A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was dating a guy for 5 months. I'm 25, and can honestly say I truly felt I was in love with him. We were from totally different backgrounds and he is totally the opposite of the usual type of guy I go for, but we worked so well together. He treated me with such respect, I was his princess.I knew he had a bit of a rough past - he didn't have a very happy childhood, got into drugs in his late teens for a few years til his 20's, but had given it up 6 months prior to us getting together. (It was mostly smoking cannabis but on weekends it would sometimes be cocaine) In that 6 months, he had only touched drugs once - I trusted him to tell the truth. He was going to 'one to one' counselling for drugs/alcohol abuse, and also group therapy, both weekly.I've never really done the whole drugs scene - I've experimented briefly and left it at that. I had a very stable, happy and loving upbringing, the complete opposite to his life really.We actually broke up 4 months ago - it was a combination of many things - me going through a stressful time with work, my family/home life and my health, plus he had begun to smoke cannabis again. It was literally 2 or 3 occasions of him having a smoke with friends, but like I said, the combination of everything got too much and I walked away.For 3 months he was good - he didn't go near the drugs, apart from having the odd smoke. Then he seemed to go on a bender for a couple of weeks, he said he just gave up on everything.He came to me earlier this week and said he wanted to try to turn over a new leaf again. He basically fell off the wagon but wants to become the person he was striving so hard to become before.I love him so much - I didn't tell him this, or reveal any feelings apart from letting him know that there were still some feelings there for him. I'm not attracted to "bad boys" or guys who treat me badly (he didn't), but I just want to know what people think I should do? I told him that perhaps in a few months, if he can show me change, then I would consider getting back together, but I'm just scared of setting myself up for disapointment, and at the same time worried about letting the only person I have ever felt this way about slip through my fingers...
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female
reader, lexilou +, writes (6 July 2008):
 Give him one more chance. He has to want to change you cant make him but allow him to try, one more time.
My dad was alcohol dependant for a very long time and my memories of early childhood are mostly memories of this. When my sister got pregnant 20 years ago with her first he decided all by himself to stop and he has not touched a drop since. So I know it can be done, despite all the nagging from my mum he didnt want to change but did it for his first grandchild and I am so proud of him. Help him anyway you can. I wish you both luck x
A
male
reader, ChiRaven  +, writes (6 July 2008):
 Let him know that you're still interested, but unless he has some serious time in a serious program (like a 12-step program or some more one on one counseling and therapy through some professional outlet) you are not willing to risk taking a chance with him. And tell him that you're concerned about his continuing to associate with people with whom he has done drugs in the past because they are likely to try to get him to use drugs in the future.
Someone with a drug problem cannot quit "a little bit". That's in the same category with the famous line about being "a little bit pregnant". If you're going to have a chance for a future with this guy, he's going to have to come clean. Let him know that you're willing to help him, but that in the end you're counting on him to do it, and you'll only be there if he does.
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