A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex boyfriend left me pregnant, we already have a child together and he has two before me. When we broke up the first time, he was on craigslist looking for men and women for sex and i took him back, he was looking at porn also and when we were together i found out. Just recently I found ads on craigslist again wanting sex from women and men. He doesnt care to see our child or pay for anything, he had many chances with me and we had great sex all the time whenever he wanted it, im not sure what to think anymore. What's your opinion on this?
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (13 December 2012):
I have a crazy solution to all of this. GET MARRIED BEFORE YOU HAVE CHILDREN.
I know it sounds nuts and all, but believe me, commitment to each other before commitment to a child is a pretty good idea.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): I know Honeypie, the point was having a huge bill of back pay can tend to ward off low-lifes. Want to suddenly be a father? Enjoy the 1000's you have spend on legal fees before you get slapped with the bill for maintenance.
One of my friends recently pulled that one on her ex, he backed off fairly quickly when he realized he'd have to pay a hell of a lot of money in maintenance back pay if he didn't just feck off. An official letter from her solicitor stating the minimum he would owe and the minimum it would cost him to take her to court and he didn't bother anymore. Her reasoning wasn't to deny her child anything but more that if he was really intent on making an effort and not just going to run away again then the hassle would be worth it for him.
It's an option is all I'm saying, the OP will do what she feels is best. But you'd be surprized how easy it is to get rid of guys who aren't really interested in making a real effort if they have a huge bill to pay if they do.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (12 December 2012):
 He is a serial dad. Guys like him get off on the power it gives them, to get women pregnant and then leave them, wrecking their lives. It means he's a control freak. By getting women pregnant and walking out, he feels like he has complete control over your life forever.
You need to get yourself down Child Support Services and file for child support and figure out what you can do to ensure this awful scumbag doesn't decide in a few years to become a dad and control your life. If he starts feeling out of control I bet you he'd try to get joint custody in an attempt to prevent you from moving and living your life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 December 2012):
 Cerberus, whether he pays Child Support or not - he can walk into the child's life anytime he sees fit - UNLESS he chooses to give up his parental rights. Just like she can decide, at any point in time, to sue for CS.
Not paying CS doesn't mean he has no rights. (unfortunately)
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (12 December 2012):
 It seems your relationship was based on sex, so it isn't meant to last. You dated a guy who it seems has a "baby is the girls problem" attitude. It's sad to say that what he wanted from you is sex, but it's evident when your split up, and he's seeking sex, and when your together he's not only getting it from you, but getting off to porn as well. It's also evident when all you stated in your post is sexual in nature.
Guys... and often girls as well want sex. But when it doesn't take someone long to get it, you risk the relationship being based on sex. Those relationships rarely ever last, because the foundation for a strong, healthy relationship is missing. This is what I believe has happened to you, with this particular guy. All you can do at this point is to seek child support and move on. I don't think, if you were to get back together, that it'd last. It'd end up being more of the same of what you've already experience. You deserve better than that, but you must first believe that you do and hold yourself to a higher standard in meeting someone. If you do, you'll find someone who will be there for you and the kids, because of who you are, and not because you'll give him sex whenever he wants. It's not to say that sex isn't important in a relationship, because it is, but if the foundation of trust, honesty, and respect, and desireing to be with someone is not there, no matter how much sex you give won't keep the guy there with you. Take a breather, and decide what it is your really looking for in a partner, before you seek to begin a new relationship.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (12 December 2012):
 Since you've asked for an opinion, here's mine.
You have been extremely reckless in getting pregnant with a man who you clearly knew was not trustworthy and now your children have to bear the brunt of your behavior. You knew that he was looking to have sex with both men and women and yet you took him back. What did you expect? That he would miraculously change overnight?
Sure he's not going to see your child and pay for anything but you already knew all this about him and yet you chose to go down that road with him. You can drag him to court and get him to pay maintenance but that's just about as far as you'll get. As regards your actions, please get a hold on yourself and don't get carried away just by "great sex". There are innocent lives at stake here and you are solely responsible for them. Do your part as a parent now. And be prepared to do it without this guy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): "What's your opinion on this?"
You bear some responsibility for letting this loser knock you a second time after you knew he was a lying, cheating, deadbeat, absentee serial sperm depositor when you took him back.
I can see Cerberus' point re not seeking child support, but for the record I must state that it is a sperm depositor's legal responsibility to provide for his spawn and the child's legal right to receive support. The kid didn't pick his/her father, you did.
For your children's sake, I can only hope you learn from this experience and exercise better judgment in raising your children than you did while conceiving them. Sorry to sound harsh, but every child deserves to be born into a loving, happy, stable, secure, nurturing home and a mother and a father in his/her life.
Agree with Cerberus that it's better to have one good parent than two toxic parents, but from personal experience I can attest two good parents is best. You will need to step up in a big way and rise to the occasion in a big way to overcome the inherent disadvantage of the tenuous, unstable living situation into which your child will be born.
My thoughts and prayer's are with all the unfortunate innocent children suffering due to circumstances beyond their control.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 December 2012):
 Sadly this is not about you or the kids... for him it's all about him. I think you need to get a lawyer asap and get court ordered child support.
He has an obligation to pay for his children and you have the right to have that financial help.
He's a jerk and you and the kids are better off without him in your life.
REAL men take care of their children.
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A
female
reader, Zaaleena +, writes (12 December 2012):
Well firstly - congratulations! This pathetic excuse of a "man" is out of your life. If you need the money desperately then go after him for child support - if he didn't wanna be a father he shouldn't have put himself in a position where he could become one.
However if you don't exactly need the money then I would let this man gladly leave your life. Many, many men are not very good partners but wonderful fathers but from what you've said I don't know whether this guy would be.
Wishing you and the little ones well x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): Well my opinion is the guy is a fucking douche. Pardon my language but there you go.
From a practical sense I know people think you should follow him up for money but that's not always for the best OP. I know quite a few single mothers and have dated some. Some of them think it's best not to chase the guy for money legally because they don't want such a douchebag who couldn't be bothered his arse to have anything to do with their kid suddenly decide he wants access just because he's paying money for it like some kind of product he owns. Their ex was a prick, abusive or a cheater and not the kind of father they wanted for their child, so they decided to raise the child alone with no financial ties to the father. You'd be surprized how the idea that they'll suddenly have to fork out a load of cash will keep guys like that away.
As for people who think a child needs both parents, that's a load of horseshit, a child just need love and at least one responsible guardian to teach it how to be a responsible adult. I was raised by a single mother with no contact from my father which was best as he was a cheating, drug addicted abusive scum bag. Better to have one good parent than to have two with one being a poisonous influence.
If you need the money badly, don't have enough to survive then go for it. But don't discount the benefit of not having a guy who wants nothing to do with your kid have no input whatsoever. I have known single mothers to chase the guy down out of spite and a form of punishment, "you got me into this mess, you're going to pay your half" kind of thing and while it kind of works sometimes, from what I see it's just constant drama, constant court battles, a guy who after 5 years decides he wants to be in his kids life and has that right because he has paid for that kid etc. Keep the idea of going alone as an option OP.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 December 2012):
Be glad he is out of your life. Go down and talk to Child Support Services and they will help you file for CS.
He sounds like he never wanted to really date seriously or have children, and he really should have used a condom or not have had sex if he can't handle becoming a father.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012):
I think you need legal advice on how to get him to financial aid you and your child.. If he won't emotionally provide for your child at least he is financially ..
I know that isn't want you want to hear, but you need to start thinking of the longterm not reconciliation that may never take place.. And to be honest who wants someone who is hooking up with guys and girls.. Aids may not be spoken about as much as it used to but you are putting yourself at risk from that and other STD if you continue even to have sexual relationships with him, when you know his track record.
Get over him.. (Hard I know it will be) but you can do it and move on.. Go get advice and at least get some provision for your child..
Take care sweetie.
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