A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I have an 11 year old daughter who absolutely despises me the moment. I realise hormones come into play but she contantly disrespecting me and her brother. My husband and i have been seperated for a few years and i am in another relationship of about 3 years now. Her dad and i had an amicable split and we get on quite well and the children see this. AT first she didnt like the man that i started seeing but after alot of very hard work on his part, she had come to accept him and appreciate him being in her life which was great to see.. but just recently she has said she doesnt like him (he doesnt live with us) and that he should stay at his place more (he comes over for dinner quite often and sometimes stays over)Ive asked her why and she has told me that she just wants the 3 of us (herself, her brother and i) to spend more time as a family. She said he has done nothing to hurt her but misses our family time. So (and im not sure if ive done the right thing here) i asked him not to come around as much which he did do but now my daughters behaviour has escalated to an uncontrollable level. Shes never been one to have physical tantrums but she has started this. SHe has become extremely selfish and demands every second of my time without thinking of others around her, including her brother who she generally gets on ok with. I think ive made a rod for my own back in the way that ive fallen back on my punishments sometimes and not being consistant btu now i am trying to recify that and some days shes good, others not so great. She has told me shes hates me, wishes i was dead and wants to move in with her dad. But every time she has said these things she apologises to me, i think feeling guilty. I always forgive her and make sure she knows that i love her, but her behaviour is not acceptable.I dont know what to do. IS this the way she will be form now on? She hasnt got her period yet and im dreading this time now. She has always had a mind of her own, quite definitive and strong willed but its taken a life of its own, and not in a good way. I know its my job as her mother to teach her whats right from wrong btu im asking how do i do this when she seems to dislike me so much? Would love to get some advice. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2012): I think you should stop having your boyfriend stay over completely and see him only at his place for now, it's an invasion of privacy for your daughter and son. Talk to her and get some counseling. There has to be a reason other than hormones why this is suddenly escalating.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2012): "Ive asked her why and she has told me that she just wants the 3 of us (herself, her brother and i) to spend more time as a family." "Would love to get some advice."Pure speculation, but perhaps your daughter would be less resentful of your boyfriend's presence in your romantic life if her father remained a presence in your family life. I wouldn't be surprised if what she really wants is the four of you (including your still-husband) to spend time as a family, perfectly reasonable given that from your kids' POV both parents remain members of their family in good and equal standing. I suspect her resentment toward your boyfriend is that his spending time with the three of you comes at the exclusion of her father spending time with the three of you. While your boyfriend is to be applauded for his efforts in reaching out to her, he is YOUR acquaintance and not hers; in the eyes of the law he is a legal stranger to your daughter and as such she is under absolutely no obligation, implied or otherwise, to form any kind of relationship or bond with him and indeed she is perfectly free to form her own independent opinion of him, up to and including genuinely (yet politely) disliking him if that should prove to be the case. I'm assuming while together you and hubby established family traditions, celebrations, get-togethers and other regular occasions that ended when you split up and she misses those times and that continuity in her life. No reason to deprive your kids of their customary family life due to your marital problems. Unrelated observation: Not a good idea to allow boyfriend to spend night, unrelated male should never intrude upon minor children in their intimate quarters (bathrooms, adjoining bedrooms), very unfair of you to subject them to his unwanted (to them) invasive presence in shared spaces. I'm surprised hubby hasn't objected if he's aware, and if he isn't, then he should be. If you want bf to stay over, then kids should stay with their father. Besides you are still legally married, you should set better example for kids.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2012): When my cousin and his wife broke up, their 3 children went thru a lot, the children couldn't accept the fact that their mother was seeing another man so fast, it been over 4 years and they are still angry. Your 11 yrs old daughter wants her family back, she has a lot of anger built up on the inside. She really doesn't like your boyfriend she's just trying to put up with him because he's being nice to her so that's why she has her good and bad days.
When a couple breaks up when children are involved, I think they should give it some time to let the children heal before bringing another male or female around so soon.
I know you love your daughter very much so why not try a little test, I would stop the boyfriend from coming by my house and I would go by his house and that way she can be with her mon and brother so you might want to try that until she gets a little older. If my mom were seing another man I'm sure I wouldn't like it either at the age of 11.
I hope things work out for you.
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A
male
reader, unknown2u  +, writes (30 March 2012):
I feel your pain. Parenting isn't easy, and you're getting the full-on challenge.My attitude from the start has been that I'm a parent, not a friend. It would be wonderful if my children would like me when they're adults, but I cannot possibly parent in the hope that they'll like me. So, limits are crucial. Decide what's appropriate. How much of your time and attention she needs, not what she wants. At the same time, recognize that her acting out may be a legitimate response to a need for more of your time, guidance and love. I'm not saying for a moment that you reward bad behavior, far from it. But when you've thought through what she really needs, don't let her take over your life. Lavish her with attention when appropriate, reward good behavior. When she's unreasonable, deny her rewards -- be that your attention or whatever. You set the tone, you set the limits, in the context of what you know to be appropriate. Never let her be the boss -- that's your job.Sounds like your new partner is being sensitive and responsive. It's unlikely he's the problem, and once you've got things back under control with your daughter, he'll be able to be as fully in your life as you'd like. But you've got a battle to fight for a few weeks, and it's important that you come out in charge.Good for you for asking for help. That's the sign of a concerned mother who is trying to do her best. Even if you think my advice is nonsense, do take away the compliment.Good luck!
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1 +, writes (30 March 2012):
 you and your daughter need counselling. It might even be that your daughter needs some kind of medication. don't let the situation carry on. it is too destructive for both you and your daughter. you both need to be in control of your own lives. she needs friends so that she can open her mind to the rest of the world.
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