself & there IS a way through it all & I've since put myself through law school, got a job job, put my daughters through university etc & I'm ok now but I just know how it all feels & I really do feel for your ex & was just offering my thoughts in the hope that you will do the decent thing. I hope you guys sort this messy difficult situation out. Best of luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (12 December 2009):
Is it absolutely vital that you date someone right now? Like I said, you can tell her that a relationship isn't going to work out but you can still be there for her. Anyone appreciates honesty as long as they follow through with what they say. She'll get over it whenever she does, there's no time limit. It can take months or years.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): This is why the marriage vows and obeying laws are so serious.Why are you still complaining to her for being average she is an ex.She could have turned you in any time. Here's an idea.If she goes along get a really big loan then pay a doctor to shape her to your satisfaction.Sounds really shallow to me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't want to be with her anymore and I told her plenty of times while she was pregnant that I wasn't attracted to her and that if she wasn't her I would be looking for someone else. She could never trust me. She was insecure from the last relationship she was in that was physically abusive. She was even going threw therapy while pregnant. I just didn't see a future with her as the sparks we not there and it wasn't love at first sight. The baby would have had a broken home to begin with. I told her doing it would bring us closer together when I knew it wouldn't but I just didn't want to be connected to her for the rest of my life. She was in a fragile state of mind. Maybe I took advantage of that.If I have to be there for her emotionally how am I going to be able to date anyone? When does she get over it?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): Your post talks about yourself a lot. You say you like skinny attractive women. Are you staggeringly attractive yourself that you feel able to talk about women like this? You don't talk about anything from your ex gf's points of view but she is a human being too right! I agreed with the other posters that you could try and show some support to your ex and the situation might calm down.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): i agree with pinktopaz's latest answer (i'm the female anon who posted you an answer asking for more questions/context) - it sounds like your behaviour has contributed possibly to driving her to behave in a way which makes her overreact - if you spoke to her about it she might withdraw any threats (or perceived threats that you think she has made) and you might be able to sort it out in a mature reasonable decent way???? you say you both have good jobs so this would suggest you have some common sense/capabilities?? my ex partner used to accuse his wife of being 'mad' and wanting to harm him but in their divorce petition she made it clear that she felt bullied and undermined etc and her children now say that after two years of being away from him she is a much more calm reasonable person. Look at your own role in this and you will find the answers you need! You shared an intimacy with this woman and she was nearly the mother of your child - it probably wasn't easy for her ..
...............................
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (11 December 2009):
*Sigh* Although I didn't do any sort of crime, I was in a similar situation and the guy was a jerk...just like you. Whatever, that's your deal. Anyway, I know how hurt she probably is; things like that can really be a traumatic experience mixed in with things like post partum depression, and you got a very depressed and sometimes very angry woman.
Think of it this way, calling her bluff isn't risking your job and future. Whatever you did before risked all of that. Why can't you simply just be there for her emotionally? You don't have to be with her if you don't want to and you should tell her that--but let her know that you're willing to listen to her and give your feedback. You're the only one that probably knows what went on, you were part of the problem, she feels awful, and she needs your help because she probably can't go to anyone else.
Although, I don't think she should be blackmailing you, but maybe if you quit being an asshole for just a moment and stopped being selfish and helped her out for a bit; not because you love her or want to be with her, but because you're a decent human being, she just might quit threatening to blackmail you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): Your post is a bit odd ... you say you never loved her and she is not skinny enough and you don't want to support her through an emotional time?? If you want her to have a healthier body type could you not support her in this? Also, if she did have an illegal abortion she needs to get checked properly by a healthcare professional to make sure all is ok with her physically. Do you not feel able to talk to her, or be her friend? If you gave some more information it would be easier to answer your post in a more helpful way. Has your behaviour contributed in any way to provoking her to the point of feeling desperately unhappy and ending up saying things she didn't mean, which you interpreted as blackmail? How long have you been together. To be perfectly honest, when I read your post I though you sounded like a bit of an arse! If you can give more context/accurate information the agony aunts/uncles on here might be able to answer your post in a properly helpful/useful way. I've studied law & criminology for many years at advanced level including emotive crime and 'emotional blackmail', 'actual blackmail' & other types of threat are very different and depend on the circumstances. I don't know if this is any use to you or not, as an answer but I suspect you need to look a bit more closely at your situation & be honest with yourself in order to try and sort this out in a decent way in the interests of both yourself and your ex partner.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe weren't getting along. I believe in love at first sight. I told her to do something to her body and our unborn child. I guess almost like abortion however, the baby was far enough along it had to be delivered. I told her it would bring us closer together. She was depressed and maybe I took advantage of her not wanting anything to do with her even a child. I can't be there for her she is driving me crazy with calls and texts. I understand it is probably emotional for her as she went threw it all alone and the delivery. I don't want her in my life. Im ready to call the cops and tell them to contact her and warn her to stop calling me.
...............................
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (11 December 2009):
I agree, I'm really confused. She wants you to be there for her during what emotional time? The emotional time while you two were pretending to be Bonnie and Clyde and breaking the law? Something else? Did you tell her that she's average and you prefer someone that is skin and bones? Nobody can really give you advice about calling bluffs when we don't know what it's about and what happened. For all we know you got a DUI and can lose your job and she wants you to be there for her emotionally because her fish died. In that case, then I would say you can call her bluff.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): Am i reading this correctly? You both committed a crime and she is forcing you to be with her or she will go to the police? But you arent happy to be with her because she isnt the body type that you like?
You must go to the police and make a confession before you end up in even more trouble.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (11 December 2009):
 This makes no sense! What has liking skinny women got to do with anything?!
...............................
|
